Shopping Maul, Presidential UFOs, Space-Trippin’

As one of those “unplug your brain” horror cash-ins, 1986’s Chopping Mall is an admitted guilty pleasure. In this movie, “a group of young shopping mall employees stay behind for a late night party in one of the stores. When the mall goes on lock-down before they can get out, the robot security system malfunctions, and goes on a killing spree.” What’s not to like? And now we can read the gory details with the November 2024 novelization of Chopping Mall. Warning: You’ll need to know how to read for this to work.

From the book’s press release: “The 138-page adaptation is written by Brian G. Berry (The Barn: The Novelization) and based on the screenplay for the 1986 cult classic by Jim Wynorski and Steve Mitchell. High tech robots equipped with state-of-the-art security devices have been recruited as the new mechanical ‘night watchmen’ for Park Plaza Mall. When a jolting bolt of lightning short circuits the main computer control, the robots turn into ‘killbots’ on the loose after unsuspecting shoppers! Four couples are trying to make it after hours in a mattress store. They make it alright — in the morgue!”

Chopping Mall: The Novelization, arrives November 19, 2024, published in paperback, mass market paperback and e-book. That was almost to the day 38 years ago Chopping Mall premiered on November 14, 1986. The clock on my digital waffle iron confirms this. Click this to preorder the book.

So while those of who can’t read, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature teen-extinguishing killbots…OR waffles…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: MARILYN MONROE EXPOSED / May 7, 2024 (DVD, VOD)

“As tensions continue to spike between the United States and the Soviet Union, UFO sightings and the actions involved begin to take a turn. With abductions and other variations of close encounters, did the President attempt to disclose that information in an unorthodox way, trying to warn humanity of what was to come?”

The President disclosing info in an unorthodox is in references to John F. Kennedy, who, back in his living days (until 1963), allegedly had an affair with icon supermodel/actress Marilyn Monroe and pillow talked about all the aliens coming to Earth to vote Democrat. Republican conspiracy theorists with no life insist the cause of Monroe’s non-living was the FBI silencing her to keep pillow talk about visiting aliens a secret. Or maybe aliens did it. Both theories are plausible.

SHE IS CONANN / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“A barbaric fantasy sci-fi trip through time where sword-and-sorcery mythology is bent, fractured, and gender-swapped. Six lives, six eras, and six deaths mark Conann’s poetic journey through different incarnations and lesbian loves. Guiding Conann through her many epic lives is Rainer, a Cerberus of many otherworldly dimensions whose paparazzi camera sees all. A moving portrait of a warrior trying to find her place while outside of space, time, and meaning.”

If I was a warrior trying to find my place outside of space, time and meaning, I’d go to the Tug Tavern, order a chilled carafe of Budweiser™, eat one of their freshness-expired $1.99 mind-altering pickled eggs, strap in…and go for the ride. 

TRAP / August 9, 2024 (Theaters)

“A father and teen daughter attend a pop concert, where they realize they’re at the center of a dark and sinister event.”

Dear god no — it’s Mumford & Sons concert!

ALIEN AI: ABDUCTED / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A pair of siblings travel to a cabin once owned by their now-missing mother in the hopes of solving her strange disappearance.”

According to the movie’s title, mom was abducted by aliens. Problem solved.

Hack House, Haunted Hospital, Divorce Demon

Horror spinster Lizzie Borden was America’s first slasher, hacking her dad and step-mom while the slept with an axe meant for chopping wood. (Who knew axes were multi-purpose?) While Jack The Ripper might very well be the world’s first serial slasher killer, plying his trade back in 1888 London, the legend of Lizzie Borden remains as popular and intriguing as it did when she turned her parents into red kindling back in 1892 in Fall River, Massachusetts. She was ultimately acquitted and ran out the clock until her passing in 1927 from pneumonia and not during a meal prepping accident while using a stainless steel Mezzaluna™ salad and vegetable chopper. And now, thanks to Spirit Halloween™, you can enter a contest for a chance to tour and have breakfast in the actual Lizzie Borden house. (The breakfast features sliced ham, hand-cut hash browns and freshly gashed fruit.) 

