2023: The Year in Horror

Horror movies had a strong year in 2023, but were outshined by the ongoing horror sh*t show that is the US Congress. Nevertheless, despite Taylor Swift and Barbie sucking up all the pop culture air, 2023’s horror and science fiction films gave us more Godzilla than ever before, shark movies continued unabated to chase ’n chew, and you couldn’t throw a bible and not hit someone possessed by evil. And animals everywhere were doing drugs right out in the open as if it was legal. 

There were nine superhero movies released in 2023 with Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania and The Marvels being the worst (lowest grossing Marvel Studios™ movies of all time), and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 and Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse being the best. And even though it had four Flashes, four Batmans, four Supermans, two Supergirls and one Zod, The Flash had the biggest stumble, earning $266+ million at the global box office — with a budget of over $300 million. As fast as he is, Flash couldn’t outrun those kinds of losses.

With that, here’s a look back at the horror/sci-fi trends of 2023…

2023: YEAR OF UFOS

Even though they were barely featured in the movies, UFOs were literally everywhere else in 2023, finally becoming part of the mainstream conversation. It’s taken the US government to admit what we’ve already known since Roswell in 1947: Extraterrestrials are here and they want to party with us. UFOs dominated clickbait headlines, documentaries exploded on YouTube™ and the government even launched a UFO public database: AARO (All-Domain Anomaly Resolution Office). They were even given a new distinction: UAP — Unidentified Aerial Phenomena. Given the overwhelming evidence, UAP should really stand for “UFOs A’plenty”.

2023: YEAR OF GODZILLA

No other year has given us the building-bashing bounty of Godzilla in 2023. We got Godzilla Minus One, a new movie (the all-time highest grossing Japanese film in U.S. history and nominated for Best Foreign Language Film), Godzilla-1.0/C (Godzilla Minus One/Minus Color), a meticulously detailed black and white conversion, Monarch: Legacy of Monsters live action TV series, three live action mini films on YouTube™: Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla vs. Gigan, Godzilla vs. Ultraman, an entire Godzilla channel playing free G-movies 24 hours a day on Pluto™ TV, a year long promotion leading up to his 70th birthday/anniversary in 2024, and teasers for Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, another big screen monster mash scheduled for April 2024. This should be printed on money: “In Godzilla we trust.” 

2023: YEAR OF DEMONIC POSSESSION

Being possessed by evil became a thing in 2023, with 12 horror movies of varying degrees of body and soul takeovers/makeovers. The deliciously best of the bunch was Evil Dead Rise, Talk To Me and When Evil Lurks. Demonic possession movies that failed to test our faith were the over-hyped The Exorcist: Believer, The Pope’s Exorcist, and The Nun II. Not horrible, but a whole bible chapter full of “meh.”

2023: YEAR OF ANIMALS ON DRUGS

When we first heard of Cocaine Bear and saw the trailer, we were hooked (pun not intended). Who wouldn’t want to see a grizzly bear all hopped up on coke and going to murder town? And because horror eats its own, we got Cocaine Shark, Deep Fear (Cocaine Shark 2), Attack of the Meth Gator, Cocaine Cougar, Narco Shark, and Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space in CB’s wake. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

2023: YEAR OF CHILDHOOD HORROR

One of the more annoying horror movie trends in 2023 (besides social media horror) is taking childhood folklore and nursery rhyme characters and turning ’em into serial killers and slashers. What started in 2019 with The Banana Splits, followed by The Legend of Jack and Jill (2021), The Curse of Humpty-Dumpty (2021) and The Cult of Humpty-Dumpty (2022), now punishes us in 2023/2024 with Mickey’s Mouse Trap, Pinocchio’s Revenge, Peter Pan — Neverland Nightmare, Bambi — The Reckoning, Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey, Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death & Porridge, Alice In Terrorland, Three Blind Mice, Mary Had A Little Lamb, Punch and Cinderella’s Curse. Note to bandwagon filmmakers — don’t even think of going anywhere near There was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe. (Now that I’ve said that, it’ll be a horror movie by next week.) 

