Archive for Shudder

The Whoosh, Demon Rental Agreement, Dracula’s Butler

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flash premiered in North America on October 7, 2014, where the pilot became the second-most watched premiere in the history of The CW, after The Vampire Diaries in 2009. Now, nine seasons later, The Flash is ending its run (heh), starting on February 8, 2023. Sorry to see it go as I’ve watched every episode since the beginning. For that, you’d think Flash would pose for a selfie with me or sign something I could sell on eBay™, but no. (Never meet your heroes.)

The Flash has gone up against some tough cookies during that time — King Shark, Captain Cold, The Thinker, Grodd, Anti-Monitor, his wife… But in order to give Flash a run for his money, the show featured over a dozen characters who could also scoot boot, including Reverse-Flash, Flashpoint Reverse-Flash, Kid Flash, Jay Garrick/Flash Earth-3, Nazi Flash, Barry Allen Earth-1, Zoom, Black Flash, Trajectory, Jesse Quick, Godspeed, Savitar, Speed Force, Velocity… Some cool names, some dumb names, and a lot of super silly costumes.

Even Flash’s wife Iris had speedster abilities for one episode. And his time-traveling future kids Bart (Kid Flash, Impulse, White Flash) and Norah (XS) inherited their dad’s ability to run to the store and back before the TV commercials were over. As a bonus, Flash and Green Arrow woke up one day with each other’s abilities. (The Flash with Green Arrow’s trademark 5 o’clock shadow looked…uncomfortable.)

So while we say goodbye to one of the better superhero TV series ever made, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you the runs…

DAWN BREAKS BEHIND THE EYES / January 8, 2023 (Shudder™)

Dieter and Margot Menliff, in an unhappy marriage, visit an old castle that Margot has just inherited. When they arrive, Dieter explores the basement, while Margot examines the rest of the castle. Dieter sees something in the cellar that causes him to drop his keys and flee. Margot has a vision in a dusty mirror.”

This one was released in Germany back in the germ-y days of 2021. Sounds really scary if something in the cellar makes you drop your keys. It’d give me flees, too.

SORRY ABOUT THE DEMON / January 19, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After being dumped by his girlfriend Amy, broken hearted Will is offered a massive house at a very low rent. What’s the catch? The restless spirit haunting the place needs a human sacrifice and the prior owners must find one or else their young daughter is toast.”

A human sacrifice in place of a damage deposit? Sounds reasonable.

FAMILY DINNER / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“An overweight teenager spends the holidays at her aunt’s farm in the hope of getting help to lose weight, but soon after her arrival, she begins to suspect that something is very wrong at this place.”

She discovers there are no Dunkin’ Donuts™ in that zip code. Horrifying.

RENFIELD / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

R.M. Renfield was an inmate at a lunatic asylum who was thought to be suffering from delusions but actually is a servant of Dracula. Renfield has been serving the bloodsucker for centuries, and now he has grown sick and tired of his role as Dracula’s lackey. The henchman finds a new lease on life and maybe even redemption when he falls for feisty, perennially angry traffic cop, Rebecca Quincy.”

Not seeing a downside to having Dracula as your employer. First, you could talk to him any time you want. You’d never have to do the dishes and can eat all the bugs you want…for free. Score!

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 26, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Fearful Finger, Angry Villagers, New-Fangled Kaiju

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, paranormal, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

As a kid, watching that scene in Creature of the Black Lagoon (1954) where a geology expedition in the Amazon (the rain forest, not the online retailer that makes $1.5 trillion dollars a month) finds a skeleton of a webbed non-human hand, totally la’gooned me out. If just the hand was that scary, then seeing who it belonged to was surely gonna be a pant-filling moment. And…IT WAS.

To further make mockery of freshly laundered britches comes the Universal Monsters Creature from the Black Lagoon Fossilized Creature Hand Scaled Prop Replica. Coming in July 2023 from Factory Entertainment™, the hand, with an outstretched middle finger (yes, it’s flipping us off), preorders for $79.99. That’s less than a co-pay visit to my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, whose misshapen digits look EXACTLY like that of the Creature. Probably feels like it, too.

