Unused Worms, Skulking Skinwalkers, Halloween Miscreants

Tremors is a movie about giant, sightless worm-y creatures called Graboids that live underground and can find and swallow you whole you when they sense you stomping around. (Hear that, lead-footed upstairs neighbor?) It came out in 1990 and spawned six sequels and a 13-episode TV series back in March of 2003. I watched all of them, because that’s what I do.

The poster art for the movie was an homage to Jaws (see below). But legendary master artist Drew Struzan worked up two concepts that were never used. Here are his mock ups — I added the typography from the original poster so you can see how it might’ve looked, with apologies to Sir Struzan for taking such audacious liberties with his art.

You’ve seen Struzan’s work for decades, but probably didn’t know it. He’s done tons of illustrations for movies (Back To The Future, Big Trouble In Little China, Hellboy, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, The Thing, The Goonies, Indiana Jones, the Harry Potter franchise, and more), as well as art for U.S. stamps, The Legends of Hollywood and Alice Cooper’s Welcome To My Nightmare (1975) cover art. So yeah, at the very least he should be given sainthood.

So while we all walk a little more softly so we don’t get consumed by those stinkified Graboid monsters, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong underground surrounded by giant worms…

FOREST OF DEATH / Out now (VOD)

“As friends settle down in their remote cabin for a relaxing weekend, a skinwalker prowls outside, waiting to strike. The friends quickly realize that their carefree getaway has turned into a nightmare. As the night wears on, they must face the horror stalking them and fight for their lives.”

A skinwalker is a harm-intending shapeshifter that can turn itself into an animal and walk (and sometimes dance) on all fours. This can easily be achieved by drinking a case of Steel Reserve™. 

WICKED GAMES / April 18, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“When Harley joins her boyfriend for a Halloween weekend at his family’s estate, they’re invaded by a band of masked freaks and forced into playing a game. But the intruders don’t know that Harley is ready to fight back with her own tricks.”

Lots of people wear masks on Halloween. That’s no reason to call them freaks, you insensitive b-holes.

THE LAST BOY ON EARTH / Release pending 2023/2024

“In a distant future, an enigmatic boy becomes the central figure in the search for a new hope. Who is this kid? Why is everyone looking for it? Sometimes it is better not to know certain answers.”

There are kids in the future? Crap.

INNER CHILD / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“College freshman Cassie deals with the aftermath of cutting ties with her toxic family. Cassie has been battling with a lot of self-doubts with her choices; however, it is this same reoccurring nightmare every morning that keeps her on edge. When this particular nightmare becomes too real, taking over her physically, she reaches out to her therapist, Dr. Reid. Cassie hopes to find some answers and put an end to her night terrors.”

My reoccurring nightmare every morning is having to get up.

Swapping DNA In The Shower

In Species IV: The Awakening (2007), Miranda is a supermodel quality college teacher whose alien DNA is getting restless. This means the human part of her will die and the pointy-haired alien part will come out and transform her into an H.R. Giger painting.

Her “uncle,” a scientist, is to blame. Miranda was a lab EZ-Bake Oven™ that he used to marinade her human goo with a concoction of extraterrestrial DNA strands. It worked. But she doesn’t know it yet.

A trip to the hospital to find out why she’s been blacking out results in the death of the entire staff via a long, stabby tongue that shoots out of her mouth. Time for that trip to Mexico, for three reasons. One, to escape the law. Two, to meet up with his old science partner to see if he can help stop the transformation. And three, good exchange rate on the dollar.

Forbes McGuire, no longer a practicing U.S. lab guy, has been plying his new trade: clones of dead pets and relatives. He mixes just enough alien DNA with the DNA of whatever he wants to clone, and bingo, insta-copies! He even made himself an overnight slumber party pal with Azura, a mega-hot alien gal.

Miranda, though, is dying and while a DNA stem cell swap with a Mexican hooker appeared promising, it only made matters complicado.

Miranda, driven to date, mate and annihilate, occasionally drops top and sticks her tongue in potential date’s ears. Problem is, it comes out the other ear.

All this happy stuff leads to a showdown between both alien chicks. This is done in the dark, which is incredibly annoying. Build to the big scene and then turn off the lights. Smooth move, Ex-Lax™. Uncle F*ck Up has to make things right and blows the place to confetti. He should’ve done that at the beginning of the flick, because the sex is G-rated, the boobs not nearly plentiful enough (although Miranda is a perfect 10 on any planet), and the premise about as believable as my last lie detector test.