From Spirit Halloween’s™ Instagram™ contest post: “Follow the rules and enter for the chance to win the Ultimate Lizzie Borden House experience. Prize includes a guided house tour, a late-night ghost tour, complete with professional ghost-hunting gear, a private breakfast in the Borden family dining room, a ghost-hunting starter kit and a lesson for two at US Ghost Adventures Ghost-Hunting Course, a Lizzie Borden gift shop package, and winner’s choice of a Ghost Tour experience in Salem or a True Crime experience in Boston for two.”

So while we get in the spirit of Halloween and enter the Lizzie Borden contest by clicking this, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not slay you…

LATE CHECKOUT / Out now (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When a group of friends return to their hometown to rent a cabin for a weekend getaway, everything seems wonderful…until the sun sets. Little do they know a string of brutal killings are happening nearby and somewhere lurking in the darkness is a masked madman watching their every move. One thing is certain, some of these guests might not check out at all!”

The most cliched horror movie trope of all time and it STILL gets turned into movies. Many cite Friday the 13th Part II (1981) as ground zero for this template. I cite lazy filmmakers.

MYSTERY WRITERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Mystery Writers is inspired by true encounters at Taiwan’s most haunted building.”

I looked it up and it’s real — Taiwan’s most haunted building is the Xinglin Hospital, located in the ancient capital of Tainan. It officially shut down in 1994 due to bankruptcy…and ghosts.

INCUBUS: NEW BEGINNINGS /Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A group of friends come together to support one of them in her divorce, but what starts as a weekend getaway turns into a fight for their souls.”

Isn’t that what happens normally in a divorce?

MALAM PENCABUT NYAWA / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A teenager can enter other people’s dreams. When he witnesses a dark spirit taking people’s lives in their dreams, he quickly realizes that it’s related to the mysterious deaths that are happening in the real world.”

The title translates as Night of the Life Taker. I liked it better, though, when it was called A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984).

Misshapen Godzilla, Exotic Creatures, Sci-Fi Hat

Chibi Godzilla. Doesn’t quite roll off the linguistic tongue. But if you live in Japan, it’s a well known designation. According to Wikipedia™ — the wizard behind the curtain — “Chibi, also known as super deformation, or S.D. is a style of caricature originating in Japan, and common in anime and manga where characters are drawn in an exaggerated way, typically small and chubby with stubby limbs, oversized heads and minimal detail.”

Now you can get Chibi Godzilla and Friends on t-shirts and hoodies at Godzilla.com. And that’s IF you like seeing Godzilla small and chubby with stubby limbs, oversized heads and minimal detail. Personally, I like Godzilla in full beast mode, ripping the heads off King Ghidorah and eating ’em like niku-dango (Japanese meatballs). Regardless, if you want a Chibi Godzilla t-shirt and/or hoodie ($32.00 and $60.00 respectively), click this and be the envy of every kid under 5.

So while we reconsider impulse buying and/or our fashion choices, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling small and…Chibi…

OMEN / Out now (VOD)

“Following Koffi’s return to his birthplace after he has been ostracized by his family, Omen explores the weight of beliefs on one’s destiny through four characters accused of being witches and sorcerers, all of them intertwined and guiding each other into the phantasmagoria of Africa.”

Had to look up phantasmagoria as I’ve only heard it used as a descriptive in regards to the lovely ladies of Last Call. Merriam-Webster™ defines it thusly: An exhibition of optical effects and illusions; a constantly shifting complex succession of things seen or imagined; a bizarre or fantastic combination, collection, or assemblage Yep, that accurately describes the lovely ladies of Last Call.

FATAL EXPEDITION / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Based on true and ancient rituals of human sacrifice from the 13th century in Borneo, this exotic creature/action film takes us deep into the heart of the jungle as Doctor Sani and his team search for his wife, who disappeared on an expedition to study a mysterious burial totem. Burial poles are known to have been used as instruments of virgin sacrifice in ritual ceremonies. As the doctor’s team makes its way through the jungle looking for answers, each begins having hallucinations and malevolent disturbances and is transported to strange locations. The tension escalates as their deepest fear turns into reality when one of them is taken over by dark forces and the real monster appears.”

