Puzzling Horror, Egg Aliens, Camera-Ready Zombies

The most puzzling thing about horror movies is how some of them got made. Then again, without punchbowl turds as Frankenstein Island (1981), Bride of Boogedy (1987), or the painfully watchable Urotsukidôji I: Legend of the Overfiend (1989), our lives would not be as fulfilled as promised by alcohol. But what if horror movies were turned into literal puzzles? Gird your bladder — you can now get horror movie puzzles that combines b-grade with brilliance, all for $25.99 (or less).

Created by Rachid Lotf, you can get a 28”x20” 1,000-piece House of Horrors puzzle, a spectacular and colorful collage of featuring Halloween, Jaws, The Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and lots more. Or there’s the Horror Night Watch Party, also 1,000 pieces, featuring Pinhead, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, Michael Myers and Leatherface, all watching horror movies on a TV as if having some sort of social gathering. And Rachid’s Horror VHS Cemetery puzzle is like a trip down a Blockbuster Video™ memory lane. P.S. there’s even a Blockbuster™ era video puzzle.

While you can buy all of ’em (and more) by clicking this, here are few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem like a puzzle missing a few pieces…

ALIEN INVASION / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A group of friends find a large strange egg that hatches. Unfortunately, the egg contains an intergalactic predator. Now they must stop it from reaching civilization.”

Eggs are a super food, so not seeing the problem here.

TIN & TINA / Out now (Netflix™)

“After a tragic abortion, Lola and her husband Adolfo adopt Tin and Tina, a seemingly angelic brother and sister with an ultra-Catholic education that makes them interpret the Holy Bible verbatim.”

Reading the Bible verbatim should scare the Holy crap outta everyone.

THE DEVIL’S STOMPING GROUND / JUNE 27, 2023 (VOD)

“On May 1, 2021, fifteen college film students traveled to the place in the Uwharrie Mountains of North Carolina, known as The Devil’s Tramping Ground, to shoot their senior short film project. What happened that night was a tragedy. The Devil’s Stomping Ground is a narrative feature, edited together from the footage the seniors were shooting for their movie and the behind-the-scenes documentary footage two juniors were shooting of their efforts. The film chronicles the day and subsequent night of their shoot. It is a cautionary tale about temptation, pushing your luck, and the inevitable consequences of being oblivious to your surroundings. Will they be ‘forever changed’ as the legend suggests?”

The tragedy is they turned this into a movie.

FINAL CUT / July 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Set against the backdrop of a B-movie shoot that is descending into disaster, the director who seems to be the only one invested with the necessary energy to keep the low-budget zombie film afloat. As he tries to gee up jaded technicians and uninterested actors, shooting is disturbed by the arrival of authentic undead.”

This is the French remake of Japanese zombie comedy, One Cut of the Dead. I have no idea why I know that.

6 Inches of Terror, Digital Death, Jackie The Ripper

NECA™, maker of fine horror toys, has three must-have figures coming out in August of 2023. Using an abacus (calculator that doesn’t need batteries or plugged in), I determined that to be a little less than six months from the date of this posting. (I’ll have to get back to you on today’s date — I think I broke my abacus while calculating last month’s bar tab.) NECA™, who previously brought us fun figurines like Elvira, Herbert West (Re-Animator), The Miner (My Bloody Valentine), Freddy Krueger (The Brady Bunch), Universal Monsters and measurable tons more, is adding Vampira, Svengoolie and Captain Spaulding to their vast inventory.

According to NECA’s™ addictive website: “Bring the fun of Saturday morning cartoons to your horror collection with the adorable little creeps of Toony Terrors, NECA’s™ line of stylized horror icons! Standing approximately 6” tall, the Series 8 action figure assortment includes Captain Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses) with alternate head, Vampira with skull, and Svengoolie. Each figure comes in blister card packaging with a bonus cutout backdrop.” (Preorder here).

While we chuck once-cherished family heirlooms cluttering up valuable shelf space to make room for these under $20 figures, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have been made with a budget determined by a working abacus… 

GHOST WEBCAM / Available now (Tubi™)

“While under house arrest, Nate goes on a virtual date with a woman who appears to get murdered on camera. He needs to find out if it’s real or a hoax.”

