Archive for meatloaf

Rayning Blood

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodrayne

In Bloodrayne (2005), Rayne, a half-chick/half-vampire is liberated from a carnival freak show (spelled “carnaval” for authenticity sake), so she may continue on her quest to stab her father in the face for killing her mother.

Bloodrayne

Dad just happens to be King of the Undead and is seeking three talismans – an ashtray, lucky mood ring and a can opener – to complete the ritual that will make him a super vampire. (OK, so he actually needs an eye, a rib bone and the heart of an ancient vampire.)

Bloodrayne

Assisting Rayne are three vampire hunters who have a stronghold called Brimstone where they train and perfect vampire hunting techniques, like chest stabbing, stomach stabbing, and the all important face stabbing.

The plot stalls halfway in with a pointless and cheesy appearance by Meatloaf (they should call him Hamloaf) as a decadent vampire with a chamber full of naked chicks and a house full of party guests that partake of the refreshments (human kegs).

Bloodrayne

Limp but gory fight scenes happen every nine minutes, linked by overly complex sub-plots and clunky dialogue (“My companion seems to be missing; I do not know what has become of him…”)

Bloodrayne

The grand battle at the end with Rayne about to be dissected by Kragan is splendidly graphic in its goriness. This is good. The acting, not so good. Best part: EVERYBODY dies, except Rayne, who should give up hunting vampires while striking fashion runway poses and go back to work at the circus.

Bloody Good Punch

Posted in Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Punch

Blood Punch. Sounds like something you’d drink at a Slayer fondue party. In actuality, it’s a horror movie with some gnarly violent violence. This one dates back to Fall of 2013, but I can’t remember that year, let alone how this blood punch stain got on my shirt. (Must’ve been a crazy good fondue party.)

Blood Punch finally comes out on DVD/VOD September 1st, 2015. Exclusive DVD material includes deleted scenes, outtakes and test footage. Extras seem like padding or “meatloaf filler” to me.

Anyway, here’s the get down: “Blood Punch is a bloody thriller, centered on a murderous love triangle that takes a shocking and grisly supernatural turn. Milton, a brilliant chemistry student breaks out of court-mandated drug rehab with a mysterious bad girl, Skyler.”

Blood Punch

“Looking to recruit a cook for a one-day drug score, she lures him to an isolated cabin with her psychotic and trigger-happy boyfriend Russell. Russell reveals he plans to murder Milton as soon as he is finished cooking the drugs, and their simple love triangle quickly descends into a mind-blowing supernatural cycle of carnage and mayhem with no end…and no escape.”

Drugs are stupid. Beer, or “smart water,” is the only path need taken.

For all intents, Blood Punch is a hit. (Heh.) It won the Dark Matters Award at the Austin Film Festival, it scored Best Director and Best Feature at the Hoboken Film Festival, and has walked with no less than seven additional Audience and Best Feature awards.

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Haunted House On A Haunted Hill

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return to House on Haunted Hill

Sarah, the sister of a magazine editor chick, was the only living survivor from the blood jamboree at the Vanacutt Mansion in House on Haunted Hill (1999), which was a remake of the far superior 1959 version. Sarah kept a diary, detailing her experiences with undead demonic forces. (Wonder what she said about me in it?) Then she dies. At first it’s thought she committed suicide, but as it turns out, nope.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

An art collector seeks the ridiculously evil Baphomet statue inside the abandoned mansion/insane asylum where unnecessary medical procedures were performed on patients without their written consent.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

So a gang of thugs shoots the sister in the hair and steals her journal, which holds clues as to the statue’s whereabouts. Meanwhile, an archaeological college professor and the dead girl’s sister and boyfriend go to the mansion to recover the same exact statue. How’s that for a coincidence?

Return to House on Haunted Hill

But the criminals have guns, so they have the upper hand and… Not so fast – the ghosts have sealed up the mansion and wanna play “1-2-3 Your Limbs Belong To Me” with their uninvited guests. Mind you, this is a totally dumbass stretch to get people back into the mansion. But I’m usually open-minded when it comes to vengeful ghosts tearing off body parts. Think in terms of Gumby being made of meatloaf with LOTS of ketchup, or “catsup”.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

The ghost of Dr. Vanacutt keeps showing up, as do his angry patients. The idea, though, is to avoid them while hunting for Baphomet. It’s discovered that if the statue is taken outside of the building, flowers will thus grow, the sun will shine and puppies will no longer get run over by 18-wheel trucks.

Return to House on Haunted Hill

Bonus: ALL the chicks in this movie are spookily gorgeous. But because of the less-than-substantial plot and ghosts that weren’t as freaky/mean as in the first movie, Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007) only reaches a simmer in an evil saucepan on afterlife’s stove. OK, I don’t know what that means, but felt it was a cool metaphor nonetheless.