A way around being the object of a virgin sacrifice would be to make mattress happen as soon as possible. Problem solved.

WARUGA: KUTUKAN ILLMU HITAM / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man inherits his black magic practitioner father’s house.”

Sounds like a turnkey to me. P.S. The title translates as Waruga: The Curse of the Dark Arts. Duh — all Dark Arts are cursed. It says so right in the instructions.

QUADRANT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Developed by scientists Harry and Meg, the augmented reality Quadrant helmet allows your mind to transport you into a world where all your phobias and nightmares are real, while also granting you the strength to defeat them, liberating you from their control forever. However, the Quadrant experiment is about to go horribly wrong. When Erin, a young woman who’s obsessed with Jack the Ripper uses the device to become the Ripper, she unleashes a reign of terror, first in her mind in an AI version of old London created by the Quadrant, and then in reality, where she now stalks the contemporary city streets, seeking out victims for her blade. The only way to stop this savage new Ripper is for an even more vicious killer to enter the artificial Quadrant-verse and bring her down. What ensues is a brutal, bloody battle, with a murderer against a murderer, both in this world and the surreal, dangerous, synthetic world of Quadrant.”

I liked this better when it was called Dreamscape (1984).

Robo-Pillow, Mud Puddle Monster, House Ghost

The enduring sci-fi hit RoboCop came out in 1987 and was about a policeman murdered to death by criminals and brought back to life (or “revived”) by the mega-corporation Omni Consumer Products as a cyborg law enforcer or “robo-cop”. Unable to recall his non-mechanized life, he launches a violent, emotionless war on crime. Good — criminals deserve nothing less. Since then, RoboCop has been hailed as one of the best films of the 1980s and one of the greatest science fiction and action films ever made. And it was made for only $13.7 million robo-bucks.

RoboCop has two sequels — RoboCop 2 (1990), RoboCop 3 (1993) — as well as a remake in 2014 cleverly titled, RoboCop. And while you can get any variety of RoboCop action figures/models/sex toys (okay, I made up that last one), now, thanks to Toynk Toys™, you can get a RoboCop Enforcement Droid Series 209 — or ED-209 — plush toy. If you’ve seen the original RoboCop, the ED-209 is a heavily-armed robot that looks straight outta Star Wars. It was designed to assist law enforcement officers, but malfunctions and turns into a murder-bot, ala Westworld (1973). Yet another reason to buy it, which you can do here.

From the product description: “Law-breaking criminals of the future don’t stand a chance against this exclusive collector’s plush from the cyberpunk world of RoboCop. Part of OCP’s Enforcement Droid Series, ED-209 stands ready to eradicate crime via any means necessary, including the use of lethal force. You’ll appreciate this soft gray plushie’s menacing mechanical design, including its expressionless black domed head, deadly twin machine-gun arms, and unique stance. Manufactured for maximum crime-fighting carnage, you’ll enjoy every robotic snuggle from this ED-209 plush toy. Captured with finely printed details, this stuffed robot sentry is designed to look just like its on-screen counterpart, only a little more cuddly and a lot less dangerous.” P.S. The ED-209 plushy sells for $35.99 and ships May 1-3, 2024.

So while we all buy this thing and snuggle it while watching RoboCop (the original, not the remake), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be full of crime-fighting carnage — or cotton…

THE KING TIDE / Out now (Theaters)

“After the mayor of an idyllic island village discovers a child with mysterious powers awash on their shores, the once peaceful community devolves into civil war, torn over the belief that the child is the next Saviour.”

So Tween Jesus storms the beaches and everybody freaks out and starts beating the faith outta each other. The first of many things wrong with religion.

THE BOGMAN / Out now (You Tube™/Tubi™)

“After inheriting a ranch from his uncle, Charles Williams, his two kids, and his new wife move to Mountain Bend, Arizona. They find the town is a Bigfoot tourism spot and over half the population are believers. After a few incidents, a local TV documentary crew arrive on the ranch to get a shot of the action. They all soon find out, that you can only push nature so far before it bites back.”