2023: YEAR OF SHARKS

As of 2023 there are nearly 200 horror movies about sharks gone wacky wild, with more lining up to shred our movie dollars into chum. For 2023, there were 21 shark movies released, most with the titles better than the movies themselves: Bathtub Shark Attack, Amityville Shark House, Invisible Shark, Ouija Shark 2, Ninja vs. Shark and Sharks N D Hood. This was also the year Sharknado celebrated its 10th anniversary. Seems like only yesterday. There were five sequels — and yes, there will be more because our hunger for sharks is second only to shark’s hunger for us.

Lastly, my personal favs for 2023 because no one asked (or cares): Godzilla Minus One, Talk To Me, When Evil Lurks, Totally Killer, No One Will Save You, Infinity Pool, Saw X, Candy Land, Renfield, Shaky Shivers. You’re welcome. Now please pay my bar tab. 

Comic Book Cannibals, Caveman Horror, Recycled UFOS

Premiering March of 2023, Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe of Horrors, a deliciously nasty Archie Horror™ anthology comic book, focused on a series of horrific tales at the iconic diner where Archie and his friends love to hang out. (FYI: Archie Comics™ debuted in 1939 about pre-drug teens at the prophetically-named Riverdale High and their antics/adventures. It since launched a highly successful line of horror comics spin-offs.) And now we’re getting a follow-up. This is good as I felt there wasn’t enough teen cannibalistic antics in the first one.

From Archie Comics™ press release: “Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe of Horrors: Fresh Meat isn’t a sequel in the traditional sense but instead a prequel that will reveal to readers how Pop and his diner from Hell came to be across three all new stories from the original’s creative team. The stories in this horrifying anthology collection are “The Lord of the Fries,” “Feed Me, Jughead”, and “Free Market, Free Range”. It’s the perfect schlockfest for anyone who enjoys the brazen, dark humor of horror.” 

So while we support our local comic book stores when this comes out (releasing March 20th, 2024), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature diner-cooked human flesh…and milkshakes…

AMITYVILLE RIDE-SHARE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Evil clowns kidnap, torment and kill their random victims.”

Using Amityville in your “movie” title is today-speak for “don’t quit your day job.”

PUNCH / January 16, 2024 (VOD)

“Before heading back to university, Frankie craves one final night out in her coastal hometown, but sinister local legend Mr. Punch is on the prowl, and chaos ensues as Frankie and her friends fight for survival in this eerie slasher.”

YET ANOTHER jump-on-the-bandwagon children’s nursery rhymes/folklore culture turned into horror movies. I like how these “filmmakers” always rush to the back of the line. 

OUT OF DARKNESS / February 9, 2024 (Theaters)

“A small boat reaches the shores of a raw and desolate landscape. A group of six have struggled across the narrow sea to find a new home. They are starving, desperate, and living 45,000 years ago. First they must find shelter, and they strike out across the tundra wastes towards the distant mountains that promise the abundant caves they need to survive. But when night falls, anticipation turns to fear and doubt as they realize they are not alone.”

You’d assume the thing pursuing them is a dinosaur, given how this is set 45,000 years ago. (Disclaimer: I may or may not have passed my ancestral paleontology finals during my 15 years in community college.) I have theories: A caveman vampire, Hollow Earth Titans or…Jesus.

UAP: DEATH OF THE UFO / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“This revealing exposé charts the path of the government’s UFO investigations. When whistleblowers expose the truth, the world is presented with an answer: not only have UFOs been investigated all along, but the explorations have expanded well beyond space vehicles to include all UAPs (Unidentified Aerial Phenomena). Witness once-classified footage of aerial sights, sounds, and aircraft that cannot be explained. Will natural explanations be uncovered, or could these indeed be signs of life from beyond?”

Yet ANOTHER documentary using the same UFO footage over and over and over. Yes, we all know UFOs/UAPs are alien-piloted extraterrestrial aircraft. Get over it and move on.

