Godzilla Burns For You, Ghost Maid, Wood God

Tripped across an unboxing of Spiral Studios’ Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition (ST-BGS003) while looking for porn, I mean, healthy eating videos. I’ve seen a ton of porn, I mean, monster model de-boxings, but this one was so good, I had to go wash my hands afterward. Ahem. 

In the video the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Standard Edition is assembled and plugged in to mind-dissolving effect. The model measures out at 20.1 x 14.3 x 34.6 inches, is made of translucent resin, and the detailing is microscopic. Better still, the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series — Burning Godzilla Deluxe Edition (DX-BGS004), featuring Godzilla sporting Mothra’s energy wings, making the specs a staggering 41.4 x 39.8 x 37.87 inches. More awesomeness: the model sits on a stand atop an obliterated Boston.

The Standard Edition costs $1,449.99 (buy it here) and the Ultimate Masterline: Battle in Boston Series Deluxe Edition is $2,399.99 (buy it here). Heads up — both are limited to several hundred pieces, so don’t dawdle (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while we bemoan thew fact we may not have enough left in our retirement accounts (ahem), visit Spiral Studios and check out their Mothra Larva, Queen Muto, Titanus Behemoth and Godzilla Legacy figures. In the meantime, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as cool as healthy eating videos…

SLEEPING BEAUTIES / Out now (Tubi™)

“Cahya gets a job as a maid working in an isolated old mansion. Pregnant and a recent widow, she is desperate to reconnect with her husband, opening a doorway to the spirit world. And in doing so, inadvertently awakens the tormented ghosts of her current employer, the previous maids.”

An isolated mansion? A doorway to the spirit world? Tormented ghosts? A rewarding careering in maiding? Where the hell do I apply?

CREEPYPASTA / May 23, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Trapped in an abandoned house, a young man desperately searches for clues to how he got there. The answer is hidden within a series of disturbing viral videos — each of which begins to infect his mind.”

Sound more like Crappypasta.

THE ERL KING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a young woman from a strict, colonial village suddenly finds herself seduced by an ancient woodland god, she falls into a fantastical romance that quickly threatens to consume her.”

This is a remake of the 1931 movie of the same name, although back then it was titled Le roi des aulnes. That’s all French to me.

SHAKY SHIVERS / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“Two young women find themselves facing a series of supernatural occurrences after a fateful encounter with an old woman. As zombies, werewolves and Bigfoot wreak havoc, the duo must navigate a wild night, armed with an unfamiliar spell book, to restore order before their lives unravel completely.”

Zombies, werewolves AND Bigfoot? I need to call the Academy™ and get this thing nominated.

Monochrome Kaiju, Purging Priest, Aliens Hate Raves

It was a huge national debate after the movie Godzilla (aka, Gojira) premiered in 1954 — is the monster green or some sort of skid mark brown? No one could tell as Godzilla was a black and white movie. (Given Godzilla’s reptile lineage, green was the side of the street most people stood on.)

Now, with the release of Mezco Toys™ Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) Black and White Edition Figure, the argument can finally be settled — the famous monster is…DARK GREY. And Mezco Toys™ is replicating our favorite colorless monster with this figure straight out of 1954.

From EntertainmentEarth’s press release (that’s where you can buy one or more for $140.00): “The Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) features an all-new seamless body designed with an internal skeleton armature that is durable yet highly posable, a hinged jaw that opens and closes, and is approximately 8” tall and 12” from teeth to tail. The beastly behemoth comes with interchangeable hands that allow him to hold his included accessories like a jet plane and railway. The included dilapidated building replicas, military tanks, canons, and heat ray FX assist in recreating a multitude of unique display options.” EntertainmentEarth.com is taking preorders (click here) for a December 2023 fulfillment date — just in time for me to be Christmas-gifted with one ‘o these action figures.  

So while we all purge our lives of all things hippie day-glo color and immerse ourselves in black and white (if it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for EVERYONE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you turn green or some sort of skid mark brown…

BOSTON STRANGLER / March 17, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Loretta McLaughlin, a reporter for the Record-American newspaper, becomes the first journalist to connect the Boston Strangler murders. As the mysterious killer claims more and more victims, Loretta attempts to continue her investigation alongside colleague and confidante Jean Cole, yet the duo finds themselves stymied by the rampant sexism of the era. Nevertheless, McLaughlin and Cole bravely pursue the story at great personal risk, putting their own lives on the line in their quest to uncover the truth.”

