Archive for Seattle

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Kaijus, Bigfoot and Future Cephalopods

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Colossal

The butt-numbing cold and saturating winter rain of 2017 in Seattle has been conducive to staying indoors and watching horror movies. You could couch out to other types of movies, but horror/sci-fi seems to vibe with the doom and gloom outside. While there are no sharknadoes or lavalantulas shooting out of our local volcanoes (we have several), just the thought of going outside and getting my hair messed up by the wind and/or rain goons me out. Call me indoor face. I’ll come out of my burrow when the sun arrives, which is usually around July.

Here’s some upcoming bad weather movies to watch indoors…

Colossal

COLOSSAL (April, 2017)
“A woman moves back home after losing her job and being dumped by her boyfriend. Her life takes a sudden turn when a giant kaiju-like creature appears in South Korea and she begins to suspect she may be connected to it.”

The trailer makes this one look like a comedy. Giant monsters are not funny, dang it. Unless its the Giant Claw, who looks like a puppet made by someone on drugs. The hook for Colossal is that whatever the main chick (Anne Hathaway) does, the monster mimics it. Let’s hope she doesn’t start doing kegels.

Attack of the Cyber Ocotpuses

ATTACK OF THE CYBER OCTOPUSES (Kickstarter/in-progress)
Neo-Berlin, 2079. A dark, rain-soaked city held by mega corporations where the only enjoyment in life is connecting to cyberspace and taking ‘Binary Trip,’ a cyber drug that fries your neurons but promises a feeling better than a hundred orgasms at once. In this setting, a team of crack cyberspace detectives are investigating a new menace: an army of cyber octopuses that are terrorizing the city.”

This one’s trying to crowd-fund its way into your hearts and homes as of this posting. Checking under the couch cushions for spare bitcoins. I’d donate real money, but I live in Seattle, which is built around the super wet Elliott Bay, which is teeming with our own octopuses. They’re quite friendly. Just be careful when petting them; They might act all buddy-buddy and squishy, but while they’re hugging you, one of their spare arms always goes for the wallet.

Laundry Man

LAUNDRY MAN (Available now/Amazon Prime/VOD)
Laundry Man is the story about a clumsy serial killer. It is partly based on the crimes committed by American serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer and those committed by the Belgian-Hungarian pastor, Andras Pandy.”

Watched the trailer — more splatter on the platter. The main chick appears to not be wearing a bra. As such, you’ll need permission from your parent(s) or legal guardian(s) to watch this. Wonder where they got the idea for their ad art? Seems vaguely familiar…

Carrie

Primal Rage: The Legend of Oh-Mah

PRIMAL RAGE: THE LEGEND OF OH-MAH (post-production/2017)
“A newly reunited young couple’s drive through the Pacific Northwest turns into a nightmare as they are forced to face nature, unsavory locals, and a monstrous creature known to the Native Americans as Oh-Mah.”

I live in the Pacific Northwest. How dare you call we locals unsavory? We’re loaded with savor. As for the monstrous creature Oh-Mah, never heard of him/her/it. Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Wood Ape/Harry Henderson, of course. But this other pretender to the throne should do what we tell tourists to do — buy our locally made goods and then get the truck outta here. A little rough? Nope. For us it’s quite savory.

Map of Monsters

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsters in America

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

Monsters in America

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

Monsters in America

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

UFO

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

Monsters in America

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

Monsters in America

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

Screaming Insects & Oatmeal

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shredder Orpheus

Hell has its own television network – and (gasp!) they need new prime time talent. Unfortunately, the Boys from Down Under have recruited a newly-wedded rock star’s bride for the position. (Dang, he didn’t even have sufficient time to feel her up).

Shredder Orpheus

The saddened hubby, a post-apocalyptic skater Goth punk who wears a headband, grabs his electric lyre (or “pocket harp”), hops a skateboard and goofy foots his way through the Netherworld in search of his kidnapped Goth biscuit. He eventually finds her, but she doesn’t want him anymore because she’s damned for all eternity (the measurement of time, not the over-priced perfume of the same name).

