Frightful Finery, Ghost Women, Bigfoot Experiment

Every holiday season (i.e., YET ANOTHER excuse to get drunk in public: “Whooo — Santa! F*ck yeah! Presents! Explosions! Whooo!”) the push is on to see who can find the most most hilariously ugly Christmas sweaters. So much so, it’s become a super weird cultural phenomena. But not everyone is down with spending valuable beer notes on clothing you’d only wear a week or two (some of us more than others) out of the entire year.

A better investment alternative would be the year-round cardigan, the stylish cousin of the common pullover. While most cardigans (open fronted with buttons) scream elderly fashion, a new wave of themed designs will keep you from looking like your own grandfather. And MiddleofBeyond.com is here to give your dressing some room.

MoB’s website offers a plethora of horror/sci-fi themed gifts and clothing (sweaters, button-ups, flannel, jackets, shorts, hats), the latest — and best — being their line of affordable ($74.99 – $84.99) cardigans, featuring everything from the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Halloween, to Return of the Living Dead, The Shining and The Twilight Zone. They even have an Iron Maiden cardigan. P.S. I accept any and all gifts in the size of large, which also includes cash and/or adult beverages in bottles, cans and/or sippy cups.

While you look to tweak your wardrobe, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not look good on you…

AMITYVILLE CHRISTMAS VACATION / Out now (VOD)

“Wally has won a vacation to sunny Amityville. While there he met a woman — a GHOST woman. Can the spirit of Christmas bring these two opposites together?”

Dating a ghost woman is a no-brainer — just take her to all your favorite haunts.

AMITYVILLE BIGFOOT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amityville Chemical Company has a dark secret. One of their latest experiments broke break free and is wreaking havoc upon locals in the nearby woods. As the creature rips and shreds his way through each unsuspecting group, increasingly bizarre events mount towards one of the strangest Bigfoot encounters captured.”

A bit confused here — Bigfoot is a science experiment? What are they gonna tell us next — the Abominable Snowman was born in a Baskin-Robbins™ test tube? No wonder cryptozoology creatures hate us so much.

AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

It’s been a year since the events of the first movie, and the survivors are about to reopen the camp. However, something sinister lurks…and all is not what it seems.”

Wonder what the sinister lurking something could be? An unfavorable raccoon? A dishonest squirrel? Maybe a harmful rabbit? I’ll ask that evil scarecrow hanging out nearby. He might know.

MUTILATOR 2 / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“Buddy Cooper returned to write and direct the decades-later sequel to the slasher he made back in the 1980s.”

The original Mutilator came out in 1984 and had the best tag line: “By Sword, By Axe, By Pick, Bye-Bye.” That’s right up there with Alien’s (1979) tag: “In space no one can hear you fart.” Okay, I might have a bit of a recollection hiccup on that one.

Hellraising Kids, Corpse Condo, Krisp Kringle

You’ve already been to Hell and back (some of us more often than others), so why not show your little hellraisers how to do the same? Now you can with the Shape Shifting Hellraiser Puzzle Box — for kids! 

A sort of demonic Jack-in-the-Box™, Hellraiser’s infamous Lament Configuration is used to call on Cenobites to tear your soul (and flesh and pants) apart with extra-large fishing hooks so that you may experience the ultimate pain and pleasure. (As if last call didn’t cover both.) And it’s now available at Wal-Mart™ for a wallet-piercing $25.99.

From the marketing statement: “Marketed as a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) building toy, the Hellraiser Puzzle Box can move and change shape like in the movie. It can be an educational toy to help children build self-esteem and confidence, develop spatial awareness, train memory skills, and exercise hand-eye coordination.”

Uh…wow. So cancel culture can unilaterally ban R-rated high school books, but a demonic puzzle box to summon extra-dimensional sadomasochism Goth leather demons from another realm is okay for kids? As f’d in the b-hole as this sounds, at least your child playing with the Lament Configuration is a safer than high school.

So while you’re contemplating the ramifications of your kid being able to summon flesh fetish demons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you the ultimate pain and/or pleasure…

KRAMPUS: THE RETURN / Out now (Tubi™)

“When Lisa and her friends go looking for answers behind her brother’s mysterious death, they discover he was a victim of the infamous Christmas demon.”

Yet another “Anti-Claus” movie that does little to explore the real horror of Christmas. For instance, did you know Krampus uses candy canes as rectal thermometers on kids who’ve been bad all year? I didn’t just make that up.

