Literary Shark, Throbbing Tombstones, Cheese Rebel

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the library…

For fans of Jaws (not that steely-toothed James Bond criminal villain of the same name in The Spy Who Loved Me/1977, Moonraker/1979), now comes the ultimate illustrated edition of author Peter Benchley’s massively popular book, which has sold over 20 million copies. I’m no math guy, but that appears to be a lot.

From The Folio Society’s website: “Jaws is one of the greatest cult thrillers of all time, seething with sexual tension, political corruption and macabre affairs. The novel is deeper and darker than Steven Spielberg’s seminal 1975 film, while the magnificent shark scenes are some of the most terrifying prose sequences in modern fiction. If ever a novel was begging to be illustrated, this is it.”

“Korean artist Hokyoung Kim brings her unique cinematic style to this spectacular edition, including a chilling binding portrait of the Great White shark that terrorizes the community of Amity. Although fear is at the heart of the novel, the fragility of marine life also courses through the narrative, and this theme is explored by Wendy Benchley in her newly commissioned introduction.” Clearly, a lot to chew on.

And because you were eventually gonna ask, here are the specs: 320 pages, 6¼ x 9˝, bound in printed, blocked, and soft-touch laminated paper, Set in Cardo with Clearface Gothic as display, black & white integrated title-page spread plus 7 color illustrations, blocked slipcase. And at $60, it won’t take a bite out of your wallet (heh). I bought the audio book version, but all it had was screaming.

While you sharpen your reading skills, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need a shark in ’em… 

CEMETERY STORIES / Out now (VOD)

On Halloween a couple, both of which are clairvoyants, drive to a cemetery. They go for fun to pick up vibrations from the tombstones of the deceased. As they pick up vibrations they have visions of how the person died. Each vibration and vision seems to get darker and darker. In the midst of all of this, they are being stalked by a dark shadowy figure. What starts out as some Halloween fun quickly turns to terror.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if the vibrations were coming from a battery-powered personal comfort device? I sure think so.

MAD HEIDI / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

Heidi as she’s never been seen before — a badass, kick-ass rebel with the brute strength to slice an opponent in two with a battle axe. In a dystopian Switzerland that has fallen under the fascist rule of a cheese magnate, Heidi lives as a simple young woman in the mountains. Her grandfather does his best to protect her from the bad influences of the world, but soon her longing for personal freedom will spark a revolution. The naive mountain girl turns into a fierce fighter who has to put an end to the cheese fascists.”

Wonder if there’ll be singing and dancing to go along with all the die kill bleed…and cheese?

NIGHT OF THE SCARINESS / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Guaranteed to make you scream and cry and piss your pants and vomit yourself.”

Would this be during or after a night at the Tug Tavern?

NIGHT OF THE BASTARD / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Disgruntled hermit Reed lives a solitary life in the desert. After chasing away a group of youths trying to party near his home, Reed’s peaceful life is violently upheaved when a group of savage cultists lay siege to his house. Forced to partner up with one of the party-goers, Reed and his newfound colleague must defend themselves into the night, all while long-buried and disturbing secrets are revealed to him as part of the cult’s evil plan.”

Partying youths…savage cultists…violent upheaval. Sounds like my neighbors.

Lost Bigfoot, Killer Clown, Zombie Thanksgiving

The movie Sasqua (1975) has possibly the best plot ever: “A hippie commune is attacked by cryptids.” I read that and started crying tears of happiness. FINALLY, someone is doing something about all those stink hippies stinkin’ up the woods and, by extension, the entire world.

Before you break out the champagne (or Miller High Life — The Champagne of Beers™), you can’t watch this movie. Why? Because it only played for about two days at a local theater in Massachusetts back in the ’70s and was never seen again. (FYI: There were a lot of hippies in those days — and every day since.)

But dry your eyes — there’s a documentary called Sasqu — The Lost Bigfoot Film of Massachusetts being worked on as we speak. Here are the details: “Described by The Boston Globe as an obscure horror movie about a hippie commune attacked by cryptids,’ the elusive Sasqua has never seen the light of day outside of a brief and localized theatrical release back in the 1970s, and filmmaker John Campopiano has set out to uncover as much information, and as many relevant interview subjects, as he possibly can.”

While we wait for this Oscar™ contender and celebrate Bigfoot’s efforts for eradicating those who stink and have deprived themselves the glory of the washcloth, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of being spared by the glory of cryptids…

MY APOCALYPTIC THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD, Apple TV™)

“A zombie-obsessed, special needs adult searches for his absent mom while a Korean family and gang compete to be his family. But he teaches everyone forgiveness with the help of his favorite zombie television show.”

Zombies are synonymous with forgiveness, so this one should be bloody heartwarming.

