Fructose Freaks, Psycho Paths, Real Estate Witches

As kids, we got our junkie-high off such mono-saccharides-radiated breakfast cereals as Cap’n Crunch™, Lucky Charms™, Fruity Pebbles™ and, my fav, the one-two punch of Quisp™ and Quake™. Wheaties™ may have given themselves the tagline of “Breakfast of Champions,” but a salad bowl of Sugar Smacks™ with a Pabst™ chaser had that crown long before Wheaties™ was even invented.

But for the horror-inclined, THE breakfast go-to was Boo Berry™, Franken Berry™, and later Fruit Brute™ and Yummy Mummy™. These cereals were reissued in later years, but now General Mills™, for the first time in over three decades, is introducing a new horror cereal: Carmella Creeper™. My sugar-frosted pancreas doesn’t know whether to celebrate or call the doctor.

From MonsterCereals.com: “The General Mills™ Monster Cereals have been an annual staple of Halloween since the early 1970s. We haven’t gotten a new character since Yummy Mummy’s™ arrival back in 1988, which makes Carmella Creeper™ the first new Halloween mascot in 35 years!”

Just so you have something to look forward to for a hangover breakfast beside a handful or water and a glass full of aspirin, General Mills™ is also doing a Monster Mash Remix™ cereal this Halloween: all six Monsters Cereals flavors: Carmella Creeper™, Frute Brute™, Count Chocula™, Boo Berry™, Franken Berry™ and Yummy Mummy™.”

So while we find something to do that results in getting insane munchies and devouring an entire box of any of these insanity delicious cereals with our hands, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not require you to get a prescription of Metformin after digesting ’em…

THE ONES YOU DIDN’T BURN / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After his father’s suicide a young man returns to his rural family home to prepare it for sale where he meets two women who claim the land was stolen from their ancestors after they were accused of being witches. He soon finds himself at the center of an occult conspiracy that led to his father’s death and now threatens to destroy him.”

You don’t wanna mess with those gals — witches give you stitches.

LUMBERJACK THE MONSTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Akira Ninomiya is a remorseless lawyer who doesn’t hesitate to eliminate anyone who stands in his way. One night he is brutally attacked by an unknown assailant wearing a monster mask. Although he miraculously survives the assault, Ninomiya becomes fixated on finding the attacker and getting revenge. Meanwhile, a series of gruesome murders occur where the victims are found with their brains removed from their bodies. While police conduct an intensive investigation, Ninomiya seeks revenge against the assaulter. Who will uncover the truth first?”

Serial Killer vs. Psychopath. Sounds like a WWE™ pay-per-view…with violence.

INHERIT THE WITCH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In 1984 a family throws a 14th-birthday party for Cory and Jessie. Thirty years later, what’s left of the family reunites for the father’s funeral at two isolated houses in the forest, historically a hotbed of witchcraft. There, horrific truths are slowly uncovered about the family’s occult pact with an ancient evil that has secretly been at the core of their wealth and power, as the remaining siblings uncover the true bloody darkness behind their inheritance.”

Didn’t I just preview this above?

OPEN HOUSE / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A young mother and her teenage daughter live a vagabond life, bouncing from town to town, squatting in homes they tricked Realtors into showing them during the day, and then breaking into them later at night, so they have somewhere to sleep. This grift seems to be working well until the two come across an overzealous realty couple, who show the duo a house, but refuse to let them leave.”

This one’s being described as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets The Rocky Horror Picture Show. So musical power tools?

Vampire Bridgework, Death Cloud, Zombie Block Party

“Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you,” goes the saying. And nowhere is that more true than with vampires and werewolves. Their trademark chompers are the tools of their trade, so it makes sense to keep them well-maintained. A bit easier to do for walruses, though — with their teeth outside their mouth, it makes brushing ’em way easier.

But if you’re not a vampire, werewolf or walrus, go to VampFangs.com and pick up a set of snap-on snappers that never need brushing or flossing. Unless you bite into a gristly neck/buttsteak. No tooth doctor needed as these things are easily attached and come in a wide range of carnassials to accommodate your particular death grin. VampFang offers everything from classic vampire to professional werewolf, as well as retractable, chrome metallic and glow in the dark versions. (Not recommended for the creature of the night trying to be stealthy.) And these monster molars are totally affordable, ranging in price from $17.99 to $39.99.

While we cancel our dentist appointment and get some of these deadly dentures, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite… 

CANNIBAL COMEDIAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic cannibal, fed up with his lack of ambition, tries his hand at stand-up comedy in an attempt to satisfy his appetite for normalcy.”

Fed up. Interesting choice of words. So where would a cannibal comedian perform? A logical guess would be a dinner club. Heh.