Virtual dating seems so 2022. There are pros and cons, though, the best part being is when you get a data date to show you her binarys and you put your hardware into her software. Click and a promise.

THE GHOST WITHIN / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Margot revisits her family home, desperate to uncover who killed her sister Evie 20 years earlier. As she gets closer to the truth, Margot finds herself facing her deepest fears in the house that’s still haunted by Evie’s ghost.”

She died 20 years earlier and now you’re desperate to solve your sister’s murder? Sounds more like, “I’ll get around to it eventually, sis.”  

SLASHER: RIPPER / April 6, 2023 (Shudder™, AMC+™)

“Basil Garvey, a charismatic tycoon whose success is only rivaled by his ruthlessness, oversees a city on the cusp of a new century and a social upheaval that will see its streets run red with blood. There’s a killer stalking the mean streets, but instead of targeting the poor and downtrodden like Jack the Ripper, The Widow is meting out justice against the rich and powerful. The only person standing in the way of this killer is the newly promoted detective, Kenneth Rijkers, whose ironclad belief in justice may wind up being yet another victim of The Widow.”

Kinda like the bloodletting version of Robin Hood (1950). If The Widow is only going after the rich and powerful, I can safely leave my doors unlocked.

BROOKLYN 45 / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Friday, December 27, 1945. Five military veterans gather in the ornate parlour of a Brooklyn brownstone. Best friends since childhood, they’ve reunited to support their troubled host. But when his invitation for cocktails turns into an impromptu séance, the metaphoric ghosts of their past become all-too-literal. Trapped in their host’s lounge, the Greatest Generation now finds themselves put to one final test, with their only route to freedom being more bloodshed.”

Soldiers vs. Specters. Army vs. Apparitions. Platoon vs. Poltergeists. Brigade vs. Banshees. I could do this for another three minutes.

Slashers of the Universe, Teen Exterminator, Eco-Friendly Snake Pit

More from the world of AI-generated art, this batch being a mash-up of 1980’s Masters of the Universe with its characters being recast using Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, Michael Myers and Chucky joining the made-for-toy ranks of Skeletor, He-Man and Beast Man. If these ever get manufactured into cool bath tub toys, I’m pretty sure I’d sell my car for a complete set. 

In case you don’t know anything about Masters of the Universe, I could tell you, but here’s what I “borrowed” from Wikipedia™ because I ate too much lazy soup for lunch: “Masters of the Universe (sometimes referred to as the He-Man or She-Ra series) is a sword and planet-themed media franchise created by Mattel™. The main premise revolves around the conflict between He-Man (the alter ego of Prince Adam) and Skeletor on the planet Eternia, with a vast lineup of supporting characters in a hybrid setting of medieval sword and sorcery, and sci-fi technology.”

Sounds like happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. So while we head to the Tug to experience the entire spectrum of artificial intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not benefit from an AI-generated script…

LITTLE BONE LODGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During a vicious storm, two criminal brothers on the run seek refuge in a desolate farmhouse. Taking the resident family captive, they find the house holds dark secrets of its own.”

And that secret is the farm family is all lactose intolerant. That’s why the farm is desolate — no cows.

PENSIVE Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After classmates destroy life-size wooden folk art statues during a wild high school graduation party at a remote cottage, a mysterious killer starts picking them off one by one.”

A graduation bash is called wild by destroying wood statues? Today’s high schoolers don’t have a clue how to party. 

THE UNSEEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A law student finds himself in a twisted web of murder and deceit brought on by a dark force from his past.”

I could never be a lawyer — I can’t pass a bar. [Insert rim shot here]

QUICKSAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An American couple, on the brink of divorce, travel to Colombia for a work conference. While on a hike through the Rainforest, a storm causes them to become trapped in a pit of quicksand. Unable to move, it becomes a struggle for survival as they battle the elements of the jungle and a venomous snake in order to escape.”

There are snakes in the Rainforest? No thank you — those things goon me out. I’ll do my dirty business in the park. As usual.

Freaks 4 Freddy, Fairy Appetite, Hairy Heredity

If you’re just a casual fan or full-blown freak for all things A Nightmare on Elm Street, then FredHeads The Documentary, an upcoming feature about Elm Street fanatics, should have you bouncing up and down on a knife glove in anticipation of its February 14, 2023 release.

