Archive for Santa Claus

Worms, Slasher Santa, Whispering Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

If you watched the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead last November, you got to see YET ANOTHER main character die, and were introduced to The Whisperers, YET ANOTHER group of enemies of the still-living. No spoilers, but hot dang, that last scene was right up there with some of TWD’s best “holy sh*t!” moments.

The Walking Dead

Here’s an excerpt from the press release that tells us what’s in store when the show resumes on Sunday, February 10, 2019 on AMC

“The group’s rules and ways of survival no longer guarantee their safety. A whole new threat has crossed their paths, and they soon discover it’s unlike any threat they have encountered or endured before. The group will start to question what they think they see. What may appear to be normal in this post-apocalyptic world could actually be more disturbing and terrifying than when the apocalypse first broke out. All that is certain is the stakes are high and numerous.”

The Walking Dead

A bit generic, but if you’ve read the graphic novels, you kinda already know what holy sh*t is coming down the pipe. Until then, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the holy sh*t outta you…

Mojin: The Worm Valley

MOJIN: THE WORM VALLEY (January 4, 2019)
“Following in the footsteps of blockbuster Mojin: The Lost Legend and based on the bestselling novel series, Mojin: The Worm Valley once again finds legendary tomb explorer Hu Bayi on a dangerous mission as he seeks out the Tomb of Emperor Xian, located on an island of monstrous creatures in this mystical action-adventure.”

A valley of worms and an island of monstrous creatures? Spring break!

Dial Code Santa Claus

DIAL CODE SANTA CLAUS (now showing)
Thomas, a resourceful child, is left alone with his fragile grandfather on Christmas Eve. When a killer dressed as Santa Claus breaks into their home, Thomas does whatever it takes to defend his home and grandfather.”

This originally came out back in 1989 in its native country of France, or a place that sounds like France. It made its way here over the border wall as a bootlegged VHS. But now Dial Code Santa Claus getting a proper release and is making the film house circuit as we e-speak. Hopefully, it’ll be available on DVD — but France is gonna have to pay for it.

Doom Room

DOOM ROOM (January 15, 2019)
“A woman wakes up locked in a small room with no memory of how she arrived there. Unable to escape, and tormented by a series of paranormal entities, she must uncover the riddle of who she is and how she got here.”

YET ANOTHER spin on the Cube/Saw scenario. It also describes the night after drinking in The Tug Tavern.

The Hole In The Ground

THE HOLE IN THE GROUND (2019)
“Trying to escape her broken past, Sarah O’Neill is building a new life on the fringes of a backwood rural town with her young son, Chris. A terrifying encounter with a mysterious neighbor shatters her fragile security, throwing Sarah into a spiraling nightmare of paranoia and mistrust, as she tries to uncover if the disturbing changes in her little boy are connected to an ominous sinkhole buried deep in the forest that borders their home.”

I bet Thomas Crapper, the guy who invented the toilet, was inspired by sinkholes. He should’ve called it the “Stinkhole,” though. Heh.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

Kraken

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

Godzilla Coloring Book

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

Christmas Blood

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

Attraction

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

Johnny Z

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

The Vanishing

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

Scream Queen Christmas

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Santa Claws

Spoofing her own career as a scream queen, the luscious Debbie Rochon plays Raven Quinn, a B-movie starlet who attracts the unwanted attentions of her mentally-unhinged neighbor.

Santa Claws

He has a shrine to her in his apartment, and the fact that she takes off her clothes for a living is making him mad (which attracted him to her in the first place, the nut bag). Dressing up as Santa Claus, the killer dispatches those who are naughty and not nice with a plastic garden claw. Ouchy.

Santa Claws

While all of this is happening, Debbie’s movie husband is doing it with one of her co-stars. Talk about double dipping.

Santa Claws

Santa Claws came out a while back (1996), but it’s been re-released with a bunch of cut scenes and a bloopers reel at the end. Debbie is marvelous and quite liberal with her morals, the killings are of the G-rated variety, and the abundant boobage make many appearances. The only thing missing is a crack-driven Rudolph goring people with his seasonal antlers of doom.

Debbie Rochon

Horror Magazines, Holiday Demons, Hellish Drugs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fangoria

Was talking to a horror movie friend of mine in a bar (or as I like to call it, spin class), and ruminating over the demise of the globally prominent Fangoria horror movie magazine, which started in 1979 and ended abruptly went down the porcelain library a few years ago. They did, however, keep the website going. Meh.