There are bogs in Arizona? An occasional mud puddle, sure. But a bog in a state that only averages 12.26 inches of rain a year even big enough to house a Bog Man? The need to move this movie to Seattle. (I live here and am surrounded by bogs…and bog people.)

FORECLOSURE 2 / Release pending 2024 (VOD, Tubi™)

“A new family moves into a neighborhood in hopes of meeting the ghost that lives in their home.”

A good idea to get on the good side of a ghost you’re sharing your home with. Less chance of the ghost watching TV too loud when you’re trying to sleep or taking a crap while you’re in the shower.

HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man’s Christmas homecoming turns into a nightmare as a killer in a Santa suit gruesomely picks off his estranged, wealthy family for their fortune.”

Great — now the REAL Santa is gonna get blamed.

Celebrating Aliens, Two-Timing Exorcist, Dating Mermaids

Today, April 26, is Alien Day, in celebration of one of sci-fi’s all time greatest movies (and some other stuff). This year also marks the 45th anniversary of Alien, which was released May 25, 1979 and September 6, 1979 in the United Kingdom. The reason it took four months later to introduce Alien to the Brits was that it was deemed too horrifying by the United Kingdom Parliament, citing it would scare the fish ‘n chips right out of their arses. (I got this info from a guy with a fake British accent on the bus.)

Facts about Alien Day I totally copied off the Internet: “Alien Day is a widely acclaimed holiday sponsored by the film production company, 20th Century Fox™. It was first celebrated in 2015 as an unofficial holiday in Brooklyn, New York, by a group of folks who aimed to glorify the world of science fiction. In 2016, it became even more organized and recognized as trivia competitions, comic books, Alien video games, clothes, and collectible prizes became parts of events marking its celebration.”

Horror merch companies like Fright Rags™ and Cavity Colors™ have issued limited edition Alien shirts and hoodies, with Fright Rags™ offering a one-day (today) only preorder of Alien survivor/hottie, Ripley’s cat, Jonesy, who everybody thought had an alien inside of it when they went into stasis (science nap) after blowing the stowaway Alien out of the shuttle into space, where apparently no one can hear you scream.

So while we all celebrate Alien Day by day drinking and then taking a long science nap, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the fish ‘n chips out of your arse…

THE EXORCISM / June 7, 2024 (Theaters)

“A troubled actor begins to unravel while shooting a supernatural horror film. His estranged daughter wonders if he’s slipping back into his past addictions or if there’s something more sinister at play.”

This one stars Russell Crowe. I see your red flag — and I raise ’em. Crowe JUST stared in The Pope’s Exorcist (2023). And now he has ANOTHER exorcism movie coming out? While this is not a sequel (production started on this one in 2019, whereas production began on The Pope’s Exorcist in 2020), Crowe’s at risk of becoming typecast and won’t get any other roles. Just ask Superman’s George Reeves. You fly, they’ll buy.

THE LITTLE MERMAID / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Dr. Eric Prince, an archaeologist, makes a dramatic discovery on a small Caribbean island — proof of an ancient, advanced prehistoric society. While his dig is in progress, he meets the mysterious and beautiful Aurora Bey and falls in love. Her arrival coincides with several mermaid sightings and strange disappearances. When Eric’s friend and mentor, Dr. Ashley, arrives on the island, Ashley uncovers the true identity of Aurora and the dangers of the hidden evil inside Eric’s dig site. Will Eric heed his friend’s advice, or will he be blinded by love and the power of the siren, allowing the world to fall to the forces of evil?”

Sounds like the horror version of Splash (1984). Event with the inherent danger, I’m intrigued with the idea of dating a mermaid. We could get some sushi, maybe stop by the aquarium, or go to the beach to see seas shells by the seashore. What could possibly go wrong?

