Archive for Ouija Board

Ouija Boards and Zombies

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Platoon of the Dead

Platoon of the Dead (2009) may not be the worst zombie movie ever made (pretty close, though), but it does have the worst explanation for the zombies: five teens resurrecting an evil entity via a Ouija Board™, which popped out and turned the dead into the undead. I would’ve bought anything from tainted Cheetos™ to a Republican agenda, but a game board you can buy at Wal-Mart™ for $10? And given the sub-standard special effects (rubber body parts, plastic machine guns that shoot “lasers”, peanut butter blood), that’s about how much they spent on the entire movie.

Platoon of the Dead

Three marines – a wussy private, an insubordinate sergeant, and a heavy metal long hair lieutenant – find themselves behind enemy lines as well as being the lone survivors of a zombie army ambush raised by the evil entity. Yes, these military zombies carry guns.

Platoon of the Dead

Cornered in an abandoned house, a battle with plastic laser rifles ensues, with animated light bursts being shot all over the place, with only a few finding their mark. (Note: Never in the history of the military has there been anyone with hair longer than a five o’clock shadow. Clearly, this hippie is NOT a true member of the Armed Forces.)

Platoon of the Dead

Very little gore, and what entrails do make an appearance are not even close to being believable; When two zombie kids trap a big-boobed woman in the basement, it’s all she can do to keep from laughing as the children “rip” open her stomach while she lays absolutely still.

I figured out why the zombies in this “movie” all wore gas masks – they didn’t want anyone to know they were starring in this festival of crap.

Horrific Rent

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abattoir

Do you remember the 2015 horror film Abattoir, a story about an urban legend concerning a house where “horrific tragedies” occurred? Yep, me neither. I have enough horrific tragedies in my own apartment building (i.e., overflowing top floor toilets, neighbors not wiping their feet before they come in, recyclables mixed with yard waste in the dumpsters…)

Cursed life aside, Abattoir (French for “slaughterhouse”) now has a prequel in Dwelling, wherein a chick buys a the aforementioned haunted house in order to make contact with the spirit world. This has something to do with an unresolved horrific issue concerning her sister. (She probably took her blouse without asking.)

Dwelling

All of which begs the question – how does one make contact with the dead should a cardboard cellphone (i.e., Ouija Board™) not be handy? According to the psychic upstairs who can’t seem to jiggle the handle, a mirror – preferably black – of course. All doorways to Hell are black in color. Duh.

So if you see horrific things when you look in the mirror, you either need to see Dwelling – or get a new mirror.

P.S. I tagged this one back in the ancient days of July 2015 and mentioned that it was supposed to be released before the end of the year. That was a huge big fat stinking lie as the release date has been bumped to the future days of 2016.

The Dead Belong In Jail

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Prison of the Dead

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: a bunch of dweebs sneak into an abandoned funeral home to party. Someone whips out a Ouija board, thereby unwittingly summoning the dead. One by one the dumb asses are possessed, hacked, sliced and diced by mean undead warriors with glowing evil eyeballs and machetes on loan from Friday the 13th (1980) — and not even graphically enough to warrant a G-rated bandage.

Prison of the Dead

 

The gore in the lazily contrived Prison of the Dead (2000) is so PC’d, all you get to see is a couple of ketchup squirts simulating a violent act. They should give away french fries with this flick. And where the hell has illicit sex gone in these Z-grade handle jigglers? No one drops top anymore, which breaks the #1 cardinal rule of low-budget videos.

Prison’s most notable scene comes at the end where the “action” abruptly stops as though it were my car driving around on $1.25 of gas. The director either ran out of money or ran out of ideas. Hard to believe the latter as the whole movie is as cookie cutter as it gets. Someone needs to go to prison for this.

Heavy Metal, Masked Wrestling and Horror Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deathgasm

Burned out on big money horror movies that almost kinda sorta maybe pay off? Not me, as I’m an easily entertained suckhead – whoooo!

But if you don’t fall into that category (my name’s at the top of the list), then you might wanna rev your engines for these new indies sliding down the horror tube: Deathgasm and El Gigante. Both have cool names, filmed on a budget that wouldn’t cover a Happy Meal™ and a lot of zing AND zest.

Here’s what you absolutely need to know right now…

Deathgasm: “Bruce and Denny are into ear shattering Death Metal, setting fire to things and avoiding personal hygiene products. Tired of getting rejected by girls and being bullied mercilessly, they set about trying to utilize black magic to reverse their fortunes. They stumble upon an ancient page of sheet music and attempt to play it in their garage band, they unwittingly summon an ancient evil entity known as The Blind One, who threatens to tear apart existence itself.”

Intriguing, especially the “avoiding personal hygiene products” part.