From the FredHeads press release: “Directed by Paige Troxell and Kim Gunzinger, this documentary follows a group whose friendships were formed and molded by A Nightmare on Elm Street. They venture out to share the stories of other fans of all ages from around the world whose lives were also changed by the horror film franchise.”

So while we’re placing bets on whether these obsessed fans still live with their parents, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be a nightmare on any street… 

THE DEVIL BENEATH / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Two estranged brothers and their friends are pulled into a world of mystery and lies when their grandfather’s property is passed into their hands. As both brothers are pulled apart by different choices, one thing is clear — something sinister is going on. As people go missing the brothers learn secrets that will change their life forever — but what is out there? A myth? A hoax? Or could it really be…real?”

I wrote about this one back in 2015. That’s, like, 47 years ago give or take. It was released as Red Billabong in Australia, where it was made. I have no idea if that country is a myth or a hoax or possibly real. While I figure it out, this “about bloody time” movie is finally being released here in the states with a new title. Good — I didn’t know what a “billabong” was and why it’s red.

IN MY MOTHER’S SKIN / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“Stranded in the Philippines during World War II, a young girl finds that her duty to protect her dying mother is complicated by her misplaced trust in a beguiling, flesh-eating fairy.”

Yeah, you can’t trust a flesh-eating fairy regardless of how beguiling. One minute you and a fairy are hanging out, having a couple of beers, then the next your face is a sandwich. An open-face sandwich. Heh.

ALONE AT NIGHT / January 20, 2023 (VOD)

“Vicky is a young woman looking for an escape after going through a harrowing break-up. After retreating to a friend’s remote cabin in the woods to clear her head, she continues modeling sexy lingerie for her devoted followers on 18 & Over, an adults-only, live-streaming website. But when the power keeps going out, Vicky discovers something terrifying awaiting her in the dark — a masked killer wielding a crowbar who’s hellbent on bringing her night to a grisly end.”

I looked but was unable to find her adults-only live-streaming website. Found 117,413 others, though.

WOLFKIN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Elaine, a single mother, is raising her son, Martin, who shows strange and uncontrollable behavior. When the boy bites one of his classmates, Elaine, desperate for answers, takes him to see his paternal grandparents. But there she discovers the true nature of the family and has to choose between acceptance or fighting for her son’s destiny.

So the young boy is a wolf. He could be his own pet.

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Nightmare Travel Host, Evil Easter, Heartless Operation

Freddy Krueger on The Travel Channel™? Book me a seat! Actually, it’s Freddy Krueger actor, Robert Englund. But Clark Kent is still Superman, no matter if he’s wearin’ the cape or not.

Shadows of History, the six episode series, premiers sometime in 2019, which, unless you frequently time-travel, is this year. From the press release: “In each episode, the Nightmare on Elm Street star will track down the story behind a bizarre or mysterious account printed in an American newspaper in the past. He will enlist historians and scholars to get to the truth behind the reports.” You can hear Englund in his best Freddy voice intro each show — “I’m your travel agent now!”

While we wait for Robert Englund to appear on Expedia.com commercials, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as terrifying as The Travel Channel™…

MADE ME DO IT (April 12, 2019)
“After a lifetime of abuse and rejection, a man finds unconditional love when he dons a mask called Barbara. But Barbara has an all-consuming taste for murder, as a college student and her little brother are about to discover.”

Most lonely guys would find unconditional love with an inflatable sex doll. Doesn’t seem like a mask would fulfill all his…needs. Whatever — love the one your with.

CHAMBERS (April 26, 2019/Netflix™)
“Nancy is the mother of the heart donor who forges a hesitant relationship with the young recipient only to find out her daughter may not be as dead as she thought.”

That’s pretty heartless. Okay, that came out wrong. So am I reading into this correctly — mom gave away her daughter’s heart before said daughter was done using it? She could get cardiac arrested for that. C’mon, that was funny. Geez…

ROTTENTAIL (April 12, 2019 |Theatrical | April 26, 2019 | DVD)
“Adapted from the graphic novel, Rottentail is the story of geeky fertility researcher Peter Cotton who, when bitten by a mutant rabbit, transforms into a vengeance-seeking half-man/half-bunny. What’s a boy to do? Why, take a hippity, hoppity trip home of course! Peter begins a bloody killing spree that culminates in his childhood hometown of Easter Falls.”