PIGLET / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the remote Appalachian hills lives Piglet. The son of a once industrious butcher and marred by tragedy, Piglet’s solitary life is shattered when fame-hungry millennials trespass onto his land. They hope to capture paranormal activity on their struggling YouTube™ channel. In a foolish bid to manufacture exploitation, one of them slaughters Piglet’s beloved pig. Little do they know they’ve just incurred the wrath of a vengeful killer. Incensed, Piglet brutally dispatches the trespassers one by one, displaying savage power.”

Piglet, is of course the best friend of the tragically-named Winnie-the-Pooh. In the kid’s books, Piglet’s favorite food is acorns. In this movie, it sounds like his palate leans more towards bloody flesh. Maybe acorns as a pairing.

AIR FRYER SLAUGHTER / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Everyone loves them, has one or wants one — until they start killing and eating your flesh.”

Slaughter I get. But why would anyone want to fry air?

Beach Apes, Spooky Painting, Lust Demon

A few new posters promoting the upcoming Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, arriving on human screens May 10, 2024. Or, if you’re a human that can talk, you might be able to get into an advanced screening on May 8, 2024. By my calculations, that’s two days earlier. (I’ll call NASA and have them double-check my numbers.)

In a cool promotional stunt, 20th Century Fox had apes on horseback trotting around Venice Beach in Los Angeles, glaring at humans who wouldn’t think twice about raiding the apes’ corn fields. I don’t care for corn, but if the apes had a poorly-guarded storage fridge full of kiwi and banana-flavored coconuts, I’d either feast for a month…or end up as a stuffed exhibit in one of their museums.

So while we all loiter around Venice Beach and hope to see apes and not step in “sand apples”, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be full of horsesh*t…

CONTAGION OF FEAR / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“A catastrophic train derailment in Sydney sends the city spiraling into chaos. But the derailment is just the beginning. When her father is framed for a subsequent biological gas attack that results in people dying within minutes, suspended Federal cop Leyla is set on a mission to clear her father’s name and uncover the truth behind the attack that leaves the survivors of a train crash fighting for survival.”

A really good argument for taking the bus. Yes, people on buses are also susceptible to gas attacks, but more often than not from flatulent pension drunk passengers with little to no self control.

MUOI: THE CURSE RETURNS / April 30, 2024

“Linh accepts the invitation to visit Hang, her long lost best friend at a commissional house in a nearby city. During her stay, Linh discovers the haunted portrait of Muoi and its curse throughout years of anger. Linh has to make a life and death decision of either running away or facing the curse in order to save her friend. Little does she know, while slowly unfolding the darkest secret behind this haunted portrait, Linh is falling deeper into the most horrific trap, which was contrived…specifically, just for her.”

Three things more interesting than the plot: Muoi: The Legend of the Portrait (2007), the first film in this “franchise”, became the first horror film in Vietnam after the fall of Saigon. Additionally, the sequel Muoi: The Curse Returns, is the directorial of Vietnam’s first female horror director, Hang Trinh. It’s also Vietnam’s first exorcism-themed horror film. At least that’s what the guy in the produce aisle at the supermarket told me.

KILLING ARIEL / April 20, 2024 (VOD)

After a female demon attacks a contentedly married man, his life turns into a nightmare of madness, lust, adultery, and cold-blooded murder.

They had me at nightmare of madness, lust, adultery, and cold-blooded murder. They lost me at contentedly married man.

THE EVIL WITHIN / April 20, 2024 (VOD)

“When American filmmaker Jason makes an online love connection with a lovely Asian woman, their common career in cinema, along with Jason’s strong attraction to her beauty, has them happily chatting away. Invited to visit her home in Asia, Jason’s infatuation soon turns to terror, when one unsettling thing after another occurs. As the old house becomes more horrifying, Jason realizes all too late that the woman he fancies may be hiding a terrifying secret, and there may be no escape.”

Not a fan of found footage films. If you aren’t, either, just watch the trailer as it shows everything in the movie in two minutes.

Pools of Dead, Extraterrestrial Giants, Cemetery Vampire

The highly-anticipated Deadpool & Wolverine anti-superhero movie premiers July 26, 2024 and promises to be more violent, more bloody and, if it’s even possible, more funny. After watching the movie’s trailers, looks like they easily have that in the bag. With that, here are a four Deadpool & Wolverine sales sheets to get you juiced up for what is sure to be a box office nut punch.