Die Diary

If a leather bound notebook dropped out of the sky and plopped on the ground in front of you, and had the power to kill anybody just by writing their name in it, would you pick it up? Yeah, me too. 

Light Yagami, a brilliant college student, happens across said notebook (which comes with instructions) and, after watching the news and getting fed up with all the criminals getting away with murder, decides it’s time for a new society, one free of killers and stinkiness. The irony being that he becomes a murderer himself in order to create a Utopian society.

Any guilt goes away quick as Light takes out criminal after criminal with just the stroke of his pen. If he doesn’t specify, the victims instantly die from heart attacks. (As he later learns, he can control the time, type and method of the deaths — all from the comfort of his bedroom in the home he shares with his family.)

The police are baffled to the point of pulling each other’s hair out. But a mysterious voice comes over the computer, calling itself “L.” This voice belongs to someone who, through sheer deductive logic, narrows down the path to the killer, whom the media has dubbed “Kira.”

In order to get Kira to tip his hand, they plant a nationwide broadcast, with the head of police warning Kira that he’s just as bad as the killers he’s been killing, and that they’re closing in on him. Light, watching from home, writes the guy’s name down and kills him on live TV. Joke’s on you — it was a criminal they hired to play a police chief. Now “L” has another vital clue that the police themselves can’t seem to fit together.

Where things get freakier is when Ryuk, the God of Death, shows up to watch what happens (he was the one who planted the Death Note in the first place). This guy is 15-feet tall, has sprawling bat wings, punk rock hair, black leather boots, motorcycle boots, sharp fangs, white face, and huge bug eyes… (He pretty much looks any one of a dozen European death metal bass players.) 

GoD floats around and eats apples instead of souls (fruit is healthier for you), and is only visible to those who’ve touched the Death Note. In a sharp twist, Light’s dad, a police detective, is put on the case. What happens when all these elements come together is mind-boggling.

It’s a wrenching battle of CSI wits, with “L” turning out to be something you wouldn’t think was worthy of the 12th letter of the alphabet, and it becomes a game of intense cerebral chess as Light expertly sets up “L” and vice versa. And Ryuk, has a ringside seat. Of course, that’s to be expected from a Shinigami, an extra-dimensional being who extends his life via the extinction of others.

You won’t know where Death Note (2006) is going or how it will end unless you’ve read the manga (graphic novel) and/or watched the anime (cartoon). Even afterward, you’re still not sure who to side with. Needless to say, an intelligent and brain-gripping crime horror throw-down — with apples.

P.S. Watch the more graphic U.S. version of Death Note (2017) on Netflix™. It’ll make you stream in your pants.

Super Batman

Full disclosure: Never actually saw the whole Super Batman vs. Mazinga (1990) movie  as it was playing on a TV screen in an independently-owned and operated video store. I watched it for about an hour before they kicked me out for not buying/renting anything.

From what I was able to ascertain by blocking the aisle is that Super Batman Vs. Mazinga is a Korean kid’s movie starring an Asian version of Batman. He looked cheesily awesome and with more colors than his US counterpart (the ’60s version, not the super cool 2005 Batman Begins version). 

The Koreans got it right by dumping the Joker and the Riddler and having Batman battle unlawful werewolves and criminally-intent aliens. That was/is quite excellent. And he does this not with a Bat-a-Rang™ or help from his festive sidekick Robin, but with amazing martial arts ninja punchings and kicks.

And it didn’t have sub-titles. Who cares? I don’t need words when Batman is punching a werewolf in the hydrant or yanking the tentacles off an alien and beating it with them. Don’t know how it ended, but I’m pretty sure Batman won. I wouldn’t want to know if he didn’t as that would seriously make me distraught.

Real X-Files, Angels & Zombies, Future Grrrls

Sad to report the April 13, 2018 passing of Art Bell, 72, one of the paranormal’s iconic advocates. Host of the globally-popular Coast To Coast AM late night radio show for twenty years, Art’s show was a seriously presented forum for all things paranormal, demonic, ghostly, cryptid, crop circle-y and all around monsterific. And while Art’s charismatic deep voice and dry delivery wasn’t enough, his callers’ supernatural stories and UFO sightings were the stuff custom made for ratings.