The Future of Horror, Viva Las Frankenstein, Satanic Bubble Bath

2023 was a banner year for horror and brought us the return of Saw and The Exorcist, to big LOLs with horror comedies Cocaine Bear and Renfield, to stunningly good indie horror Talk To Me and No One Will Save You. Looking forward to 2024 (I think that’s next year), there’s some big horror titles geared to suck up our movie money like a Dyson Gen5detect Absolute™ vacuum cleaner: Con2tantine, Scream 7, Final Destination 6: Bloodlines, Beetlejuice 2, The Crow (reboot, actually), The Conjuring: Last Rites, and Smile 2. Mind you, none of these titles are set in stone and the art below isn’t official. Just like this blog.

So while we all countdown to 2024 for all of the above, as well as mouth-drooling-anticipated titles like A Quiet Place: Day One, They Follow, The Invisible Man 2, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, Nosferatu, The First Omen, Alien: Romulus (title may change), Return to Silent Hill, MaXXXine, Salem’s Lot and even more Amityville movies, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make it to 2024…

HEAD ON A PLATE / Out now (VOD)

“A shape-shifting alien wreaks havoc on a small rural town in the near the legendary Area 51 of ufo fame. These extraterrestrials are a brain-eating race who love to behead and eat humans. They are among us and have been for millions of years.”

If aliens have been among us for millions of years eating our human flesh groceries, why are we still here?

LAS VEGAS FRANKENSTEIN / Out now (VOD)

“When popular Vegas hypnotist Victor Van Pelt inherits Mary Shelley’s journal, he believes he has the key to the next greatest Vegas show — bringing life to the dead, live on stage.”

Bringing life to the dead, live on stage. Seems like an oxymoron.

BRITAIN’S GREATEST GHOST STORIES / Out now (VOD)

“A team of paranormal investigators use modern techniques and advanced technology looking into some of most famous ghost stories in and around Great Britain.”

This is based on the long-running/same-titled British TV series, which first aired in 2011. And still no one in America gives a fish or chip. (About England, not ghosts. P.S. Just kidding Londinians — we totally heart your fish ’n chips/funny accents.)

LUST, MAGIC AND THE WITCHES’ SABBATH / Out now (VOD)

“When young Morrigan moves away from home for a change of scenery, she never could have imagined the drastic turn her life would take. All roads soon lead to a sexy satanic bloodbath.”

Sexy satanic bloodbath. Sounds like something you’d buy at Bed, Goth & Beyond and pour into your bath water. 

Really Bad Habits, Hell Hat, Alien Happy Hour

The Convent, a splatstick horror comedy, came out in 2000 and contained shooty-shoot guns, bloody blood and…demon-y nuns. Sure, demon nuns are so commonplace these days you can’t get a rectory exam without tripping over one or more. But in 2000 the bedeviled vestals were things to avoid…or at the very least really fun party guests. And now you can finally see these superior mothers in action with the release of the movie with a special slipcover, featuring a new 4K UHD remaster of the uncut version. If that doesn’t drive you into the confession booth, this new edition of The Convent is limited to 4,000 Blu-rays/DVDs.

Here’s why you need this movie: “In 1960, a young woman named Christine enters St. Francis Boarding School for Girls and lays waste to the resident nuns. Four decades later, a group of college students head to the long-abandoned building late one night to tag it with their fraternity letters, little knowing that rumors of the place being haunted are terrifyingly true. Stir in a couple of disapproving cops and a band of unlikely Satanists, and the table is set for a feast of demonic infestation and bloodshed that only the grown-up Christine can possibly stop.”

The disc comes with a ton of extras, like deleted scenes, gore outtakes, a vintage “making of” featurette, and “It’s Always Something With a Virgin” liner notes booklet. Yep, there’s more, but I gotta go make a sandwich. Score this religious artifact by preordering exclusively via Synapse Films™ and DiabolikDVD™.

So while we all eat a communion sandwich and drink some Holy Water (aka, Budweiser™), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you church all over your Old Navy™ shirt…

THE ACTIVATED MAN / December 3, 2023 (VOD)

As Ors Gabriel struggles with the grief from losing his best friend and beloved dog to cancer, the trauma brings on strange visions only he can see. While he questions whether his mind has fractured or if it’s actually real. a mysterious rise in murder-suicides takes hold of the city, and Ors becomes haunted by images of a shadowy figure known as The Fedora Man. Through torments and terror, Ors must face his fears and confront The Fedora Man as he uncovers dark secrets from his past, while finally embracing who he really is, and what he is meant to do.”