There have been an overflowing basket full of horror Easter movies (including the documentaries) before this one: Easter Bunny Bloodbath (2004), Kottentails (2004), Peter Rottentail (2004), Serial Rabbit (2005), Easter Bunny Kill Kill (2006), Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares (2009), Bunnyman (2011), Easter Casket (2013), Easter Sunday (2014), Beasterday: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell (2014), Serial Rabbit V: The Epic Hunt (2017), and Bunnyman Vengeance (2017). There’s probably more, but you’ll have to…hunt…for them. Heh.

ACHOURA (2019)
“Four kids have fun at frightening one another and decide to go explore a condemned and probably haunted house. One of them disappears in mysterious circumstances. The three survivors try to forget, until Samir reappears 25 years later. The group will eventually have to confront the past.”

I didn’t know what Achoura was, so I clicked it up. It’s a Moroccan religious celebration where children splash water on each other. Way to ruin playtime in a backyard pool with religion, Morocco. 

Nightmare King, Porno Slasher, Ghost Mom

It’s one thing to eat fast food and later get nightmares. But it’s entirely another thing to have a fast food chain tell you up front their burgers will give you nightmares. Genius, and yet unsettling, both to your mind and lower intestines.

Burger King™, hot on the heels of their Scary Black Cherry Frozen Fanta™ drink for this year’s Halloween season, is now selling the Nightmare King™ (great name), a hamburger with green buns (there’s a joke in there somewhere) that’s designed to make you freak out in your sleep. Time to throw out your Freddy Krueger spring rolls.

A review from CNBC.com: “The Nightmare King hase a ghoulish green bun and is filled with grilled beef, crispy chicken, bacon, American cheese and mayonnaise. And Burger King is actually claiming that the Halloween sandwich will induce nightmares, having tested it with 100 people over ten nights. The study revealed a 3.5 time increase in nightmares.

It’s the combination of protein and cheese that leads to vivid dreams, according to Dr. Jose Gabriel Medina, a somnologist and the study’s lead doctor, according to an online release. People’s Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycles were interrupted, a time when most people dream.”

So they actually went out and found a doctor to validate their marketing. Wonder if they hired Republicans to cook ‘em? And before you race to Burger King™ to shell out $6.39 for one of these bad dream burgers (available October 22, 2018 while stocks last), here are a few upcoming horror that may or may not be as scary as green buns…

THE CLOVEHITCH KILLER (November 16, 2018)
“Tyler is a good kid, a boy scout, raised by a poor but happy family in a small, religious town. But when he finds his dad, Don, has disturbing pornography hidden in the shed, he starts to fear that his dad might be Clovehitch, an infamous serial killer that was never caught. Tyler teams up with Kassi, a teenage outcast who’s morbidly obsessed with the Clovehitch legend, to discover the truth in time to save his family.”

Porn is disturbing and a religious town isn’t? Seems they got their priorities out of whack. They probably should let Clovey get in there and straighten everyone out.

THE PRODIGY (February 8, 2019)
“Pulling from The Omen and The Bad Seed, the feature tells the story of a young mother who, concerned about her 8-year-old son’s disturbing behavior, thinks something supernatural may be affecting him.”

Pulling from The Omen (1976) and The Bad Seed (1956)? How about bold-face ripping off? And just so we’re clear here, disturbing behavior is what 8-year-old kids do for a living. If you own and operate one of those things, expect it to continue for at least another 10 years.

THE FINAL WISH (2018/2019)
“Aaron is struggling lawyer who returns home following the passing of his father to help his devastated mother and confront his past demons. Sifting through his father’s belongings, Aaron stumbles upon an Urn which is far more than it seems. As his desires and wishes start coming true, Aaron thinks his prayers have been answered until he learn the sinister price that comes with THE FINAL WISH.”

A can of beer has pretty much the same effect. And when you’re wishes run out, BUY ANOTHER CAN OF BEER. This isn’t rocket science, people.

THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA (April 19, 2019)
“Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm. Their only hope to survive La Llorona’s deadly wrath may be a disillusioned priest and the mysticism he practices to keep evil at bay, on the fringes where fear and faith collide.”

