Sparse Horror, Demonic To-Do List, Evil Heaven

Minimalist horror/sci-fi movie posters say a lot with just images and not fancy logos to tell you what movie its representing. Kinda like flipping someone the middle finger without the need to say what the finger means in language befitting a merchant marine or a third-grader.

Here are some excellent examples of minimalist horror movie art, the first one being just a typewriter and a bloody hatchet, elegantly portraying the key components of The Shining (1980). An argument could be made for using the movie’s iconic snow maze with Lloyd the ghost bartender at the center of it. But hey, a typewriter and axe works.

Take a look at the other minimal horror art and see if you can tell what movie it represents. If you guess correctly, you win a cookie or something. And while you’re doing that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not deserve a middle finger…

DEMONIC ALIENS: UFOs FROM INNER SPACE / Out now (VOD)

“Are what we call ‘Aliens’ actually demonic forces and using the phenomenon to further their agenda on Earth? With negative effects on many experiencers, from burns to psychological damage, it would seem there are nefarious forces at work here on Earth that may not be from outer space. The bible speaks of entities upon the Earth before man as well as ten dimensions that science and academia have long lost interest in exploring. Perhaps now is the time to go back to the ancient texts to gain insight into this ever expanding phenomenon.”

Other than registering as being Republican, what other agenda could demonic forces possibly have?

BLACK LAKE DIRECTOR’S CUT / FEBRUARY 27, 2023 (VOD)

“Aarya leaves her family in the city to pursue her passion for the arts. She is gifted a red scarf and is haunted by a Churail, a demonic and malevolent South Asian witch.”

This one came out in 2020, but now gets a sweet upgrade with lots of extras. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they added more demonic and malevolent stuff. Hope it doesn’t offend my spiritual beliefs. Just kidding — I don’t have any of those.

NEW WORLD ORDER: DARK PRINCE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When God takes on the form of a man, a grief-stricken sergeant must battle his internal demons to defeat an evil empire.”

The evil empire being Heaven, of course.

DIRTY JERSEY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three friends go for an off-roading adventure in the Pine Barrens, but their friendship is torn to pieces, along with them.”

You’d think it was the Jersey Devil making bodily harm happen, but I watched the trailer and the creature looks like an adult sized rabbit wearing pants. And not nice pants, either.

Ghost Clowns, Republican Reptiles, Marauding Mermaids

There have been numerous versions of Catwoman, the fetching felonious feline who gives Batman a stiff Batarang. If you count TV, film, animated movies, comics, graphic novels and video games, there have been 30 Catwomen thus far. That’s a lot of kitty in that litter. But one of the sexiest standouts was Michelle Pfieffer’s skintight latex clad dominatrix portrayal of Catwoman in 1992’s Batman Returns. (Note to Julie Newmar, Batman’s 1966 Catwoman — can’t thank you enough for the carpal tunnel.)

Now you can purchase a replica of Pfieffer’s stylish Catwoman headpiece for a wallet-whomping $699.00. Riddle me this: Why does it cost so much? For one thing, it’s limited to 150 reproductions. Other reasons from PureArts website: “Matching the Batman 1:1 Scale Cowl Replica, this 1:1 Catwoman Mask Replica sits atop a miniature Gotham City mayoral house statue base. Featuring a removable Catwoman whip coiled around the base, PureArts captures the feminine, dangerous and clever essence of Catwoman. The mask replica is created out of PureArts’ poly-based casting material developed specifically for their Batman line, designed to look and feel like real high gloss latex, but never deteriorate.”

There are two versions: standard and one that comes complete with a removable leather whip and miniature version of the “cat clock” found in Shreck’s Department Store in the movie. To complete your cosplay hankerings, you can buy a Catwoman costume on any discount Halloween store, or make one yourself [instructions here].