From Factory Entertainment™: “The high quality, scaled prop replica of the fossilized creature hand unearthed at the start of 1954’s Creature from the Black Lagoon is a must have for fans! This stunning heavy duty scaled prop replica is molded out of solid metal and features a display stand. Each scaled replica comes in collector packaging. Measures 7” tall x 6” wide x 6” long.” 

While you wait for me to make more jokes about personal space violations, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make you feel uncomfortable as…

SKINAMARINK / January 13, 2023 (Limited), TBD 2023 (Shudder™)

“Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished. To cope with the strange situation, the two bring pillows and blankets to the living room and settle into a quiet slumber party situation. They play well worn videotapes of cartoons to fill the silence of the house and distract from the frightening and inexplicable situation. All the while in the hopes that eventually some grown-ups will come to rescue them. However, after a while it becomes clear that something is watching over them.”

I bet that “something” is Casper the Friendly Skinamarink

DEATH KNOT / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After the death of their estranged mother, two siblings return home and are immediately confronted by angry villagers who claim their mother was a practitioner of a dangerous brand of black magic behind multiple mysterious deaths.”

Villagers historically have anger issues, famously going back to the Salem witch burning days and Victor Frankenstein’s Goth body modifications. And you don’t wanna know the uproar that followed when the “open 24-hours” Village 7-Eleven™ only stayed open 23 hours. Sheer anarchy.

HOSHI 35 / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

MRTS has shared an exclusive first look at their next kaiju film, Hoshi 35. ‘Hoshi’ means ‘star’ in Japanese and, like the English word, has several meanings. The movie, which will use traditional Japanese FX techniques, will be directed by Hiroto Yokokawa.”

This new kaiju is so cool looking, the movie doesn’t need a plot. All it has to do is just stand there for 90 minutes. And maybe stomp on a few Big & Tall™ outlets.

KNIGHTS OF THE ZODIAC / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a goddess of war reincarnates in the body of a young girl, street orphan Seiya discovers that he is destined to protect her and save the world. But only if he can face his own past and become a Knight of the Zodiac.”

Once a goddess of war, always a goddess of war…but once a knight is enough.

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker. Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.

Godzilla Supermodel, Ghost Fashion, Irish Goblins

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Question: Would you pay $585.00 (plus your local municipality tax) for a 17” tall Godzilla statue? Answer: F-word, yeah! Expected to ship in the spring/summer of 2023 (I think that’s next year…I’ll have to do more research), Mondo™ is unveiling the F-word cool Godzilla: Tokyo SOS statue, limited to 600. Before you gasp out loud…FREE SHIPPING! You may gasp out loud now. 

From Mondo’s™ press release: “Based on the amazing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003), this statue captures the brutal battle between Godzilla, Mothra and Kiryu. Godzilla is fully realized with stunning attention to detail including an array of swappable accessories that recreate specific moments from the movie. These include two Mothra larva, three interchangeable lower jaws (open, closed, and eating Mothra leg), two interchangeable heads (one with heat ray attack), and tail tip to which a Mothra larva can attach.” So, like, buy it HERE.

While you contemplate where to display your new art piece (suggestions: family dinner table, hood of your car, Benihana™), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not require two interchangeable heads to watch…

PEREMPUAN BERGAUN MERAH / Out now (VOD)

“Dinda is an introverted student terrorized by a female ghost in a red dress. However, Dinda’s concern for her sister and best friend makes Dinda never give up on solving the mystery she faces, even though her life is threatened. Putra, his friend, always helps Dinda uncover the figure of the woman in the red dress that haunts her.”

A ghost wearing a red dress. Where’d she buy it — Phantom Zone Dress For Less™?

THE FETUS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A couple struggle to learn the truth about the origins of their unborn child – a supernatural entity that emerges from the body.”

A supernatural entity usually emerges from at least one part of the body, typically after a Taco Bell™ Beefy 5-Layer Burrito meal.

UNWELCOME / January 27, 2023 (Shudder™)

“Maya and Jamie escape their urban nightmare of London to the tranquility of rural Ireland only to discover malevolent, murderous goblins lurking in the gnarled, ancient wood at the foot of their new garden. Heavily pregnant, Maya is soon targeted by the goblins and the family she befriended after forgetting to make sure the creatures are fed. What extremes will she go to protect her unborn child?”

I thought Irish goblins were called Leprechauns. Whatever. Goblin is easier to spell. I’ll watch this movie while feeding on…Lucky Charms™.