MISTER CREEP / December 5, 2022 (VOD)

“Three college students stumble upon a lost television broadcast of a deceased serial killer and search for its location. They discover a nightmarish cover-up of a clown-faced man who killed hundreds and may still be around long after his death.”

A clown-faced man who killed hundreds. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

THE CHRISTMAS TAPES / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“In this Christmas horror anthology, a family’s movie night on Christmas Eve is interrupted by a stranger insistent on making the next Christmas ‘classic’ film himself.”

I’m ready for my close-up. Just let me quaff a few pitchers of “holiday cheer” to get in the zone.

#FLOAT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a vlogger and her crew embark on their annual river float to commemorate the untimely loss of their friend, they are plunged into a life and death battle with a mysterious local, a sinister paranormal force, and their own fears.”

YET ANOTHER “social media” horror movie. This means it #sucks.

Origin of Blood, Nuclear Crabs, Killer Kangaroos

Get ready to load your britches. Ahead of The Witcher Season 3 next summer, The Witcher: Blood Origin, a spinoff series, is coming to Netflix™, December 25, 2022. Check to see if your pants can handle a double load. If not, you’re pre-forgiven, so no holiday party foul.

From Netflix™: “A four-part series, The Witcher: Blood Origin is set in an elven world 1200 years before the world of The Witcher and will tell a story lost to time – the creation of the first prototype Witcher, and the events that lead to the pivotal ‘conjunction of the spheres,’ when the worlds of monsters, men, and elves merged to become one.”

While we get ready to open the Christmas present that is The Witcher: Blood Origin, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you tarnish your trousers…

THE WITCH: PART 2 – THE OTHER ONE / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“In this sequel to the popular Korean sci-fi action thriller, the story moves away from a confined secret lab and out into the real world. After a mysterious girl emerges as the sole survivor of a bloody raid on the research facility behind the top-secret Witch Program, she is rescued by a pair of civilians who soon realize the girl is both very powerful and in very grave danger.”

In case you have a weak stomach for witch-y violence, carnage and/or violent carnage, you might wanna watch Hocus Pocus 2 instead. Everyone else, broom up.

THE WILLOWBROOK / Out now (VOD)

“A renowned wellness influencer invites one of her recently overdosed followers to seek recovery at her small-town manor. Once the follower arrives, she realizes the dark world existing within the manor is not what she — nor millions of others — perceived from the Internet. With a gripping and fast-paced tone, this film explores the duplicitous side of social media.”

This is probably as boring as it sounds.

CRABS! / November 15, 2022 (VOD) November 22, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Mutated by nuclear runoff, a horde of murderous horseshoe crabs descend on a sleepy California town causing Prom Night terror. As the deadly crustaceans claw their way through the disbelieving population, it’s up to a ramshackle band of students and local law enforcement to address the increasingly ginormous crab menace.”

Used to be there were only two ways to catch crabs: get a job on a fishing boat or sitting your fart box on a gas station bathroom toilet. These days crabs come out of the ocean and jump right in your lap. Even though the cut-throat crustaceans are painfully pinching people in this movie, might as well make the most of it and smear butter and a squeeze of lemon all over your pants.

THE RED / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A young sheriff, obsessed with living up to her dead father’s legacy, finds her mettle tested to the limit when locals start being found ripped to shreds. Now she must finally face up to her past, and work with her eccentric Vietnam veteran uncle to defeat the beast before it kills everyone in town.”

The Red takes place in the Outback (Australia, not the semi-popular restaurant chain with reasonably-priced albeit mediocre center-cut sirloin steaks). The “ripped-to-shreds” community can only mean one thing: a runaway X300 Select Series John Deere™ Lawn Tractor. Or a carnivorous kangaroo.

Coffin Movies, Human Supper Club, Death Boat

Not sure what I think about this: “The Goteborg Film Festival in Sweden, beginning on January 27, 2019, will be offering up 33 “sarcophagus screenings” of Aniara, a Swedish-language apocalyptic sci-fi film.” Yeesh, what’s next — sneak previews in a gas chamber?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, eight volunteers at a time will be shut into specially made caskets outfitted with screens, speakers and air vents. Inside the coffin will be a “panic” button for anyone who gets too freaked out. 

I’d break my finger pushing that button. Points for creativity, though. As for Aniara (2018), here’s this about that: “A spaceship carrying settlers to Mars is knocked off course, causing the consumption-obsessed passengers to consider their place in the universe.” I can feel their pain — my life would be nothing if it weren’t for drunk bidding on eBay™.

Before you go hopping into any movie sarcophagus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have you reaching for the panic button. And remember, it’s not the coffin they take you off in, it’s the coffin that takes you often…

FOLKLORE (February 1, 2019/ HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand)
“Folklore is HBO’s newest foray into the horror anthology genre. The series, which contains six hour-long episodes, will take place in six Asian countries including Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand. Each of the six episodes is based on that respective country’s folklore and mythology, which includes various supernatural beings and strange occult practices. Each episode will be helmed by a different director, with each episode filmed in the local language of that particular country.”