So popular was his radio show, he was syndicated in 500 markets in the U.S. and Canada. (Canada, by the way, is where all things paranormal were born, no doubt fueled by Moosehead beer.) Radio DJ Alan Stock described Art’s show as being “like a Disneyland for sci-fi.” Coast To Coast AM still broadcasts with the super cool George Noory at the mic. (He also regularly appears on the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.)

So here’s to you, Art Bell — thank you for being the legendary voice for the real X-Files. And while you can hear archived shows on YouTube™, here are a few just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that might’ve been right at home on Coast To Coast AM…. 

AVZ: ANGELS VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“At the end of days seven archangels arrive to deliver us from evil. Get ready for the resurrection, the dead will rise.”

Never understood the term “archangel.” Does that mean they have osteoporosis? So angels doing battle with zombies. Seems like everybody wants to take a swing at the undead these days. Heck, God’s delivery sycophants have battled everything from Bigfoot to aliens to even other angels. (Angels are like the Amazon Prime™ of religion.) be double awesome if someone would come up with AVS: Angels vs. Sharktopus.

ALONG WITH THE GODS: THE TWO WORLDS (available now)
“Ja-hong, a firefighter, is taken to the afterlife by three guardians, where only after passing seven trials and proving he lived a noble life will he be able to reincarnate.”

Guess if firefighter Ja-hong is in the afterlife, he must not have been that good at his day job. And who wants to reincarnate? Being back on this toilet Earth is the last place I’d wanna return policy. Except my favorite bar, which I coincidentally call “the afterlife.”

HOUSE ON ELM LAKE (available now)
“A couple and their young daughter move into a lake house that remained unsold due to the brutal, ritualistic murder of a family years ago. Soon, they realize that a dormant evil has awakened, a possessive force that has preyed on unsuspecting families like theirs for centuries.”

A house on Elm Lake? Is this Freddy Krueger’s Airbnb™? If I was dormant evil and lived on a lake, I’d wake up, goon out a few ducks and make splishy splash happen. And I’d do it in a Speedo™, you know, just to up the horror factor.

FUTURE WORLD (May 25, 2018)
“Inside a desert oasis, a queen lays dying as her son Prince travels across barren waste lands to find a near-mythical medicine to save her life. After evading violent raiders on motorbikes led by the Warlord and his enforcer, Prince meets Ash, the Warlord’s robot sex companion-assassin who’s in search of her own soul. As Prince is captured by the Druglord, the Warlord’s forces roar in — and Prince fights to save the remnants of humanity.”

The trailer makes this look like a Road Warrior (1981) knock-off, but with lots more riot grrrls. Maybe they should call it Mad Maxine. The drool-worthy Milla Jovovich stars and still looks a sexy fresh as she did in the Resident Evil (2002) six-movie franchise, where she got more attractive with each consecutive sequel. I bet she eats a lot of preservatives. Heh.

Barnyard Nazi Demon

Evan thought his older brother was dead, something his aging dad seems to hold against him. What a dick. If dad knew that Victor, who disappeared while on a hunting trip in backwoods West Virginia, was still alive, he might not be so hard on the 20-something boy, who carries his brother’s “death” around like a bag of guilt cannonballs.

When Victor unexpectedly turns up a few years later with bloody scars all over his body, well hey — time to celebrate. Except don’t hug him, as the wounds are still kinda fresh.

Victor had been kidnapped by the Wollners, a German family that’s about 75 years old — even the little girl. The Wollners needed Victor’s blood to keep an occult Nazi, now more demon than misguided military man, barely alive and confined in the barn next to a Nazi horse. The Nazi was looking for a runestone that was in the family’s basement and… It factors in, so roll with it.

Victor needs Evan’s help to go back to the farm with hunting rifles for some U.S. styled revenge. And here’s where the aptly-named Blood Creek plows some gloriously gory fields. It’s not enough to shoot the family in the face, No, Victor has a score to settle with the demon in the barn, who, unfortunately gets loose before he can shoot the man-creature in the face.

The Nazi zombie’s horse is also evil and, in one of many classic scenes, gallops into the kitchen and goes all bull in a China shop. Slick carnage, stylized flashbacks, and more split skin than a discount sausage factory. You’ll keep texting yourself “WTF?” as this raw horror unfolds. But don’t text me, as I don’t do texting. I did like Blood Creek (2009), however.

Stylish Snake Hat

In the 1970 horror martial arts flick Devil Woman, the night Manda was born in the Philippines, a freak lightning storm came outta nowhere and somehow transformed the crib rat into “a monster.” (Her dad’s words, not mine, as he saw her and crapped his pants. Neither was shown.)