That super mean Boston Strangler guy murdered 13 women back in the ‘60s in Boston of all places. He (you already know who BS is) died in 1973, ironically from choking on Ladies’ Fingers.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“Portrayal of a real-life figure Father Gabriele Amorth, a priest who acted as chief exorcist of the Vatican and who performed more than 100,000 exorcisms in his lifetime. (He passed away in 2016 at the age of 91.) Amorth wrote two memoirs — An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories — and detailed his experiences battling Satan and demons that had clutched people in their evil.”

Some hellish math goin’ on here. If Father Gabriele Amorth performed more than 100,000 stated exorcisms during his 60 year+ headlining appearance at the Vatican Soul Food Bar & Grill, this means he would have had to do 1,666.666 demon-shooing procedures a year. That comes out to 4.56 exorcisms every day for six decades. No Saturday or Sunday nights off, no holidays, company parties or booze cruises. Just an assembly line of evil begone. 

Statistically, the Vatican’s “quantity over quality” chi-scrubbing means there’s likely a LOT of still demon-infected people who could have a case for a refund…and maybe some of those surprisingly delicious communion crackers priests love to hand out like blessed parking tickets.

COLD BLOWS THE WIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Dean and Tasha’s first mistake was driving drunk. Their second, hitting a jogger. Their third, driving out to a remote location to bury the body. Tensions build between them as they can’t agree about anything along the way. When a mysterious visitor arrives offering not to tell anyone about the body they buried in exchange for protection, their night goes from bad to worse. Will the two of them be able to work together to make it back home? Or will the rift between them lead to even more horrific mistakes?”

Reminds me of the old joke: “If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.” A day doesn’t go by where I don’t LOL over that one.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven childhood friends excitedly embark on a road trip in an old RV to the coolest underground music festival out there – Blue Light. It will turn into a nightmare journey for which there is no U-turn for survival. They will carry the scars of the experience for the rest of their lives — if they survive.”

A UFO movie. So the gang sees the UFO, thinks it’s festival rave lights, and get out of the RV and start dancing like they were idiot-streaming on TikTok™. Horrified, the aliens see this, then vaporize the party-goers with some sort of hi-tech vape-o-beam. I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry, not sorry.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl…

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
“Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Rent-Free Ghosts

Have to give credit to the Italian made Ghosthouse (aka, La Casa/1988). What it short sheets you in acting, dialogue and plot, it’s delightfully gory. Just the opening sequence alone has a slaughtered family cat, a hatchet through the top of dad’s formerly functioning head, and mom getting her face shredded and eye blown out by an exploding mirror before getting her neck sliced into lunch meat. A family slayed together, stays together.

That sets up the premise twenty years later of a young Boston ham radio operator and his emotional rollercoaster of a girlfriend intercepting an ominous call for help, along with an eerie cackle over looped spooky music. Using some sort of math he triangulates the signal and it leads them right to the very long-abandoned house the opening sequence murders took place. Seems some grandfathered evil still lives there rent free.

Teaming up with some age-similar squatters, they try to Scooby-Doo the crap out of the mystery. At the core of it is eleven year old Henrietta and her demoniacally-possessed jester clown doll. Even though she died all those years ago (locked in the basement and left to starve to death), she still has work to do. This includes showing up on TV with bleeding eyes, popping up in hallways and any one of the house’s 14 bedrooms in blinding white light, and packing around that evil-cackling clown doll.

The dialogue is so painful it makes your crevices itch. The acting ranks somewhere between “just graduated from junior high school to “will you please just stop talking?” Thankfully, Henrietta and her demon doll unleash double heck, turning the old mansion into a non-stop parade of haunted house cliches and gore.

Other than the entire thing, Ghosthouse’s paranormal activities are outright LOL: a bedroom where toys and pillow feathers encircle a victim as if an indoor tornado; An running unplugged and motor-less fan’s blade coming lose and frisbee-ing a new throat hole in another victim; Floorboards giving way to a bubble bath of thick milky goop that dissolves skin; A melt-y face skeleton wearing a Grim Reaper robe and brandishing a knife. But it was the blood coming out of a bathroom faucet that really put the frosting on this cadaver cake. And if you can get through it, the ending will put a grin on your non-sliced face.

Interesting note: The house featured in the film is the same one used in the splatfest The House by the Cemetery (1981). Wonder what it rents for on Zillow™?