While you rewatch Michelle’s tingle-inducing performance in Batman Returns and “review” it in the privacy of your own bathroom, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a litter box…

GHOSTS OF AMITYVILLE /Out now (VOD)

“Following the tragic death of her mother, eight-year-old Olivia soon discovers the demon of Amityville is manifesting itself as a clown.”

For some of us “demons,” morphing into a clown is redundant. However, If I was a demon (ahem), I’d manifest myself as a bartender, because hey — TIPS!

LIZARD PEOPLE: THE TRUTH ABOUT REPTILIANS / Out now (VOD)

“They established rule over ancient man, a race of giants known as the Nephilim. Today, their descendants live among us, veiled in any form they choose: Demon…Alien…even Reptilian! Two hardcore researchers, Carl Crew and Bryan Sadler, delve deep into the mythology that shrouds the theory of the Reptilians to uncover their true nature and their global power that some say continues to control the world. Through their deceit and deception, will the Reptilians ultimately destroy humankind?”

The horror sci-fi movie The Alligator People came out in 1959. So yeah, Reptilians have been among us over 60 years. Fun fact: “Republican” is a derision of “Reptilian,” which explains their continuing true nature to achieve global power and destroy humankind.

INVASION OF THE MERMAIDS / Out now (VOD)

“A fishing village encounters a mysterious water monster. A young man tries to protect the residents and in the process, they unexpectedly discover an invasion of mermaids.”

I’d rather be invaded by mermaids than some of those other oceanic threats, like murder clams or sushi chef’s knife-grade swordfish. And let us not rule out the Thrill Krill Cult.

PARANORMAL WORLD: ALIENS, UFOs, CRYPTIDS AND GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS / Out now (VOD)

“Sightings of strange, unworldly creatures occur daily around the world. Now we are learning that bizarre creatures like Bigfoot, Dogmen, El Chupacabras, Lake Monsters, Thunderbirds, even Aliens and UFOs may all be connected on our paranormal planet.”

It’s insensitive to refer to these creatures as “bizarre.” Better to say “folklore-capable.”

Snuff TV

Looking to get better ratings for his state-of-the-art UHF Canadian TV station, Max Renn, the station’s boss, decides that sex and violence simply isn’t enough. (Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.)

So Max meets up with a guy who operates an illegal satellite dish that can intercept programming from different countries, ones that consider sex and violence nothing but Disney Channel™ fodder. But what he shows Max is a TV show from Malaysia that broadcasts real-life snuff footage. Score! Max believes this to be just what his station needs. (Bye-bye advertisers.)

But what Max doesn’t know is that the TV signal called Videodrome causes the viewer to get all surreal in the senses and hallucinate as if on illegal drugs. In other words, big time ratings, except its working on Max big time.

The gorgeous Deborah Harry of Blondie fame plays Nicki, a psychiatrist. Perfect choice for Max’s new concept of mind-bending television. He starts dating her and, after watching Videodrome, do naughty naked stuff in a rough and tumble manner. Better still, she wants to be on that show. Well heck, double score!

The big revelation (and not a spoiler) is that the TV signal isn’t being broadcast from Malaysia, but Pittsburgh. Once that’s discovered, Videodrome (1983) gets all futuristic punk rock crazy town, with Max having visions of his own flesh being turned into a weapon (there’s a gun in his stomach) and his TV exploding human guts ’n gunk out of the screen. His quotable last words before shooting himself with his tummy gun: “Long live the new flesh!” Preachin’ to the choir, Max.

There’s a Republican Big Brother aspect to all of this, with the real guy in charge trying to wipe out all of us TV watching lowlifes by giving us brain tumors via his channel. As if that hasn’t already happened by watching regular TV programming.

Cash For Monsters, Paranormal TV, Legal Killers

Here’s a slick piece of marketing — Capcom™, maker of video games — has created a promotion around Monster Hunter: World, which has already sold over 5 million copies. Teaming with The Centre of Fortean Zoology founder Jonathan Downes, Capcom™ is offering £50,000 ($70,000 USD) “to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of one of 10 real-life monsters”.

