Archive for Nazis

Godzilla Earth, Hand-Carved Horror, Vampire Addict

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

The title of the upcoming Godzilla anime movie sequel is nothing if not crazy tantalizing: Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City. A mobile breeder city? Where do I sign up? How much is the rent? Can I move there now?

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

If you haven’t seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017) on Netflix, I question your sanity. The ending is so unreal, it’s unreal. And it’s so good, I’ll be counting down the ‘ol tick tock when Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City releases in Japanese theaters on May 18, 2018. Maybe a few of us could carpool there.

So here’s the press release, which reveals that MechaGodzilla will be getting into a rust up with his mountainous counterpart: “After suffering a crushing defeat at the claws of Godzilla Earth — the seemingly immortal, 300 meter tall, 100,000 ton incarnation of Godzilla who now rules the planet — Haruo Sakaki is rescued by Miana, a native girl who belongs to the Futua tribe, the descendants of humanity that were left behind on Earth during the initial evacuation.”

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

Meanwhile, Galu Gu, the leader of the Bilusaludo forces, realizes that the arrowheads of the Futua are made of nanometal, the same material that was used to build MechaGodzilla, a super weapon that failed to curb Godzilla’s rampage and that was presumed destroyed in a battle at the foot of Mt. Fuji in the 21st Century.”

I just soiled myself. Whilst I go clean up, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made out of nanometal…

Revenge of Robert

REVENGE OF ROBERT (available now)
Germany, 1941: Two secret agents, one working for British intelligence and the other working for the Nazis, board a train. Their mission is to find a Toymaker who is in possession of a mystical book which gives life to the inanimate. As the two secret agents close in and the Toymaker has no idea who to trust, he uses the magical tome to bring a vintage doll called Robert to life…and Robert will stop at nothing to protect his puppet master. So begins a blood soaked battle aboard the train as the Toymaker and the killer doll fight to survive. Only the victor will get off at the next stop!”

Ugh — more dumb doll horror. Chucky, if he wasn’t undead, would be rolling over in his toy box. And does this plot not take replacement parts from Puppetmaster (1989), and its 12 sequels? (Honorary mention: Magic/1978).

Family Blood

FAMILY BLOOD (March 31, 2018/Netflix)
Ellie, a recovering drug addict, has just moved to a new city with her two teenage children. She has struggled to stay sober in the past and is determined to make it work this time, finding a stable job and regularly attending her meetings. Unfortunately, new friends, a new job, and the chance of a new life, can’t keep Ellie from slipping once again. Her life changes when she meets Christopher— a different kind of addict —which forces her daughter and son to accept a new version of Ellie.”

Smells like a vampire to me. Then again, everything smells like vampires, especially Krispy Kreme™ donuts. Those things will suck the very soul right out from under your taste buds.

4/20 Massacre

4/20 MASSACRE (April 3, 2018)
“Five women who go camping in the woods to celebrate a friend’s birthday over the 4/20 weekend. But when they cross the turf of an illegal marijuana growing operation they must struggle to survive the living nightmare.”

Hmmm, what could a “living nightmare” possibly be when stumbling into a marijuana growing operation? You guessed correctly — there’s no beer with which to catch a weekend buzz. How boring it must be for all of them.

Dasvidaniya: Russian Brides 2

DASVIDANIYA: RUSSIAN BRIDES 2 (2018)
Svetlana Veselov is a sweet, naive exchange student from Moscow plunged into a living nightmare where she must fight to survive. But, what happens when the hunted becomes the huntress and the pain of others brings pleasure?

Again with the living nightmare. It’s like you’re working at Jack In The Box™ when your friends show up at the drive-thru window and you’re standing there in the grease spattered company uniform, stinking of french fries and secret sauce. Still, I’ve been in worse living nightmares, none of which, though, involve mail-order Jack In The Box™ brides. Yet, anyway. (I’m more of a Five Guys Burgers And Fries™ mail order brides person.)

Family Astronauts, Alien Bigfoot, Time-Traveling Sharks

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lost In Space

Everything old is new again. Except me. I’m speaking, of course, about the Lost in Space series re-boot on Netflix™, premiering on April 13, 2018. And to that, I say coolness.

Lost In Space

I watched the 1966-1968 TV series on YouTube™ before they got their rocket boosters spanked for violating the space/time continuum (and copyright laws). And while the weekly adventures of a family “lost in space” inside a giant UFO (it even came with a talking robot and bubble tractor van) was cheesy beyond belief, it was ALWAYS entertaining.

Lost In Space

On that note: my fav episode was when a giant cyclops alien Bigfoot threw boulder rock stones at their bubble tractor van. It was so awesome, they made it into a hobby model kit. I would like one right now, please.

