Archive for Massachusetts

30 Years of Elvira, Synthetic Sex, Black Magic Punk Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Elvira (aka, Cassandra Peterson), the timeless and beautiful/bountiful horror movie hostess, is hosting a 30th Anniversary screening of her 1988 classic horror comedy movie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Thursday, October 4th in Salem, Massachusetts. Tickets are a wallet-stretching $50 general admission and are on sale now. Elvira will be 67 by the time of the screening, and to look at her now (quick, what color are her eyes?), you’d think she is still mint-in-box.

Elvira

Also times to the screening is Arrow Video’s Blu-ray releasing of the movie, which as horror movie fans know, will be the first time in its available in that format. Wish it was in 3D. Ahem.

Elvira

In Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, the cult-movie TV hostess inherits an old New England house, a poodle and a black magic cookbook. But no one ever said, “Hey, let’s go see a movie with a poodle and a black magic cookbook!” One look at Elvira and you’ll see what she so effectively uses to pay the rent. This is one time you want the event to go bust. Heh.

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to watch while I go outside and get slapped in the head for my insensitive remarks…

How It Ends

HOW IT ENDS (July 13, 2018)
“As a mysterious apocalypse causes the spread of misinformation and violence, a man and his estranged father-in-law race across a chaotic and fractured country to save his pregnant wife.”

Standard post-apocalyptic scenario — go from one side of the country to the other, while navigating (pick one or more) zombies, gangs, criminals, stinky punk rock maniacs, Mad Max. I have enough trouble getting from one side of the grocery store to the other. (Why can’t they put the salted snack treats next to the beer cooler? Utter madness.)

Zoe

ZOE (July 20, 2018/Amazon Prime Video)
“Two colleagues at a revolutionary research lab design technology to improve and perfect romantic relationships. As their work progresses, their discoveries become more profound than they could ever have imagined.”

What the press release doesn’t tell you, the trailer shows: a scientist designs a synthetic chick and falls in love with it and wants to insert his hard drive into her software. Wasn’t this the subtext of Ex-Machina (2014)? On that note, inflatable love dolls are far less expensive, easier to maintain and, more importantly, clean.

Boogeyman Pop

BOOGEYMAN POP (2018)
“A bat-wielding, masked killer in a rusted-out black Cadillac weaves in and out of three interlocking stories awash in sex, drugs, punk rock, black magic, and broken homes.”

You really can’t go wrong when you mix punk rock with black magic. The rusted-out Caddie is but mere artistic expression. I hope it comes with a full tank of sex and drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. I’d say don’t do sex, either, as it too is a gateway drug and… Crap, I did it again — now I’m way over my head. Bailing now while I can.

Monster

MONSTER (2018)
Emily is tired of her life. In a dead-end job that she hates and an employer who takes advantage of her, she dreams of a life away from the daily grind. Her life will take an unexpected turn, however when she is snatched from work and bundled into a van. She awakes later in the isolated Remington home, a place of death and violence where depravity and horror are the norm. Led by the fearsome Richard, the undisputed head of the household, Emily discovers that the Remington’s are organizing a very special birthday party and she is the guest of honor. When the birthday boy — the Remington’s seven-foot-tall hulk of a son appears, Emily realizes she is more than just a guest and their intentions for her are much more sinister.”

Word at the bus stop is that the generically-titled Monster is a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Natural Born Killers (1994). So, like, is this Bonnie and Clyde with power tools?

Man Witch

Posted in Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Covenant

Four teenage preppie dudes with supernatural abilities that would’ve gotten them burnt at the stake in the 1600s, drive around Ipswich, Massachusetts in new convertibles, thwart bullies with their powers, pose and say stuff like, Harry Potter can kiss my ass!” 

The Covenant

The pretty boy-centric The Covenant (2006) is like The Craft (1996) starring the Backstreet Boys. The eldest “man witch” is scheduled to ascend on his eighteenth birthday, meaning his mystical testicles drop, thereby increasing his magic skillz and dreamy eyes to the power of one thousand. There’s a catch: every time you use the power it ages you. The other catch: it’s extremely addictive, like the new Fall fashions they all wear.

The Covenant

Along comes another descendant who also has powers and power eyebrows, but is totally not cool. He forces a confrontation with the lead man-boy who looks JCPenney™ catalog worthy when he pouts, but when he smiles seems to have six or seven extra teeth, which kinda goons me out.

The Covenant

As he’s about to ascend, the mean catalog model wants to suck his foe’s power sauce and make his trickster attributes a double thousand times what he’s currently packin’. There’s a couple of hot chicks, but none show much more than their panties, although two bare butts — male and female — make brief (ahem) appearances.

The Covenant

If I had man witch powers and dreamy eyebrows, first thing I’d do is go accessory shopping at JCPenney™. Their Fall fashion line is to die for.

Pet Monsters, Human Monsters, Religious Monsters

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Okja

The neighborhood had one of those community garage sales the other day. it’s always fun to rummage through other people’s crap. Hit pay dirt, though, when I found a box of ‘80s horror movies on VHS tape for .25 cents each.

I was so happy until I got home and realized I don’t have a VHS player. Sigh. Might as well go listen to that box of 8-tracks I also scored for about the same price and… Oh, crud; I don’t have an 8-track player, either. There’s $2.00 I’ll never see again.

