Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
“Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Outrocking Evil

The ‘80s hair band Triton is rocking hard and riding free and features a camera aware/body builder/studded leather Speedo™-wearing lead singer, John. (You’d think he’d have a more rock appropriate name, like Poser McPose, Flexi Hamstring or Dangle.) John and his ham band play anthem power rock songs like “We Live To Rock,” “Engery,” and (my fav) “Edge of Hell (Wildlife)”, what with its “don’t bore us, get to the chorus” catchiness. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a solid hook.

Triton’s manager insists the band retreat to an isolated farmhouse in I Don’t Know Where We Are, Canda to work on 10 minutes of new material to add to their show. (Note to band — just put “tonight”, “alright” and “let’s fight” into the lyrics and you’re good to go. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Traveling in a three-tone van (orange, white and black), the rockers bring their girlfriends and the female keyboard player with hair so big, you can see my house from there. No sooner than the band sets up in the barn and starts rocking like they’re in front of 10,000 invisible screaming fans, they take a break and start having sex with each other, with some of the band members wearing sunglasses — indoors — during their act(s) of shame. That is so rock.

To mix things up, a car full of groupies show up to group with the group. As this is happening, the Devil — depicted as a rubber alien thing — shows up to top the charts, with assorted rubber, finger puppet demons as special guests. I am not making this up. Once evil reveals itself, John transforms into his studded leather Speedo™-wearing counterpart, complete with lightning bolts emitting from his muscular visage, power posing with some of the best traffic jam constipation facial expressions ever committed to VHS tape.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (1987) features lots of boobs and so much hairsprayed hair, Aqua Net™ should have been given a screen credit. Regardless, this wincing attempt to meld hair metal with vulcanized evil reminds me of the drunken heckling I used to do at local rock shows: “You suck — break up!”

Alien Superman

Our first glimpse of Supersonic Man, a decidedly stylish superhero, is in his Speedo™. (Is it a swim suit? Underwear? Men’s bathhouse recreational attire?) SSM is rousted out of a science induced death sleep by his space boss to put some pants on and go to the planet Earth (you may have heard of the place) and save them from that butt hook mad scientist, Dr. Gulik, who wants to take over the world. He smokes, so clearly he’s evil.

Supersonic Man’s lunar name is Kronos (on Earth he just goes by Paul/Supersonic) and is an alien or “extraterrestrial.” Because he’s handsome and exhibits advanced grooming techniques, he’s the RIGHT CHOICE to go after Gulik (pronounced “goo lick”) and his tricked out robot. SS’s crime fighting clothes (once he finally put ‘em on) is a red ensemble with blue cape and matching boots and cowl. Think Superman in reverse, though SS Man’s uniform matches more closely those worn in the 1967 Italian adventure, The Three Fantastic Supermen. But clothes don’t make the man; Kronos has a job to do, colorful pants or not.

Dr. Gulik has a gang that wears the same clothes. His robot is bedazzled with all sorts of dials, knobs, wires and blinking lights. Clearly this thing is a formidable foe. So the first thing Supersonic does is take to the skies, flying around New York with a stern look on his face. Clearly, his expression indicates he does not approve of crime or power mad scientists.

Gulik instructs his henchmen (referred to as drunken bums) to kidnap a renowned science professor AND his supermodel daughter. This upsets Supersonic’s tummy. He rescues her in and here’s where his other super powers come into play — he switches back to being a “Clark Kent” and talks her into going out to dinner. She does. Score!

The rest is predictable if you know anything at all about superhero movies. One thing that sets Supersonic apart, though — he steals booze. Yep, while on a home cooked dinner date with Patricia (the professor’s hot daughter), he “forgets” the champagne and goes out to his vehicular to get it.

It’s here he changes into Supersonic, flies into town, goes into an Italian restaurant kitchen and grabs a couple of bottles of the good stuff — and just walks out without paying for it! The scene of him flying back to Patty’s pad with the champagne in his gloved hands is the stuff of legend. More so when he gives a bottle of beer to a drunken bum and keeps the bubbly for himself. He truly is indeed a superhero.

There’s a really funny twist at the end involving a drunken bum and the UFO sent to retrieve Supersonic after his mission is completed. It’s a nice cherry on top of a tasty superhero sundae.

Final note: The starring role of Supersonic Man (1979) was played by two guys — Kronos (the guy in the costume) and Paul, the ladies’ man with an impeccably maintained mustache. You think he was gonna shave that thing off to fight crime? You must be out of your mind.

Future Sci-Fi Bikini

Somewhere between existentialism, a planet-sucking garbage disposal, and painfully dumb, rubber-suited aliens, is The Fifth Element (1997), a sorta serious/sorta comedy sci-fi movie about a supermodel in a Band-Aid™ bikini who is prophesied as the ONLY ONE who can save the world from Judgment Day. Well heck – why didn’t they just put Jesus in a Speedo^®?

In the 23rd Century, a former military special agent, now a floating cab-driving loser, is re-drafted to stop a commerce-minded Zorg (first name Jean-Baptiste) from stealing ancient magic stones or (“Elements”) he got from the  rubber-suited Mangalores in trade for advanced weaponry.

Growing the “perfect being” from a sample of the Elements, scientists were able to regenerate Leeloo, the bikini’d one, when combined with the first four Elements, is foretold to stop the  “Great Evil.” She has orange hair and speaks gibberish. Could it be Future Cyndi Lauper coming to save us?

They throw everything in here: religion, space action, bombs, explosions, an intergalactic deejay, site gags, floating cabs, an opera singer with tentacles for hair. (One wonders, how does she comb it?)

Oddly, The Fifth Element is rather entertaining, especially the Band-Aid™ bikini, which never seems to come off, even when being pursued by floating police. Man, the future has some kick ass technology.