Here’s a few things about Deadpool & Wolverine that you might not be aware of (SPOILER ALERT): The creature Alioth, who you know from the MCU TV series Loki, makes an appearance, as does Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, Toad, Azreal, Cassandra Nova, Paradox — a Time Variance Authority (TVA) agent (see Loki), and Thor, via re-purposed archival footage from Avengers: Infinity War (2018). There’s more I shouldn’t say out loud so as not to further blow all the cameos. Coolest of all, we’ll get to meet Dogpool, a canine variant of the mutated Wade Wilson/Deadpool. 

A few fun facts: Deadpool & Wolverine was directed, co-written and co-produced by Shawn Levy, who, as you know, is primary producer of the massive hit Netflix™ series Stranger Things. Wolverine wears the famous yellow and blue costume from X-Men: The Animated Series (1992–1997) and comic books, specifically Astonishing X-Men Volume 3 (2004 — 2013). And leggy songstress/mega-star Taylor Swift was supposed to make a cameo appearance as Dazzler, but that did not come to fruition. Dodged that bullet.

So while we all re-watch Deadpool & Wolverine’s trailers and impatiently wait for more sales sheets, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have Taylor Swift — or a mutated dog — in ’em…

MONSTERS BATTLEFIELD / Out now (YouTube™)

Ye Qin, the fiancée of Qin Yang, a heroic soldier, died tragically after encountering an unknown giant beast. Gu Ping invited him to participate in Ye Qin’s scientific research during his lifetime. But Gu Ping secretly used Ye Qin’s research results to combine the genes of unknown giant beasts to create the ‘zero’ dragon-shaped creature. Between the intelligent dragon-shaped creatures and an extraterrestrial giant beast that evolved by devouring everything in their path, an urban war is about to break out.”

This one came out in China in 2021, but it’s just now available to the US — for FREE, no less. For completists, this was originally called, Alien Beast Battlefield. I’m on the fence as to which title I most prefer, though if it were up to me, I’d name it Dragon-Shaped Creature.

ROTTEN, WELCOME TO THE FREAK SHOW / Out now (VOD)

“A young boy with a skin disease is bullied by classmates before being attacked and left for dead. Rescued by a side show ringmaster the legend of Rotten is born. As the past surfaces, Rotten plots his revenge.”

Is this the kid of the Elephant Man? If so, wonder who the mom was and how many cocktail peanuts E-Man had to get her loaded on to make trunk happen?

THE HIGHGATE VAMPYRE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Documentary filmmakers investigate reports of a bloodsucker at Highgate Cemetery in North London. While filming at the graveyard, they witness paranormal activity and encounter the legendary Vampyre of Highgate.”

They encounter the same guy the movie is named after? What are the odds?

FRENZY MOON / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Six college students and one mysterious stranger spend a terrifying night battling a pack of werewolves in an isolated cabin.”

This one’s being described as John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) meets The Howling (1981). Still, I liked this better when it was called Dog Soldiers (2002).

Aliens Assemble, Djinn Squatter, Ninja Kaiju

As mashups go, the upcoming Aliens vs. Avengers looks to be right up there with Godzilla vs. Kong…but in Marvel™ comic book form and not in real life, like Godzilla and Kong smacking the box office outta each other. And while you think Hulk or Thor could simply squash an alien like an extraterrestrial ant, think again — the Xenomorphs now have brand-new bugging abilities. Yeah, I’m droolin’.

From Marvel’s™ press release: “It’s all led to this: Xenomorphs reach Earth! The perfect organism meets a planet of superhumans. Who will be first to fall?” As teased by writer Johnathan Hickman, “Probably one of the coolest things about the project is how we’ve found really fun ways to ‘Avengerize’ Aliens and ‘alien-up’ Avengers. I think fans will be surprised at how elegantly some of those things fit together. It really turned out to be a chocolate-and-peanut-butter situation.”

