Vampire Counseling, Household Witches, Governmental Bigfoot

If you’re a full-blown bloodsucker or just a weekend creature of the night fashionista looking for spiritual advice, go no further than Maison Vampyre located in the historic heart of Salem, MA. It’s here you’ll experience personal or group psychic readings from members of the local Vampire community. Black attire is encouraged if you wanna be taken seriously.

A cornucopia of all things Dark, $15 – $65 by appointment only sessions include the Wolf Moon Ritual, Full Moon Ritual, Guided Meditations at Dark Mirror, Elemental Magick, and the sure to sell out Vampire Witch: A Weekend of Spiritual Alchemy, an immersive weekend of witchcraft, empowerment, and Vampyre Magick. 

From their website: “You will learn the basics of Spellcasting, Astrology, Protection Magick, Tarot, Energy Work, Ritual Set-up, Candle Magick, and will take part in a powerful Shadow Work journey. Skills learned throughout the weekend will be used in a group tarot circle, intuitive development practice, and an empowering group ritual to conclude the weekend.” This retreat takes place Friday, March 3, 2023, 6:00 PM through Sunday, March 5, 2023, 3PM (EST). It’s like getting a community college education for only $325.00. (Okay, that was redundant.)

While you book a session or the entire weekend (click the darkness), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require you to seek counseling…

CRYPTID / Out now (VOD)

“When a local resident of a small town in Maine is brutally ripped apart, freelance journalist Max Frome suspects it might be something more than the authorities say it is. Teaming up with his photographer partner, Harriet, they’re convinced the local sheriff is on the wrong track as the details of each attack become more puzzling. As the attacks get closer, they charge forth dangerously, afraid they might be onto the story of the century. Can they prove their suspicions before it’s too late?”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (est. 1828) — a sort of menu for a word barf restaurant — defines “cryptid” thusly: “An animal (such as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster) that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.” So the cryptid in this instance is indisputably a carnivorous penguin. Sorry for the spoiler. 

THE MAYFAIR WITCHES / JANUARY 8, 2023 (AMC+)

“A neurosurgeon discovers she is the unlikely heir to a family of witches. She must contend with a sinister presence that has haunted her family for generations.”

All witch families have two and sometimes three broom garages. So it stands to reason the sinister presence haunting them is a Swiffer™.

THE 3RD GUEST / January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“A husband and wife ghost-hunting team, still mourning the loss of their daughter, encounter her in their latest assignment.”

Family reunion — happy ending.

THE KIAMICHI PROJECT Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After losing her sister in a brutal attack as a teenager, Scout Rourke agrees to lead a team in the capture of a war machine that may or may not be linked to a legendary creature. In Scout’s heart, she is convinced she is hunting the same massive monster that shredded her sister before Rourke’s horrified eyes decades before. During the hunt, things turn deadly when it’s realized this particular beast is also under control of the U.S. government.”

Bigfoot works for the U.S. government? Why not? Decent pay, serving your country and getting all the federal holidays off — with pay. 

Horror Meals, Robot Sisters, Apocalypse Aliens

Master of Literary Horror Stephen King is known for cooking up delicious stories of everything from the supernatural to, like, double supernatural. But now with the release of Castle Rock Kitchen: Wicked Good Recipes from the World of Stephen King [A Cookbook], you can taste with your mouth what you’ve been feeding your eyes.

Written by Theresa Carle-Sanders, a trained cook and recipe writer, the recently released (October 4, 2022), the hardcover cookbook ($31.99/256 pages) goes something like this: “Explore 80 classic and modern recipes inspired by Stephen King’s Maine, featuring dishes from the books set in Castle Rock, Derry, and other fictional towns — with a foreword from the legendary author himself.”

“Castle Rock Kitchen is an immersive culinary experience from the mouthwatering to the macabre, with gorgeous, moody photographs to transport Stephen King fans to kitchen tables, diners, and picnic blankets across Maine. Recipes ranging from drinks to dessert (and every course in-between) are inspired by meals and gatherings from the more than forty novels and stories set in King’s Castle Rock multiverse — a darker, more Gothic version of the Maine most are familiar with.”