Gotta take your hat off to The Fedora Man. He’ll put a bee in your bonnet. I could probably keep going, but I’m gonna put a lid on it.

THE CALLER / December 5, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“While housesitting in a secluded rural lodge and working from home, Customer Service agent Izzy gets terrorized by an upset psychopathic caller. The real nightmare begins when he decides verbal abuse isn’t enough. She soon finds herself in for the fight of her life.”

I wasn’t that upset. Psychopathic, perhaps. To color me otherwise is JUST F’N WRONG AND I’LL KILL YOUUUU… Okay, maybe a tad upset. 

ABIGAIL / December 5, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“In 1976 Alabama, Abigail and her mom move to a new town for a fresh start. A precocious teen, Abigail befriends the lonely boy next door and soon stands up to his bullies. As she takes him under her wing, the secrets of her past begin to surface. Though they take on the world together, he discovers she may have a more disturbing side.”

And when she axe you a question, you better answer.

ALIENS UNCOVERED: THE LOST RACE / December 5, 2023 (VOD)

“There’s vast amount of information about a group of beings that existed before mankind. So, why are they being hidden from modern society? Thorough investigations connected to art and ancient text reveal interactions between humans and a higher source of intelligence. Could this be the same group who’s identity is being kept concealed in the present day?”

Pffft! Interactions between humans and a higher source of intelligence is nothing new. It’s called Happy Hour for a reason.

Cutting Boards, Haunted Castles, Ultra Babysitter

Saw is one of the highest-grossing horror franchises of all time, beginning with Saw in 2004 ($103 million worldwide) and re-grabbing the box office with Saw X to the tune of $100 million and climbing in 2023. That’s a lot of sawing. Because of that, the franchise has expanded into various films and other media, including television series, video games, comic books, music, theme park attractions, and merchandising including toys, masks, and clothing. (I totally copied that off the Internet.) And now Saw can add a highly-interactive board game to its empire with SAW: The Jigsaw Trials.

This thing started out on Kickstarter™, and when the campaign was launched it’s goal of $12,228.00 was met in only 14 minutes. As of this blogging, Saw fans have made almost $127,449.00 worth of contributions. There are two versions of game: Standard for $55 and Collector’s Edition $80. I’d list all the extras (which are really cool), but just look at the graphic below to amaze one or more of your eyeballs.

Game play goes something like this: “This 1-6 player game will see you and your friends (rivals?) combining parts to build traps while preparing yourselves for those set against you. The better-tailored the traps, the harder they will be for your opponents to escape. Each trap has a unique story and game play challenge, and you can build over 2000 different traps. The game features a jigsaw damage system. Watch your character take damage as you swap jigsaw pieces to show the injuries taken to your arms and legs. Take too much, and you could lose your limbs completely! There is no healing in this game, instead you must focus on trying to die slower than everybody else. It’s bloody, it’s gory, it’s a whole lot of fun! Only one of you is making it out alive, and only they will be worthy of taking the name JIGSAW.”

While we all rush to get this game (18+ — click this) and play it with young and impressionable family members during the holidays, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you wanna saw your hand and/or foot off… 

ABIGAIL’S CASTLE: THE HAUNTING OF FEATHERSTONE CASTLE / Out now (VOD)

“A family who was tragically murdered in a ‘Romeo and Juliet’ incident in the 16th century, have been haunting the 1000 year old castle ever since.”

FYI: This one’s a documentary, which means the ghosts might be real. 

PARANORMAL UK: UFOs, CRYPTIDS & HAUNTINGS / Out now (VOD)

“From one of the most haunted houses in the world, to the most infamous alien encounter in UK history, explore some of the most terrifying encounters in England.”

A terrifying encounter I had in England back in the ’90s was when I was served fish ‘n chips soaked in malt vinegar. What the hell, England? Have you not heard of this new invention called ketchup? Geez.