Lost In Space

Then there was the 1998 movie adaptation. It was inept in all the wrong places, but it did feature super hottie Heather Graham, who, while out of this world attractive, never once answered any of my Earth transmissions inquiring as to any space-y romance opportunities.

Heather Graham

So while you wait for the new series to premier in April and I wait by my ham radio for any signal back from Heather Graham from the outer reaches of space (and my affectionate tentacles), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you lost — in space or otherwise…

Devil's Acid

DEVIL’S ACID (available now)
“A father tells an inappropriate bedtime story about a wealthy man named Johnny who holds a ‘Haunted Hot Girl Challenge’ every year in a quest to sleep with as many women as possible. Things get out of hand this year when Johnny and the participants take a potent strain of acid in an abandoned prison. Everything is going as planned until the Devil shows up to settle an old score.”

The plot couldn’t be more untimely. Women have had enough of men and their panty-slobbering ways, so to imply a date rape drug party is just asking to have your man card revoked in the form of a black eye, metaphorically and physically. And to do all of this in an abandoned prison? I’m thinkin’ not a very sanitary sanitarium.

BLOODLANDS (available now)
“A dark fairytale following an isolated family wrestling with old traditions in modern Albania. They’ve all heard rumors of a witch lurking in the mountains with her mysterious clan but none dared to believe it. The family must come together and unite when the witch declares a blood feud against them.”

You do NOT wanna mess with witches, man — they can make brew soup that’ll ruin the inside of your soul pants. And those brooms? They’re capable of sweeping destruction. Heh.

Sharknado

SHARKNADO 6 (July 25, 2018)
“Fin unlocks the time-traveling power of the Sharknados in order to save the world and resurrect his family. In his quest, Fin fights Nazis, dinosaurs, knights, and even takes a ride on Noah’s Ark. This time, it’s not how to stop the Sharknados, it’s when.”

Yeesh — talk about punching a punchline so far into the ground, it’s coming out the other side of the planet. FYI: I checked — the exact opposite side of the world from Los Angeles (where movies like this are made) is in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Maybe that’s where sharknados park their fins and socialize.

Involution

INVOLUTION (2018)
“The film takes place in a future that’s reality is a far cry from the one we live in today. The Earth has been sent out of control, affected by a cruel and inhuman mechanism that turns back Darwin’s theory of Evolution.”

They, of course, are referring to beer. It’s fun to watch people turn into thick-headed Neanderthals after drinking too much of it. Myself included.

Aliens R Us, Cookie-Selling Bigfoot, Religious Ghosts

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aliens

Recently came across a tantalizing click-bait headline that all but begged me to reach for the hook: The article by Yahoo! News UK had this to say: “Here’s what aliens will really look like, according to science…” Score!

An excerpt of the article: “In a new study published in the International Journal of Astrobiology scientists from the University of Oxford say that aliens will be shaped by the same natural selection that shaped us.”

And here’s the illustration they provided to support that theory…

Aliens

Dang — it’s like looking into a mirror! While I comb my tentacles to match that of my space brethren, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature extraterrestrial doppelgangers

Mountain Devil

MOUNTAIN DEVIL (available now)
“Based on the true events that occurred in the Appalachian Mountains, Mountain Devil recounts the frightening events of the night Frank Peterson and his friend spent the night in a secluded cabin stalked by something they could not explain. With only a few clues and journal entries we try to piece together the shocking events, and attempt to shed insight into one of the greatest mysteries of our time.”

This isn’t a movie, but a re-enactment “documentary” of the experience of two guys being heckled by a Sasquatch. Turn on the logic switch, people — was it really Bigfoot pranking these campers or were they being stalked by cookie-selling Girl Scouts? Hedging my bets here, so I’m gonna say both. I should’ve been a politician.

Hunters' Crossing

HUNTERS’ CROSSING (available now)
Hank Williams, an amateur hunter, teams up with Bigfoot hunter, Trevor Farleys, and an aging bear slayer, Willis Hampton, to sabotage a crazed hunter and win a local hunting competition.”

Aging bear slayer. I shall require a T-shirt with that printed on it. The press release, however, does not say what everyone’s supposed to be hunting. Is it a bear or Bigfoot? While some may think they’re one in the same (they’re not), the bigger question is what’s the prize for winning said hunting competition? I’d prefer bit coins, but would settle for the above mentioned T-shirt.

Transhuman

TRANSHUMAN (available now)
“A young journalist travels into the underbelly of a transhumanist cult, spanning generations leading back to the Nazis during World War II.”

Great movie title, though I’ve heard bartenders use that term to describe some of their more “colorful” clientele during last call. As for the Nazis, you guys are just plain mean.