While I prefer a steaming bowl of “Life-Sentence Oatmeal” (guess which King story that’s in reference to), here are a few more of the book’s recipes to chew on…

• Breakfast: Pancakes with the Toziers (It), Dog Days French Toast (Cujo)

• Dinner: One-Handed Frittata (Under the Dome), Killer Mac and Cheese (“Gramma”)

• Supper: Blue Plate Special (11/22/63), Whopper Spareribs (The Tommyknockers)

• Fish and Seafood: Crab Canapés (Pet Sematary), Moose-Lickit Fish & Chips (The Colorado Kid)

• Vegetarian: Wild Mushroom Hand Pies (Bag of Bones), Holy Frijole Enchiladas (Elevation)

• Baking and Sweets: Hermits for the Road (The Long Walk), Blueberry Cheesecake Pie (“The Body”)

• Drinks and Cocktails: Homemade Root Beer (Carrie), Deadly Moonquake (“Drunken Fireworks”)

Before you strap on the feedbag, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as flavor-fortified as Dog Days French Toast or Moose-Lickit Fish & Chips (with ketchup for dipping)…

THE PERIPHERAL / October 21, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™ Series)

Flynne Fisher lives in the rural American South, working at the local 3D printing shop while earning much-needed extra money playing VR games for rich people. One night she dons a headset and finds herself in futuristic London — a sleek and mysterious world, alluringly different from her own hardscrabble existence. But this isn’t like any game she’s ever played before: Flynne begins to realize it isn’t virtual reality…it’s real. Someone in London, 70 years in the future, has found a way to open a door to Flynne’s world. And as utterly beguiling as London is, it’s also dangerous. As Flynne searches to discover who connected their worlds, and for what purpose, her presence sets dangerous forces into motion…forces intent on destroying Flynne and her family in her own world. The Peripheral is a dazzling, hallucinatory glimpse into the fate of mankind — and what lies beyond.”

Both The Peripheral and the Tug Tavern share similar traits — each is a dazzling, hallucinatory glimpse into the fate of mankind. While The Peripheral might have time traveling future people, the Tug is populated by pension drunks (aka, “Time Stands Still’ers”) getting their Happy Hour hallucination on and who don’t wash their hands in the here and now. 

FEED / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“Influencers soon try to ride the wave of ‘ghost tourism’ to market various tourist destinations for clients. The goal is to make potential tourists believe an old witch, Märit, lives in the lake around a commercial camping site – but there’s soon reason to believe that Märit is more than just a made-up ghost story.”

A ghost witch who lives in a lake. Makes sense as witches are historically proven to be buoyant, and by extension, probably very good water skiers.

MEGAN / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

A brilliant roboticist at a toy company uses artificial intelligence to develop M3GAN, a life-like doll programmed to be a child’s greatest companion and a parent’s greatest ally. After unexpectedly gaining custody of her orphaned niece, Gemma enlists the help of the M3GAN prototype — a decision that has unimaginable consequences.”

A full-size robot sister. My sister isn’t a robot, though steam comes out of her ears whenever I’m around. Maybe she needs more system coolant. 

DAUGHTER / Pending release 2023

“Held against her will inside an isolated house deep in the woods, a young woman has no choice but to challenge the interpersonal dynamics and self-imposed rules of her captors, a three-person nuclear family that believes the air outside is toxic and that the apocalypse has arrived.”

Very similar to the plot of 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). Both have alleged stinkified air and hardcore life rules, but Cloverfield has apocalyptic aliens. They should add a few apocalyptic aliens to Daughter. You know, for story continuity.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl…

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
“Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Badass Aliens, Spooky Town, Zombie Rabies

Two new badass key art posters for the upcoming Predator (September 14, 2018) movie. There’s different titles on several of ‘em — one of the first posters says Pred4tor, and these say simply The Predator. I don’t care what they call it as I’ve been a Predator fan since the first movie (can’t remember what they called it) when it came out in 1987. I even tried to comb my hair to look like the dreadlocked Predator, even though everybody else at the time was trying to look like a member of Duran Duran.