CLOSE TO SHORE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A couple find artifacts more valuable than they first thought while diving head back to the ocean floor, hoping to avoid the sharks and a local kingpin who wants the sunken treasure for himself.”

And the sharks hope you’ll be unsuccessful in avoiding them. By the way, who do you think planted the treasure for you to find?

ULTRAMAN: RISING / Release pending 2024 (Netflix™)

“When baseball superstar Ken Sato returns home to Japan to pick up the mantle of Earth-defending superhero Ultraman, he quickly finds more than he bargained for as he’s forced to raise the offspring of his greatest foe.”

FYI: This is an animated movie. The other thing: This is not the official one-sheet for said animated movie. I made it myself because I couldn’t find the official one-sheet. It’ll come out someday, but I’m far too impatient to wait.

Halloween Slumber Party, New Jersey Devil, Evil Pizza Robots

Madame Tussauds™, the world famous wax museum, was founded in London back in 1835 and featured eerily lifelike displays of waxy mannequins of famous/notoriously famous persons. Madame Tussauds New York™, which opened November 15, 2000, is a tourist attraction located on 42nd Street in the Times Square Midtown Manhattan — and its guests look waxy and eerily lifelike. But on October 31, 2023, Madame Tussauds New York™ and InterContinental New York Times Square™ are doing Halloween like no other, offering the “ultimate spooky overnight stay” on October 31 at the entrance of Warner Bros.™ Icons of Horror. It’s there fans will have the “opportunity to privately explore the experience and get up close with some of the most iconic horror characters.” They had me at ultimate spooky overnight stay

From the press release: “Before the real tricks begin, guests will be treated to drinks and a three-course dinner from InterContinental’s™ room service menu, inspired by Warner Bros’.™ The Exorcist and New Line Cinema’s™ The Conjuring Universe and IT. When the museum’s doors close, the frightening overnight experience begins where guests will find their luxury accommodations materialized.”

If you have the pocket bling, there’s a once-in-a-lifetime horrifying experience for two guests for $4,000 (exclusive of taxes) and includes: “All-Inclusive tickets to the full Madame Tussauds™ experience during operating hours, private dinner inspired by Warner Bros.™ horror franchises, craft cocktails inspired by the very horror characters lurking next door, exclusive behind-the-scenes tour of the wax figure studio, led by the Madame Tussauds™ artists, custom-cast wax hands, personal photographer throughout the museum, including 10 professional photos, fully stocked minibar during the overnight stay, choice of breakfast the next morning at InterContinental New York Times Square’s™ The Stinger Cocktail Bar & Kitchen or room service inside the guest’s additional accommodation.” They had me at fully stocked minbar.

So while we all get in on this Halloween attraction action by calling 212-803-4580 or e-mailing ictsqsales@ihg.com for the full meal deal or click this for the wallet-friendly version, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave a waxy taste in your mouth…

NIGHT OF THE DEVIL / Out now (Scareplex™)

“It’s the night before Halloween (aka, Devil’s Night) in 1978 and four teens, Chris, Vivian, Davis, and Laurel enter the woods for some mischief, but instead they come face to face with the Devil. A night of fun turns into a hellish experience.”

The Devil lives in the woods? I thought it was New Jersey, hence the name, Jersey Devil.

SCARY TALES: DEAD ZONE / Out now (Tubi™)

An arguing couple on a drive ends up lost deep in the woods. When their car runs out of gas, they are forced to walk and discover a house in the middle of nowhere. Inside, a strange man with an interesting past has some tales to tell but the creatures in the stories won’t stay on the paper. From the Muffin Man to aliens, a world of horror comes to life…and there is no way out of the dead zone.”

Dead Zone or Twilight Zone? This one’s the third in a series, which goes back a few years with Scary Tales (2014) and Scary Tales: Last Stop (2015). And that’s two reasons this entry took eight years to come out.

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S / October 27, 2023 (Peacock™)

A troubled security guard begins working at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza. During his first night on the job, he realizes that the night shift won’t be so easy to get through. Pretty soon he will unveil what actually happened at Freddy’s.”