Fellas, get out your checkbook — of the 10 monsters, I have proof of 11. (I put Bigfoot on there twice, because he’s twice as cool as any other cryptid.) If you wanna get in on this paranormal payday action, here’s the list of Capcom’s™ Most Wanted…

• Bigfoot

• The Loch Ness Monster

• Mongolian Death Worm

• Mermaid

• Earth Hound

• The Yeti/Almasty

• Chupacabra

• The Flying Snake of Namibia

• Yowie

• Cornish Owlman

In their press release, Capcom™ says before they cough up the coin, you must provide proof of one of these monsters by June 20, 2018 in order to clock some dollaz. (After receiving the evidence, Downes and his team will analyze it, and any hunter who provides definite proof will be awarded the prize, with multiple winners splitting the pot.)

Just so you know, I’m not splitting my winnings with anyone. My bar tab ain’t gonna pay for itself. (Hint: In bars is where I found most of the monsters. But look in Taco Bell™ restroom toilets for Mongolian Death Worms.)

While you get an expedition together, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth hunting down…

RED EYE (February 9, 2018)
“Gage Barker, a young man who grew up on the tales of Red Eye as a kid, learns that there could be some truth behind these folk tales. This myth covers a violent, deranged masked murderer, who dwells in the backwoods of Black Creek, West Virginia. With a group of his friends and his camera equipment in tow, they hike into the woods to seek him out or to prove that he is nothing more than a myth.”

Violent deranged masked murderer. Four words that go together as seamlessly as “super fun happy slide.” As for the friends going into the woods to look for Red Eye (he has a conjunctivitis prone sister — Pink Eye), I call dibs on anything cool you might own.

UNSANE (March 23, 2018)
“A young woman is involuntarily committed to a mental institution. She is then confronted by her greatest fear…but is it real or is it a product of her delusion?”

Word around the produce aisle is that this movie was shot entirely on an iPhone™. Pfffft — anyone can do that because everybody in the freaking grocery store has an iPhone™. Want to really make an impression? Trying filming a horror movie using only two empty cans of Del Monte™ Creamed Corn™ tethered by a long piece of wax string. All bars in all places.

THE FIRST PURGE (July 4, 2018)
“Behind every tradition lies a revolution. Next Independence Day, witness the rise of our country’s 12 hours of annual lawlessness. Welcome to the movement that began as a simple experiment: The First Purge. To push the crime rate below one percent for the rest of the year, the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) test a sociological theory that vents aggression for one night in one isolated community. But when the violence of oppressors meets the rage of the marginalized, the contagion will explode from the trial-city borders and spread across the nation.”

Thanks to the current political climate, this prequel makes perfect sense. But they’re overlooking the irony; the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) are the ones creating the public’s aggressive behavior. Why else would the clearly Republican paperboy flip me off every day? (Okay, I may have started it. But he should be the bigger person here, the punk.)

OUR HOUSE (2018)
“A young genius accidentally invents a device that amplifies the paranormal activity within his family’s house, possibly bringing back the spirits of loved ones, and unleashing things far worse.”

Uh, no — the “young genius” didn’t invent a paranormal activating amplification device. It’s already been around for multiple decades — and it’s called a “TV”. While mine doesn’t bring back spirits of dead people, if you get the expanded programming package, you can unleash all kinds of things, far worse and beyond.

Evil, Space Stuff, Spider-Man

Is it just me or does Spider-Man look like the inspiration for grey aliens or the other way around? These are the things I think about. All the time.

Here are some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies for you to think about…

GALAXY OF HORRORS (March 7, 2017)
“Trapped in a damaged cryogenic pod, a man is forced to watch a series of horrific science-fiction tales while his life support systems run out. Featuring intense stories of the unknown and otherworldly, equally wonderful and terrifying.”

