Archive for Mariana Trench

Gas Station Horror, Amoral Aliens, Slasher Sex

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The problem is you’ve watched all the new horror movie crap and are left holding the colostomy bag. But what if you could access horror’s dark underbelly? Specifically, obscure horror titles released on VHS (super-sized cassettes) that you’d only find on off-brand gas station video shelves? The Terror Vision Video Club is now here to complete you with deliciously lurid Z-grade horror that were once thought lost to the sands of time/discount bins.

A subscription model, TTVVC is brightening our TV screens with such bottom of the bowl jewels as WNUF Halloween Special, Norway, Killing Spree, Love & Saucers, Video Violence 1&2, and Blood, Guts, Sunshine and Santa Claws. But such treasures don’t come cheap. You’ll have to cough up $225 though, to be granted keys to the kingdom. And heck, you can join at any time (click here) and receive the next 10 Terror Vision home video titles as they are released.

But wait, there’s more: You’ll pay a discounted amount instead of the regular retail price for the Blu-rays/UHDs. You’ll be guaranteed a slipcover of each release. You’ll receive a Terror Vision Video Club t-shirt. You will get a login to the Terror Vision Club wholesale page where you can buy other TV products for cheap, such as merch, cassettes, vinyl records, and other goodies. And with the wholesale page login perk, you will NOT pay for shipping domestically. It doesn’t get sweeter than this.

So while we’re waiting for TTVVC to anoint our unworthy eyeballs with Attack of the Killer Refrigerator and Happy Hell Night, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a gas station discount bin…

FLAMING EARS / November 18, 2022 (Theaters/VOD)

Flaming Ears is a pop sci-fi lesbian extravaganza set in the year 2700 in the fictional burned-out city of Asche that follows the tangled lives of three women. Spy is a comic book artist whose printing presses are burned down by Volley, a sexed-up pyromaniac. Seeking revenge, Spy goes to the lesbian club where Volley performs every night. Before she can enter, Spy gets into a fight and is left wounded in the streets. She is found by Nun, an amoral alien in a red plastic suit with a predilection for reptiles, who also happens to be Volley’s lover.” 

Almost sounds like a set up for an epic joke: “A comic book artist, a sexed-up pyromaniac and an amoral alien walk into a lesbian club…” You can take it from here. (Keep it nice.)

CANDY LAND / January 6, 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A naive and devout young woman finds herself cast from a religious cult. With no place to turn, she immerses herself in the underground world of truck stop sex workers, aka, “lot lizards.”

Despite the unashamed baring of boobies, this one is described as being more of a traditional horror slasher movie than something you’d pay hard-earned quarters to watch on coin-operated viewing machines in pornography establishments.

THE MEG 2: THE TRENCH Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

No official plot yet, but here’s a swing at it: A Megalodon (xxxxlg shark), ascending from the sewer depths of the Mariana Trench, goes topside and makes Happy Meals™ out of human floaties. That sounds about right. 

AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM / December 25, 2023 (Theaters)

Aquaman forges an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to save Atlantis and the rest of the planet.”

A teaser plot, though it’s possible there’s more to it than just saving Atlantis (who cares?) and the rest of the planet (no one cares). Suffice to say, after Aquaman (2018), there’s likely to be even more tuna, more Free Willys and (wait for it)…more murder clams! If that’s the case, I hereby pledge all my sand dollars to see it. 

Ski-Rex

Posted in Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Poseidon Rex

Even as much as creature DNA swapping horror movies suck (Sharktopus/2010 instantly comes to mind), these mega cheesy quickies with digital monsters so lame they couldn’t cut it in video games from 1990 somehow manage to become guilty pleasures all the same. (Thank you, beer, for making me even more easily entertained.)

Poseidon Rex

Take the latest God cocktail: Poseidon Rex (2013), or “P-Rex,” which makes an aquatic hybrid out of a presumed extinct tyrannosaurus rex. Awaken the monster via a limp plot about divers searching for lost treasure, cut him loose on some vacationing bikinis and you’ve got yourself another SyFy Channel™ floater.

Titanosaurus

A creature like Poseidon Rex, though, is nothing new. In fact, a land/sea multi-tasking beastie named Titanosaurus has been around since 1975, making his big scream debut in Terror of MechaGodzilla. Titanosaurus can breathe under and on top of the water, has a roar that sounds like a trumpet firmly submerged in your Mariana Trench, and has been known to kick Godzilla in the nadzillas.

Poseidon Rex

Titanosaurus has been around nearly 40 years. Let’s see how long Poseidon Rex can hold his breath. In the meantime, don’t hold yours.