Archive for X-Files

Yule Goat, Ghost Motor Lodge, Spectral Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you wanna send out Christmas or “holiday” cards that really stand out among the sea of seasonal throat gagging Hallmark™ sappy crap, then you need a set or two of these fantastical Creepy Christmas greeting cards (5”x7” with red envelopes) from the fantastically talented Mister Sam Shearon. Why have Santa, Christmas trees, elves and those “why won’t they just go away?” Nutcracker dude depictions when you can have Rabid Rudolph, King Krampus, The Snow Queen, and the Yule Goat?

As featured on Mister Shearon’s website, you can get three different sets of 13 for $25 each, or all three sets combined for $65. I recommend this all-in-one collection because why the stinkin’ heck not? Who wouldn’t want to go to their mailbox and pull out a card that Hell (i.e., you) sent them, with horrifyingly cool depictions of Santa Claws, Gryla, Nuuttipukki (the great black goat-man), Mari Lwyd (the haunting horse of Welsh folklore), and Creepy Snowmen? These dreadfully awesome illustrations scream, “Up your chimney, traditional Christmas-y stuff!”

You may recognize Mister Shearon’s work in the rock and metal scene. He’s done art for Slayer, Rob Zombie, Ministry, Rammstein, Filter, HIM and Iron Maiden. He’s also designed cover artwork for The X-Files comic-book series, Judge Dredd, Starhenge and Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. So cool as to be beyond cool. 

While you click this pathway to a better holiday season, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make your seasonal throat gag… 

THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER / December 2, 2022 (Theaters)

“Now a middle-aged adult, Julie hopes to reconnect with her elderly, estranged mother by traveling to a sentimental destination. Their vacation lands them at a hotel, one that contains a mysterious presence.”

Depending on the hotel, the mysterious presence could be anything from a gaudily-uniformed bellboy lurking outside your door for a tip, or a disturbing brownish stain on the vibrating Mattress Barn™ Sleep Innovations Hybrid Pro™.

DREAMS OF DARKNESS / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

“Devastated by the disappearance of his wife, Derek Fabry enters a nightmarish world of the occult, erotic evil, and supernatural seduction as he tries to unravel the mystery of her vanishing.”

The words “erotic evil” and “supernatural seduction” aren’t what most of us would associate with being nightmarish. More like a Happy Hour for the open-minded. Or a back seat date with any of the last call gals at the Tug Tavern.

CRAVING / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug deal goes south, four heroin addicts barricade themselves in a bar as the cops close in. Withdrawal sets in, further complicating their hostage situation, while a secret one of them is hiding could destroy them all.”

Heroin addicts barricading themselves in a bar? Wouldn’t in make more sense to hole up in a pharmacy? People who do ILLEGAL drugs are DUMB.

INSIDIOUS: THE DARK REALM / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“Ten years after he first ventured into the Further, Josh Lambert heads east to drop his son Dalton off at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly resurface.”

I’ve been to the Upside Down, but not the Further. Too far away. And Uber™ charges twice the regular rate to take you there. Best just to hitchhike to the Tug Tavern and call it a day. P.S. Conflictingly, this is also titled Insidious: Fear of the Dark. This has shattered my belief system in the Internet right in half.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Batgirl

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

Ruby Rose

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl

Aliens At The Pentagon

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

Haunted

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

Godzilla: The Planet Eater

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

Pet Sematary

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Art Bell

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

Art Bell

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

Art Bell

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: Angels Vs. Zombies

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

Along With The Gods

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

House on Elm Lake

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

Future World

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Canadian Alien

Posted in Aliens, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Infected

Infected (2008), a genre derivative Canadian television adventure/science-fiction thriller, is also known as They’re Among Us and The Hatching. Stinkweed by any other name is still stinkweed.

Infected

An X-Files re-dux, which also borrows heavily from Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), a newspaper reporter and his ex-girlfriend (also a reporter, who won’t put it on the glass for him anymore), uncover an extraterrestrial plan to take over human bodies so that aliens can live more comfortably on this toilet Earth.

Infected

Most of Infected is spent running, hiding, and uncovering proof of the colonization. What little pay-off there is comes in the form of a naked humans wrapped in sheets that probably won’t be able to be cleaned and kept under alien sedation in a facility that looks suspiciously like my proctologist’s office.

Infected

Once the aliens have been outed their true selves emerge, looking like a cross between a lobster and black. The reporter risks his neck to save his ex, who previously did not want to put it on the glass for him anymore. But it’s amazing how alien intervention can mend broken glass.

So does Infected end happily for the aliens or the humans? I am beyond caring. 

Ghosts That Give You Static

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 17, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

White Noise

Jonathan Rivers’ (played by Michael Keaton/Batman) new wife gets suspiciously killed right after she tells him she’s pregnant. All consuming grief ensues. Soon thereafter a fat guy comes to Rivers and tells him the deceased wife has been trying to make contact via white noise. (That’s the sound that comes out of most loud women’s mouths).

The man, like me, is an expert on EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), meaning that when a TV channel is set to one of those stations that isn’t broadcasting a televised signal, voices and even images can be heard and seen in MTV-edit snippets.

White Noise

Recorded and freeze-framed, sure enough, Rivers’ wife pops up for a second with a message Jonathan can’t decipher. Her hair looks nice, though. So he buys a bunch of electronic equipment, a bunch of TV sets and recorders and does nothing but sit mindlessly in front of the tube all day. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

White Noise

Soon, more communications from beyond start coming through. But not all of them are from nice ghosts. There are three gnarly dead things (probably Republicans) that are making people do stuff they more than likely wouldn’t do, like swan dive off of hi-rise apartment balconies.

White Noise

Rivers has to start assembling clues given by his dead wife’s transmissions and sets out to rescue somebody she keeps urging him to save. (She probably told him to take out the trash as well, but that’s in the director’s cut.)

White Noise

White Noise (2005) feels like an extended X-Files episode and kinda starts to go into cool spooky areas. But the last 15 minutes swamp the boat, with the evil trio, commanding a serial killer to do their bidding (the same killer who did in Rivers’ wife), pop out and do a second-rate goofy Casper routine.

Even if you haven’t seen White Noise, you already know how this ultimately ends. And all we’re left with is a bunch of static.