As I e-barfed about this movie back in May, 2018, the plot revolves around the alien Predator hunters genetically hybriding themselves with DNA from other species. Here on Earth we call that getting lucky at Ladies Night (“Lois Lanes”) at the bowling alley. (And hey — microwaved nachos are only $1.99 while supplies last!)

Before you pull out the plaid and Aqua Velva™ cologne and head to the bowling alley, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not go good with $1.99 microwaved nachos…

CASTLE ROCK (July 25, 2018/Hulu™)
“Castle Rock combines the mythological scale and intimate character storytelling of Stephen King’s best-loved works, weaving an epic saga of darkness and light, played out on a few square miles of Maine woodland.”

The extended trailer for this 10 episode TV series looks pretty dang creepy. Guess I’ll have to bribe my neighbor with some sort of adult beverage with optional ice cubes and/or silly straw to get his Hulu™ login password and binge watch it.

HURT (July 26, 2018/Fantasia)
“Rose moves into a house in the woods close to her sister after her boyfriend gets deployed and things don’t go right when Halloween night arrives.”

Yeesh, they really don’t try to sell it with that generic/lame press release. Wonder if Rose has to do battle with Halloween raccoons out trick-or-treating for pine cones? Who wouldn’t want to see a movie like that?

PATIENT ZERO (August 14, 2018)
“An unprecedented global pandemic has resulted in the evolution of a new species. An aggressive form of rabies turns the infected into predators, addicted to violence. An inexplicably gifted human survivor with the ability to speak their new language spearheads a hunt for Patient Zero in order to find a cure to save his infected wife and humanity.”

The global pandemic that creates an aggressive form of rabies no doubt results in Republicans. That obvious truth stated, Patient Zero sounds like a cross between Pontypool (2008) and every other zombie movie from the last 10 years. You may now aggressively yawn.

MY WORST NIGHTMARE (Canada on T+E/Spring 2019)
“My Worst Nightmare explores harrowing recurring nightmares and brings them to life in vivid detail.”

This is gonna be Canadian documentary TV series, which means you should stock up on Moosehead Lager (5% alcohol), Molson Canadian (5% alcohol), Labatt Blue (5% alcohol), Sleeman’s Honey Brown (5.3% alcohol), Big Rock Traditional Ale (5% alcohol), and — winner! — Unibroue La Fin Du Monde (9% alcohol). Heck, try ’em all and bring your own nightmares to life in vivid detail.

Multi Evil Balloons, Multi-Headed Sharks, Multi Levels of Hell

Lovin’ the prankster “marketing” of Stephen King’s It re-boot (releasing September 8, 2017). One comes from Pennsylvania, specifically Lititz Borough, located about 40 miles southeast of Harrisburg. Someone tied the “kid bait” iconic red balloon to sewer grates. For those who know, this is where the demonic clown Pennywise lives, lures you in, and makes you load your britches in fear. Coincidence all of this takes place in a sewer?

The other one comes from Stephen King himself, tying a red balloon in the window of his famous Bangor, Maine house for visiting trespassing gawkers to see/photograph. I don’t know why, but I find this to be quite funny.

The film is getting a huge pre-buzz and looks to scare the clown paint off your face. While wade through sewer holes to see it, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to honk your clown car horn…

5-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (available now)
“Shaped like a terrifying starfish, a shark that has five heads terrorizes the open ocean and invades the beaches of Puerto Rico.”

Don’t know how this one got by me. I must’ve been manscaping. Or kazoo busking (I’m getting quite good at it — I’m now a double income lower class earner.) This shark week franchise got it’s start back in 2012 with 2-Headed Shark Attack. Then came 3-Headed Shark Attack in 2015. Waited anxiously for 4-Headed Shark Attack, but I think they just skipped the line and went for the brass life ring with 5-Headed Shark Attack. These types of movies don’t really need a plot — just get some screaming bait in micro bikinis and ring the dinner bell. As goofy as the premise is, you couldn’t pay me NOT to watch it.