This one was already aired on HBO Asia on October 7, 2018. (I didn’t know Asia changed its name.) As cool as the anthology series sounds, doesn’t do me much good if each episode is filmed in its native language. Geez, I can barely speak whatever language I’m currently burping out now.

BENEATH THE LEAVES (February 8, 2019/limited theater/VOD)
“Among countless others, four small-town boys are kidnapped by James Whitley, a deranged, warm-eyed psychopath. His grotesque pursuit to reunite orphaned children with their deceased birth parents is gridlocked when the boys escape and he is arrested. Twenty years later, Whitley flees during a prison fire and decides to see his mission through. Detective Larson, one of Whitley’s prior victims — and now a cop — is removed from the case due to impartiality leaving his partner and lover, Detective Shotwell to solve the case. Fueled by rage and a chance of redemption, Detective Larson chases the steadfast psychopath on his own, only to fall back into the same trap he once escaped as a child.”

Fueled by rage. Kinda my mantra. Hope career criminal James Whitely doesn’t try to kidnap me — I’ve got a full tank.

THE CANNIBAL CLUB (March 1, 2019/limited theater/ March 5, 2019/VOD)
“Otavio and Gilda are a very wealthy couple of the Brazilian elite who have the habit of eating their employees. Otavio owns a private security company and is a notable member of The Cannibal Club. When Gilda accidentally discovers a secret from Borges, a powerful congressman and the club’s leader, her and her husband’s lives are in grave danger.”

Eating your employees — doesn’t sound too tasty, but it does cut down on having to hand out raises and buying groceries.

HARPOON (2019)
“With his perfect family and perfect upbringing, Richard appears to have it all. So when he thinks that his long-term girlfriend, Sasha and best-friend, Jonah, are having an affair, it sends him into a fit of rage that leaves Jonah a bloody mess. Once Jonah and Sasha convince Richard the allegations are false, Richard tries to buy back their trust by taking them out for a day-trip on his family’s yacht. Tension boils over once out to sea, and, to make matters worse, the yacht’s engine fails. Stranded without food and supplies, the trio must set aside their differences in order to survive.”

Can’t remember the title, but there was a Japanese horror movie with the same plot. It didn’t end well for them, either. I think they were all eaten by a giant octopus with nine arms. I could be slightly wrong about that.

Cleaning Unclean Spirits

In a rat hole of a house in the middle of a cornfield, two amateur filmmakers document several priests and a pastor trying to suck the devil out of a nicely tanned and blonde supermodel with hellishly perfect teeth, who’d look more at home in a shampoo commercial than a vomit-splattered bed.

She floats. She swears. She wears contacts to make her look evil. She gets loose in the corn. If I were possessed, those are exactly the things I’d do, mostly because it looks like fun and not because I’m possessed or anything. Ahem.

Turns out the swimsuit model is possessed by five demons, all of whom the priests had encounters with in other countries (Korea, Eastern Europe, South America, 7-Eleven™). By possessing the girl, these unclean spirits are basically doing the evil version of instant-messaging.

One of the priests has a secret, which, as you know, is like juicy gossip to a demon. All hand-held camera stuff shot on a budget of what wouldn’t cover one sun tanning session. I don’t know how the priests kept from laughing during the overly long and loudly shouted exorcism. Somebody should’ve told me Chronicles of an Exorcism (2008) was a comedy.

Mutual Mutilation

Here’s a fun and educational thing to do: watch an insurance adjuster process fraudulent claims! (OK, I’m being a smidge douche-y here, but work with me.) Jeon Jun-oh is an insurance investigator who checks out people who kill their own family members for cash. That’s probably not a cool thing to do.

Once such guy is filing a claim on behalf of his son’s suicide. The police won’t help Jeon prove it was a murder for some silly reason. And the movie drags on and on. Then something horribly fun happens. Arms are put under industrial paper cutters. Eyes and mouths are stitched up without anesthetic. Stabbings occur to the stomach area. Keys get plunged into eyeballs. Black House (aka, Geomeun jip/2007) is way dull until the last ten minutes, then all holy WTF breaks loose.

The weird guy whom Jeon thought was trying to collect the insurance money was actually acting weird for a reason: someone cut off his arms! No more pouring your own cereal. Jeon’s girlfriend gets abducted because he’s too close to THE TRUTH. A quick search leads him to a veritable human slaughter house that’d give the guy in Saw (2004) a warm fuzzy feeling in his tummy.

The plot is sluggish (made even more tedious with the Korean sub-titles) and stretching things. (People killing people for insurance money? Come on — that stuff doesn’t happen in real life.) But the ending sequence is deliciously gruesome with body parts laying around like festive decorations and such. And I mean that in a delightful way.