THE OFFERING / Out now (VOD)

“In the wake of a young Jewish girl’s disappearance, the son of a Hasidic funeral director returns home with his pregnant wife in hopes of reconciling with his father. Little do they know that directly beneath them in the family morgue, an ancient evil lurks inside a mysterious corpse with sinister plans for the unborn child.”

I suppose if I were an ancient evil (then again, I may already be), I’d totally hide out in a mysterious corpse. Seems like it’d be cozy, if not a bit sticky and freshness-expired. Don’t think I’d have sinister plans outside of discharging a couple of well-timed formaldehyde farts during funerals. That would be super fun.

NO DEJES DE GRABAR 2 / Out now (VOD)

Jonathan, a businessman who lives in Paris, decides to go to Barcelona to investigate the crimes that happened eight years ago. Along the way, he meets a mysterious man who tells him that he, too, is looking for clues. Jonathan finds himself at a crossroads full of mysteries, paranormal events and terrible situations, but nothing will stop him until he finds out the truth of what is happening in that building, now abandoned.”

The movie’s Spanish title translates to Do Not Stop Recording. Can’t tell you how many heavy metal vomit parties I attended where, after assisting with the draining of sacrificial kegs, how those exact words keep coming back to haunt me.

SHADOWS / November 15, 2022 (VOD)

“Alma and Alex, two teenage sisters, are survivors of a catastrophic event. They live deep in the woods with their mother, a strict, overprotective woman who has sheltered them from ominous presences, the Shadows, which live in the daylight and infest the world beyond the river. When they follow mother out for hunting, Alma and Alex start a series of events which will make them discover the truth about the Shadows and their own reality.”

I’ll take the Shadows over a strict mom any day. The Shadows won’t make me clean my room, finish my vegetables and do my homework. Not that I ever did what I was told, mind you. In your face, responsible parenting.

Worms, Slasher Santa, Whispering Dead

If you watched the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead last November, you got to see YET ANOTHER main character die, and were introduced to The Whisperers, YET ANOTHER group of enemies of the still-living. No spoilers, but hot dang, that last scene was right up there with some of TWD’s best “holy sh*t!” moments.

Here’s an excerpt from the press release that tells us what’s in store when the show resumes on Sunday, February 10, 2019 on AMC…

“The group’s rules and ways of survival no longer guarantee their safety. A whole new threat has crossed their paths, and they soon discover it’s unlike any threat they have encountered or endured before. The group will start to question what they think they see. What may appear to be normal in this post-apocalyptic world could actually be more disturbing and terrifying than when the apocalypse first broke out. All that is certain is the stakes are high and numerous.”

A bit generic, but if you’ve read the graphic novels, you kinda already know what holy sh*t is coming down the pipe. Until then, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the holy sh*t outta you…

MOJIN: THE WORM VALLEY (January 4, 2019)
“Following in the footsteps of blockbuster Mojin: The Lost Legend and based on the bestselling novel series, Mojin: The Worm Valley once again finds legendary tomb explorer Hu Bayi on a dangerous mission as he seeks out the Tomb of Emperor Xian, located on an island of monstrous creatures in this mystical action-adventure.”

A valley of worms and an island of monstrous creatures? Spring break!

DIAL CODE SANTA CLAUS (now showing)
“Thomas, a resourceful child, is left alone with his fragile grandfather on Christmas Eve. When a killer dressed as Santa Claus breaks into their home, Thomas does whatever it takes to defend his home and grandfather.”

This originally came out back in 1989 in its native country of France, or a place that sounds like France. It made its way here over the border wall as a bootlegged VHS. But now Dial Code Santa Claus getting a proper release and is making the film house circuit as we e-speak. Hopefully, it’ll be available on DVD — but France is gonna have to pay for it.

DOOM ROOM (January 15, 2019)
“A woman wakes up locked in a small room with no memory of how she arrived there. Unable to escape, and tormented by a series of paranormal entities, she must uncover the riddle of who she is and how she got here.”

YET ANOTHER spin on the Cube/Saw scenario. It also describes the night after drinking in The Tug Tavern.

THE HOLE IN THE GROUND (2019)
“Trying to escape her broken past, Sarah O’Neill is building a new life on the fringes of a backwood rural town with her young son, Chris. A terrifying encounter with a mysterious neighbor shatters her fragile security, throwing Sarah into a spiraling nightmare of paranoia and mistrust, as she tries to uncover if the disturbing changes in her little boy are connected to an ominous sinkhole buried deep in the forest that borders their home.”