As Manda gets few years under her head wrap (she’s clearly hiding something besides chronic dandruff), the neighborhood kids taunt her and try to take off the stylish turban. Blocking her in an alley, one kid sticks his hand under Manda’s hat and gets his hand bitten by a snake that was lounging under there. This brands Manda as a monster and she’s tormented relentlessly. Later, when she’s grown up to look like she came from the U.S. even though she was Filipino as a child, Manda vows relentless revenge on her formative years’ taunters.

Those who flaunted their taunts should be visibly shaken — Manda is indeed a monster and has the power to control snakes to do her bidding. This leads to hazardous conditions as the entire village is surrounded by dirt and woods where snakes make their living, a supportive argument for revenge law and demand supply.

Enter a Chinese kung fu master who wears a gold necklace, white V-neck t-shirt and white pants. All he needs is a vertical haircut and he’d be the kung fu master version of Vanilla Ice. His footwear looked like indoor slippers, though. He rescues a young gal, the daughter of a wealthy local dude, from a  gang of hooligans, who work for a gangsta head hooligan. (Full disclosure — he works for Manda.) The kung fu master takes on 20 thugs and kicks all their pants right in the pants. This won’t be the last time he has to deal with these smirking criminals, who mistakenly think there’s strength in numbers.

Manda continues her reptile revenge, killing her tormentors. While this is going on, the kung fu master has six (!) more run-ins with the gang, whose members now count in the 30s. And still, he mops the dirt floor with ‘em. When the local (and single) young gal is kidnapped and brought to the cave where Manda lives (kinda neat — wonder if it has working plumbing?), the master goes to rescue her. He predictably fresh beats the thugs into tenderized pork, jumps and flips over multiples of snakes, and faces off with Manda. It’s here she takes off her hoodie and reveals her hair is not hair at all, but a pile of icky wiggle snakes. (Medusa should file intellectual property infringement.)

Manda controls the snakes by snaking up her eyes and waving her hands in front of her, as if slowly washing an invisible window. This is ironic as most windows are already invisible. The master flings sharpened Popsicle sticks at the snakes and acupunctures their heads. Manda, who no doubt maintains heir coiling coif with Ssssalon Selective™ shampoo, falls after being cornered on a rock cliff. We don’t see her splat. This means, of course, sequel city. (Spoiler: It’s titled Bruka: Queen of Evil/1973).

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
“Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

Urban UFOs, Brain Quakes, Serial Killing Seafood

Recently read an interesting article by columnist Cheryl Costa on the Syracuse New Times website listing the Top 25 cities for UFO sightings across the U.S., from 2001— 2015. Phoenix, AZ tops the carts with 929 sightings and Kansas City comes in last at an embarrassing (to the Chamber of Commerce, anyway) 294 reported glimpses of unidentified flying objects. The irony here is that Syracuse doesn’t even make the list. That’s just shameful.

On a happier note, Seattle, home of ME, sits smugly on the list at #3, with 616 sightings. It would’ve been around 700, but the UFO hotline got tired of me calling in every blinking light in the sky. So what if I live by two airports (Boeing Field/Sea-Tac Airport)? Maybe they were planes…or maybe they were extraterrestrial spaceships looking to goof with my brain pan. Still a valid call on my part.

Other UFO hotspot cities include Chicago, Portland, Los Angeles and Manhattan. So if you live in one of those places, keep watching the skies. If you don’t, then don’t. Not up for craning your neck skyward for hours on end? Lower your head to TV level and watch for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies, which, for the most part, are identifiable…

MINDBLOWN (available now/VOD)
“A team of telekinetics — code-named Project Mindblown — has been secretly assembled in a high-tech facility. Their minds have the power to shake the Earth — or bring rain to drought-starved areas. They’ve been told their abilities will be used to do good for humanity. But when evidence suggests that the group has been tricked into causing destruction in U.S. cities, one team member goes rogue, racing against time to uncover a deadly conspiracy.”

Man, it’d be so cool to have the power to make things shake and quake. For instance, you could walk into a glass and ceramics novelty gift shop, fart really loud, and then make the whole room shake an off-balanced washer and/or dryer. Then say something like, “Wow, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that fourth burrito…” Hilarity, I tell you.

TOTEM (October 31, 2017/VOD)
“A teen must resort to extreme measures to protect her family from a supernatural entity.”