Jaws In Your Bathtub

“You’re going to need a bigger toy box…”

A re-casting of the famous line in Jaws (1975) in which Roy Scheider’s character Chief Martin Brody is chumming the sea with fish guts and Jaws pops out and causes Brody to pollute his pants.

Coming soon is a new Jaws ReAction toy figures by Funko™. Their website says it’ll be released in July doesn’t line up with Amazon.com’s available date of September 30. No worries – Korea will probably bootleg this thing and have it for sale by the end of today.

A Gremlins (1984) set is being released at the same time as well. But I never liked those little trouble-making toilet brushes, so put me in the “not even close to being interested” column. Nope, I want me some Jaws.

The coolest part is the air tank accessory, which fits as nicely in Jaws’ mouth as action figure/shark hunter Quint. (For realism they should’ve added a beer can accessory to go along with Quint’s harpoon.) Then you have marine biologist and all-around wise-guy Matt Hooper. Oddly, he looks built to the scale of Quint and Brody. In the movie Hooper is a little dude, a veritable Scooby snack for Jaws.

Each uneaten figure is sold separately for $19.99 and Jaws for $24.99 (on Amazon), or buy ’em altogether for $49.88 + $4.99 shipping. Seems reasonable given how much fun time you’ll get in the tub with these guys. OK, that didn’t come out right. Really wish they would’ve made Quint’s boat, Orca. Now I’m gonna have to use a cereal bowl carrying his next three meals for Jaws to attack/kill/eat.

Kill Club

A group of Korean college friends form a club and call themselves A Few Good Men, even though they have several really hot chicks as members. They don’t say what this club actually does, but I’m assuming some of it is keeping a dark secret they all were involved in years ago.

One of the new recruits, the shy-but-sexy Eun-ju, commits suicide by jumping off a building and landing on her face. Now, years later, all the club members start dying by eyes being plucked out, glass in the face… You know, the usual die-kill-bleed stuff.

At a running time of 97 minutes, Nightmare (aka, Gawi/2000) is 67 minutes too long. (Hey, wasn’t Too Long the name of one of the extras? Okay, that was uncalled for, even it is is true.) The horror stuff is entry-level and the foot-on-the-brake pacing will make you want to pluck your own eyes out. Or jump off a building. Or put glass in your face. Or join a club, which kills its new members. Oh, did I just say that out loud? My bad.

The Butcher: Pleased To Meat You

In The Butcher (2007), a horror movie dubbed “too shocking to be released in its own country of Korea,” kidnapped victims are tied up in a dirty warehouse awaiting an explicitly graphic, violent death while a snuff film producer maps out his camera angles. Just another day at the office.

Each victim has a video camera strapped to his/her head so that footage from the dismemberments can be used in the final cut. (Hey, that worked as a pun!) Do the victims get film credits? No. I feel this is entirely unfair.

A killer wearing a real pig’s head over the top of his real head has a chainsaw, hammer and a massively blood-stained apron. I don’t care how many times you wash that thing, you’re not gonna be able to get it 100% clean.

A man and his wife are dragged in for their scene, a hammer to the head to settle them down. Pig Head proceeds to have a less-than-romantic scene with the back of the male victim’s swimsuit area. Love is in the air.

Begging for his wife’s life, the film director tells him if he can come up with fresh ideas for killing his spouse, he can go free. It takes all of two seconds for the guy to sell out his spouse with ridiculously nasty killing suggestions. The director likes where his head is at and frees him, leaving the wife screaming in accompaniment to the musical chainsaw.

Bloodied, his sitting area a little tender for some reason, and with the camera still attached to his head, he stumbles out into the bright sunshine. It’s nice that such a pointless and brutally graphic film can end on such a happy note.

Heavy Metal Monster

Pulgasari is a mythical giant monster ox thing that helps those in need of justice. (It’d be cool if he could be my legal counsel. I’m getting really tired of being told to just “throw myself on the mercy of the court.”)

 A small farming Korean village in an old time-y century has been jacked for all their metal tools and dishes because a nearby king needs the iron to make plenty ’o weapons for his super big army. The farmers fight back and get pushed around by the warlord. Pulgasari to the rescue.

Fashioned from a wad of mystical rice and brought to life by the blood of a hot farmer’s daughter who doesn’t know the meaning of “one hung low,” the tiny beast gorges on metal and grows at a buffet-busting rate; When he reaches the height of 250 feet, it’s hammer time.

The best part is Pulgasari is made of metal and can’t be killed by conventional means (fire, avalanches, cruel taunts). Putting the iron in irony, the monster makes rice cakes out of the army, but has to keep eating metal in order to survive. The villagers are right back in the soup.

All things considered, the ending of the Korean-made Pulgasari (1985) has a nice twist that’ll bring tears to your eyes. Dry your leakings – Pulgasari would not want you to be sad for him.