Imagine me doing a faceplant as it was just announced Fangoria, under new ownership, will fire up the printers once again. What are the odds?

Fangoria

From the press release…

Cinestate, the Texas-based entertainment company, has acquired all the assets and trademarks of the Fangoria brand, which includes the magazine. Also, Tony Timpone and Michael Gingold are set to return with their columns as well as consult the company going forward. Thanks to a new investment, a new Editor-in-Chief, and a new Publisher, the world’s highest-profile horror movie magazine is reemerging as a collectible quarterly with the first issue set to drop this fall in time for Halloween (2018)”.

Fangoria

It should be somehow noted that on December 5, 2007, a warehouse in Oregon, Illinois, which contained all back issues of Fangoria and Starlog magazines, was fired by fire. It’s common knowledge that back issues of Fangoria are not re-printed. This is good news for me as I own the entire collection (except for a few of the last few issues), all (over 300) kept in plastic with cardboard backing and stored in those cool comic book boxes. I’ll start the bidding at $1,000 — and you pay for shipping. Or come over with your checkbook, a van or front-loader, and a sixer of tall boys to seal the deal.

Fangoria

Not sure how a quarterly publication schedule is gonna be relevant in today’s digital second-by-second breaking horror news atmospheric conditions, though. The news would be as old as me by the time it comes out. But hey, with legacy editors on board, put me in the game, coach.

Fangoria

So while we wait for Fangoria’s obstetrician to arrive on scene, here’s some second-by-second breaking news about upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may belong in the porcelain library…

Await Further Instructions

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS (2018)
“The Milgram family, who have gathered to celebrate Christmas, find a mysterious black substance has surrounded their house. Something monumental is clearly happening right outside their door, but what exactly? An industrial accident, a terrorist attack, nuclear war? Descending into terrified arguments, they turn on the television, desperate for any information. On screen, a message glows ominously: ‘Stay Indoors and Await Further Instructions”.

Ewww! — black stuff on your yard at Christmas? Is that the new coal for a year’s worth of suspect behavioral patterns, or was Santa eating gas station burritos again? Either way, this movie echoes 2006’s Right At Your Door, wherein toxic ash snows down upon your ash hole and guys in hazmat suits show up to seal you inside your blackend house with plastic tarp and all-purpose duct tape. (Is there anything that tape can’t do?) Hazmat suits are kinda neat.

All The Creatures Were Stirring

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)
“When an awkward date on Christmas Eve leads a couple into a strange theater, they’re treated to a bizarre and frightening collection of Christmas stories, featuring a wide ensemble of characters doing their best to avoid the horrors of the holidays. From boring office parties and last-minute shopping to vengeful stalkers and immortal demons, there’s plenty out there to fear this holiday season.”

Either a bit late or way too early in the year for holiday movies. But hey, when isn’t it a good time to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, our commander in chief?

White Chamber

WHITE CHAMBER (2018)
“The United Kingdom. Soon. Civil war rages. A woman wakes up in a blindingly white cuboid cell. Using its sophisticated functionality, her captor tortures her for information she claims not to have — or does she?”

Sounds a bit like Cube (1997), except those “rooms” weren’t white. In fact, they looked like they were painted in nice metal-flavored hues. Instead of windows, though, each room in this gigantic Rubik’s Cube™was a trap so deadly, you could end up deadly dead. Hope that doesn’t happen to the nice woman in the blindingly white cuboid cell. I vote we give her sunglasses and a couple of magazines.

Discarnate

DISCARNATE (2018/2019)
“A neuroscientist’s obsession with a drug that expands the human mind inadvertently unleashes a deadly supernatural force on his team.”

Gotta say —nifty movie poster. The monster looks like some sort of evil Christmas tree on which to hang tinsel and/or fully anatomically detailed gingerbread men/women cookies. As for the drug that expands the human mind, look no further than the pleasingly arranged coolers at 7-Eleven™. More so if the store clerk is wearing a lab coat.

The UFO That Wasn’t There

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , on February 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO: Target Earth

Color me clueless, but shouldn’t a movie about UFOs actually have a UFO in it? In the saucer-less UFO: Target Earth (1974), an electronics expert has been receiving signals from what he believes to be a UFO in a nearby lake. It’s a UFO, all right — Unidentified Floating Object. Heh.

UFO: Target Earth

Consulting with a University professor who tells him UFOs are as valid as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (what a holiday blocker), the electro-dude nevertheless pursues the alien spacecraft. He didn’t find it because THERE WASN’T ONE in the whole movie.