COLD MOON (October 6, 2017)
“In a sleepy southern town, the Larkin family suffers a terrible tragedy. Now the Larkin’s are about to endure another: traffic lights blink an eerie warning, a ghostly visage prowls in the streets, and graves erupt from the local cemetery in an implacable march of terror. And beneath the murky surface of the river, a shifting, almost human shape slowly takes form to seek a terrible vengeance.”

It’s probably Pennywise. If so, props to his agent for him scoring another showcase role.

DEATH HOUSE (January 26, 2018)
“Two federal agents fight their way through nine levels of Hell inside a secret prison known as the Death House. A facility-wide prison break turns their flight into a tour of horrors as they push toward the ultimate evil housed in the lowest depths of the earth.”

Almost the same plot premise as Baskin, a Turkish horror movie released in 2015 that’ll make you give up eating rancid ground hamburger floating in an otherwise delicious ketchup-based sauce. As for the nine levels of Hell, you can enter three of ‘em on your way to the men’s room at The Tug Tavern.

LET THE CORPSES TAN (aka Laissez bronzer les cadavres!/2018)
“A Mediterranean summer: blue sea, blazing sun…and 250 kg of gold stolen by Rhino and his gang. They had found the perfect hideout: an abandoned and remote hamlet now taken over by a woman artist in search for inspiration. Unfortunately, surprise guests and two cops compromise their plan: the heavenly place where wild happenings and orgies used to take place turns into a gruesome battlefield.”

This one might need to be nominated for movie title of the year award. Gotta love the colorful press release: “wild happenings and orgies” and “gruesome battlefield.” Sounds like a heavy metal box social.

S.U.M.1 (2018)
“An aggressive race of aliens took over Earth and humanity’s at its end, living in giant bunkers below ground. Young military rookie S.U.M.1 is sent to the surface to save a group of unprotected survivors.”

Recalls Battle Los Angeles (2011) and about another hundred sci-fi movies featuring aliens. Still don’t know why extraterrestrials are so hell bent on conquering we Earthers; maybe it’s on their to-do list.

UFOs, Gunslingers, Clowns and Snowmen

On the eve of April 2, 2017’s Wrestlemania XXXIII (that’s 33 for all you non-Roman numeral types), The Undertaker is back to win again, something he’s done every Wrestlemania except one in the last three-plus decades. It’s rumored that he’ll retire after this match. Can’t say I blame him; one can only be dropped on your head for so many years before your luck runs out and your skull hits the mat like a freshness expired tomato.

The Undertaker would make a great horror movie icon after he hangs up his tights. What screams horror more than “you can’t kill a dead guy”? While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll no doubt give you a headache…

PHOENIX FORGOTTEN (April 21, 2017)
“In the spring of 1997, several residents of Phoenix, Arizona claimed to witness mysterious lights in the sky. This phenomenon, which became known as The Phoenix Lights, remains the most famous UFO sighting in American history. On July 23, 1997, three high school student filmmakers went missing while camping in the desert outside Phoenix. The purpose of their trip was to document their investigation into the Phoenix Lights. They were never seen again. Twenty years later, Sarah Bishop, a documentary filmmaker and younger sibling of one of the missing, returns to Phoenix to delve into the their disappearances and the emotional trauma left on those that knew them. Nothing can prepare her for the shocking discovery of a tape from the night her brother and his friends disappeared.”

This sounds exactly like The Phoenix Tapes ’97, right down to the premise of found footage and video cameras that never seem to run out of juice. With four other movies using The Phoenix Lights as a plot device (not counting the numerous documentaries), you’d think aliens would get their lawyers on the copyright case. Given the current state of affairs, it would be a hoot to have an illegal alien sue the U.S.

THE DARK TOWER (July 28, 2017)
“The last gunslinger, Roland Deschain has been locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim, also known as the Man in Black, determined to prevent him from toppling the Dark Tower, which holds the universe together. With the fate of the worlds at stake, good and evil will collide in the ultimate battle as only Roland can defend the Tower from the Man in Black.”

