Monstrous Munitions, Bloody Bingo, Casino Carnage

Small Nuclear Warhead Decor. Four words that shouldn’t go together, and yet do. Makes more sense when you see what small Nuclear Warhead decor actually is. Leave it up to Itvalore.com, a direct-to-consumer online retailer, to come up with something to finally take down those obnoxious/ubiquitous garden gnomes, who took down those tacky pink flamingo yard decorations. What goes around, comes around, b*tches!.

Itvalore.com sales-pitches ’em thusly: “This will be the best horror style addition. Make the hair stand on end for anyone who dares to step into this territory. Multiple colors and styles to choose from, it’s a perfect gift for your friends who loves skull and weaponry. Every item in our shop is handmade, hand-painted and unique.”

The resin Skull Bombs (four different styles) measure 7.8” x 2.75” x 2.75”, roughly the same size of the personal comfort device on your girlfriend’s night stand. Or would that be…one night stand? For you, maybe. Heh. They cost $23.15 each, marked down from $78.68. Talk about an explosive deal! Get ‘em here.

So while we pull up those annoying Lady’s Slipper Orchids and Middlemist Reds to make room for these trespasser-scaring shells (rig ‘em to make detonating grenade sounds when anybody steps on your lawn), here are a few out-now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not require you to get bombed after watching ’em…

CARNIFEX / Out now (Tubi™)

“An aspiring documentarian and two conservationists who venture into the Outback to record the animals displaced by bush fires where they discover a terrifying new species — and quickly become the ones being tracked.”

Carnifex is also the name of  a cool deathcore band from San Diego County, CA. They should be doing the soundtrack.

DEATH’S ROULETTE / May 5, 2023 (Paramount+™)

“Seven strangers wake up in a mansion in the middle of nowhere discover they are part of a twisted game. They will have 60 minutes to choose one person to die; otherwise, all of them will be murdered. As the clock ticks down, the most lurid secrets will come to light, and they’ll discover they are all connected by a dark past. As each character begins to justify their life over everybody else’s to save themselves, we sink deeper into a world of intrigue and mistrust and get to know them in an intimate and vulnerable way.”

I liked this better when it was called Nine Dead (2009).

JOHNNY & CLYDE / May 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Johnny and Clyde are two serial killers who are madly in love and on an endless crime spree. Alana is the confident and cunning owner of a prosperous casino that generates tens of millions of dollars each year. Johnny and Clyde decide to assemble a ragtag group of criminals and misfits to steal from Alana’s casino and pull off the heist of the century. Unfortunately for Johnny and Clyde’s crew, Alana has a deadly weapon at her disposal — the hellish slasher spirit known as Bakwas.”

Bakwas — sounds too much like “backwash” to be that frightening. However, backwash — when it comes to sharing a refreshing 16 oz. can of, say, Budweiser™, is horrifying. You’d still drink it because hey, it’s a waste to waste wasted beer.

TELL ME A CREEPY STORY / May 9, 2023 (VOD)

“A beekeeper killing his wife and burying her in the garden. A young boy trying to satisfy his increasingly inhumane appetite. A serial killer couple and a woman terrified she’s being stalked, all make this a truly terrifying horror anthology.”

Beekeeper killing his wife. Too bad; she used to be his…honey.

Sheet-Faced, Alien Chart-Toppers, Cursed Knick Knacks

If you’re looking to break free of Bed, Bath & Beyond’s™ death grip on the sheets/blankets industrial complex, click on over to Wonderskull.com and become awash in skull horror duvets with matching pillowcases — and do away with your visually flaccid Nestwell™ Supreme Softness Plush Blankets and decorative pillows.

Wonderskull.com’s mattress-blowing selection of staggeringly artful skull duvet sets (172 and counting) will change your night life for an average price of $89.95. And with sizes ranging from US Twin to UK Super King (isn’t that the name of England’s president?), they have your bed covered. Heh.

The duvets aren’t the only things Wonderskull.com offers. Check out their like-themed area rugs, lamps and candles to accentuate your new bed clothes. And speaking of clothes, They offer a plethora of horror, steampunk, Gothic, Victorian, and witchy sleepwear and lingerie, bikini and swimsuit, to hoodies and rompers (short pants trousers). Heck, they’re so cool, you could charge people to come over and look at you.