Change cryogenic pod to couch and this could be me. Also smells like a winked homage to the punk rock sci-fi classic A Clockwork Orange (1971), wherein after a hyper violent crime spree, a gang leader is apprehended and is subject to “attempted rehabilitation via controversial psychological conditioning.” It’s the Republican way.

BETHANY (April 7, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A young woman named Claire moves back to her childhood home only to be haunted by her imaginary friend from when she was a child.”

I never had an imaginary friend. I had imaginary parents, though. I can’t move back to my childhood home, either. I think someone’s been living there since I got kicked out, uh, moved away.

MALICIOUS (2017)
“When a young college professor Adam and his pregnant wife Lisa suffer a traumatic event, they find themselves haunted — and connected — to a malicious entity. It is only when Adam calls upon Dr. Clark, a professor of parapsychology at the university, that the true horror of what they have encountered becomes clear.”

The key art hints that some sort of evilness either is responsible for the pregnancy or wants the kid once its plopped out. Note to evilness: no matter how the paternity suit fits, you’re looking at 18 years of child support.

 WITHOUT NAME (2017)
“There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Sounds to me like the “bizarre and nightmarish something” and the guy’s soon-to-be-ex are the same thing. Or it could be a meth-crazed chipmunk. On the fence as to which. Or maybe the woods with its powerful ability to wreak physical and mental havoc is a metaphor for an alcohol-fortified bender in the bushes to celebrate being able to turn on the “open for business” sign again.

Mecha-Eyeball

The Eyeborgs in Eyeborgs (2009) are the equivalent of intersection traffic cams, but with robotic legs that allow them to find trouble, record it, and send it back to Big Brother. Problem is, the crimes they’re filming aren’t really happening at all. (Classic Republican maneuver.)

There are ice chest-sized Eyeborgs and kitchen stove-sized Eyeborgs — and they’re all linked together to bring crime to its knees illegal. This is known as the Freedom of Observation Act (dumb), with the Eyeborgs built and maintained by ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network). Guess who pays for this stuff? (Not me; I’m broke.)

A conspirator tries to kill the President’s punk rock nephew and to tell the world that the Eyeborgs are really a part of a bigger political (Republican) agenda. A police detective eventually uncovers the truth (the stinky hippie emo conspiracy guy was right all along), and sets out to correct this incorrectness.

The Eyeborgs are kinda cool, but the plot, at times, slows things down to a robotic crawl. Fortunately, a big gun battle between human and robot brings things to a nice, shiny finish. And the President? You’ll have to decide if he was real or just a digital media puppet. Art imitates life.

Zombie Dinosaur

Zombie dinosaur. Why the hell not? Do dinosaurs thing they’re too big (metaphorically speaking) to get used as a punchline to a low-budget indie sci-fi film? If so, I got a weather shark I wanna introduce you to.

Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (releasing 2016, I think) stomps around like this: “A cracked scientist aligns with the Axis of Evil to bring down the US of A with EMP blasts, toxic zombification gas and an unleashing of the ultimate undead killing monstrosity — the Z-Rex. When a hot-wired militia squad and a crew of college hipsters are thrown together to do something about it, chaotic Predator-Thunder action runs amok.”

Makes sense in this current political climate that the ad poster would feature a bunch of stereotyped loud-mouthed Republican gun-thugs over the actual dinosaur itself. On second thought, that sounds exactly like Congress.

President Wolfman

No doubt the scariest horror show these days is the horrific battle for the Presidency during this 2016 election year. Regardless who wins, the outcome is far too frightening to contemplate. So much so, this moved satirist Patton Oswalt to post on Facebook™ (August, 2016): “We are living in a horror movie written by comedians and performed by maniacs using megaphones…”

Too bad politicians aren’t allowed to use machetes and hockey masks.

That said, if you haven’t chosen a side, may I offer a few liberal party alternates: President Wolfman (2012), An American Werewolf in Washington (2013) and the schlock classic, Werewolf of Washington (1973).