I bet Thomas Crapper, the guy who invented the toilet, was inspired by sinkholes. He should’ve called it the “Stinkhole,” though. Heh.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
“Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
“Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

Scream Queen Christmas

Spoofing her own career as a scream queen, the luscious Debbie Rochon plays Raven Quinn, a B-movie starlet who attracts the unwanted attentions of her mentally-unhinged neighbor.

He has a shrine to her in his apartment, and the fact that she takes off her clothes for a living is making him mad (which attracted him to her in the first place, the nut bag). Dressing up as Santa Claus, the killer dispatches those who are naughty and not nice with a plastic garden claw. Ouchy.

While all of this is happening, Debbie’s movie husband is doing it with one of her co-stars. Talk about double dipping.

Santa Claws came out a while back (1996), but it’s been re-released with a bunch of cut scenes and a bloopers reel at the end. Debbie is marvelous and quite liberal with her morals, the killings are of the G-rated variety, and the abundant boobage make many appearances. The only thing missing is a crack-driven Rudolph goring people with his seasonal antlers of doom.

Horror Magazines, Holiday Demons, Hellish Drugs

Was talking to a horror movie friend of mine in a bar (or as I like to call it, spin class), and ruminating over the demise of the globally prominent Fangoria horror movie magazine, which started in 1979 and ended abruptly went down the porcelain library a few years ago. They did, however, keep the website going. Meh.

Imagine me doing a faceplant as it was just announced Fangoria, under new ownership, will fire up the printers once again. What are the odds?

From the press release…

“Cinestate, the Texas-based entertainment company, has acquired all the assets and trademarks of the Fangoria brand, which includes the magazine. Also, Tony Timpone and Michael Gingold are set to return with their columns as well as consult the company going forward. Thanks to a new investment, a new Editor-in-Chief, and a new Publisher, the world’s highest-profile horror movie magazine is reemerging as a collectible quarterly with the first issue set to drop this fall in time for Halloween (2018)”.

It should be somehow noted that on December 5, 2007, a warehouse in Oregon, Illinois, which contained all back issues of Fangoria and Starlog magazines, was fired by fire. It’s common knowledge that back issues of Fangoria are not re-printed. This is good news for me as I own the entire collection (except for a few of the last few issues), all (over 300) kept in plastic with cardboard backing and stored in those cool comic book boxes. I’ll start the bidding at $1,000 — and you pay for shipping. Or come over with your checkbook, a van or front-loader, and a sixer of tall boys to seal the deal.

Not sure how a quarterly publication schedule is gonna be relevant in today’s digital second-by-second breaking horror news atmospheric conditions, though. The news would be as old as me by the time it comes out. But hey, with legacy editors on board, put me in the game, coach.

So while we wait for Fangoria’s obstetrician to arrive on scene, here’s some second-by-second breaking news about upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may belong in the porcelain library…

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS (2018)
“The Milgram family, who have gathered to celebrate Christmas, find a mysterious black substance has surrounded their house. Something monumental is clearly happening right outside their door, but what exactly? An industrial accident, a terrorist attack, nuclear war? Descending into terrified arguments, they turn on the television, desperate for any information. On screen, a message glows ominously: ‘Stay Indoors and Await Further Instructions”.

Ewww! — black stuff on your yard at Christmas? Is that the new coal for a year’s worth of suspect behavioral patterns, or was Santa eating gas station burritos again? Either way, this movie echoes 2006’s Right At Your Door, wherein toxic ash snows down upon your ash hole and guys in hazmat suits show up to seal you inside your blackend house with plastic tarp and all-purpose duct tape. (Is there anything that tape can’t do?) Hazmat suits are kinda neat.

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)
“When an awkward date on Christmas Eve leads a couple into a strange theater, they’re treated to a bizarre and frightening collection of Christmas stories, featuring a wide ensemble of characters doing their best to avoid the horrors of the holidays. From boring office parties and last-minute shopping to vengeful stalkers and immortal demons, there’s plenty out there to fear this holiday season.”

Either a bit late or way too early in the year for holiday movies. But hey, when isn’t it a good time to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, our commander in chief?

WHITE CHAMBER (2018)
“The United Kingdom. Soon. Civil war rages. A woman wakes up in a blindingly white cuboid cell. Using its sophisticated functionality, her captor tortures her for information she claims not to have — or does she?”