El Gigante

And from the brains that brought us The Evil Dead in 60 Seconds, comes El Giagante, a film short that combines Lucha Libre (Masked Mexican wrestling) with cannibalism. I smell a pay-per-view coming on: “After attempting to cross the US/Mexico border in search of a better life, Armando awakens in an unknown room, his body broken down and a Lucha Libre mask sewn into his neck. He attempts to escape, but is surrounded by a sadistic family, who watch him with hungry eyes. The only chance for Armando’s survival in this hellish nightmare is to survive a wrestling match against the most terrifying villain of all: GIGANTE!”

So there you go – two choices to get you out of your horror genre rut, a place I happily wallow in. Wallow is such a cool word.

Suicidal Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Remains

After their young daughter was found murdered in her bed, mom and dad go to a cabin deep in the woods to work out their grief. (Pffft – they’re probably gonna go make another daughter.) The cabin is situated near the abandoned Ives Prison. Why a federally-funded prison would be that far out in the dingles makes one’s eyebrow arch in a suspicious manner.

Dark Remains

The wife is a photographer who still uses film. She takes pictures of the prison and after developing said photos, sees the image of Emma, her dead daughter. So she starts snapping lots of pictures, thinking little not-so-much-alive Emma is trying to contact her FROM THE INCARCERATED BEYOND.

Dark Remains

But other weird doo doo is getting its ghostly groove on. The evil spirits of the cabin’s former residents keep popping up in mirrors, TV reflections, bathrooms when you’re trying to have a private moment… The married couple that previously died in the cabin killed themselves – she by slicing her wrists in the bathtub with her boobs showing, and he in the shed by eating a small but nutritious bullet Happy Meal™. Mr. & Mrs. Violent Suicide keep returning to do some evil haunting. FYI: Mr. & Mrs. VS weren’t evil in life, but by being converted into death made them so. I guess it’s in the rules.

Dark Remains

The neighbors are beginning to act strange. So the husband goes to the town library and researches the town’s history. Yep, suicides and fatal “accidents” have occurred with unusual regularity for years on the very same date that’s coming up. So he has to get his wife – who’s starting to go to crazy train – outta there. But she doesn’t want to leave because she’s convinced their daughter is trying to communicate without a Ouija™ board. How the prison and the deceased kid factors in to all of this isn’t really explained. Neither is the girl’s murder. (If it was, I missed it because I was friggin’ bored.)

Dark Remains

A stretch of a ghost story that moves about as fast as a car without gas. Or a turtle without gas. Every time a ghost pops up, it’s done so with a loud sound so as to keep you from falling asleep. (I listen to loud musical compostions, so that didn’t work on me.) Even with the occasional bare boobie shot, Dark Remains (2005) is as lifeless as that little dead girl.

Board With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , on September 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Am Zozo

The horror movie I Am Zozo, a story about a Ouija board gone wild, releases to VOD, DVD, OMG, LOL and more importantly, WTF, on November 19, 2013. Besides sporting a title that sounds like a dumb internet start-up, I Am Zozo also has a plot that’s been used so many times, they teach it in pre-school. (The Ouija board has been featured as a main plot device and/or cameo in 40 plus horror movies, beginning with The Uninvited in 1944 and more recently in The Devil’s Playthings (2013).

Ouija

Horror academic lesson: The Ouija board (pronounced “wee-jee”) is also known as a spirit board or talking board, is a flat board marked with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0-9, the words “yes”, “no”, “hello” (occasionally), and “goodbye”, along with various symbols and graphics. It uses a planchette (small heart-shaped piece of wood) or movable indicator to indicate the spirit’s message by spelling it out on the board during a séance. Participants place their fingers on the planchette, and it is moved about the board to spell out words.

You can talk to the deceased and or demonic entities with the Ouija board, which comes in a glow-in-the-dark version for $19.99 on Amazon.com™. (If only farts could glow in the dark.)

Ouija

I Am Zozo, predictably enough, concerns five teens on Halloween night who decide to liven up their party with some innocent fun: by summoning the spirits. At first, it’s all nervous laughter and scoffing. Then, the night takes a sinister turn: the board reveals truths, exposes secrets it cannot possibly know, and triggers inexplicable events within the darkened house.

Ouija

As the session continues, an entity reveals itself: Zozo. And as the terrified teens are about to discover, once you make contact with this ancient, demonic force, you’re no longer playing a game…the game is playing you. A pulse-pounding, edge-of-your-seat supernatural thriller based on multiple reports of spirit board encounters with this savagely malicious spirit.

Ouija

Even the marketing buzzwords are stock: “pulse-pounding,” “edge-of-your-seat.” Heck, that describes practically every toilet in the world. An apt correlation as I consulted my own Ouija board (it looks a lot like a paper plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it), asking it if I should watch I Am Zozo. The answer: “Not unless you want to waste 90 minutes that could better be spent drinking.”

Wise is my Ouija board.