Archive for Gumby

Killer TV, Medically-Trained Zombies, A Storm of Clowns

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Killer Movie Channel

In a sea of horror/sci-fi movie streaming channels, now comes a potential heavy hitter in the blandly named The Killer Movie Channel. Found on Roku™ and other platter platforms, TKMC seems to hit most of the right notes and is reasonably priced after a free trial: $3.99 a month/$36.00 year. For a horror movie junkie like myself, this is a good business model.

The Killer Movie Channel

Going through their offerings, if you’re a horror freak, you’ve likely seen 99% of the movies featured. And even though they seem to have a decent selection/somewhat deep catalog, you might give Shudder and/or Midnight Pulp a try. Way more content and a bit more expensive, but not a wallet buster — unless you eat from garbage cans and whatever’s stuck to the underside of a Waffle House dining tables.

Find The Killer Movie Channel HERE. And here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stick to the underside of Waffle House dining tables…

The Cleanse

THE CLEANSE (May 4, 2018)
Paul Berger, an unemployed, down and out, is a heartbroken man searching for happiness. When Paul sees an ad for a spiritual retreat promising to restart your life, he immediately signs up, hoping to cleanse himself and fix his broken life. But after only a few days, he discovers the cleanse is releasing more than just everyday toxins…a lot more.”

If you’re a down and out heartbroken man with a name like Berger — which awesomely sounds like “burger” — then your priorities are all out of whack. And as for releasing more than everyday toxins, isn’t that what everybody eventually does after eating a Taco BellXXL Grilled Stuft Burrito? (Note to anyone brave enough to eat at TB — go for the Power Menu Burrito; a little less “impactful” on the plumbing.)

Feral

FERAL (May 25, 2018)
“A wild animal attacks six medical students on a weekend hike in the woods. One by one, they become infected with a ‘feral disease’, turning them into rabid, bloodthirsty creatures, and the vacation becomes a nightmare as they fight to survive each other.”

Doesn’t say much for the “medical” students if they can’t even treat being infected by gangsta pine cones and/or poisonous raccoons. So does this also mean they have to drop out of med school for becoming rabid, bloodthirsty creatures? If so, Kinkos™ will take ‘em.

Upgrade

UPGRADE (June 1, 2018)
“After his wife is killed during a brutal mugging that also leaves him paralyzed, Grey Trace is approached by a billionaire inventor with an experimental cure that will ‘upgrade’ his body. The cure — an Artificial Intelligence implant called STEM — gives Grey physical abilities beyond anything experienced and the ability to relentlessly claim vengeance against those who murdered his wife and left him for dead.”

Sounds like a mash-up of The Six Million Dollar Man (1974 — 1978) and RoboCop (1987). I’d rather have stretchy powers, like Plastic Man or Gumby, though. Bonus: I’d be waterproof!

Clownado

CLOWNADO (pending crowd-funding)
“A one of a kind thrill ride into the depths of depravity and gore! Believe it or not, it is a Horror Film Noir, with crazed killer Clowns on a rampage from Hell, out for revenge and only BLOOD can quench their savage desire for destruction! Be ready for one twisted and scary adventure!”

Funny title. I feel compelled to contribute to their fundraising campaign, especially when they hit my mental joy-buzzer with words like “depravity”, “gore” and “savage desire”, which bartenders comment when I slobberingly order bottle after bottle of Budweiser™.

A Case of the Crabs

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Crab

Giant crab movies are nothing new. You can go far back as 1961’s Mysterious Island for some sweet supersized crustacean action. And when you run out of ways to have mega crabs shell humans as if they were um, crab legs, then you give the title creature a new designation: Queen Crab. No word if this is a gay crab or one born of royalty.

Mysterious Island

Filmed using good old fashion stop-motion (see The Gumby Show/1956), Queen Crab is introduced via a meteor crashing into a remote quiet lake, probably loaded with giant leeches (see Attack of the Giant Leeches/1959). From there the space rock, probably thrown by God (see The Ten Commandments/1956), “awakens a centuries-old beast, who tears through a nearby town and its inhabitants who must fight for their lives and stop this Queen Crab before she can hatch an army of babies.”

Gumby

An army of crab babies. Good luck finding diapers that stay on during pinch-y attacks on humanity.

Queen Crab arrives via DVD September 2015 and is reported to be loaded with extras. Wishful thinking, but I hope one of the extras is a package of drawn butter and/or cocktail sauce.

Haunted House On A Haunted Hill

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return to House on Haunted Hill

Sarah, the sister of a magazine editor chick, was the only living survivor from the blood jamboree at the Vanacutt Mansion in House on Haunted Hill (1999), which was a remake of the far superior 1959 version. Sarah kept a diary, detailing her experiences with undead demonic forces. (Wonder what she said about me in it?) Then she dies. At first it’s thought she committed suicide, but as it turns out, nope.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

An art collector seeks the ridiculously evil Baphomet statue inside the abandoned mansion/insane asylum where unnecessary medical procedures were performed on patients without their written consent.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

So a gang of thugs shoots the sister in the hair and steals her journal, which holds clues as to the statue’s whereabouts. Meanwhile, an archaeological college professor and the dead girl’s sister and boyfriend go to the mansion to recover the same exact statue. How’s that for a coincidence?

Return to House on Haunted Hill

But the criminals have guns, so they have the upper hand and… Not so fast – the ghosts have sealed up the mansion and wanna play “1-2-3 Your Limbs Belong To Me” with their uninvited guests. Mind you, this is a totally dumbass stretch to get people back into the mansion. But I’m usually open-minded when it comes to vengeful ghosts tearing off body parts. Think in terms of Gumby being made of meatloaf with LOTS of ketchup, or “catsup”.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

The ghost of Dr. Vanacutt keeps showing up, as do his angry patients. The idea, though, is to avoid them while hunting for Baphomet. It’s discovered that if the statue is taken outside of the building, flowers will thus grow, the sun will shine and puppies will no longer get run over by 18-wheel trucks.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

Bonus: ALL the chicks in this movie are spookily gorgeous. But because of the less-than-substantial plot and ghosts that weren’t as freaky/mean as in the first movie, Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) only reaches a simmer in an evil saucepan on afterlife’s stove. OK, I don’t know what that means, but felt it was a cool metaphor nonetheless.