FEAR THE INVISIBLE MAN / Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Adeline is a young British woman who provides shelter to an old medical school colleague, a man who has somehow turned himself invisible. As his isolation grows and his sanity frays, he schemes to create a reign of wanton murder and terror across the city – and Adeline’s the only one who knows he even exists.”

Which begs the question — how does the Invisible Man take a selfie?

Alien Finger, Devil Theater, Robot Santa

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, a sugary, family “sci-fi” movie, came out in 1982. The starring the Earth-bound “alien,” designed to sell one million billion toys, looked like a carnival plush toy resembling a turd with big sad eyes. And E.T.’s extra-long probing finger, with a glowing light instead of a fingernail, uncomfortably reminds me of my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman. To quote E.T., “Ouuuuch!”

Now, 40 years later, you can own the actual animatronic metal skeleton they made E.T. with, is up for grabs. Here are the details from Julien’s Auctions and TCM Present: Icons and Idols: Hollywood auction: “Headlining this epic event is the E.T. the Extra Terrestrial Hero ‘#1’ mechatronic filming model ‘actor’ that brought the eponymous character to life in Steven Spielberg’s 1982 classic E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (estimate: $2,000,000 – $3,000,000). Pre-dating modern CGI technology and effects, this one-of-a-kind cinematographic relic (constructed in 1981) features 85 points of movement and is regarded as an engineering masterpiece.”

While you decide to bid on this item or engineering your own toilet masterpiece, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not give you turd-like sad eyes…

NANNY / November 23, 2022 (Theaters) / December 16, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“A Senegalese immigrant nanny is working for a privileged couple in NYC. A violent presence invades her reality, threatening the American Dream she is painstakingly piecing together.”

If she’s a nanny, only one thing could be a violent presence — a fully loaded diaper.

DEBBIE AND THE DEVIL / December 9, 2022 (Theaters)

“Sally and Johnny escape a mass shooting and hide out in Mister Red’s (aka, Satan) movie theater where they are shown three horror films, each one involving the Devil’s agents and their victims.”

And Satan even hands out snacks to enjoy during the movie — Red Hots™. Man, that’s comedy gold.

CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS / December 9, 2022 (Theaters, Shudder™)

“It’s Christmas Eve and Tori just wants to get drunk and party. But when a robotic Santa Clause at a nearby toy store goes haywire and begins a rampant killing spree through her small town, she’s forced into a battle for survival.”

Call the plagiarism police — they STOLE this plot from Futurama. Specifically, “Xmas Story,” which had a robot Santa shooting/exploding up the town and anyone in the way of said shooting/exploding. More specifically, Episode 4, Season 2, which aired on December 19, 1999. Television NEVER forgets.

JERUZALEM 2 / January 1, 2023 (Theaters)

“When doomsday happens on their wedding day, a couple in Jerusalem must bring their families together to put aside their cultural differences and battle demons tasked with ridding the Holy City of impure souls.”

I thought a doomsday and a wedding day were the same thing. Heh. That said, the movie poster’s tagline proclaims there are three Gates to Hell: one in the desert, one in the ocean and one in Jerusalem (or “Jeruzalem”). They’re totally forgetting/ignoring the Tug Tavern. So yeah, FOUR Gates to Hell. They need to redo the movie poster.

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds

Hanging With Elvira, Ghost Cops, Phenomenal Dirt

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Two giants in the horror entertainment field — Joe Bob Briggs/The Last Drive-In and Elvira/Mistress of the Dark (oh, wait…make that three giants) are finally appearing together on Joe Bob’s Haunted Halloween Hangout special edition of The Last Drive-In. This happens on Shudder™ TV October 21, 2022/9pm ET. Unable to Shudder™? This will air on-demand October 23, 2022. Not sure, but I think that’s two days later. I’ll call NASA to calibrate my math.

From the press release: “The hit series returns with Briggs, the world’s foremost drive-in movie critic, presenting eclectic horror movie double features, interrupting the films to expound upon their merits, histories, and significance to genre cinema. The season premiere will feature a celebration of The Last Drive-In’s 100th movie since Joe Bob’s first Shudder™ marathon in 2018, with surprise special guests.”

While we congratulate Joe Bob on his 100th movie milestone and Elvira for getting us through puberty, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not cause you to Shudder™ all over your TV face…

THE FINAL ROSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Set on a remote island a single mother competes on a reality TV dating show called, Love at Last. When the contestants become targets of a mysterious masked killer, their search for romance turns into a fight for survival.”

So this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

MATRIARCH / October 21, 2022 (Hulu™)

“Afflicted with a mysterious disease after surviving an overdose, a woman returns to her childhood home to confront her personal demons but instead discovers a real one.”

That means she figured out where she stashed her stash.

SOMETHING IN THE DIRT / November 4, 2022 (Limited)

“When neighbors John and Levi witness supernatural events in their Los Angeles apartment building, they realize documenting the paranormal could inject some fame and fortune into their wasted lives. An ever-deeper, darker rabbit hole, their friendship frays as they uncover the dangers of the phenomena, the city, and each other.”

We don’t watch horror movies to see bros trying to figure out their “feelings.” We wanna know what’s in the dirt, man. And it better not be dog doo.

R.I.P.D. 2: RISE OF THE DAMNED / November 15, 2022 / (Netflix™/ DVD)

The Wild West has gone to Hell, literally, and the world’s best hope of being saved lies in the gun-slinging hands of Sheriff Roy Pulsipher as he becomes the newest officer for the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.) enforcing the afterlife’s laws. Roy thought joining the R.I.P.D. would give him a chance to revisit his daughter and solve the mystery of his murder. Instead, he has his holsters full with havoc and hellfire when he’s given a mission to stop a dangerous demon from opening a portal to the underworld. The fate of the living and the dead now depends on Roy and his partner Jeanne, a mysterious swordswoman, as cowboys clash with creatures and undead insanity unleashes apocalyptic chaos.”

R.I.P.D. came out in 2013 and despite having both Deadpool and The Dude in it, the movie was oddly dumb. Not quite stupid, but you know what I’m saying (especially if you watched it.) Cautious hopes for the sequel, which only took nine years to happen. Only. Wonder if any of the movie’s creatures, demons and the undead drink White Russians?

Feared Cities, Feared Houses, Feared Phones

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 1, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Love it, hate it, makes you happy and/or happily throw up (looking in your direction AHS: Hotel/2015), American Horror Story/Season 11 (FX™) is set to land on your TV set October 19, 2022. (Write this down on a cocktail napkin for reference: The first two episodes of the 10-episode season will drop at 10 PM ET/PT on FX™ and will stream the next day on Hulu™. They will be followed by two episodes each Wednesday.) You’re welcome.

No plot as of this blogging. But the tagline for AHS: NYC reads: “New Season. New City. New Fears.” Disappointingly generic given AHS’ refreshingly twisted stories. But hey, fans will watch it regardless of spoilers because American Horror Story, if anything, is crazy bizarre, crazy gory, crazy violent and thereby recommended crazy family viewing.

Returning cast are favs Billie Lourd (her mom was Princess Leia), Zachary Quinto (he was Spock a couple of times), Leslie Grossman (dipped in AHS blood gunk since 2017), and the always uncanny Denis O’Hare, who earned two Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations for his AHS roles and played Liz Taylor in a cross dressing tour de force in AHS: Hotel (2015). Those gowns were literally to die for.

While we pack our bags for NYC, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not earn Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations…

MY BEST FRIEND’S EXORCISM / Out now (Amazon Prime Video)

“The year is 1988. High school sophomores Abby and Gretchen have been best friends since fourth grade. But after an evening of skinny-dipping goes disastrously wrong, Gretchen begins to act…different. She’s moody. She’s irritable. And bizarre incidents keep happening whenever she’s nearby. The fate of Abby and Gretchen will be determined by a single question: Is their friendship powerful enough to beat the Devil?”

How the HELL could an evening of high school girls skinny-dipping go wrong? Maybe evil got caught in someone’s “pool filter.”

MR. HARRIGAN’S PHONE / October 5, 2022 (Netflix™)

“A young boy named Craig, living in a small town, befriends Mr. Harrigan, an older, reclusive billionaire. The two form a bond over books and an iPhone™. But when the man passes away, the boy discovers that not everything dead is gone, and finds himself able to communicate with his friend from the grave through the iPhone™ that was buried with him.”

My iPhone™ doesn’t get calls from the dead. Just robots.

THE HARRISVILLE HAUNTING: THE REAL CONJURING HOUSE / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Four paranormal researchers and YouTubers™ document the paranormal claims of the former Arnold family farmhouse built in 1736. Now known as the Harrisville Farmhouse and the inspiration for the well known movie The Conjuring (2013). Are the extreme paranormal claims from the film real? Come along with researchers Matt Benton, Joe Vitale, Bill Cook, and Eric Conner as they delve into this mysterious haunting and share their incredible findings and evidence.”

This is what YouTubers™ consider gainful employment these days. You want paranormal? Trying cleansing the bathrooms at the Tug Tavern. Customers have been known to conjure a lot of “dark things” in there.

SATAN’S SLAVES: COMMUNION / November 4, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A family moves into a rundown apartment after escaping terror from their mother, who returned from death, not knowing their new home is a bigger threat to their lives.”

So what’s the bigger peril — mom returning from the grave or a backed up septic tank? Kind of a toss-up.

Killer Beer, Fat Shaming Horror, Pond Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer™, a limited brew based on Chucky, the skull/wise-cracking serial killer doll made icon status in Child’s Play (1988), is now available for quaffing purposes.

From the press release: “Just like the devious doll it’s inspired by, this pumpkin witbier with cranberry will be your friend ’til the very end. Saturated with blood-red cranberry juice and entangled with pumpkin mangled into a puree, the beer is light in color with spine-chilling flavors of chamomile and cinnamon – the perfect combination of everything you love about the season.”

Chucky: A Killer Wit Beer is a limited release and collaborative beer between Elysian™, USA Network™ and SYFY™, brewed in celebration of all things Halloween, horror and Season 2 of Chucky, a continuation of the iconic film franchise chronicling the murderous escapades of the notorious killer doll.”

Beer that tastes like pumpkin, cranberry, chamomile and cinnamon? Shouldn’t this be sold at a Nordstrom™ perfume and deodorant kiosk? While you contemplate sucking down a case or two or making scented candles out of it, here are a few horror movies that may or may not be an affront to your palate…   

NIX / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

While Jack Coyle struggles to keep his shattered family together, a strange and powerful entity reveals itself again, opening the wounds for another tragedy to occur. As Jack deals with the consequences, he also must protect his young niece from this frightening creature, which threatens to destroy everyone.

They really need to put more effort into naming powerful entities/frightening creatures. “Nix” sounds like a stain-remover. But if they’re stuck with that moniker, how about a modifier, like Metaverse Nix, Ranch-Flavored Nix or simply, Nix Extreme?   

V/H/S/99 / October 20, 2022 / Shudder™ 

“A thirsty teenager’s home video leads to a series of horrifying revelations.”

Um, what exactly is a “thirsty teenager”? Thirsty for what? Certainly not Smart Water™ as no amount of A.I. added to expensive tap water could do anything to improve any teen’s cognitive abilities. What’s left — Fanta Piña Colada™? Pibb Xtra™? Coca-Cola Cinnamon™? (Actually, while it’s seriously unhealthy for you, Coca-Cola Cinnamon™ ain’t half bad, which is why I only drank half the case I bought on Amazon.com. Saving the other half for tomorrow.) 

As for the movie, all I know is that it’s part of the VHS horror franchise (V/H/S (2012), V/H/S 2 (2013), V/H/S Viral (2014), SiREN (2016), V/H/S 94 (2021). I guess that could make you thirsty for more.

PIGGY / October 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Sara is a teenager in a rural Spanish village who is constantly tormented by ‘the popular girls’, including her former best friend, because of her body type. One day at the local pool she witnesses her bullies violently kidnapped by a mysterious stranger. Sara, who normally feels unable to express herself to both her family and neighbors, suddenly faces a moral dilemma as she must decide between saving her tormentors from a bloody end or giving into the desire for revenge.”

Revenge. The answer is ALWAYS revenge. 

CURSE OF CROM: THE LEGEND OF HALLOWEEN / Release pending 2022/2023

“High school teenagers accidentally unleash an ancient Irish entity on their hometown and must stop it before midnight on Halloween.”

Spoiler: The Irish entity they speak of is the Lucky Charms™ Leprechaun. Or maybe that guy on all those Irish Spring™ soap commercials. Pure f’n evil.