Archive for Nazis

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Unborn To Be Wild

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Unborn

Strangled by his twin sister’s belly button extension cord while in a womb without a view, Jumby was stillborn — something he’s still very pissed off about.

The Unborn

His sister made it out alive and grows up to be a supermodel-worthy college hottie who walks around in Victoria’s Secret™ panties (page nine of the summer catalog/3 for $30). This is a plot device that never gets old.

The Unborn Lately, though, she’s been having real-time nightmares of a back-from-the-dead Zombie Jumby. Dumb name — he should be thankful he wasn’t born. (Note: Though dead on arrival, Zombie Jumby is portrayed to be about 8-years-old. How does that work?)

The Unborn

The neighbor kid she baby-sits keeps showing up and doing the spooky trance thing, declaring Jumby wants to be born right the screaming heck now. Then she finds out she was a twin and that her mother committed suicide in an insane asylum over Jumby’s less-than-spectacular debut. Throw in a ridiculously reaching back story involving a family curse, Nazis and a demon wanting revenge, and you have one fright-less turd of a “horror thriller.”

The Unborn

 

The chills and spook moments in The Unborn (2009) are so stock as to have been downloaded off the Internet. The Jewish (!) exorcism is so clumsy, I could’ve done a better job — and even given them a discount as business has been slow lately.

The Unborn

P.S. Do your utmost best to not confuse this The Unborn with 1991’s The Unborn, a heartwarming family horror flick about a couple who can’t have children (lucky them), but chose to go the in-vitro fertilization route facilitated by an insane doctor, which yields them a science-gone-wrong kid. Unlucky them.

Slash and Burn

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Burning

Cropsy — if that’s his real name — is an alcoholic and double-mean groundskeeper at Camp Blackfoot who uses over-sized cropping shears to trim that which needs trimming. No indication as to how he got his nickname, though.

The Burning

Playing a prank to get back at him for being such a dick, a bunch of teens accidentally set Cropsy on fire. Toasted ’n roasted is he. So badly is Cropsy barbecued, skin grafts won’t take. In fact his face looks like those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

The Burning

Fast forward five years into the future (1981), and some of the kids responsible for the 1st Annual Cropsy Cook-out are now counselors at Camp Stonewater, just a melted marshmallow’s throw away from Blackfoot.

The Burning

Just like Jason in Friday the 13th (1980), Cropsy exacts his revenge on his victims in the most inconvenient of times, like during sex with boobs swinging to and fro. The slaughter is gruesome and swift, but it’s the infamous finger-shearing scene that got this barn-burner in trouble with uptight British censors. P*ssies.

The Burning

Scissors perforate throats and life-sustaining counselor fluid leaks out. In an unforeseen twist of fate, Cropsy gets to “sing around the campfire” one more time, if you smell what’s cookin’. All told, The Burning (1981) is old school slasher action, but somewhat more graphic. I just wish I knew how Cropsy got his name.

Sharkenstein

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharkenstein

Sharkenstein. I don’t know why I’m rolling my eyes; this was of course bound to happen. Then again, when the film-making community regurgitates stuff like Sharkula (2015), Sharktopus (2010) and Shark Exorcist (2016), any chances for the great white shark to be nothing more than a pounded-into-the-ocean-floor punchline went out with the tide.

So here’s what someone had swimming around in their head…

“In the final days of World War II, a secret experiment to weaponize sharks is shut down and destroyed by the Third Reich. But now, 60 years later, a small ocean town is plagued by a bloodthirsty, mysterious creature, one built and reanimated using parts of the greatest killers to ever inhabit the sea – the Sharkenstein monster!”

Yeah, I’ll watch it when it comes out in August 2016. It’s part of my sickness.

FYI: Nazis using sharks seems to be the go-to plot these days. Check out Sky Sharks, due 2017…

Sky Sharks

“Deep in the ice of the antarctic, a team of geologists uncover an old Nazi laboratory still intact where dark experiments had occured. In order to conquer the world, the Nazis created modified sharks who were able to fly and whose riders are genetically mutated, undead super-humans. A miltary task force called Dead Flesh Four – reanimated US soldiers who fell in Vietnam – is put together to prevent world downfall.”

Sky Sharks

Ghosts Seeking Therapy

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Backtrack

Of all the horror genres begging for my attention/fun coupons, the ghost category has always been a fav. Not sure why. Sure, I dig giant monsters, werewolves and nature gone wild flicks. But ghosts – friendly or anti-friendly – just seem to put frills in my chills.

So my innards are always happy when a new ghost movie comes down the paranormal pipe, the latest  being Backtrack, featuring of – get this – ghosts of dead people! I’m gasping as we speak.