UFO: Target Earth

I don’t know who feels more stupid, him or me.

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Flying Saucer Pizza

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

Flying Saucer Pizza

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

Swamp Terror

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

Basement: The Terror Below

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Doomsday

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

Sinkhole 2

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

Social Media Demons, Slashing Santas, Shower Power

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ash Vs. Evil Dead

New teaser art for the upcoming season three of Ash vs. Evil Dead, one of the fun/funniest/goriest shows on the ‘ol  Magnavox™. The 10-episode season launches on Sunday, February 25, 2018 at 9PM ET/PT on Starz™. Sunday’s are usually my night to stay in and wash my hair. But I can out it off for a week to see Ash buzz through demons with his chainsaw arm.

Ash Vs. Evil Dead

From the press release: “Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 finds Ash’s status in Elk Grove, Michigan has changed from murderous urban legend to humanity-saving hometown hero. When Kelly witnesses a televised massacre with Ruby’s fingerprints all over it, she returns with a new friend to warn Ash and Pablo that evil isn’t done with them yet. Blood is thicker than water in the battle of good vs Evil Dead!”

While we impatiently wait five more months, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not lube your chainsaw, metaphorical or otherwise…

BnB Hell

BnB HELL (available now)
“A young woman’s hunt for her missing sister ends at a rundown bed and breakfast in the Hollywood Hills run by an ill-tempered woman called Mommy. Disturbing messages left by former guests suggest unsettling secrets lay buried there.”

Was only a matter of time before the BnB craze became the framework for horror. Already done using the Uber™/Lyft™ model with Ryde (2017): “Technology brings us closer. Or perhaps it brings strangers a little too close. But how much can you really trust someone? With a new ride share service, you never know who you’ll be getting in a car with. Or if you’ll ever get out.” Not a good way to get tips or a clickable star rating. Still, better than the city bus and/or taxis.

Devil's Night

DEVIL’S NIGHT (available now/VOD)
“Daniel, a charismatic teen from a broken home, wants nothing more than to get out of the trailer park. After scraping together just enough money to buy a video camera, he begins making YouTube™ videos in the hope that his antics will lead him to a better life. But when his videos fail to catch on and all his friends leave for college, Daniel’s left all alone. Undeterred, he discovers an old documentary about a serial killer who brutally murdered seven people in a satanic sacrifice not too far from his hometown. Thinking this might be his last chance for success, he decides to film a video in the killer’s house, only to summon an evil worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.”

Good idea — go into a killer’s house of evil with a camera. There’s a reason demons don’t take selfies. And since when are dumbass antics broadcast on social media a career path? Teens be dumb.

78/52

78/52 (October 13, 207)
“An unprecedented look at the iconic shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), the ‘man behind the curtain,’ and the screen murder that profoundly changed the course of world cinema.”

They’re correct — that one scene, which even has college courses dedicated to it, all but defined modern horror movies, scream queensslashers and screechy violin music. I once had a Psycho shower scene shirt — it read: “Wash all of life’s problems down the drain.” That’s not just funny, but LOL funny.

Apocalypse Cult

APOCALYPSE CULT (October, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“While investigating the legend of a mysterious group of people living in the forest, a local news crew comes across an all-too-real doomsday cult. Trapped in their grasp, the news crew must find a way to escape before they execute their final act of devotion.”

This one actually came out in Australia, home of giant bouncing rabbits, back in 2014. Don’t know why it took so long to get here in the States. Maybe the Land Down Under was dealing with their plague of kid-eating dingos and mosh pit razorbacks. That’s a  good excuse as any. Note to self: plan vacation to Australia and taunt nature after drinking multiple cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% beer.

Once Upon A Time At Christmas

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: he’s a one-eyed fiend, she’s a curvy, bat-swinging blonde. This serial killer couple is terrorizing the holidays in an upstate New York town with a series of horrific homicides. Though the victims seem random — a mall Santa, a smooching couple, an innocent family — high-schooler Jennifer and clever cop Sam begin to unravel the sinister pattern behind the slayings. Can they stop the murders before Christmas comes — and there’s no one left to celebrate?”

Diggin’ the twist: Santa and his dame are serial killers. But I have a few questions: like how many gangsta elves are in their employ? Does this mean their getaway car is a reindeer-fueled sled? Are candy canes used as stabby tools of the trade? Can’t wait for Christmas.