Archive for Empire State Building

Shark World

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Sharks

The bad news is global warming melted the ice caps and bottoms and flooded the entire Earth as if some sort of sci-fi take on Noah’s Ark, which, ironically, is also sci-fi. The good news is sharks have proliferated (made photocopies of each other) and have taken over the new real estate en masse.

Planet of the Sharks

Such is the premise for Planet of the Sharks (2016), whose plot on paper looks interesting the way an uneaten sandwich made with day old bread looks tasty. But the lower-grade special effects, painfully bad characters (some look like the B-team from Road Warrior/1981), and a LOL windsurfing scene renders the entire thing a wet messy mess.

Planet of the Sharks

Like Waterworld (1995), people now live on floating “cities”, which look more like discount boat docks. One appropriately named city called Junk is under attack from hundreds of hungry sharks, led by an alpha Great White that commands his army with mutated thinking abilities. Oh yeah, his snout freckles glow, too, which logically communicates with his mates. Think of it as a face walkie-talkie. Prior to the attack, which had sharks torpedoing out of the water to swallow anyone wearing Dockers™ (heh), Junk City had 72 citizens. Final head count: one.

Planet of the Sharks

With scientists on a nearby flotilla working to launch a rocket into the upper atmosphere to reset the weather, dry up the water, and go back to swimming at the YMCA. With all the shark attacks, this plan is falling apart faster than their docks. After the population is being reduced by the minute, it’s decided to drop a trigger over an undersea volcano that will explode right when the sharks swim over it. Yep, totally plausible.

Planet of the Sharks

The problem is, a shark ate the personal mini-copter carrying the Whiffle Ball™ device. So a female scientist with self-contained shirt pontoons, windsurfs out into the ocean to snag the device, jumping over sharks as she zooms around the waves. Barely avoiding becoming seafood, she deploys said Whiffle Ball™, which triggers the volcano, which kills a pile of shark and causes a tsunami the size of a tidal wave.

Planet of the Sharks

Alfie the alpha shark ain’t having none of this and makes trouble bubbles. It’s determined that this particular mutated shark emits a powerful electrical charge, not unlike a cordless shaver. The remaining scientists figure out how to stick cattle prods into its freckled face, thereby jump-starting the rocket, which is (barely) launched. Once the payload goes off, the sun comes out, the seas begin to dry up, and cities, which have been underwater for years, emerge all sparkly and clean as if just having gone through a car wash. (Why they couldn’t have a giant starfish stuck to the Empire State Building left me visibly shocked.)

Planet of the Sharks

No nudity, digital blood, some stock swearing in wincing fake accents, a far-reaching premise and sharks so dumbly designed, they’ll make your freckles start glowing. So yeah, something to not do for 83 minutes.

Shafted By The Shaft

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shaft

What’s more believable – a freak lightning storm doing a Frankenstein number on the bio-mechanical computer chips that control elevators in a 100 story New York skyscraper, thereby bringing ’em to life, or that I actually paid money to rent this movie? Don’t answer that. I mean it.

The Shaft

One would logically assume killer elevators would have but one method for killer-ing people: bottom floor – everyone out. But credit where credit is due, these possessed elevators chop off heads, sever torsos, suck people in at the bottom floor and zoom up 91 floors in two seconds and spit ’em off the observation deck, and have the floor break away, thereby letting people fall down the shaft like so many shrieking snowflakes.

The Shaft

The dumb part (ahem) is to dress it up in a muddled conspiracy involving bio-engineering, government cover-ups, a crooked elevator company owner and a persistent news reporter (Naomi Watts), who suspects SOMETHING IS WRONG.

The Shaft

The Millennium Building (actually the Empire State Building, but King Kong holds the copyright on that) is thought to be a terrorist target. So the military moves in. A “save-the-day” elevator repairman sneaks in, steals a Stinger (an Army weapon, not something sticking out of a bumblebee’s butt) to shoot the elevator right in the down button.

And to think how much more enjoyable The Shaft (2001) would’ve been had they just chalked it all up to Satan. Aptly titled – I definitely got the shaft on this one.