Backtrack

Here’s what we’re being told about Backtrack: “Psychologist Peter Bowers’ life is thrown into turmoil when he discovers that his patients are the ghosts of people who all died in an accident twenty years ago. Afraid of losing his mind, Peter returns to his home town where he uncovers a terrifying truth which only he can put right.”

I could help him if he wants. I have years of dealing with spirits. Heck, I had an entire bottle of spirits last night. So yeah, you could say I’m an expert of some sort.

Backtrack is described as a “spine-chilling supernatural thriller in the vein of The Sixth Sense and What Lies Beneath.” No specific release date yet, but the movie’s website is saying sometime in 2015.  It’s mid-September as of this digital posting, so they better get to ghostin’.

Backtrack

Note of some noteworthiness: This Backtrack should not be confused with 2014’s Backtrack (aka, Backtrack: Nazi Regression). A psychological thriller, Backtrack: Nazi Regression features Nazis. Didn’t see that coming.

Backtrack

Also, avoid getting wires crossed with 1969’s Backtrack. That one features cowboys. Ghosts are way more scarier than cowboys. Unless it’s a ghost cowboy coming back from the dead to make you stain your saddle.

Historical Monster Hunters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

From Ross Patterson, the guy who brought us FDR: American Badass (2012) now comes Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves (release pending 2015).

FDR: American Badass

In American Badass, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, our 32nd president, ends the Great Depression (good, that thing was depressing), puts a stop to Prohibition (to this day I am thankful) and fights Nazis even though he’s confined to a wheelchair after contracting polio from a werewolf bite. I am all up for re-electing him.

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

In Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves, a group Nightwolves terrorize a tiny village taking people’s hearing and eyesight. Hmm – this sounds like one of those insensitive Helen Keller jokes. (Someone wrote on the movie’s Facebook page about the ad materials: “Will this poster be available with braille?”) Ironically, the movie poster does use braille under the title. Clever, yet kinda tasteless. So yeah, I’m down with it.

Still, I’m intrigued by the idea that a deaf and blind girl, armed only with knives, is able to take on a pack of werewolves and quench her thirst for bloody revenge. (The movie implies that it was the Nightwolves are what originally took away her sight and hearing. Again, not cool to make sport of Helen’s famous handicap. But the douchebag I am finds taste in the tasteless.

Helen Keller vs. The Nightwolves

On that note, I’m making an assumptive leap here; the enemy may not be actual werewolves, but rather non-werewolves. The trailer, which doesn’t reveal much, shows actual wolves roughhousing it up. But why would nature’s gangstas go after your eyes and ears, all the while leaving delicious entrails behind? Real werewolves wouldn’t do that.

I hear Helen Keller sure plays a mean pinball. (I’ll wave to you on my way to Hell.)

German Zombies and Werewolves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bunker of the Dead 3D

An odd horror sub-genre that once again resurrects Nazis as zombies, this latest entry being Bunker of the Dead 3D (2015), shot first-person shooter (or “POV”) style. Both are boring because it’s been done some many gott verdammt times, notably dating back to 1977’s Shock Waves, in which underwater Nazi zombies come up from the sea bed to eat your head. (Note to purists: there were probably other Nazi horror movies before that, but I haven’t had my breakfast/lunch/dinner/bed time snacks yet and as yet can’t think clearly.)

Shock Waves

In Bunker of the Dead 3D you will be subject to annoying hand-held camera POV video game style filming, with lots of swearing, gun fire and meaty zombies. Ambitious to be sure. But man, can’t someone come up with something more original that hasn’t been done one billion million times? Geez.

Dead Snow & Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead

Not that I got that off my war chest, here’s what’s inside of Bunker of the Dead 3D: “Two friends spend their weekends trying to find a WWII underground military base. Used by the Nazis as a secret research institute, it is rumored to hide the lost gold of the Third Reich. The entrance of the cave system, however, lies right within the restricted area of a US military base. The first of many problems the two friends will have to face.” Ugh, that press release copy is as weak as the whole movie idea.

Frankenstein's Army

For my Deutsch marks Dead Snow (2009) and Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead (2014) are two of the best/funniest/fun Nazi zombie movies going. For an even weirder and f’d up Nazi horror movie, you might want to check out Frankenstein’s Army (2013). Despite its limited budget, the story is far from haufen mist and it features some of the sickest monster hybrids this side of Hellraiser’s (1987) Cenobites.

Werewolf Hunt

Or if surreal monsters make your tum tum hurt, you could try Werewolf Hunt (2012). I haven’t seen it, but the guy who drives the garbage truck on my block insists it’s a war movie that refers to a Nazi underground bunker called Werewolf. Too bad if it’s true; Nazi werewolves (like the ones featured in a bloody dream sequence in An American Werewolf in London (1981) seems like overlooked Nazi gold.

An American Werewolf in London