Evil animatronics AND pizza? Sign me up! 5NaF is based on the 2014 video game that was/is pretty gory and fun/funny. I ate a pizza while playing it. You know, to get in the zone. 

FREDDY’S FRIDAY / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“An evil man lures female victims to his lair to be sacrificed by monsters.”

You’d think this RIP-OFF intended to cash in on Five Nights at Freddy’s (2023) was made by RIP-OFF “filmmakers” Asylum Studios™, but it’s not. Asylum’s™ RIPP-OFFERY has now been adopted by the Brits. This really brasses me off.

Fear Fuel, Vegas Aliens, Evil Sharks

If you tried Hack ‘N’ Slash, the Friday the 13th energy drink, then your thirst for horror-themed energy drinks is about to get another stab in the throat with the Nightmare on Elm Street-inspired Dream Demon Tart Fruit Punch. And hey, it’ll give you the caffeine jolt needed to stay awake. (You got that joke, right?)

From G Fuel’s™ press release: “Dream Demon Tart Fruit Punch flavor will be available in a special collector’s box on Tuesday, October 17, 2023. G Fuel™ Dream Demon, also available as a ready-to-drink can, celebrates the infamous Springwood Slasher himself, Freddy Krueger! The collector’s box includes a 40-Serving tub of powdered energy formula and a 24 oz stainless steel A Nightmare on Elm Street G Fuel™ shaker cup bearing Freddy’s signature sweater design.”

G Fuel™ is anticipating a run on the collector box version, so all you nutty Elm Street fans might wanna get on the wait-list at GFuel.com. And while you do that, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not keep you up for three days at a time…

BORN TO RAISE HELL / Out now (VOD, DVD)

1966 Chicago, a fiendish criminal on a bender makes his way into a female dormitory, where a group of unsuspecting nursing students come face to face with pure evil. Based on the true crimes of cold-blooded thrill killer Richard Speck.”

Why do cold-blooded spree thrill killers always have to be so mean? If only they’d use rubber knives to get their stab on. Then it’d be win/win for everyone!

HUMAN HIBACHI: THE BEGINNING / Out now (Troma Now™)

“A brutal look at how Jin and the Human Hibachi films got their start in Japan.”

Third in the Human Hibachi series. If you could stomach the first two, the buffet is now open on this one.

ALIENS UNCOVERED: UFO’S OVER VEGAS / October 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Aliens Uncovered: UFO’s Over Vegas focuses on the secret connection between Arizona and Nevada with the help of a nine year collection of footage filmed by Steve Barone. We take an in depth look at fresh UFO content, and dissect one of Barone’s files that went viral because it appears to show an abduction. Through interpretation we determine if the unidentified flying objects that are currently over Area 51 and Nellis Air Force Base are man-made or from other worlds.”

Aliens in Vegas are hardly a new thing. Heck, when in town, extraterrestrials, on their way to visit old buddies at Area 51 (82.4 miles as the UFO flies), always stop at the Little A’Le’Inn in Rachel, Nevada. (P.S. Their Saucer Burger is out of this world.)

SHARK EVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A great white shark attacks fin poachers, some celebrating students and a model.”

This was originally titled White Shark. Shark Evil has way more zing.

Door-To-Door Aliens, Hellish Relationships, Apocalypse Pending

Ring™, makers of the popular security door camera, takes the crown for this year’s best Halloween promotion with Ring’s™ Million Dollar Search for Extraterrestrials. Finally, a big payday for capturing Ring™ footage of those space-y porch pirates.

Your task: “Between October 4 and November 3, 2023, remain vigilant for any Extraterrestrial sighting (as defined in the Official Rules) on your indoor or outdoor Ring™ device. If you capture an Extraterrestrial sighting on your Ring™ device, download and save the clip from the Ring™ app to your phone. Upload your Scientific Evidence of the Extraterrestrial (as defined in the Official Rules) via the submission form.”

“If no real Extraterrestrials stop by your house this Halloween season, don’t worry! We’re giving away ‘Out of this World’ prizes to the most creative submissions that do not qualify for the Grand Prize. Show us your best Extraterrestrial costumes, accessories, makeup, props, or other artificial means and you may be eligible to win a $500 Amazon gift card for your extraordinary creativity.”