Not sure how they’re gonna pull this off as its based on EIGHT Stephen King novels, beginning in 1982, and kitchen sinks it with themes of dark fantasy, science fantasy, horror, and Western. (What — no Acid Jazz Goth?) But hey, it still sounds like a good excuse to sit in a movie theater while munching on light bulb heated popcorn and sipping from smuggled airline bottles of Mezcal.

IT (September 8, 2017)
“When children begin to disappear in the town of Derry, Maine, a group of young kids are faced with their biggest fears when they square off against an evil clown named Pennywise, whose history of murder and violence dates back for centuries.”

The clown is about to get down. The original It (1990), based on the Stephen King novel of the same name with 100,000 pages in 37 formats, was a mini series made for sanitized television programming. But the new It is a movie and will probably carry a triple XXX rating. Or maybe an R. Doesn’t matter; as long as it doesn’t water itself down for TV like the original. (Disclaimer — Tim Curry did a pretty good job as Pennywise. Everybody else, not so much.)

THE SNOWMAN (October 13, 2017)
“Detective Harry Hole investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf is found wrapped around an ominous-looking snowman.”

Detective Harry Hole. Sounds like a serviceable porn star name. And Snowmen wearing scarves? That’s pretty fashionable for someone made out of a non-flavored Slushee™. Wonder if it was a nice silk ascot or one of those cheap knock-offs you get at 7-Eleven™? Seems to me, though, that snowmen should be wearing leg warmers. Now THERE’S a timeless fashion statement.

Evil, Evil and More Evil

If I was be paid to watch horror and sci-fi movies, I’d be rich. Things I’d buy with my richness: solid gold couch with diamond occasional pillows, that invisibility blanket from the Harry Potter movies, and a bathroom overflowing with products for my hair. But until that time comes, here are five upcoming horror movies I won’t get paid to watch…

HAVENHURST (February, 2017 / limited)
“Havenhurst is a looming apartment complex in the heart of New York City’s historic Tudor City district. A beautifully maintained, turn-of-the-century building that houses over 3,000 residents and countless dark secrets. The rent is what you can afford and the rules are simple: live a good and decent life and you can stay forever. Break the rules and…”

Reminds me of the premise of the 666 Park Avenue TV series (September 30, 2012 to July 13, 2013). They’d never let me move into either of those places. I broke the “living a good and decent life” commandment shortly after exiting the womb.

AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (June 30, 2017)
“An ambitious female television news intern, on the verge of breaking the most famous haunted house case in the world, leads a team of journalists, clergymen and paranormal researchers into an investigation of the bizarre events that will come to be known as The Amityville Horror, only to unwittingly open a door to the unreal that she may never be able to close.”

Alerted the masses about this one back in the good ol’ days of 2015. Since then they’ve moved the release date twice. That’s generally not a good sign. Neither is the tired set-up of paranormal researchers wandering around a haunted house without first wiping their feet. Wonder if this one will finally feature the return of Jody the floating demon pig (as represented by red glowing eyes and oinking) from The Amityville Horror (1979)? They really missed a golden marketing opportunity there: Amityville Thick-Cut Bacon™.

THE LOVE WITCH (March 10, 2017)
“Elaine, a beautiful young witch, is determined to find a man to love her. In her Gothic Victorian apartment she makes spells and potions, and then picks up men and seduces them. However, her spells work too well, leaving her with a string of hapless victims. When she finally meets the man of her dreams, her desperation to be loved will drive her to the brink of insanity and murder.”

Oh, Elaine — you don’t need Nivea™ spells and potions to sack a dude. Beer does the job just fine. And for post-speed dating clean-up, I recommend Bounty™ paper towels.