Sounds a bit like Cube (1997), except those “rooms” weren’t white. In fact, they looked like they were painted in nice metal-flavored hues. Instead of windows, though, each room in this gigantic Rubik’s Cube™was a trap so deadly, you could end up deadly dead. Hope that doesn’t happen to the nice woman in the blindingly white cuboid cell. I vote we give her sunglasses and a couple of magazines.

DISCARNATE (2018/2019)
“A neuroscientist’s obsession with a drug that expands the human mind inadvertently unleashes a deadly supernatural force on his team.”

Gotta say —nifty movie poster. The monster looks like some sort of evil Christmas tree on which to hang tinsel and/or fully anatomically detailed gingerbread men/women cookies. As for the drug that expands the human mind, look no further than the pleasingly arranged coolers at 7-Eleven™. More so if the store clerk is wearing a lab coat.

The UFO That Wasn’t There

Color me clueless, but shouldn’t a movie about UFOs actually have a UFO in it? In the saucer-less UFO: Target Earth (1974), an electronics expert has been receiving signals from what he believes to be a UFO in a nearby lake. It’s a UFO, all right — Unidentified Floating Object. Heh.

Consulting with a University professor who tells him UFOs are as valid as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (what a holiday blocker), the electro-dude nevertheless pursues the alien spacecraft. He didn’t find it because THERE WASN’T ONE in the whole movie.

I don’t know who feels more stupid, him or me.

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
“Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

Social Media Demons, Slashing Santas, Shower Power

New teaser art for the upcoming season three of Ash vs. Evil Dead, one of the fun/funniest/goriest shows on the ‘ol  Magnavox™. The 10-episode season launches on Sunday, February 25, 2018 at 9PM ET/PT on Starz™. Sunday’s are usually my night to stay in and wash my hair. But I can out it off for a week to see Ash buzz through demons with his chainsaw arm.

From the press release: “Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 finds Ash’s status in Elk Grove, Michigan has changed from murderous urban legend to humanity-saving hometown hero. When Kelly witnesses a televised massacre with Ruby’s fingerprints all over it, she returns with a new friend to warn Ash and Pablo that evil isn’t done with them yet. Blood is thicker than water in the battle of good vs Evil Dead!”

While we impatiently wait five more months, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not lube your chainsaw, metaphorical or otherwise…

BnB HELL (available now)
“A young woman’s hunt for her missing sister ends at a rundown bed and breakfast in the Hollywood Hills run by an ill-tempered woman called Mommy. Disturbing messages left by former guests suggest unsettling secrets lay buried there.”

Was only a matter of time before the BnB craze became the framework for horror. Already done using the Uber™/Lyft™ model with Ryde (2017): “Technology brings us closer. Or perhaps it brings strangers a little too close. But how much can you really trust someone? With a new ride share service, you never know who you’ll be getting in a car with. Or if you’ll ever get out.” Not a good way to get tips or a clickable star rating. Still, better than the city bus and/or taxis.

DEVIL’S NIGHT (available now/VOD)
“Daniel, a charismatic teen from a broken home, wants nothing more than to get out of the trailer park. After scraping together just enough money to buy a video camera, he begins making YouTube™ videos in the hope that his antics will lead him to a better life. But when his videos fail to catch on and all his friends leave for college, Daniel’s left all alone. Undeterred, he discovers an old documentary about a serial killer who brutally murdered seven people in a satanic sacrifice not too far from his hometown. Thinking this might be his last chance for success, he decides to film a video in the killer’s house, only to summon an evil worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.”

Good idea — go into a killer’s house of evil with a camera. There’s a reason demons don’t take selfies. And since when are dumbass antics broadcast on social media a career path? Teens be dumb.

78/52 (October 13, 207)
“An unprecedented look at the iconic shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), the ‘man behind the curtain,’ and the screen murder that profoundly changed the course of world cinema.”

They’re correct — that one scene, which even has college courses dedicated to it, all but defined modern horror movies, scream queens, slashers and screechy violin music. I once had a Psycho shower scene shirt — it read: “Wash all of life’s problems down the drain.” That’s not just funny, but LOL funny.

APOCALYPSE CULT (October, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“While investigating the legend of a mysterious group of people living in the forest, a local news crew comes across an all-too-real doomsday cult. Trapped in their grasp, the news crew must find a way to escape before they execute their final act of devotion.”

This one actually came out in Australia, home of giant bouncing rabbits, back in 2014. Don’t know why it took so long to get here in the States. Maybe the Land Down Under was dealing with their plague of kid-eating dingos and mosh pit razorbacks. That’s a  good excuse as any. Note to self: plan vacation to Australia and taunt nature after drinking multiple cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% beer.