To get in on the action, click here to sign up/enter. While you do just that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not ring your doorbell…

30 COINS / October 23, 2023 (HBO Max™ Europe), Release pending (HBO Max™ US)

“Most residents of Pedraza, a remote town in Spain plagued by inexplicable, demonic events, have lost their minds and are confined to a psychiatric hospital. Elena lies comatose in a Madrid hospital bed; Paco, shattered by remorse, tries to take care of her. As horror intensifies around them, our group of heroes must face a mysterious new enemy — someone so perverse that even the devil fears him.”

Sounds like they just met my bartender.

COURTNEY GETS POSSESSED / November 3, 2023 (VOD)

“A bumbling wedding party must battle the forces of Hell when a bride becomes possessed by the Devil (her ex-boyfriend) the night before her wedding.”

She probably should’ve told her fiance she used to knock pitchforks with Satan. 

LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND / DECEMBER 8, 2023 (Netflix™)

“A family vacation on Long Island is interrupted by two strangers bearing news of a mysterious blackout. As the threat grows more imminent, both families must decide how best to survive the potential crisis, all while grappling with their own place in this collapsing world.”

I hate blackouts — you end up watching TV in the dark.

BARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Nolan Bentley wakes up one morning tied to a tree, hands behind his back, with neither water nor food at his disposal. After suffering starvation and hunger for a few days, a passing outdoorsman pitches a tent right next to him and strikes up a conversation. As their discussion progresses, it becomes clear to Nolan that the man has no intention of saving him. What’s unclear, though, are his reasons for choosing not to intervene.”

This isn’t a movie, it’s a frat hazing.

Cryptic Cryptids, People Under The Stares, Freshly-Scrubbed Serial Killer

Everybody not living under a rock has heard of Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, Mothman, Abominable Snowman, The Jersey Devil and El Chupacabra. But how many of you have heard of lesser known mythical creatures, like Wampus Cat or Jackalope or The Malawi Terror Beast, The Pope Lick Monster or The Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp? If more people knew about these guys, these B-list beasts could cash in on merch sales the way Bigfoot and Nessie have been doing for decades. (I would very much like a Mongolian Death Worm coffee cup, please.)

There are one billion and a half books on cryptids and their lineage, but my go-to read has been Cryptozoology A To Z: The Encyclopedia of Loch Monsters, Sasquatch, Chupacabras, and Other Authentic Mysteries of Nature by famed folklore authors Loren Coleman and Jerome Clark. This book came out in 1999 and remains a near-definitive assessment of all things cryptid. If it allegedly exists, you’ll find it here.

I myself have even published a rundown of some of the world’s most notable cryptids and more in The Best of ManSplat (68 pages, newspaper tabloid). The article, titled Mysterious Mysteries Solved! covers everything from Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, crop circles, UFOs, ghosts, hippies and more in beer-soaked detail. Get a shamelessly self-promoted copy here.

So while you ALL order The Best of ManSplat (for adult eyes only as there’s LOTS of nudity/salty language/alcohol references up the wazoo/whazoo), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not exist…

15 CAMERAS / October 13, 2023 (VOD)

When Cam and Sky bought their duplex, it seemed like the perfect investment opportunity for the young couple; a starter home, a mortgage offset by renters, and even a guest room for Sky’s sister, Carolyn. However, as Sky and Cam slowly uncover hidden cameras and secrets of the duplex’s previous owner, obsession consumes their marriage and they both fall into destructive forms of voyeurism. When new tenants move in downstairs, their fixation with observing others has deadly consequences and they are forced to confront the very things they have been consumed by.”

The movie is a sequel to 13 Cameras (2015) and 14 Cameras (2018). regardless, I’m ready for my closeup.

BARRY CLEANSKINS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Something evil has awoken from centuries of slumber. In the sleepy suburb of Northvale where all is not well. Police are investigating the growing number of missing persons cases, which seem to repeat a pattern the same are over 20 years ago.”

Barry Cleanskins. With a name like that, he should be a spokesperson for Irish Spring Deodorant Soap™.