Kind of an oxymoron — aren’t teens already supernatural entities? So what extreme measures is this teen gonna resort to? Making body-shaming taunts and posting embarrassing photos of the entity on social media? Or maybe she’ll trick it into smearing itself with glitter lipstick so it’ll look totally uncool at the school dance.

THE ENVELOPE (November 30, 2017/Russia)
“A strange envelope is delivered to an architect bureau by mistake. Igor, a driver, gets the task to bring it to the right address. From that moment his life becomes a string of paranormal events. The cursed letter invades Igor’s life and leads him to a mysterious addressee.”

They’re still naming horror movie characters “Igor”? That’s like giving Tom Cruise the name “Jack” in all his movies. As for the strange envelope, it’s probably a rent increase notice. (Last one I got was covered in frowny-face stickers.)

THE CRESCENT (2017/2018)
“A mother and her toddler son struggle to find spiritual healing after an unexpected death in the family. All the while, a mysterious force from the sea threatens to tear their souls apart.”

I bet you anything the mysterious force from the sea is a clam. Those things are loaded with terror. When you crack one open, it either looks like an alien face-hugger or a freshly blown nose. Or both.

Fear of Zombies, Ghosts, Haunted Houses and Refrigerators

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I saw the Babadook again in the bathroom at the Maha (a local bar I hang out in). Given that the men’s room is basically a portal to Hell, I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t the Babadook, it’s probably some sort of Pee Demon from the Seven Layers of Urine Splattered Purgatory.

While I complain to the management, here are some upcoming horror and/or sci-fi to help loosen your bladder…

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 3 (June 3, 2017)
“The families will be brought together in the vibrant and violent ecotone of the U.S.-Mexico border. International lines done away with following the world’s end, the characters must attempt to rebuild not only society, but family as well.”

Abandoned this one right after season one. Was unable to get into the extremely obnoxious characters and situations. That sounds like an oxymoron given the bars I frequent. That, and bar zombies are far more scarier than the ones in FWD. So, will I pick it up again and give it another chance, or will I keep making pithy, low brow comments on it? I think we all know the answer here.

BLOOD DRIVE (June 14, 2017)
“Los Angeles in the near future: where water is as scarce as oil and climate change keeps the temperature at a cool 115 degrees in the shade. It’s a place where crime is so rampant that only the worst violence is punished and where Arthur Bailey — the city’s last good cop — runs afoul of the dirtiest and meanest underground car rally in the world, Blood Drive. The master of ceremonies is a vaudevillian nightmare, the drivers are homicidal deviants, and the cars run on human blood.”

Cars that run on blood has been done before with 2007’s Blood Car. The rest of this plot snacks liberally on 1975’s Death Race 2000 and GTA. So why should anyone watch Blood Drive? I’m thinkin’ for driving tips.

HUSH (2017/2018)
“Siblings Jackson and Angela run a profitable ghost-busting racket, swindling the bereaved with fake detection equipment and Angela’s paranormal ‘visions’. Hired by Mrs. Green to investigate a haunted old foster home, the team uncover its terrifying past: young girls brutally slaughtered, mouths stitched shut, silenced by a sadistic killer. And Angela’s on the edge — sleepless, strung out and losing her mind, no longer certain what’s actually real and convinced she hears the girls crying out to her from the darkness. But supernatural terrors are the least of their problems when they discover the very real evil lurking in the isolated house.”

Paranormal ghostbusters are fake? All of a sudden I’m feeling very stupid for the $1,000 I paid out to a ghost specialist to exorcise my refrigerator that keeps making noises in the night. Sure, it could be a failing cooling unit, but why take chances? Now that I think about it, I could have easily bought a new fridge and had enough change left over to buy some frozen hot dogs (or “ballpark franks”) for future eating purposes.

THE PREY (2017/2018)
“A platoon of U.S. Soldiers in the middle east become trapped in a cave and as they desperately try to find a way out they are hunted down by a deadly creature.”

Ooh, I hope the creature isn’t one of those nasty sand beavers. I hear those things are nasty.

THE HAUNTING ON LONG ISLAND: THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeo’s weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

Unreal. YET ANOTHER Amityville movie. That makes seven in the last year alone and 20 altogether. Don’t believe me? Click HERE. People, It’s just a tragic real story milked to the bone by Hollywood. I, on the other hand, have a better haunted plot ready to go, written with plenty of angles for sequels. It begins with a possessed refrigerator…