While you’re trying to figure out where to donate your stained sheets (try Motel 6™) and turn your four-legged futon into the nightmare of your dreams, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you soil your stylishly adorned bed…

TOP 25 ALIEN ENCOUNTERS: UFO CASE FILES EXPOSED / Out now (Apple TV™)

“The recent revelation that the U.S. Government has been actively investigating UFO sightings and encounters has opened a new chapter in the pursuit of truth behind alien visitations. Top 25 Alien Encounters explores some of the most mind-blowing cases of recent times, exposing new details behind hidden secrets, suppressed evidence and cover-ups. Stunning military encounters, astronaut accounts, abductions, crashed UFO retrievals, alien body examinations, startling witness confessions, NASA’s™ subversive agenda and much more reveal a foreboding reality — that they no longer hide in the shadows, but are looming over us in plain sight.”

Pffft —my alien abduction case didn’t even make their Top 30. There’s your real suppressed evidence/cover-up.

DISQUIET / February 10, 2023 (Paramount+/VOD)

“After a near-fatal car accident, Sam wakes to discover he is trapped in an abandoned hospital by mysterious and sinister forces that have no intention of letting him leave.”

Don’t be fooled by the lackluster title and sales pitch — the trailer for this one looks like the stepchild of Resident Evil (2002) and Silent Hill (2006). And that’s a good thing.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA / February 17, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Together, with Hope’s parents Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, the family finds themselves exploring the Quantum Realm, interacting with strange new creatures and embarking on an adventure that will push them beyond the limits of what they thought was possible.”

What they’ll discover is the creature-dwelling Quantum Realm is really…the Tug Tavern. (Like you didn’t see that coming.)

FREE TO A BAD HOME / February 17, 2023 (VOD)

“The lives of three strangers — a widow, a thief and an addict — are terrorized by cursed objects and those that spread them.”

I have a bedeviled candy dish. Everything that comes out of it makes you fat.

Cannibal Restaurants, Paranormal Paintings, Yiddish Vampires

It’s October/Halloween and time to fire up the grill for some charred Jack-O-Lantern burgers, washed down with a few cauldrons of Witches Brew (aka, enchanted Budweiser™). And what a more seasonal way to do this is with Fire Pit Skull Logs by Hauntic™. 

The skull logs were a a big hit a few years back with the Internet crowd looking for a way to put more ’ween in their Hallow. Unlike your head, these skulls are made of ceramic soil non-toxic material, are 3.6” x 3.1” x 2.5”, and are gray in color. 

As Hauntic™ tells us, “Our skull logs withstand temperatures of up to 1,800°F and can be reused for years on end.” And hey, they’re doing a sale: buy one skull, get another free. Savvy consumers will want to get in on this insider trading; last year the skulls went for $60 each — right now they’re going for $29.00 for two, so that tabs out at a sweet $14.50 each/a’piece. (Limited deal: click HERE)

While you’re preparing to pay backyard tribute to the flame-faced Ghost Rider in your Weber Grill™, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not cremate your cranium… 

SOME LIKE IT RARE / October, 7, 2022 (VOD)

“Sophie and Vincent’s small butcher shop is on the brink of bankruptcy and their marriage is falling apart. Their lives are turned upside down when Vincent accidentally kills a vegan activist who vandalized their shop. Overwhelmed and terrified of being accused of murder, their only solution is to get rid of the body by turning it into ham. But to their surprise, the ham is so popular that it may save their business.”

Sounds like Sophie and Vincent found the Motel Hell (1980) cookbook.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER / October 7, 2022 (Paramount+)

“Young couple Harry and Ruth take a remote backpacking trip through the Pacific Northwest, but things take a dark turn when they realize they may not be alone.”

Remote backpacking in the Pacific Northwest (where I walk around but don’t backpack as that seems like work), you’re either gonna run into Bigfoot or a murder bear. After watching the trailer, though, Bigfoot/M. Bear might not be what’s going on here. A hint — you’re never alone with a schizophrenic. (Nod to Ian Hunter’s 1979 album by the same name.)

THE VISITOR / October 7, 2022 (VOD)

“When Robert and his wife Maia move to her childhood home, he discovers an old portrait of his likeness in the attic — a man referred to only as ‘The Visitor.’ Soon he finds himself descending down a frightening rabbit hole in an attempt to discover the true identity of his mysterious doppelgänger, only to realize that every family has its own terrifying secrets.”

It wasn’t a portrait — it was a mirror. Sorry to soil your rabbit hole.

BLOOD RELATIVES / November 22, 2022 (Shudder™)

“Francis, a 115-year-old Yiddish vampire, still looks 35. He’s been roaming American back roads in his beat-up muscle car for decades, keeping to himself, and liking it that way. One day Jane, a teenager, shows up. She says she’s his daughter, and has the fangs to prove it. They go on the road, deciding whether to sink their teeth into family life.”

Francis has bigger problems that suddenly finding out he has a daughter who needs braces. There’s the issue of 100 years of unpaid child support.