There’s been about a dozen takes on the La Llorona Mexican folklore, which is about the ghost of a woman, who lost her children, cries while looking for them in the river, often causing bad luck/headaches for anyone who hears her spectral bellyaching. Note to ghost moms — the river is not a good babysitter.

Jewish Horror, Erotic Horror, Photocopied Horror

If you’re a fan of fringe art, hard to find a better place than G1988, a kick ass art gallery in Los Angeles (7308 Melrose Ave.) They do theme shows all the time, featuring groovy cool works from indie artists. Their latest show — and a returning one at that — is Product Placement artwork inspired by fictitious items from movies and TV. (They had me at Product Placement.)

Contributing artists for this one includes Blain Hefner and his brilliant take on Halloween, James Olstein’s kitschy spin on Batman, and Ryan Hungerford’s killer Captain Spaulding (from House of 1000 Corpses/2003) famous fried chicken. And if this all wasn’t cool enough, you can actually buy prints of these must-have artfulness.

I’m gonna have to buy a couple as the only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. (Old joke, but it still cracks me up.) Before you click on over to gallery1988.com to browse through their insanely amazing art pieces, here are a few now just released/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be suitable for framing…

THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN JACK (available now)
“The sleepy seaside town of England is about to learn the true meaning of vengeance. As the residents gear up for the annual Halloween celebration, little do they know that their seemingly perfect town masks a guilty secret. One year earlier a group of vigilantes took matters into their own hands when notorious criminal Jack Cain escaped conviction. After torturing and killing Cain, they buried his body in the local cornfield and made a pact to never speak his name again. Now, on the day when the veil between the living and dead is at its thinnest, a mysterious apparition begins stalking the land and dishing out brutal retribution to the vigilante group. So begins the Legend of Halloween Jack.”

Freddy Krueger should sue Halloween Jack for jackin’ the Elm Street horror icon’s intellectual property. And this take on the plot is as uninspired as his burlap suit. (Burlap doesn’t coordinate with anything except potatoes.)

AMERICAN FRIGHT FEST (available now)
“Blood runs rampant on Halloween night when a small town’s Fright Fest becomes real inside the walls of a long abandoned asylum. Spencer Crowe, a former A-List horror director — long past his prime, having been in and out of rehab several times — gets a second chance at his career when he’s given the opportunity to produce a local Fright Fest.”

And this guy is ripping off Leatherface, what with the chainsaw and mangled face mask. How come nobody uses a weed wacker as a weapon of choice? Those things can make serious welts on your ankles and shins.

THE HOUSE OF VIOLENT DESIRE (available now)
“In a remote hill top mansion, a mysterious stranger emerges from a thunderstorm in the night, seeking refuge with the Whipley family; four young adults ruled by their strict religious mother, and their troubled father, who has vanished the previous night. But perhaps the ‘stranger’ is more connected to this family and to the dark unknown history of the house than they could ever suspect, and as the visitor begins to cultivate sexual tensions and paranoia within the house, the devilishly erotic history of the Whipley family threatens to lure them deep into its lustful, violent madness once again.”

The House of Violent Desire. Sounds like a cool name for a dive bar.

HANUKKAH (2018)
“Obediah Lazarus is the son of Judah Lazarus, the original Hanukiller. In 1983, Judah terrorized NY for seven nights and was preparing to sacrifice his eight-year-old son, Obediah, on the eighth night. Judah was convinced it was God’s will, like Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice his only son to God. Luckily for Obediah, police tracked Judah down and stopped the sacrifice, but Judah was gunned down in the process. Warped by hatred with no guidance, Obediah Lazarus becomes a religious extremist, intolerant of non-Jews, ‘bad Jews’, and those he perceives to be enemies of the Jewish faith. He is about to unleash eight nights of horror. A group of Jewish teens are getting ready to party for the holidays, but are in for a Festival of Frights. With the help of a wise Rabbi, they deduce that the murder victims have violated Judaic law and that their only chance at survival is to embrace their faith.”

Oy veh — a Jewish slasher film! The plot, though, reminds me of an old joke: 

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

Comedy gold, I tell you.

Dream Guardian

In A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: Dream Master (1988), several survivors of supernatural killer Freddy Krueger’s last death rodeo got out of Westin Hills Hospital and are attending high school like normal teens with severe social issues.