I like chocolate and peanut butter, together AND separate, which means I’ll be Johnny on the spot to buy Aliens vs. Avengers #1, which by the way arrives in comic book stores on July 24, 2024. So while you join me in line (no cuts, though), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bug you… 

THE FINAL EXORCIST / Out now (VOD)

“A priest must face the demon of his past and overcome the fear that holds him back to save the soul of a new victim.”

Isn’t this the plot of every exorcist-themed movie ever made? P.S. This is a short film. The Devil was probably on the clock, what with his “souls to-do” list.

THE CURSED LAND / July 11, 2024 (VOD)

“A widower and his daughter travel’s to Thailand’s deep south to seek help from a Muslim doctor after unleashing a Djinn in a rundown house.”

They should wait this one out — Djinn have high living standards and will likely move to a non-fixer-upper or a turn-key.

WAR OF THE NINJA MONSTERS: JARON VS. GOURA / July 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)

“Two men, tired from work, visit the town of Chichibu to enjoy exploring caves, their favorite hobby. But little do they know, the town has been secretly protected by the descendants of the righteous Shinobi ninja since the Sengoku period. The two unlucky friends accidentally break a spell that awakens two colossal beasts, Jaron and Goura. The area’s rival clans manipulate them into a fierce battle, bringing chaos to the area. But a righteous female ninja steps up, wanting to stop the destruction and restore the seal. Can she defeat the evil ninjas that stand in her way before Chichibu is completely destroyed by two kaiju?”

Who needs a heavily-armed military force to battle two kaiju and adding to the massive collateral damage when all it takes is a righteous female ninja? Don’t scoff in disbelief — ninjas, female or otherwise, are highly-skilled at Taijutsu (unarmed combat), Kenjutsu (sword techniques), Shurikenjutsu (throwing weapons techniques), and have killer moves on the dance floor. 

A SOUTHERN HORROR / December 2024 (VOD)

“A Southern Horror unfurls as a dark journey through the haunted landscape of the American South, where Adelaide, tough but broken by her past, finds herself entangled in a web of sinister events and supernatural dread. Adelaide’s story weaves together with the three individual stories she collects, blending supernatural horror with raw human emotion set against a backdrop of haunted Southern landscapes.”

There’s lots of supernatural goings-on in the American South, like the infamously haunted Sweetwater Mansion, once featured on the TV show, Paranormal State, The Tombigbee River, which is haunted by the ghost ship Eliza Battle, and Gaineswood, a plantation house, haunted by the ghost of a former housekeeper. Her ghost plays the piano in the music room. She takes requests, but don’t ask her to play “Sweet Caroline”...unless you’re prepared for sinister ramifications.

Taking A Stab At Halloween, A Dose of Hell, Dueling Monsters

What’s better than watching people get knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers? Reading about people getting knifed up the wazoo by Halloween’s horror icon Michael Myers. (I looked it up — wazoo is a real word…and you probably don’t wanna know what it means.) And few are better suited to the horror readable word than Printed In Blood™, who is offering Halloween: Illustrated, a 200+ page illustrated hardcover novel all about wazoo knifings. 

From the website: “Printed In Blood™ is VERY proud to present the ORIGINAL Halloween movie tie-in novelization, reprinted in full here for the first time in over 40 years! In addition, it has been fully illustrated throughout with nearly a hundred brand-new Illustrations created just for this release by the vector genius, Orlando ‘Mexifunk’ Arocena. This 224-page volume is bursting with both classic and gorgeous new artistic visions of the John Carpenter 1978 horror classic.”

So while everyone else except me looks up “wazoo” (click this) and orders the $50 Halloween: Illustrated novelization for $50.00 (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as painful as being knifed up the wazoo…

CURSED / Out now (Spain), Release pending US 2024 (VOD)

“The lives of six girls are connected through a doll called Molly, whose existence dates back to 1976, when she appeared among the rubble of the great fire of the San Carlos orphanage in northern Spain.”

In 1989, piano pop personality Billy Joel had a Grammy™-awarded hit with “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, insisting that him and the band were non-culpable for a myriad of arson cases. So who, then, was behind the San Carlos great fire? Billy Joel.