WHAT THE WATERS LEFT BEHIND (in production as of December 2016)
“Epecuén was one of the most important touristic villages of Argentina. Thousands of people are attracted by the healing properties of its thermal waters. On November 10, 1985, a huge volume of water broke the protecting embankment and the village was submerged under ten meters of salt water. Epecuén disappeared. Thirty years later, the waters receded and the ruins of Epecuén emerged exposing a bleak and deserted landscape. The residents never returned. A group of young people take a trip to the ruins in order to film a documentary about Epecuén. Ignoring the warnings, and after a brief tour, they get stranded in the abandoned village. Contrary to what they thought, they begin to realize that they are really not alone.”

The title brings to mind a trip to The Poggie Tavern men’s room. Now THERE’S some real horror. I remember what I was doing on November 10, 1985 when that village flooded. I was filling my above-ground Argentinian swimming pool and got distracted with a case of Berlina Foreign Stout™. By the time I remembered it, the darn pool overflowed all over the place. Time, unlike Epecuén, floats when you’re having fun.

ISLAND ZERO (2017)
“Inhabitants of a fishing island off the coast of Maine find themselves mysteriously cut off from the outside world after the ferry suddenly stops coming. All the phones have gone dead and every boat sent to the mainland fails to return. When dead bodies turn up along the water’s edge, the hardy band of survivors must find out who, or what, is killing them.”

A tantalizingly and cool premise. Apologies to the filmmakers for the above graphic. I didn’t have an official poster to use, so I totally stole this off your Facebook page. (I’ll replace it once the official version comes out. Feel free to put me in the special thanks section.)

War Inside My Head

Saw the trailer for Pod (2015), a new sci-fi dealie. Interesting, but it doesn’t quite tell you what the movie is about. Luckily I can cheat and cut ‘n paste the synopsis…

“After receiving a troubling voice-mail, estranged siblings Ed and Lyla travel to their isolated family lake house in Maine to hold an intervention on their increasingly paranoid, war veteran brother, Martin. But the situation rapidly spirals out of control when they discover the house completely ransacked and learn that Martin has constructed an elaborate and horrifying conspiracy theory surrounding a sinister entity that he believes he has trapped in the basement.”

And therein lies the possible swerve – they tell us Martin is an “increasingly paranoid, war veteran” who “believes” he has a sinister entity trapped in the basement, probably next to an old lawnmower, some jars of once-edible gunk and an old fridge that doesn’t have any beer in it. This means it could all be in his hurt-y head.

War-induced schizophrenia is quite unfortunate for many and more sinister than any entity. (That is, unless you hang out at the Poggie Tavern in West Seattle during last call. You want entities? They should put ‘em on the menu.) But what if the entity is a for real extraterrestrial? The movie poster certainly hints at an otherworldly creature.

Guess we’ll just have to wait until August 28, 2015 when Pod comes out. In the meantime, I’ll do my time-killing at the Poggie. I just won’t go in their basement.

Pet Sematary: Diggin’ Up The Past

Pet Sematary (1989), an adaptation of a Stephen King book, follows in the unique trend of horror fans doing their documentaries on their favorite films, the mind-boggling Room 237 (2013), a microscopic dissertation on The Shining, blazing the trail.

Because I’m feeling a bit washed out right now from watching non-dubbed Japanese sci-fi without sub-titles, I’ll let the press release do the talking:  “Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary is an independent documentary taking an extensive look at the making of Pet Sematary, the origins of the story, the stories of cast and crew, memories of the Maine locals who helped make the film, and the legacy the film has established among horror fans and scholars of Stephen King’s work.”

In addition to what I hope will be unseen footage of you-know-who being flattened by a you-know-what, there’s interviews with cast and crew members, tours of filming locations, behind the scene photos and videos, and a bunch of other stuff I’m just not up for writing about because I can’t get the sound of a Japanese expressed “aiyeeee!” out of my freakin’ head.

For those of you who may not have seen Pet Sematary or read the book, a little kid gets run over by a semi, his dad buries him in an ancient Indian burial ground after being warned not to, the kid comes back to life and curse word worthy Hell breaks loose.

You may remember Pet Sematary under its first short story title: The Monkey’s Paw (1902). (Just replace horse-drawn buggy with eighteen-wheeler.)