Kristen, one of the made-it-out-alive’rs, is starting to have bad dreams again, starring the Frank Sinatra of Slash. Freddy’s back to sever ties with his former friends, and pops up after a dog pees on his buried bones. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

Sir Krueger later makes the rounds via a naked chick inside a possessed waterbed (you’d think that’d be dumb, but it actually isn’t) and a Roach Motel™ (one of the funnier sequences).

Kristen is the last child of Elm Street — and Freddy, gorging on gleeful killings, needs her to find more kids for him to kill. Hey, a job is a job in this economy. Kristen invokes her New Age friend Alice by screaming (yeah, made sense to me, too), and now Alice, using the previously invoked Dream Master spell, takes Freddy down (yeah, made sense to me, too).

Turns out Alice is the Guardian of Good Dreams (gimme a break) and is the ONLY ONE who can release the tortured souls of Freddy’s victims. Either I got lost in the middle of this mess, or the movie writers did. At least Freddy was fun to watch dispatch teenagers. It’s always nice to see someone enjoy what they do for a living.

Vinyl Horror, Mix ’n Match Predators, Slaves To Evil

If you have some loose bus change totaling $169.99 jingling around in your britches, you may want to click on over to HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com to pre-order their case set of miniature vinyl horror movie icons to put on various shelves and/or tabletops in the place you change (and hopefully wash) said britches.

Each of these cooler than heck collectibles is 3 1/4” tall and are bendable into different poses. For instance, the possessed Regan doll (The Exorcist/1973) could be bent over to reenact projective vomiting. Other characters include multiple versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Pennywise (1990 version). These dolls can be purchased separately, but why? Pre-order all of ‘em now as they’re arriving July, 2018. 

And while you’re clearing your shelves of unread books/plastic bowling trophies to make room for ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be collectible…

PRED4TOR (2018)
“From the outer reaches of space to the small-town streets of suburbia, the hunt comes home in Shane Black’s explosive reinvention of the Predator series. Now, the universe’s most lethal hunters are stronger, smarter and deadlier than ever before, having genetically upgraded themselves with DNA from other species. When a young boy accidentally triggers their return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled science teacher can prevent the end of the human race.”

Already e-blogged about this prior, though I can’t recall when as I’ve been distracted by…pizza. So this is the latest key art and official plot — Predators swapping DNA spit in the shower with other species. You have my attention. Note to Predators: If it doesn’t involve probing or the touching of the swimsuit area, I would like to be genetically-upgraded so that I, too, may join your social club.

THE DARK (2018)
“Undead and hating it, young flesh-eater Mina haunts the woods surrounding her childhood home. When she befriends a physically abused boy, she must figure out why, for once, she isn’t feeling homicidal.”

Interesting spin on the zombie theme. I bet Mina eats the abused boy’s parents. And I hope she burps/farts as loud as the horns of humanity after finishing her meal. Parents or others who abuse kids should get even worse punishment than being digested and crapped out by a zombie.

THRESHOLD (2018)
“A group of graduating college seniors find themselves stuck in the spooky residence of the college President after a graduation party. The house changes as they move through it, no passage leading the same way twice. They soon discover the house is a labyrinth, and at its center is an ancient monster of mythology. As they are eaten one by one, they learn they are part of a ritual and must find their way out of the house by solving the maze if they are going to survive.”

It’s said that Threshold’s monster is a Minotaur, a creature half man, half bull. So does he sleep in a bed or a barn? I bet he’d be king of the rodeo at those county fair bull-riding contests.

SATAN’S SLAVES (2017/Indonesia – 2018/US)
“A record-breaking box-office hit upon release, Joko Anwar’s affectionate remake of 1980’s Pengabdi Setan is one of horror cinema’s recent triumphs: an atmospheric, expertly-shot roller-coaster ride of a haunted house film, inspired as much by Indonesian folklore as by retro genre classics.”

Slashfilm.com has this to say about that: “A Quiet Place and Hereditary have already been dubbed 2018’s scariest films to beat, but you can add Satan’s Slaves to that list now – the most horrifying film of 2018 you haven’t heard of yet.” With that kind of endorsement, it kinda makes your mouth start slobbering all on its own. Better wear a plastic shirt (and possibly pants) when I go see it. Heck, might as well buy a wet suit.