HELLDOSE / Out now (VOD, DVD, Blu-ray)

“Accompany our hostess Larissa Anzoategui (the director herself) on an experience through several layers of Hell and vengeance as she serves up terrible and delicious taboo secrets from beyond the mortal realm in this dazzling anthology of erotic and comic indie horror that was partially inspired by the Cthulhu Mythos.”

Not seeing the point here as all taboo secrets are delicious. Taboos taste like potato chips. And like potato chips, you can’t have just one.

FOR SALE / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“Mason McGinness has always been good at two things: selling himself, and finding ways to cheat people into buying when they shouldn’t. One day, his brazen swindling catches up with him and he finds himself fired from his job and kicked to the curb by his ex-girlfriend. Mason finds a small realty company that needs someone to sell a piece of property that is considered ‘unsellable’. The catch? It is the infamous Scarlett Clay House — a haunted property where anyone who inhabits it ends up dead. Now, with the help of a quirky psychic, Mason must find his humanity to get his life back…or die trying.”

Mason sounds like more like a bartender than a realtor.

WILD EYED AND WICKED / June 11, 2024 (VOD)

“In her attempt to strike back at the medieval creature that’s haunted her family for generations, Lily Pierce must reconnect with her estranged father, Gregory, a disgraced history professor, and learn how to draw upon a time of steel and blade when armor-clad knights rode out and dueled monsters to the death.”

Armor-clad knight riding out to duel monsters to the death is what I put on my job résumé — and was offered the night shift manager position at 7-Eleven™.

Demon Dogs, Spank Monster, Musical Werewolves

In the 1984 mega-hit movie Ghostbusters, Dana Barrett and Louis Tully were turned into demon dogs — Zuul and Vinz Clortho. But you already knew that as everyone in the world has seen Ghostbusters and its four sequels at least a dozen times each. (Not the Ghostbusters remake from 2016, though — that thing sucked ectoplasm.)

And now, thanks to Spirit Halloween™ — the Hustler Superstore™ of all things Halloween — you can get a life-sized Zuul Terror Dog to put on the porch and scare the Hersheys™ out of annoying trick-or-treaters this All Hallow’s Eve. And because kids pounding on your door, threatening violence and/or a one-star rating on social media if you don’t give them heart-healthy candy, you’ll gladly shell out the Terror Dog’s staggering $599.99 retail price.

The only info about the Zuul Terror Dog on Spirit Halloween’s™ website is that the item is considered oversized and will require an additional shipping fee. However, they don’t tell you how much this dog weighs or even what it’s made of. It could be plastic, latex, carbon something or rather, or inter-dimensional marshmallow. (You got that joke, right?) Regardless, just the pre-shipping price alone is a walletbuster. P.S. They don’t ship to Canada. If price is no object, then click here to get the Zuul Terror Dog…and hope it’s housebroken.

So while we all look at cheaper alternatives when it comes to purchasing paranormal pups, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the Hersheys™ outta you…

EARTHQUAKE UNDERGROUND / Out now (Tubi™)

“A massive quake submerges a hotel. A young architect must overcome all odds to save his pregnant diabetic girlfriend before the structure collapses.”

Given its current state, you can probably get a good deal on rooms. Not any with a view, though.

NYCTOPHOBIA / April 22, 2024 (UK), Release pending 2024 US (VOD)

“A found footage horror film in which twin sisters and their friend are trapped in a supernatural blackout.”

A supernatural blackout is just another term for passed out drunk.

THIS NEVER HAPPENED / April 26, 2024 (Tubi™)

“While staying at her boyfriend’s childhood home with him and his friends, a young woman experiences terrifying visions of a violent spirit.”

And that violent spirit in the childhood home was called…The Spanker.

WEREWOLF SERENADE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)
“A burnt-out college professor accidentally becomes a lycanthrope. He and his concert cellist wife Julia embrace the change to thwart an evil occultist plot, save the college, and their marriage.”

Werewolves playing violins. There’s always room for cello.