TIGER STRIPES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An 11-year-old girl who is carefree until she starts to experience horrifying physical changes to her body.”

Uh yeah, it’s called puberty.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS: DEATH AND PORRIDGE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Never enter into someone’s house without permission.”

YET ANOTHER entry into the recent gold rush to turn children stories/nursery rhymes into horror movies. When you think about it, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, published in 1922, was the first home invasion story.

Halloween x III, Time Traveling Religion, Color Blind Entities

Anyone can go to the gas station and buy a Halloween pumpkin in celebration of our savior, Michael Myers. But if you really wanna ramp up your “all things All Hallow’s Eve” game, head over to BottleneckGallery.com and snag one — or all three variants — of Halloween III: Season of the Witch prints by the fantastically talented artist, Sara Deck. These 24”x36” prints, depending on which version you want, are hand-numbered and limited in quantity from 75 to 150 and are reasonably priced between $60 and $80 bones. You might wanna grab one or more quick — these beauties aren’t gonna last long. (click here)

For those out of touchers who’ve never heard of — or seen — Halloween III: Season of the Witch, it came out in 1982 and is the only movie of the entire 13 Halloween movie franchise that does not feature Micheal Myers. Don’t freak out — this standalone flick is loaded with great Halloween tropes, crazy gore and one of the more LOL endings you’ll ever see. Here’s the plot in a candy dish: “Kids all over America want Silver Shamrock masks for Halloween. Dr. Daniel Challis seeks to uncover a plot by Silver Shamrock owner Conal Cochran.” Warning: Once you hear the Silver Shamrock theme song, you’ll never forget it. Ever.

The timing of these prints is spot on: Halloween, the movie that started it all, came out October 22, 1978 and — happy happy joy joy — is heading back into movie theaters for its 45th anniversary. So while you call every movie theater in a 100-mile radius to see if they’ll be screening it, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not have an ear worm soundtrack…

WE ARE NOT ALONE / October 3, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“The question of whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered. Serena DC and Michael Mazzola meet with the world’s leading ufologists and contactees — Dr. Steven Greer, Paola Harris, Jacques Vallee, Adam Curry, Andrea Perron, Danny Sheehan — to discover who these extraterrestrial visitors are and why they are visiting Earth.”

Preaching to the choir, man.

THE CHAPEL / October 5, 2023 (Spain), Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD, US)

“Emma wants to learn how to communicate with the spirit of a little girl who has spent centuries trapped inside a chapel, and so she tries to convince Carol, a skeptical and fake medium, to help her. Contacting the spirit will help her to remain close to her sick mother once she dies. What Carol doesn’t suspect is that Emma really does have ‘the gift’ and, if she keeps on trying to use it without her help, she will be putting her young life at risk.”

I think it’d be cool to talk to the dead. They could give you winning Lotto™ numbers, tell you how to sneak into movie theaters without paying, and hang out with other spirits in bars after they close. Heh.

IMPURATUS / October 10, 2023 (VOD)

Detective Clayton Douglas, a troubled cop, is summoned to a remote insane asylum to investigate a bizarre case. He meets a dying patient named Daniel Glassman, who claims to have been possessed by a malevolent entity in the year 1862. With Sister Rose providing spiritual aid, Clayton is transported back in time as he uncovers the horrifying truth behind Glassman’s possession. As he and the others question their faith and fight for their very souls, they soon realize that the forces of darkness are more powerful than they ever could have imagined. Will Clayton and his team be able to put an end to the entity’s reign of terror before it’s too late?”

Okay, what? Nuns have time travel capabilities? Maybe I should give this church thing a try.

INDIGO / October 19, 2023 (VOD, Spain)

“Zora has been described as an indigo since childhood, making her life always haunted and targeted by supernatural beings. Alongside her younger sibling, who is also an indigo, they strive to overcome their fear of these unseen attacks.”

Indigo is a supernatural gift? I thought indigo was a color made by mixing 55% pigment cyan with 45% pigment magenta. Maybe supernatural beings are like Spanish bulls that get their horns in a knot when someone waves a red (or “crimson”) flag in front of ’em.