Shredder OrpheusAnd what does he get for all his efforts? A chainsaw to the neck. But not before he blurts out the winning line: “I’ve dedicated my life to the sounds of metal insects screaming in a wall of oatmeal.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt that same way.

Shredder Orpheus

Shredder Orpheus (1989), a pre-grunge twist on the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, was made and filmed in Seattle, were I’ve staked my claim since way before this obscure ditty came out. I wasn’t asked to be in it. Now everybody who was are can’t-walk-down-the-street famous, whereas I, to date, am not.

Found Foot-age

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot photo

A stunning photo of a hiker was captured on camera by Bigfoot, sending the Internet reeling. Taken in the Olympic National Forest in Washington State just 113 miles west of Seattle, this is the first time anyone has managed to get solid photographic evidence of the woods walker.

“I was down by the river,” says a visibly shaken Bigfoot. “I was taking care of my usual morning business – I eat a LOT of fiber – and heard noise on the trail behind me. I looked up and there he was – a hiker! I pulled out my cellphone and managed to snap a pic.

“It turned and looked right at me,” he continues. “I guess this gooned out both of us as he ran off, and I and jammed outta there pretty fast, too. He had a real off-putting odor – his clothes smelled like Bounce™.’

Bigfoot photo

Bigfoot came back the next morning and was able to get a picture of the hiker’s foot print, offering even more conclusive evidence. “Near as I could tell, he was wearing a size 10 North Face Chilkat Tech Boot,” says Bigfoot.

Despite the startling evidence, the scientific community remains skeptical, claiming that there simply aren’t enough 7-Eleven™ stores close enough by to provide a sustainable food source. But Bigfoot remains adamant. “I know what I saw,” he insists. “For years I heard the stories of hikers being seen all throughout the woods. Now I have proof.”

Bigfoot photo

Sister Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ayla

Gotta hand it to some of these indie filmmakers who seek crowdfunding to get their movies made, especially when they come to market with amazing up front sales art. It’s like going to a job interview wearing your finest church clothes. (Note to HR at 7-Eleven™ – the butter stain on my church tee-shirt has been there for a while now. But the rest of my ensemble should not cast doubts on my hireability.)

Anyway, such is the example of the initial ad materials for Ayla, an in-production horror drama. Here is what’s behind the behind on the movie art: “A man haunted by the mysterious death of his young sister brings her back to life 30 years later as an adult woman, with dire consequences. Her name is Ayla, but they used to call her “A.”

And they used to call me “A-hole.” Heh.

Regardless, this one has all the appeal of a butter-stained shirt. And I mean that as a good thing. FYI: Their Kickstarter™ page begins June 9, 2015 and is filming in the Seattle area, where I wander. Note to the filmmakers: I’m available to hang out and party with the cast and crew.)

Post-Apocalyptic Punks

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , on June 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Caveman

The title Teenage Caveman (2002) gives you no indication of the rampant nudity, drug use, boozin’ and intestinal splattin’ inside. It’s a post-apocalyptic orgy with many boobs – naked ones, too.

Teenage Caveman

Thrown out of his cave condo for killing the tribal leader (his dad), a teenager and his posse head out into the war-destroyed world where they eventually come across Seattle and see the town in ruins. Note: This is too weird, but from their vantage point overlooking the city is exactly where I live. I would like to emphatically state that I do NOT want a caveman – or cave anthing – running around my back yard.

Teenage Caveman

That firmly declared, a nuclear-looking special effects storm cloud sweeps over the teens and they’re rescued by some future teens all hooped up on goofers. They take ’em back to their apartment and teach them how to drink, do drugs and experience sex for the first time. Problem is, once you do it with the future guy, your body goes into convulsions and you split open like a sun-ripened melon.

Teenage Caveman

The only time anyone goes caveman is when the drugs take hold and the face gets all distorted as if giving breach birth to an oversized stool. That doesn’t goon me out. Them running around my town in the future does. P.S. This movie should not be confused with the other Teenage Caveman movie, which came out in 1958. They didn’t show bare boobs in that one. Apparently, they hadn’t evolved far enough yet.