Archive for DisneyLand

Affordable Sharks, Maniac Babysitters, Killer TV

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Hotel

Shark Hotel, unfortunately, is not a real movie, though it should be. The homage to the old lurid VHS cover art was expertly designed by Rob Schrab.

There’s a real Shark Hotel, though. It’s in the UK (there’s also one in Sydney, Australia), and looks to be perfect for those traveling abroad on a budget made of shoestring. Here’s the bait: “Featuring marine-themed murals and mood lighting, the casual cabin-style rooms sleep up to 4 guests (2 in bunk beds), and include free Wi-Fi, flat-screen TVs, and tea and coffee-making facilities. Shark Hotel is on the edge of Fleet Lake within the Thorpe Park theme park. This quirky hotel with a shark-shaped entrance and is a 5-minute walk from Derren Brown’s Ghost Train and two miles from the M25 motorway. A breakfast buffet and parking are free, while fast-track access to rides is also offered. There’s an informal restaurant/bar.”

Shark Hotel

Sharks, ghosts, bunk beds and an informal restaurant/bar? This sounds like the British version of Disneyland. Whilst I rummage around for holiday shillings (probably some stashed under my kip — look it up), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as entertaining as an informal restaurant/bar or a British bunk bed…

The Babysitter

THE BABYSITTER (October 13, 2017/Netflix™)
“Cole is madly in love with his babysitter, Bee. She’s cool and awesome in all the ways Cole is not. One evening while Bee is babysitting, Cole witnesses the unthinkable. Now he must survive a night full of first kisses, first broken hearts, and first encounters with homicidal maniacs.”

So the object of Cole’s pants desire is a homicidal maniac. As babysitting techniques go, you can’t argue with its effectiveness.

Slasher: Guilty Party

SLASHER: GUILTY PARTY (October 17, 2017/Netflix™)
“In the remote Canadian winter wilderness, a group of former summer camp counselors are forced to return to the isolated campground to retrieve evidence of a crime they committed in their youth. Before long the group, and the camp’s latest inhabitants — members of a spiritual retreat with their own secrets to hide — find themselves targeted by someone — or something — out for horrific revenge.”

A masked killer with a sharp hunting knife is hunting down young girls for Cuisinarting purposes. Where have I heard that before? Oh, I know — about 3,000 same-themed movies ago.

All I See Is You

ALL I SEE IS YOU (October 27, 2017)
“Gina and husband James have an almost perfect marriage. After being blinded as a child in a nearly fatal car crash that claimed her parent’s lives, Gina depends on James to be her eyes-a dependence that appears to solidify their passionate relationship. It seems the only real hardship this loving couple faces is difficulty conceiving a child but when Gina is given the opportunity to have a corneal transplant and regains her vision, their life and relationship are upended. Gina now sees the world with a new sense of wonder and independence which James finds threatening. It is only when Gina suddenly begins to lose her sight again that she finally realizes the disturbing reality of their marriage and their lives.”

The lively Blake Lively stars in this one. Last time I saw her, she was being manhandled by a crazy mad shark (The Shallows/2016). Now it looks like she’s about to face off with a marriage shark. Those, I hear, are crazy mad.

The Murder Show

THE MURDER SHOW (2017/2018)
“A journalist’s search for clues leading to his sisters disappearance lands him on a disturbing hidden website inside the deep web called The Murder Show. He soon finds himself being stalked by the twisted psychopaths that run the site.”

There are twisted psychopaths on the Internet? Why in Steve Jobs’ name didn’t anyone tell me? I’ll have to be careful where I click and impulse shop.

Drac is Back

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Return of Dracula

The Return of Dracula (1958) is neither. You read me correctly – this IMPOSTER is NOT Dracula (he doesn’t even have pointy teeth, for neck’s sake), and he doesn’t do anything that would make you think he was a vampire other than have an aversion to sunlight, no reflection and a weirdo foreign accent.

The Return of Dracula

Furthering the rant, this thing was released to theaters as The Fantastic Disappearing Man. That makes more sense as he’s more of a walk-on character than the sucker of souls.