President Wolfman (great title) rigs the election like this: “The President of the United States has been bitten by a werewolf and is loose on the streets of Washington on a killing rampage! This comedy/horror/political satire is also a ‘green movie,’ created entirely out of recycled stock and public domain film footage culled from over one hundred grainy government instructional shorts, classroom education movies, vintage stag reels and features that have fallen out of copyright as well as from the favor of the public.”

Awesomely patriotic.

As for An American Werewolf in Washington, it looks like this is a fan-made fake movie advertisement. Nevertheless, it has my vote.

Werewolf of Washington, however, is unlike anything you’ll ever see, depicting scenes of the President ripping people apart and sniffing butts. Not Republican butts, though. That’s some big time stinky.

You have your candidates – now stuff it up your ballot box.

The Wrongs of Dracula’s Rites

In The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973) D’s plan is to introduce a new strain of the Bubonic plague to wipe humans off the face of the Earth. I don’t think Dracula was thinking ahead on this one. I mean, aren’t humans his grocery stores?

It’s the Eve of the Sabbath – and not the day before Black Sabbath releases a new album. Nope, this is the Sabbath of the Undead, kinda like spring break for those sorta not living. This does not meet eternal foe Van Helsing’s eco concerns, so he confronts Dracula at the very same spot they locked crosses two years earlier in Dracula A.D. 1972. Van Helsing comes prepared with a silver bullet, but AS ALWAYS can’t get the shot off in time before Dracula enunciates and throws a hissing fit.

The place catches on fire, so the fight spills over into the woods filled with Hawthorn bushes – he only other thing besides silver, garlic, pure running water, holy crosses, biblical scripture, altar boys and daylight that can defeat Dracula and make him soil his cape. Getting a sort of “crown of thorns,” Dracula gets tangled up, giving Van Helsing enough time to impale the evil outdoorsman with a fence post. As with every movie starring Dracula, he disintegrates. (Why can’t he explode just once?)

In all, Dracula shows up for a sec in the beginning of the movie and a few minutes at the end. Maybe he had other necks to do in the meantime. Bogged down in long stretches of back-story dialogue, there’s no room left for toothy action. Republican meddling once again. But when you rent a movie with the words “satanic” and “ritual” and “Dracula” in the title, you expect serious evil flavor to go down. Alas, it does not meet your eco concerns.

The Moon is a Conspiracy

Of the funniest things on YouTube™ are the conspiracy theory videos, everything from the Kennedy assassination (the CIA did it) and 911 (George Bush did it), to UFO denial (the military keeps doing it) and the best of ’em all, how the Apollo moon landing on July 20, 1969 was faked. (Pffft – the astronauts were real; it’s the moon that was faked.)

According to the Internet, legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick, who did The Shining, was hired by NASA to stage the entire thing as we didn’t have the technology to pull it off in 1969. In fact, the 2013 documentary Room 237 is an exhaustive analysis about how Kubrick hid hints in The Shining about his involvement in the cover-up that still endures to this day at fever pitch.

How fun for the rest of us who are greatly amused and entertained by all of this that there are two new movies about the faked moon deal. Operation Avalanche (2016) goes like this: “In 1967, four undercover CIA agents were sent to NASA posing as a documentary film crew. What they discovered led to one of the biggest conspiracies in American history.”

Then there’s Moonwalkers (2015), starring none other than Harry Potter’s favorite ginger, Ron Weasley. Here’s how that one goes: “After failing to locate the legendary Stanley Kubrick, an unstable CIA agent (Ron Perlman) must instead team up with a seedy rock band manager (Rupert Grint) to develop the biggest con of all time-staging the moon landing.”

This is all so flippin’ cool and a veritable fountain of validation for all those faked moon landing nutbags who have spent countless hours/years clicking around the Internet for “proof” of something that happened 47 years ago. (Note to nutbags – don’t stop busting NASA’s chops; I’m loving every second of it.)