Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
“Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Shadow People, Fender Bender UFOs, Last Call Hags

Thinking about getting a painless tattoo. Up until now, the only needle I’ve felt the sting with is those annual anti-zombie virus shots I get as insurance. Nope, the canvas that is my remarkably soft skin is ink free. And yet, how cool would it be to get a tattoo of the Alien chest-burster on my back? I’d put it on my chest, but that’s what society would EXPECT. That’s a rule. I don’t do rules. Although, as a rule, I brush my teeth twice a day. So yeah, a bit hypocritical of me, but as I always say, be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

Speaking of things that may or may not have bite, here are few more upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into. Chew with your mouth closed, please. Not a rule, just common courtesy.

AWAKEN THE SHADOWMAN (July 21, 2017 (Limited); July 25, 2017 (VOD)
“After the mysterious disappearance of their mother, estranged brothers reunite and discover an unknown supernatural force.”

Is it Slenderman working on a new stand-up routine? Is it a prankster poltergeist looking to get you to involuntarily soil the sheets? (Which would be flippin’ hysterical.) Is it a half-transparent baby-sitter? Is it all of the above? I can only hope and pray by crossing my fingers really hard.

LANDING LAKE (2017)
“When a technical team is sent to repair a communication station they quickly realize that something may be coming from the nearby lake that is affecting their minds. As they lose their inhibitions their most primal desires take hold. It seems that only one of the team is permitted to bond with the unseen entity and so be reborn in a new body. A terrifying game of strategy not to survive, but rather to die with the promise of life anew.”

This one’s already getting attention, but for the wrong reasons. One horror movie blog says it’s a prime candidate for the worse movie trailer of the year. Geez, don’t sugar coat it, guys. From what I was able to piece together is that a UFO crashed landed up at Crash Landing Lake (heh) a while back and no one came looking for it. I would’ve — and I’d sell it on Craigslist™ and become a billionaire. So yeah, probably alien gunk got into the lake and anyone skinny dipping in it is gonna have their cracked Liberty Bell infected by said space goo. This often ends in hilarious results.

BLUE BOOK (2017/History Channel)
“Blue Book is a scripted UFO drama series chronicling the true top secret U.S. Air Force-sponsored investigations into UFO-related phenomena in the 1950s and ’60s, known as Project Blue Book. The series follows Dr. J. Allen Hynek, a brilliant college professor recruited by the U.S. Air Force to spearhead this clandestine operation that researched thousands of cases, many of which were never solved. Each episode will draw from the actual files, blending UFO theories with authentic historical events from one of the most mysterious eras in United States history.”

UFOs seem to be getting a bump up these days, what with the ongoing success of Ancient Aliens. So it makes sense do a spin-off series about all those TRUE stories of saucers and the unearthly pilots that fly and sometimes run ‘em into New Mexico dirt. Wonder if aliens are have to carry saucer insurance? If so, what are the rates? Hopefully Blue Book will fill in these blanks

SLUMBER (2017)
“Alice, a rationally minded sleep doctor, is forced to abandon scientific reason and accept a family is being terrorized by a parasitic demon which has existed in every human culture since records began. Paralyzing victims as they sleep, the ‘Night Hag’ is the original Nightmare.”

Night Hag — that’s what we refer to the last call gals at The Poggie Tavern. And I wouldn’t put it past ‘em to mess with you while you’re trying to deal with hangover paralysis. FYI: keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Superheroes, Godzilla, Chick Monsters and Dirty Harry

Spent all morning trying to get my hair to goon out like Giorgio Tsoukalos on the Ancient Aliens TV series. That guy has some serious follicle action goin’ on. My attempt to replicate and emulate didn’t turn out so well. Looks like I won’t be leaving my apartment until the lacquer wears off.

In the meantime, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi to make your hair stand on end…

THE EYES (April 7, 2017)
“Six strangers with unspeakable pasts wake up imprisoned in an abandoned warehouse and discover they are being forced to participate in an evil governmental experiment.  Five must die. One can live. And they have two hours to decide amongst themselves who survives. The clock is ticking and if they don’t decide…they ALL die.”

Overused plot #37. And being forced to participate in an evil government experiment? Well, heck — that’s called life. And The Eyes needs to get one.

JUSTICE LEAGUE (November 11, 2017)
Fueled by his restored faith in humanity and inspired by Superman’s selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes — Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash — it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.”

The new trailers for Justice League has everybody frothing in their britches. (Mine were bubbling over every since the first Wonder Woman trailer.) DC, a little late to the superhero gang game, is nevertheless pulling out all stops to make JL a box office barn burner. And with footage of Wonder Woman changing into her costume, it should be.

Not sure why they included the semi-obscure Cyborg over Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. But hey, they didn’t include me either as Yell Man. Super powers include expressing myself in hippie-scattering levels, planking upside down on the couch and staring at the TV without blinking for days on end. Abilities become more intense after powering up with a mystical potion (Budweiser™).

GODZILLA — MONSTER PLANET (November, 2017/Netflix™)
“Haruo, who saw his parents killed by Godzilla in front of his eyes when he was 4 years old, had only one thing in his mind for 20 years: to return to the Earth and defeat Godzilla. Shut out from the possibility of emigration, as the living environment in the ship deteriorates, the group of ‘Earth Returnists’ led by Haruo became the majority, and determines to head back to Earth through a dangerous long-distance hyperspace navigation. However, the Earth they have returned to has already passed the time of 20,000 years, and has become an unknown world with the ecosystem reigned by Godzilla.”

This one’s animated (i.e., cartoon). Still, it’s God-freakin’-zilla, man. I’ll take him in any form — except wood. A wooden Godzilla would probably burn his own tongue off when breathalyzing his radioactive flame belch. (Clams have that same effect on me for some reason.)

LIFEFORM (2017)
“Hadrian Beckett, a molecular biologist working to bring his wife, Samantha, back from a brain dead state, creates transgenic super stem cells that are capable of repairing cellular damage. The cells save Samantha’s life, but Hadrian and Sam discover that she is slowly being transformed into a creature of pure instinct, one that is able to alter the shape of its body at will. Hadrian must find a cure before her sense of identity is completely subsumed by the beast within her.”

Not to be confused with the 1996 sci-fi movie of the same name. Then again the plot feels like a reworking of Deadly Friend (1986) with notes of Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993). So Samantha is turning into a creature of pure instinct and… The next words out of my mouth could get me in big trouble with every woman on the planet.

MANIAC COP (2018)
“A determined female cop sets out to reveal the truth after the LAPD attempts a cover up when innocent people are brutally murdered on the streets by a uniformed police officer.”

A remake. Before it: Maniac Cop/1988, Maniac Cop 2/1990, Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence/1993, all of which takes their lead from 1973’s Magnum Force starring the ultimate maniac (in a good way) cop, Dirty Harry.