The Return of Dracula

This stake fake killed a man (off screen) on a train who was traveling from Czechoslovakia to California to visit a lady cousin with a distractingly perky young teen daughter and assumed the victim’s identity. Belak Gordal (aka, artificial Dracula), is welcomed into the cousin’s home and lies his way through family history and is given free room and board. I’ll say this for Belak – he’s got míče.

The Return of Dracula

Rachel, the hot young daughter, is smitten with their guest. Probably because she’s easily impressed by foreign accents. But Belak (that name sounds so fake) disappears during the day, sleeping in a coffin in a nearby abandoned mining cave. When he does come out at night he preys on local Rachel’s “time to take her to DisneyLand™” sick friend and doing what nature was gonna do anyway.

The Return of Dracula

All of this is just treading water as there is no depiction of neck ripping and/or the sucking of neck drippings. Tim, Rachel’s boyfriend (who seems to be more of a chauffeur for her constant to and fros, follows his bewitched honey to the cave where Belak was waiting to some serious G-rated stuff to/on her. He heroes up just enough to have the tedious action end with Drac/Belak falling into a mine hole and landing nicely on a protruding wooden stick thing.

The Return of Dracula

A potential note of interest: The Return of Dracula is filmed in belak and white (heh), but for one brief second, a scene showing bloody red blood is flashed. That trick was also used at the end of War of the Colossal Beast (1958) when the grayscale’d monster grabbed high-voltage power lines and lit himself up in day-glo life-ending color.P.S. Don’t grab high-voltage power lines.

Scary-Go-Round

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Park

Years ago a little girl dies after falling out of a Ferris wheel. (She was probably on drugs at the time and thought the ride was a vertical merry-go-round.) The ensuing grief causes the town’s amusement park to shut down. If Disney™ shut down every time someone died on one of their rides, we’d never get to feel up the Little Mermaid’s mom.

The Park

But what is an abandoned amusement park thought to be haunted by ghosts but a magical place just begging to be explored? Screw Disneyland™ and their defective rides – this is the happiest place on earth.

The Park

Spin forward to today: A young Asian hottie loses her brother in…THE PARK, so she goes into… THE PARK to find him. Mysteriously, all the lights and rides come to life as if someone hidden from sight had turned them on with a mystical switch or button. It’s all but said out loud that this place is owned and operated by Satan. (Maybe that’s why the cotton candy costs a hellish $6.66.)

The Park

That’s all I know about The Park (aka, Chow lok yuen/2003), an inherently dumb “horror” movie with tired special effects. As it was originally filmed in 3D and I made the mistake of renting the special edition version and didn’t have those cool paper glasses with one red eye and one blue eye to view it properly. Everything looked blurry. I just thought it was the malt liquor. I think I saw a digital ghost, though. More likely a solid fart.

Haunted Baseball Team

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crazy Eights

Now in their 30s, six friends who once formed the Crazy Eights baseball team in grade-school reunite to pay their respects to one of their “team” who died. (Yes, your math is correct; That makes seven and the title says eight. You win a cookie.)

Crazy Eights

The dead guy’s will asks the surviving group to go the hell outta the way to an old house with an attic to open a chest they filled with toys and the eighth member of their team. Oops, they forgot about the corpse they stashed there.

Crazy EightsThe surviving (for now) group ends up in a condemned medical hospital nearby that used to experiment on children. Once inside they can’t get out. Even though this medical Disneyland™ hasn’t been used in decades, the power still comes on and there’s fresh coffee, water and sugar available. Oh, and the windows still work as one guy finds out when he’s crushed by one that shuts itself!

Crazy Eights

Measured amounts of cussing, yelling, wandering around in circles and really lame deaths. The only-seen-in-flashes ghost of the little girl who accidentally died in the locker all those suffocating years ago and wants revenge or something and everyone dies. That’s it.

Crazy Eights

Barely any blood, no one goes topless (even though porn legend Traci Lords co-stars) and no ghosts eating your face. Worse, Crazy Eights’ (2006) backstory as seen in flashbacks of the medicinal experiments being done on kids is never fully explored nor validated. I need validation, dang it.