Archive for House on Haunted Hill

Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

Posted in Asian Horror, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wailing

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. To say it’s a portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

Beacon Point

BEACON POINT 92017)
“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

Plotergeist Encounters

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

The Terrible Two

THE TERRIBLE TWO (2017)
Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A Cure For Wellness

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.

Haunted House On A Haunted Hill

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return to House on Haunted Hill

Sarah, the sister of a magazine editor chick, was the only living survivor from the blood jamboree at the Vanacutt Mansion in House on Haunted Hill (1999), which was a remake of the far superior 1959 version. Sarah kept a diary, detailing her experiences with undead demonic forces. (Wonder what she said about me in it?) Then she dies. At first it’s thought she committed suicide, but as it turns out, nope.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

An art collector seeks the ridiculously evil Baphomet statue inside the abandoned mansion/insane asylum where unnecessary medical procedures were performed on patients without their written consent.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

So a gang of thugs shoots the sister in the hair and steals her journal, which holds clues as to the statue’s whereabouts. Meanwhile, an archaeological college professor and the dead girl’s sister and boyfriend go to the mansion to recover the same exact statue. How’s that for a coincidence?

Return to House on Haunted Hill

But the criminals have guns, so they have the upper hand and… Not so fast – the ghosts have sealed up the mansion and wanna play “1-2-3 Your Limbs Belong To Me” with their uninvited guests. Mind you, this is a totally dumbass stretch to get people back into the mansion. But I’m usually open-minded when it comes to vengeful ghosts tearing off body parts. Think in terms of Gumby being made of meatloaf with LOTS of ketchup, or “catsup”.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

The ghost of Dr. Vanacutt keeps showing up, as do his angry patients. The idea, though, is to avoid them while hunting for Baphomet. It’s discovered that if the statue is taken outside of the building, flowers will thus grow, the sun will shine and puppies will no longer get run over by 18-wheel trucks.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

Bonus: ALL the chicks in this movie are spookily gorgeous. But because of the less-than-substantial plot and ghosts that weren’t as freaky/mean as in the first movie, Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) only reaches a simmer in an evil saucepan on afterlife’s stove. OK, I don’t know what that means, but felt it was a cool metaphor nonetheless.

Flaunt Your Haunt

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , on January 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House on Haunted Hill

Frederick Loren, millionaire, knows how to throw a party. First, he has five guests (who don’t know each other) picked up and dropped off at his creepy mansion in hearses. Then he offers each of them $10,000 to stay the entire night. ($11,000 if they do it without pajamas.) There’s a catch – the freakin’ place is freakin’ haunted.

House on Haunted Hill

In order to help them sleep better, each is given a loaded gun. So far, so good. Throw in a little booze (what is a personal firearm without alcohol but a harmless party favor?) and it’s an easy eight hours to Spend City. Or is it?

House on Haunted Hill

During the night the guests are made Underoos™-staining frightened by animated skeletons, bodies with no heads (I know, I could’ve used the word “disembodied” here), and one of the scariest floating old women you’ll ever see this week. 

House on Haunted Hill

Horror icon Vincent Price as Frederick Loren is priceless as the manipulative millionaire whose wife is a royal pain in the pocket book. But then that’s why he threw the party – to make everyone realize what a royal pain she is. I totally would’ve shot her with my party favor.

Made in 1959, House on Haunted Hill (1959) thing stands as one of the coolest all-time spookers.

House on Haunted Hill