St. Agatha

ST. AGATHA (2018)
“Set in the 1950s in small town Georgia, where a pregnant con woman named Agatha is on the run and seeks refuge in a convent hidden in deafening isolation. What first starts out as the perfect place to have a child turns into a dark layer where silence is forced, ghastly secrets are masked, and every bit of will power Agatha has is tested. She soon learns the sick and twisted truth of the convent and the odd people that lurk inside its halls. Agatha must now find a way to discover the unyielding strength needed to escape and save her baby before she’s caged behind these walls forever.”

Sounds like a healthy smidge of 2004’s Saint Ange (aka, House of Voices). As ghost movies go, that was one of the better offerings. The basement scene will have you needing to re-mop the convent floors.

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Unborn To Be Wild

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Unborn

Strangled by his twin sister’s belly button extension cord while in a womb without a view, Jumby was stillborn — something he’s still very pissed off about.

The Unborn

His sister made it out alive and grows up to be a supermodel-worthy college hottie who walks around in Victoria’s Secret™ panties (page nine of the summer catalog/3 for $30). This is a plot device that never gets old.

The Unborn Lately, though, she’s been having real-time nightmares of a back-from-the-dead Zombie Jumby. Dumb name — he should be thankful he wasn’t born. (Note: Though dead on arrival, Zombie Jumby is portrayed to be about 8-years-old. How does that work?)

The Unborn

The neighbor kid she baby-sits keeps showing up and doing the spooky trance thing, declaring Jumby wants to be born right the screaming heck now. Then she finds out she was a twin and that her mother committed suicide in an insane asylum over Jumby’s less-than-spectacular debut. Throw in a ridiculously reaching back story involving a family curse, Nazis and a demon wanting revenge, and you have one fright-less turd of a “horror thriller.”

The Unborn

 

The chills and spook moments in The Unborn (2009) are so stock as to have been downloaded off the Internet. The Jewish (!) exorcism is so clumsy, I could’ve done a better job — and even given them a discount as business has been slow lately.

The Unborn

P.S. Do your utmost best to not confuse this The Unborn with 1991’s The Unborn, a heartwarming family horror flick about a couple who can’t have children (lucky them), but chose to go the in-vitro fertilization route facilitated by an insane doctor, which yields them a science-gone-wrong kid. Unlucky them.

Slash and Burn

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Burning

Cropsy — if that’s his real name — is an alcoholic and double-mean groundskeeper at Camp Blackfoot who uses over-sized cropping shears to trim that which needs trimming. No indication as to how he got his nickname, though.

The Burning

Playing a prank to get back at him for being such a dick, a bunch of teens accidentally set Cropsy on fire. Toasted ’n roasted is he. So badly is Cropsy barbecued, skin grafts won’t take. In fact his face looks like those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

The Burning

Fast forward five years into the future (1981), and some of the kids responsible for the 1st Annual Cropsy Cook-out are now counselors at Camp Stonewater, just a melted marshmallow’s throw away from Blackfoot.

The Burning

Just like Jason in Friday the 13th (1980), Cropsy exacts his revenge on his victims in the most inconvenient of times, like during sex with boobs swinging to and fro. The slaughter is gruesome and swift, but it’s the infamous finger-shearing scene that got this barn-burner in trouble with uptight British censors. P*ssies.

The Burning

Scissors perforate throats and life-sustaining counselor fluid leaks out. In an unforeseen twist of fate, Cropsy gets to “sing around the campfire” one more time, if you smell what’s cookin’. All told, The Burning (1981) is old school slasher action, but somewhat more graphic. I just wish I knew how Cropsy got his name.

Sharkenstein

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharkenstein

Sharkenstein. I don’t know why I’m rolling my eyes; this was of course bound to happen. Then again, when the film-making community regurgitates stuff like Sharkula (2015), Sharktopus (2010) and Shark Exorcist (2016), any chances for the great white shark to be nothing more than a pounded-into-the-ocean-floor punchline went out with the tide.

So here’s what someone had swimming around in their head…

“In the final days of World War II, a secret experiment to weaponize sharks is shut down and destroyed by the Third Reich. But now, 60 years later, a small ocean town is plagued by a bloodthirsty, mysterious creature, one built and reanimated using parts of the greatest killers to ever inhabit the sea – the Sharkenstein monster!”

Yeah, I’ll watch it when it comes out in August 2016. It’s part of my sickness.

FYI: Nazis using sharks seems to be the go-to plot these days. Check out Sky Sharks, due 2017…

Sky Sharks

“Deep in the ice of the antarctic, a team of geologists uncover an old Nazi laboratory still intact where dark experiments had occured. In order to conquer the world, the Nazis created modified sharks who were able to fly and whose riders are genetically mutated, undead super-humans. A miltary task force called Dead Flesh Four – reanimated US soldiers who fell in Vietnam – is put together to prevent world downfall.”

Sky Sharks