On that Einstein note, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be worth .25 cents to watch…

OKJA (June 28, 2917/Netflix)
“For 10 idyllic years, young Mija has been caretaker and constant companion to Okja – a massive animal and an even bigger friend – at her home in the mountains of South Korea. But that changes when the family-owned multinational conglomerate Mirando Corporation takes Okja for themselves and transports her to New York, where image obsessed and self-promoting CEO Lucy Mirando has big plans for Mija’s dearest friend.”

Sounds like a re-imagineering of King Kong/Mighty Joe Young. And looking at the giant creature’s silhouette (is that a French word? Sure the heck seems like it is), it probably eats about 100 pounds of food per meal. At first glance I thought it was a hippo. But when was the last time you saw a hippo on a leash? That’s like putting a turtleneck sweater on a  giraffe.

The Monster Project

THE MONSTER PROJECT (2017)
“A recovering drug addict takes a job with a documentary crew who plans to interview three subjects who claim to be real life monsters.”

Sounds cool. Although what kind of monsters are they? Day vampires? Half moon werewolves? Republicans? Noisy neighbors who won’t quit making noise no matter how much I pound on the ceiling?

A Closer Walk With Thee

A CLOSER WALK WITH THEE (2017)
“Four young evangelical missionaries set up a house church in inner-city Los Angeles to try and save the neighborhood from a Satanist gang. Jordan is a good Christian kid, except that he’s starting to have impure sexual thoughts about his close friend and fellow missionary Eli. When he’s caught watching Eli shower, he is outed to the group and painfully ostracized – until Eli, who happens to be a fledgling exorcist, suggests that a demonic possession might be causing these Jordan’s feelings. Jordan begins to enact signs of possession, prompting Eli to take action. What begins as a ritualistic method of trying to save their friendship quickly spirals out of control and descends into darkness and violence.”

Only a religious nutbag would think homosexuality is a sign of demonic possession. The irony here is that the “fledgling exorcist” is probably gay himself. Gay people don’t need to be exorcised, but religious freaks do.

Summer of '84

SUMMER OF ‘84 (2017/2018)
“Growing up on a quiet cul-de-sac in Ipswich, Massachusetts, Davey’s desperate to believe there’s more to life than what he sees from his bedroom window. But Davey thirsts for more. As their investigation heats up, Davey and his best buds soon discover Mr. Mackey is onto them and their suspicions quickly become all too real.”

The pre-production artwork reveals that there’s a serial killer living in the neighborhood. I bet he doesn’t mow his lawn, but rather hacks it. Heh. For a superior and hard-to-watch serial killer in the neighborhood movie, watch The Lovely Bones (2009). You’ll probably need counseling afterward. Or a hug.

Be Witched

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Salem

The rich tapestry of witches seems to have taken root these days, fueled possibly by the success of the TV series Salem (2014), an annoyingly hard-to-follow depiction of fevered witch paranoia life in stinky Massachusetts in the late 1600s. (If your neighbor thought you to be in league with Big D, you were proved it merely by hearsay in a court of law and burned alive in the public square, the colonial version of a tailgate party.

The Lords of Salem

Rock dude/horror filmmaker Rob Zombie even tried his hand at some lovin’ from the coven in 2013 with the The Lords of Salem. (I’m generally a fan of Zombie’s music and film work, but that thing is outright laughable and does great disservice to our witchy women.)

The Last Witch Hunter

Regardless, the market fire burns hot for Wiccans and their vibrant community. Vin Diesel (Riddick himself!) is set to release The Last Witch Hunter (2015), followed by The Witch (2016), a period horror piece that promises some wicked wickedness.

The Witch

Here’s what The Witch is conjuring (heh): “Evil takes many forms in this vintage horror thriller set in New England in the 1600s about a family and their suddenly missing children.”

The Witch

Okay, not a lot to go on. But the trailer is a tasty appetizer. And early reviews gush that The Witch “blends The Crucible, The Shining and The Exorcist in a frightening New England folktale.”

Wiccapedia: A Modern Day White Witch's Guide

You can find more information about witches in Wiccapedia: A Modern-Day White Witch’s Guide (2011), written by “spiritual life coaches” and celebrity witches Shawn Robbins and Leanna Greenaway. If those aren’t kick ass credentials, then you’re likely a non-believer. I fear for your very soul.

Witching & Bitching

P.S. For a really fun/funny/f’d up witch movie, check out Spain-made Witching & Bitching (2013). The first 15 minutes alone will put a spell on you (heh).

Heaving Horror Hostess

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Elvira’s aunt Morgana, a witch, passed away and left the creepy mansion to the iconically top heavy horror movie hostess. Good thing the house has a double-wide garage. Ahem.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

The mansion is in Falwell, Massachusetts, the most right-wing, religiously conservative small town in America, and home to witch burnings back before they had cable TV to entertain them.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Elvira’s great-uncle Vincent wants Morgana’s old recipe book hidden shelf deep in the house that’s actually loaded with witchcraft spells. He does this because he wants to change into a demon. Why? Dunno. Elvira just wants to sell the house so she can fund her own Vegas show and twirl tassels around with her double-wide talents.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

Elvira’s wise-cracking and uninhibited fashion sense clash with all of the above. Slapstick gags, non-stop one-liners (“Grab a tool and start bangin’!”), and endless boob shots/jokes. I never tire of either as it turns out. That said, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988) bears double-wide viewing.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark