Archive for The Walking Dead

Old Witches, New Demons, Modern Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead Official Cookbook

There’s an ironic aspect to the AMC’s official cookbook (and survival guide) from The Walking Dead as the only meals on the menu are humans — and they’re eaten tatare, not cooked. Yeah, TWD had non-zombie people butchering other non-zombie people and grilling the succulent carved butt roasts for their protein needs. Unless you came up with a marinade or spices to flesh out (sorry) the flavor, you don’t really need a cookbook. Just heat and eat.

While you chew (sorry) on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cleanse the palette…

The Cured

THE CURED (September 9, 2017)
“In the aftermath of a devastating virus which transformed the infected into zombie-like monsters, Mankind is struggling to rebuild societies deeply divided between the uninfected and those who did succumb to the virus and are still haunted by their violent actions. In the backdrop, the rise of a terrorist movement threatens to plunge the world into chaos again.”

This one was formerly titled First Wave. Glad they changed it as it sounded like a surfer movie. The premise echoes that of the The Returned (2013) French zombie movie and subsequent TV series. A thought — if you substituted “virus” with “beer” you get the same results.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer

THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER (October 27, 2017)
Steven, a charismatic surgeon, is forced to make an unthinkable sacrifice after his life starts to fall apart, when the behavior of a teenage boy he has taken under his wing turns sinister.

A charismatic surgeon? I bet he’s a real cut-up. Heh.

Demons

DEMONS (October 6, 2017/VOD)
“A psychological thriller that marries elements of The Exorcist, The Shining and The Big Chill, Demons tells of a celebrated fiction writer and former priest who, along with his wife, are tormented by the ghost of her late sister, as the details of her grisly death are slowly uncovered.”

When they say “marries elements of…”, it usually means ripped off. But what do you expect from a premise so overused, they could’ve bought the script from Goodwill™.

Pyewacket

PYEWACKET (2017/2018)
“A frustrated, angst-ridden teenage girl awakens something in the woods when she naively performs an occult ritual to evoke a witch to kill her mother.”

Had to look up “Pyewacket” as it seemed like a made-up word, like “gummy bear” or “Lake Titicaca.” Turns out it’s an actual ghost of a witch, famously outed by Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins back in March of 16444 in the town of Manningtree, Essex, England. I guess this makes Hopkins the first Ghostbuster.

Zombies, Monster Book, Slasher Slumber Party

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead, ratings juggernaut and everybody’s favorite zombie TV show that has less to do with the walking dead than humans, returns for season eight on AMC/October 22, 2017. Okay, I get that there are people who violently express they aren’t fans. Sorry you like songs all in the same key, too. (Eight years of zombies eating people? Cool, but at some point you need more than a Lazy Susan snack platter.)

Season seven ended with a gnarly nasty war brewing between main guy Rick Grimes and his people and self-proclaimed King of the New World, Negan and his hardcore followers. Kinda sounds like Congress. Sure, there were less zombies in that season than were put on the KP duty during previous years. But man, Negan is such a magnetizing character, brutally nasty and gleefully kill-y. He previously made Rick his b*tch, and now the series’ hero is about to reclaim his throne by taking off the gloves and taking on Negan, with the intent to get all kill-y on him. And I, as a die-hard (no pun intended) fan, can’t wait.

Until that booze worthy celebratory day comes, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not kill you to watch…

The Punisher

THE PUNISHER (Netflix/2017)
“The series revolves around Frank Castle, who uses lethal methods to fight crime as the vigilante, The Punisher.”

Right the double heck on. Frank Castle was first introduced to us on the Daredevil TV series (slated for a third season on Netflix™ later in 2017, the year of our power lords), and was a standout highlight in an increasingly “where are we going with this?” show. (Frank’s a way better adversary than any of Daredevil’s foes. I’m looking sideways in your direction, Kingpin.) And Frank, of course, is brilliantly played by Jon Bernthal, formerly the exploding firecracker, Shane Walsh of The Walking Dead series. (Spoiler — he was killed off….TWICE!)

Book of Monsters

BOOK OF MONSTERS (pending crowd-funding)
“Sophie’s 18th birthday party becomes a bloodbath when six terrifying monsters descend upon her house, intent on devouring the party guests and killing anyone who tries to leave.

As her school friends are torn apart and eaten, Sophie must rally a band of misfits and take up arms to send their party crashers back to hell. In order to survive the night, Sophie will face her destiny; monsters are real — and she’s the only one who can stop them.”

Cool title, but the premise smells a bit stinkified of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997—2003) TV series, which was just a re-imagineering of Scooby Doo. They seem very specific about the amount of monsters to do the dirty work. I’m quite okay with this as it means fewer teenagers are left to take selfies and body shame me on Twitter™.

Ruin Me

RUIN ME (2017/2018)
“Alexandra reluctantly tags along for Slasher Sleepout, an extreme event that is part camping trip, part haunted house, and part escape room. But when the fun turns deadly, Alex has to play the game if she wants to make it out alive.”

Teen horror. If you’re a teen, you may like this. If you’re not a teen, you may not like this as it borrows —deeply — from numerous, worn out horror movie plots. I only have one question — does one wear pajamas or not while attending the Slasher Sleepout? I don’t know whether to go with just floral print 100% cotton bottoms and a comfy Motörhead T-shirt, or my Spider-Man adult onesie? I should probably ask a teen.

Burning Shadow

BURNING SHADOW (2017/2018)
“After discovering a homeless man who is his exact look-alike, a former soldier is drawn into the dangerous LA underworld.”

Dude, you were looking in a mirror! Am I the only one who figured this out?

Magic Monkeys, Groovy Ghosts and Tubas

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Journey To The West: Demons Strike Back

These are dark days, what with Negan and his bat playing baseball with people’s heads, Black Sabbath playing their final show and Supergirl not returning any of my Bat-signals. (I’m starting to think she’s a bit stuck up.) So yeah, nothing but doom and gloom from dusk ‘til dawn.

Here are some upcoming dark movies to compliment your dark days…

JOURNEY TO THE WEST: THE DEMONS STRIKE BACK
(available now)

“A sequel to the story of Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons (2013). After killing Miss Duan in the last story, Monkey King is now tamed by Tang Sanzang and has become one of his disciples. Tang continues his journey to the West with Monkey King, Sandy and Pigsy. They encounter and flight with many demons during their treacherous journey. These demon battles enable them to grow and learn how to become better people.”

Good grief — someone managed to film all the wacky crap in my head leading up to — and including — a hangover. I don’t know about you, but “taming” the Monkey King is just asking for trouble. You ever see monkeys at the zoo and what they use for flinging purposes? Now imagine if you’re a monkey AND a king. I just got a chill shiver.

Sisters of the Plague

SISTERS OF THE PLAGUE (February 14, 2017)
“Jo enjoys leading haunted house tours around New Orleans. But when her father moves into the house she shares with her girlfriend, terrifying supernatural things start really happening. Seeking a medium’s help, Jo finds she is facing something way beyond her control.”

I remember a time when mediums were rare (heh). Now they’re all over the place. Makes sense that supernatural things are goin’ down in New Orleans; That’s where supernatural was invented, man. They kinda give away the groceries with the press release. But hey, like we couldn’t figure it our for our own supernatural selves?

Ghost of New Orleans

GHOST OF NEW ORLEANS (February 17, 2017)
“A disgraced detective has a supernatural encounter which leads him to investigate the murder of a beautiful cellist that unlocks the truth behind her mysterious death.”

She didn’t really murder die. She switched to tuba and is now leading her own marching band up and down Bourbon Street. Say what you will about tubas, but those things sound like the horns of humanity when properly honked upon.

It Comes At Night

IT COMES AT NIGHT (2017)
“A father will stop at nothing to protect his wife and son from a malevolent, mysterious presence terrorizing them right outside their doorstep.”

Pffft — sounds like it’s a landlord.

Kong: Skull Island

KONG: SKULL ISLAND (March 10, 2017)
Yeah, I’ve e-blurted this one a time or two. But had to wave my freak flag one more time over the new Japanese Kong key art poster. This thing is suitable for framing. (Just like me in a court of law —heh.) The art depicts a variety snack pack of other giant creatures, whose roles no doubt go into the red shirt category. (If you’re a hardcore horror/sci-fi fan, you’ll get the reference.)

In the meantime, I’ll continue to stare longingly at this poster and delete down the days on my iCalendar™ until the movie allows me to watch it for more money than it would take to fill up the tank to get to the theater.

Our TVs Are Filled With Horror

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

It’s been a banner year for horror/sci-fi TV, the nightly news notwithstanding. While I’ve dipped my couch into stuff like The Strain, Preacher, Van Helsing and Outcast, due to there being only 24 hours to a day, I was only able to watch 1,825 hours of quality genre programming. Doesn’t scratch the surface of what’s out there. That established, here’s a few 2016 horror/sci-fi viewing habits…

THE WALKING DEAD
Like it or double love it, season seven’s opener was one of the all-time jarring shockers of this or any other year, setting the bar unreachably high on all out line-crossing torture porn. New hammy villain Negan (rhymes with “vegan”) makes season three’s Governor look like a Wal-Mart™ door greeter.

Fear The Walking Dead

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD
Barely made it through season one. Then I watched the season two opener and walked away from it. Too many unlikeable characters in implausible circumstances. The zombies, ironically, are the most believable aspects of the show.

Stranger Things

STRANGER THINGS
By far and away THE best new horror/fantasy series hit of the year. A monster called Demogogon exists in an alternate dimension called the Upside Down. (I’ve been visiting there every since discovering alcohol.) The darn thing gets into the regular dimension and all mystery heck breaks loose with pre-teens — and the magnificent Winona Ryder — Scooby-Doo’ing the heck out of said mystery. P.S. The Upside Down would be a great name for a dive bar.

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: MY ROANOKE NIGHTMARE
Like goat cheese on pizza, this season did not work at all. The problems? Start with the first episode and end with the last one. I’ll give ‘em props for trying to mix a reality show premise with found footage. But there’s a reason why reality shows and found footage suck. And the muddled, no questions answered season end was indeed a nightmare. P.S. Lady Gaga was vastly underused this season.

Ash vs Evil Dead / Stan Against Evil, From Disk ’Till Dawn

ASH VS. EVIL DEAD
As amazingly corny, campy and killer as you’d expect. Why didn’t they think of doing a TV series years ago? (Ash should’ve been elected president.) The evil dead still have it in for Ash after all these years. Good for us. Not so good for him.

STAN AGAINST EVIL
Stan Miller, a grizzled, forced-into-retirement redneck sheriff, Archie Bunker’s his way through an inexhaustible stream of demons stinkin’ up his New England town. One great crack after another: “My shirt smells like low tide at A**hole Beach,” and “Ever been beaten with a bag of oranges?” An easy and obvious successor to Ash.

FROM DUSK ‘TILL DAWN
On its third season, the Gecko Brothers really flesh out the franchise’s storyline and take it to new extremes with a shocking (and satisfying) amount of blood and violence. Pushing the boundaries of censorship, TV vampires have never looked this nasty cool.

The Exorcist, The Returned, Channel Zero, Salem

THE RETURNED
One of the quiest, unsettling and beautifully creepy made-in-France eight-episode series (based on a French movie of the same name) in 2016. Will make you rethink what a zombie is/should be. Don’t worry about moving your lips to the sub-titles; there’s not a lot of wordings. Or screamings. As I said, quiet.

THE EXORCIST
Who knew they could take one punchline and make a tense and nervewracking TV series out of expunging demons from beleagured souls every week? Looks fun. Wonder if I can schedule an exorcism appointment for myself? My stupid health insurance probably won’t cover it, though.

CHANNEL ZERO
A tooth monster. Yep, you read me right. There’s a monster made of human teeth in this slow-burn awesome SyFy Channel™ original series. The show has bite. C’mon — how could I not say that? The joke was sitting right there.

SALEM
Tried to get through the first season of Salem a while back. Even with plenty of icky, gnarly witches and the demonic gunk/insects drooling/crawling out of their orifices, was not able to emotionally invest in it, which is why I haven’t pursed it in subsequent seasons. Probably should should go back and recommit to evil and see where the show takes me.

Of the sci-fi superhero stuff, watched most but not all. (Looking in your direction Arrow season 5 and D.C.’s Legends of Tomorrow.) Speaking of Arrow, his famous line before shooting criminals in the chest with his name always says, “You have failed this city…” At the beginning of season 4 his girlfriend attempts to make him breakfast. He looks at it and says, “You have failed this omelette…” That’s not just funny, it’s dang funny.

Anyway, here’s what else I warmed the couch cushions to…

Supergirl, The Flash, Gotham

SUPERGIRL
Season 2 episode (“Changing”) is where Supergirl gets drunk — on one drink — and her Black-Ops step-sister tells her she’s driving her home. Supergirl: “Well, I’m sure not flying!” I LOL’d over that one. Supergirl gets smacked upside the “S” in almost every episode, sometimes by space alien criminals instead of delicious adult beverages. I’ll give it to that super cutie — she can take a punch. Just not from the punch bowl. Heh.

P.S. Digging the crossover stuff, like when The Flash showed up in Supergirl’s world. Her day job boss at Catco (media conglomerate), not knowing who Flash is, named him The Whoosh. Priceless.

THE FLASH
Turns out there’s hundreds of Earths, each one accessible with the help of a user-friendly meta-human. This means more Flashie knock-offs, more meta-criminals, more storylines and more opportunities for the Flash to get beaten up every time he slows down. Quite nifty they’re invoking Flashpoint (time-travel and the Butterfly Effect) from the cartoons. Even still, a bit on the lightweight side. It’s not like I can change the channel or anything. Wait a sec…

GOTHAM
Pleasantly graphic and unflinchingly violent re-imagining of the classic Dark Knight universe, with a pre-pubed Bruce Wayne (not quite Batman) sporting a bat-a-rang for Selina Kyle (Catwoman as a street kid), the Penguin (criminal turned mayor — there’s a stretch), Edward Nygma (Riddler), Joker (killed off way too soon, but coming back somehow), Poison Ivy (played by three different plant species), and a D.C. sampler of legacy super criminals (Mr. Freeze, Mad Hatter, Hugo Strange). Despite all these tasty elements, it’s police detective Jim Gordon and Bruce’s now-legal guardian/servant Alfred (cast as a former member of the the British Special Air Service) who are the standout ass kickers here.

Daredevil, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Luke Cage

DAREDEVIL
Season one was good at establishing Matt Murdock — blind and struggling public defender — as a serious defender of justice with the business end of his fist. Season two’s storylines were better developed, but it’s the all-out slobber-knocking fight scenes, which often leave Matt a candidate for emergency medical attention, that leaves one’s mouth agape. Simply agape.

AGENT’S OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
This was a personal fav, but the storylines are jumping around like meta-frogs. Finding it interesting that Marvel and D.C., both of whom boast superheroes with the same abilities (Green Arrow/Hawkeye, The Atom/Ant-Man, Flash/Quicksilver, Hawkman/Angel, Aquaman/Sub-Mariner, El-Diablo/Human Torch), are using similar terms, if not story lines with Hive/H.I.V.E. It’s kinda like comparing apples to, um, windows. Heh. And an Aussie beer swillin’, womanizing, obnoxious Ghost Rider? Brilliant.

LUKE CAGE
Best surprise hit of the getting-crowded-by-the-minute superhero TV series. Luke, first introduced in Jessica Jones as her “friend” with mattress benefits, returns as a super smooth, reluctant, big city neighborhood hero impervious to artillery and sharp stuff while dispensing much-needed street justice with super strength, all against a backdrop of current day Harlem. (You’ll forget you’re watching a contemporary show and not back in the ’70s. An excellent homage to Shaft.)

Besides being a top-notch African-American superhero, the show’s music, performed in a criminal’s nightclub with today’s artists (Raphael Saadiq, Charles Bradley, Faith Evans, The Delfonics and more), is beyond groovy. I could easily dance to it. That’s MY super power. (Yeah, I prefer metal, but that’s where I let my neck dance.)

P.S. And why the flip is there not a second Jessica Jones season? Do I need to go all Daredevil on someone’s decision-making process?

P.P.S. And where the flippin’ fudge is iZombie season three? The CW’s™ website says it’ll be a two-hour season premiere on Tuesday, April 4, 2017. Get your cookbook ready for more brain-eating recipes.

The Horror of 2016

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch

“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”

Best line in recent contemporary horror as whispered by the tempting, unseen evil thing in The Witch, one of the 2016’s least conventional but deliciously grim horror movies. I haven’t heard a line that good since “I know you are, but what am I?” from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985).

Supergirl

The second best line of dialogue of the year comes not from a horror/sci-fi movie, but from the TV series Supergirl: “It’s time to punch you in the face…” (Note to anyone not using glitter chapstick – Supergirl is faring far better under the CW™ tweener banner than it did with CBS™, who had no idea what to do with superheroes sporting abnormally perfect teeth and Clearasil Ultra Rapid Action™ complexions. This is CW’s™ wheelhouse, man.)

In a year fraught with horror (politics notwithstanding), there were more than a few genre movie and TV stand-outs. And while I’m a world famous (ahem) blogger of horror/sci-fi, this e-offering is not even close to being comprehensive and I am by no means an authority on the subject. (I’m an expert at being NOT an expert.)

Black Phillip Cider

Of the ton of big/low-budget genre movie/TV crap I’ve watched all year long, the following represents a few chunks of interesting crap therein. You don’t have to agree with me, though, just because I’m a world famous blogger [insert nervous cough here]…

The Witch, Train To Busan, Shin Godzilla

THE WITCH
This unforgettable chiller introduced horror’s best new figurehead: Black Phillip, the Danny Trejo (or “Machete”) of badass barnyard animals.

SHIN GODZILLA
F-word amazing. They gave reboot G several insanely cool upgrades while holding true to Godzilla’s original hairstyle, including his “one-blow-blows-up-all” destructo breath: purple-y AND flame-y. That’s pretty sweet. Shin Godzilla, almost all filmed in broad daylight, shows Godzilla doing what he does best: making smash hits. I’d buy his album.

TRAIN TO BUSAN
A South Korean zombie movie that mops the floor with every other zombie movie released this year. So ridiculously intense is this thing (passengers trapped on a speeding commuter train while zombies board without passes), you don’t need English translation. (I went legit and watched it without sub-titles. That’s how I roll.)

10m Cloverfield Lane, 31, Phantasm Ravager

10 CLOVERFIELD LANE
Was this a sequel to 2008’s Cloverfield? There are those who walk among us that say yes. Doesn’t matter — while the movie climaxed with alien stuff (if you didn’t already know that — ha!), it’s the premise of several super tense characters in a rural underground survivalist bunker (two of which are there involuntarily) that brings the real horror.

ROB ZOMBIE’S 31
Like him or not, Rob Zombie always makes stomach-turning, gritty and gory horror movies. This one puts a group of traveling carnival white trash performers in a huge maze inside a huge warehouse-y type building, facing off in a brutal do-or-die obstacle course with highly colorful and pretty darn mean maniacs (Doom-Head, Sick-Head, Schizo-Head, Psycho-Head, Death-Head, Sex-Head), all wielding power tools. Make it out of the building, you live. Sort of.

PHANTASM RAVAGER
Does this final installment of the surreal and beloved Phantasm franchise deliver the groceries? Yes and not yes. Given that it’s been nearly 20 years since the last one (Phantasm IV: Oblivion/1998) and brings back the original characters, all of which puts you in the zone, Phantasm Ravager still leaves a pile of unanswered questions, like what happened to Reggie’s 1971 Plymouth Barracuda (second only to the Batmobile in sleek coolness)? But hey, those iconic flying death spheres, aka, gasoline-powered sharp things? All over the freakin’ place.

Deadpool, Captain America: Civil War, Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad, Doctor Strange

DEADPOOL / CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR / BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE / SUICIDE SQUAD / DOCTOR STRANGE
Great year for great superhero movies. All of the above kicked ass to varying degrees of ass kicking. And Suicide Squad’s dementedly drop dead sexy Harley Quinn ranks with Deadpool and Black Phillip as a top genre icon of the year. (Godzilla’s already in the Hall of Fame, so giving somebody else a chance here.)

Harley Quinn

Honorary mention goes to Ben Affleck’s Batman, who puts the dark in Dark Knight. (He drinks the hard stuff, two syllable swears, horizontally smooches the ladies, takes pill-shaped drugs, beats people like drums then tortures/shoots them, and socks Superman right on his justice-shaped jaw. On top of that, he drives really fast and crashes into stuff. Batman gives driving lessons, not takes them.)

A few thoughts on some other this and thats…

Arrival, The Shallows, Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

ARRIVAL
Not just a good movie, but a great UFO movie that doesn’t rely on all out paranoid military warfare on our space brothers, who look a heckuva lot like seafood appetizers. P.S. to the Internet: I’ve seen nearly every UFO video on YouTube™ and they’re starting to look fake. I’m beginning to think UFOs aren’t real. But that’s probably just crazy talk.

THE SHALLOWS
You can still be the most heavy metal, human-gulping shark with extra teeth in the ocean, but you still take second seat to Blake Lively’s seat in a string bikini worn throughout the ENTIRE MOVIE.

FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM
An enthralling movie set in 1920s New York with wizards and a menagerie of off-the-hook mythical creatures and monsters, the likes of which have not been seen since the last WWE pay-per-view. Y’know, I bet Harry Potter fans might like this.

Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, The Boy, Morgan

MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
In my day a home for peculiar children was called “summer camp.” A bunch of mutation kids with unique abilities: floating, projecting movies through eyes, starting fires by touching stuff, super strength, control of nature, and my fav, eating through a mouth on the back of your head. You could take down a Frisko Freeze™ double deluxe burger in one mouth while sucking down a chocolate shake with the other. I wouldst like to live deliciously.

THE BOY
Featured The Walking Dead’s walking gorgeous Lauren Cohan. I wasn’t aware of anything else in the movie. I think it had some sort of boy in it. I think he was a puppet, which is just plain weird.

MORGAN
A genetic experiment gone wrong — or right, depending on where you stand on a contemporary updating of Frankenstein (1931).

Independence Day: Resurgence, X-Men: Apocalypse, Star Trek Beyond

There were a few genre misfires this year, though, including Independence Day: Resurgence, (we need to issue a formal apology to extraterrestrials), X-Men: Apocalypse (yeesh, what a mutant mess) and Star Trek Beyond, which relied more on blowing up things than the story line. Speaking of, why do they have to keep exploding the USS Enterprise over and over? Man, I wanted to drive that thing.

Wonder Woman

So what do we have to look forward to from here? According to IMDB.com there’s approximately 1,000+ horror/sci-fi/fantasy/superhero movies (Wonder Woman – I await you) slated for release in 2017. Butt — meet couch. Like Doctor Strange, I’m looking through space and time (and Collider.com) for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Godzilla, King of Monsters (2019) and Godzilla vs. King Kong (hopefully before I croak). All the other stuff watched is what I’ll do to pass time/pass gas/pass out until those movies come to enrich my life.

Getting Soaked With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

Looks like the new release horror/sci-fi movie/TV hose is going from dribble to Willy Water™ in no time as film studios pump up for a hopefully powerful Fall/Halloween release schedule. (P.S. Willy Water™ is a gas – I play with mine daily. Okay, that didn’t come out right.)

American Horror Story / Fear The Walking Dead

Horror TV has come a long way in the past seven years on the heels of the staggering critical and commercial success of The Walking Dead. The Internet is soiling itself speculating which of the beleagured group gets a home run hit to the brain bag with a barb-wire baseball bat, the excruciating cliffhanger from season 6. Like you, I have my theories. But I’m probably right and everyone on the Internet is wrong. I won’t gloat, though.

The Strain / iZombie

Then we have the final season of American Horror Story, the third season of Fear The Walking Dead (triple yawn) the third season of The Strain, and upcoming season three of iZombie (fun show – LOTS of brain eating recipes.) And if you haven’t seen ’em, reserve some butt/couch time for Stranger Things (left field awesome) and released earlier this year, The Returned (French made/subtitled – exquisitely creepy and…different.)

Stranger Things / The Returned

Amazingly, The Exorcist, a new TV series, is making its debut September 23, 2016 on Fox™. Not sure how they’re gonna pull this one off other than “demon of the week” with an exorcist guy getting “cross” (heh) with ’em. I’ll give it a shot, but it sounds like Constantine right outta the pew.

There’s more horror TV – all you have to do is slouch on the couch and watch ‘em. As for new horror movies, here’s another batch for your time-wasting consideration…

The Exorcist / Abattoir

ABATTOIR (in post-production as of this e-burping)
Plot: “A real estate reporter investigates a mysterious old man who is building a haunted house constructed from rooms where deaths have occurred.”
Thoughts: Sounds like a refreshing take on the haunted house theme that’s clogging up theaters with teen jump scare moments galore.

Guardians / The Disappointment's Room

GUARDIANS (Russia/February 23, 2017)
Plot: “During the Cold War an organization called Patriot created a superhero squad, which includes members of multiple Soviet Republics. For years the heroes had to hide their identities, but in hard times they must show themselves again.”
Thoughts: I liked it better when it was called The Avengers/Watchmen.

THE DISAPPOINTMENT’S ROOM (September 9, 2016)
Plot: “A mother and her young son release unimaginable horrors from the attic of their rural dream home.”
Thoughts: YET ANOTHER haunted house theme that’s clogging up theaters with teen jump scare moments galore.

Ouija: Origin of Evil / Daylight's End

OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL (October 21, 2016)
Plot: The sequel takes place in 1965 Los Angeles where a widowed mother and her two daughters add a new stunt to bolster their séance scam business and unwittingly invite authentic evil into their home. The youngest daughter is overtaken by the merciless spirit, forcing this small family to confront unthinkable fears to save her and send her possessor back to the other side.
Thoughts: I’ve seen this before. You’ve seen this before, We’ve ALL seen this before. It’ll be the origin of stupidity if either of all of us pays to see it again.

DAYLIGHT’S END (out now)
Plot: “Years after a plague turns most of humanity into monsters, a rogue drifter agrees to guide a band of survivors to sanctuary.”
Thoughts: YET ANOTHER zombie movie with the SAME PLOT as about a thousand million other zombie movies.

Willy Water

Bored With The Horde

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Horde

News of zombie horror flick The Horde, releasing on DVD/VOD on May 6, 2016, is one of those “you’ve got to be kidding me” moments. First the plot, then a supportive argument, though you won’t need it…

“John Crenshaw has given up his life as leader of his Navy SEAL team to settle down and marry his girlfriend Selina. He accompanies Selina and her students on a weekend nature-photography expedition deep into the Oregon woods. What starts out as an educational and fun-filled weekend turns into horror as the group is besieged by an unspeakable evil – a horde of hideously disfigured, mutated humans with an insatiable taste for blood.”

Educational and fun-filled weekend? I’ve never heard a honeymoon quite described like that.

La Horde

Okay, let’s lift the hood and see where the problem is. First, there is already a French zombie movie called La Horde (2010), a superior one at that. (There’s also a 2012 Russian fictionalized narrative called The Horde of how Saint Alexius healed Taidula Khatun, the mother of the Golden Horde Khan Jani Beg from blindness. Of course I knew that.)

Secondly, using a Navy SEAL to battle zombies was just done in 2015: Navy SEALS vs. Zombies. (The SEALS kick ass, but to employ them here is an insult.)

Navy SEALS vs Zombies

Thirdly, the rest of the plot reads like an episode of The Walking Dead: “The horde savagely attacks the camp. John fights off some and is left for dead as the creatures, led by the sadistic Atkinson, take Selina and the group back to their camp. Battered and enraged Crenshaw must once again embrace the life he left behind to track down and kill the horde. With unrelenting danger around every corner he must deal with the savage mutants and human deceit.”

Lastly, the kicker line: “Fight Back or Die.” Seriously? Did someone get paid to come up with that? I so, I hope the check bounced.

Does anyone have a shred of zombie originality anymore? This is an argument aimed at 99% of all the undead crap clogging up humanity’s plumbing. (I’m looking in your direction, Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Message to filmmakers – send me $715.00 in small unmarked bills and I’ll hook you up with a sweet and original zombie movie idea that doesn’t fall back on a lazy title, Navy SEALS or photocopied plots.