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: he’s a one-eyed fiend, she’s a curvy, bat-swinging blonde. This serial killer couple is terrorizing the holidays in an upstate New York town with a series of horrific homicides. Though the victims seem random — a mall Santa, a smooching couple, an innocent family — high-schooler Jennifer and clever cop Sam begin to unravel the sinister pattern behind the slayings. Can they stop the murders before Christmas comes — and there’s no one left to celebrate?”

Diggin’ the twist: Santa and his dame are serial killers. But I have a few questions: like how many gangsta elves are in their employ? Does this mean their getaway car is a reindeer-fueled sled? Are candy canes used as stabby tools of the trade? Can’t wait for Christmas.

Super Cars, Rocket Scientists, Evil Elves

More key art designs for the upcoming Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), this time side profile mug shots of everybody except Superman. I guess they don’t want to give away the fact that Super Dude is coming back from the dead for this one. (He died at the end of 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice after tripping on his cape and falling in front of a more powerful locomotive. Tragic.)

As expected, the first wave of cross merchandising in advance of the highly anticipated Justice League movie starring Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg rolls in with action figures and, quite neato, Hot Wheels™ character die-cast cars. (Crossing fingers for Justice League tissue holders.)

While the first series of Justice League cars came out in 2012 for $20.00, the new JL Hot Wheels™ cars (releasing November 1, 2017) are the same price, but are cooler. For instance, the Batman car uses echo location instead of GPS. The Superman car is immune to fender benders. The Aquaman car runs on clam nectar. The Flash car comes with its own speeding tickets. The Cyborg car’s real name is KITT (If you’re old enough, you’ll get that joke.) And if you try and look under the hood of the Wonder Woman car, you get a slap on the face.

While we wait for these affordable choking hazards, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies and documentaries that don’t even have their logos on lunch boxes…

CHASING FLYING SAUCERS — THE STANTON FRIEDMAN STORY (available now)
“Are flying saucers real? For the past 40 years, Stanton Friedman has been the world’s foremost investigator and lecturer on the UFO phenomenon. He is credited with breaking the famous Roswell UFO case and is a leading expert on the procurement of government UFO documents. This is his story.”

Stanton Friedman’s been my go-to UFO guy for years. For one thing, he’s a former rocket scientist (but makes more bling on the fringe speaking circuit). Secondly, the guy seriously does his research and comes to the table with a stacked deck of facts, the first being that UFOs are real and that we’ve been Air BnB’d by extraterrestrials. Friedman should know; he’s the guy who pulled the pants down on that whole Roswell conspiracy. This isn’t a movie, but anyone wanting to make a UFO flick should watch this. And those who already have made UFO movies, watch Chasing Flying Saucers and go back and re-do everything from scratch.

BEYOND THE TREK (available now)
“A deep space mining vessel has been adrift for two years. It is suspected the crew brutally killed each other, but the reason for the bloodbath is unknown. A rescue crew is sent to find if there are any survivors, what happened and why, but what they discover might make them destroy themselves and the world.”

A Wal-Mart™ version of Star Trek Beyond (2016). So much so, they even patterned their characters after our favorite team of galaxy exploring/laser shooting pioneers — Space Bonanza.

BUCKOUT ROAD (October 7, 2017/International Black Film Festival)
“Buckout Road might be known as the most haunted road in New York State, but nobody really believed it…until now. A college class project on modern mythology turns deadly when a trio of students discovers a series of horrific urban legends surrounding Buckout Road may actually be true. The deeper they dig into the road’s dark, mysterious history, the more dangerous their quest becomes. From witches burning at the stake, to backwoods albino killers, to a modern, unstoppable stalker.”

Gotta be careful with saying this title at box socials, just like “Shiitake” mushrooms and “shih tzu” dogs. (I’m still trying to live down “coccyx”.) As for a “modern, unstoppable stalker, what does that mean — someone who relentlessly follows you around all the time? If that’s the case, then my mailman qualifies.

THE ELF (November 7, 2017 (VOD)/December 5, 2017 (DVD)
“Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, Nick discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family’s names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas holidays by whoever set it free.”

Christmas horror certainly isn’t in short supply this season, what with Better Watch Out and Red Christmas leading the charge. Last year was pretty good, too, as Krampus (the anti-Santa) was unwrapping skin left and right. And in A Christmas Horror Story (2015), the elves were zombies. I deem that cool. Thought this might be the year of rabid reindeer, but I’ll just have to put that one on my Christmas list for next year.