ALIEN STORM / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Frank McConnelly is a loving father and husband, a brilliant business man, and a secret doomsday prepper. To celebrate taking his company public, Frank is putting on the party of the year in his Las Vegas mansion. During the party The President of the United States gives an address warning people to stay inside due to a strange weather pattern that is cutting off communications with major cities across the globe. Suddenly the power goes out as a massive fog bank moves in. In the ensuing chaos Frank escorts people down to safety of his bunker. Everyone is surprised to see the bunker is actually an underground house complete with a yard and a pool. But, In the thick fog something is stirring. Something that hungers. Will the bunker protect them or will they be the next meal?”

I have an underground pool, too. It’s called a leaky basement. FYI: No diving board OR lifeguard on duty. Also, the water is brown. Think of it as swimming in chocolate milk.

CORA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cora is working for an organization trying to reverse the effects of the apocalypse after a deadly mist has covered Earth, effectively wiping out most of humanity.”

Back in my roommate days, we called this deadly mist a “sh*t fog,” wherein one rent-splitter goes in the bathroom after a Jalisco’s Mexican Fiesta Platter™ meal to do a bit of “recycling.” At that point said person turns on the shower to get the bathroom fog-thick steamy. Then said person opens the bathroom door and all the permeated steam spreads throughout the dwelling, sticking to the curtains, rug, bedding, clothing and nostrils. Goodbye humanity. And goodbye roommate.

STATE OF DESOLATION release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a viral outbreak turns into a full-scale zombie pandemic, two mismatched survivors — Freddie, a war-weary retired special forces operative and Claire Davis, a young pampered suburbanite — begin a long trek to reach the perimeter of the hundred mile quarantine zone that used to be Los Angeles. Along the way the two very different people form a powerful bond, which will be put to the test as they try to survive marauding cannibals, doomsday cults, and hordes of the undead.”

Zombies…cannibals…doomsday cults. Sounds like a block party, or as we call it in my neighborhood, casual Friday.

Beastly Beers, Wicked Wind, Dating Vampires

The horror of beer is running out…or not having any at all. (I get the shakes just thinking about it.) But there are horror-themed beers that, if you drink ‘em all, you’d still have a cool can as a keepsake. So where do you obtain such canned and/or bottled delights? Here’s a few horror beers to make up for not having enough horror —or beer — in your world…

BATSQUATCH – ROGUE ALES (NEWPORT, OR)

Description: “A hazy IPA with balanced blends of El Dorado and Belma hops, imperial juice yeast and sweet, outdoorsy aroma. 6.7% ABV.” Note: Pairs nicely with thirst.

TROLL DESTROYER – 18TH STREET BREWERY (HAMMOND, IN)

Description: “A Belgian IPA with a sweet, citrus aroma up front, and a heavy El Dorado hop flavor. 8.5% ABV.” Pairs nicely with life.

BRAIN BELT ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL – AUGUST SCHELL BREWING COMPANY (NEW ULM, MN)

Description: “An American Lager. 4.9% ABV.” Pairs nicely with human flesh.

More to add to your bar tab wish list: Draculager (Woodland Empire/ Boise, ID), Creepshow (Warped Wing Brewing Co./Dayton, OH), and I-P-Alien (Odd13 Brewery/Lafayette, CO). All of these pair nicely with your brain cells.

While you road trip it every one of those states to drown yourself in the local flavors, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not had a budget more than your bar tab…

MINACIOUS / Out now (VOD)

“A customer service agent working from home is terrorized by a dissatisfied psychopathic caller.”

Try as you may, you just can’t please a psycho, no matter how many times you apologize for forgetting a birthday/anniversary/Christmas/leaving the lid up.

FIRENADO / January 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Four scientists uncover a ground-breaking technology capable of controlling weather. On the first use of the device, it malfunctions and creates a fire tornado. As the Firenado leaves a wake of destruction, the group assist in evacuating nearby residents but stumble upon into an organized crime home invasion. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, the group struggle to survive the two threats.”

Pffft — The X-Men’s Storm has been controlling weather since 1975. And she didn’t have to go to scientist school to learn how to do it, either. Natural skillz, b*tches!

THE PRICE WE PAY / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After a pawn shop robbery goes askew, two criminals take refuge at a remote farmhouse to let the heat die down, but find something much more menacing.”

It’s cow flop. And not just any sidewalk brand cow flop — this is MENACING cow flop. And it’s friggin’ everywhere. That’s what you get for being a criminal and thinking a farmhouse was a good place to hide out. What a bunch of dumbs.

THE LAST NOSFERATU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Ethan has been single for several months and is frequenting bars when he decides to meet people via Internet sites. One night, he dates Black Pearl, whom he literally falls in love with. But hardly met, she disappears. She’s not answering his calls, so he decides to go looking for her. One evening, Black Pearl resurfaces and seems to be hiding a mysterious secret that will lead him to a tragic fate.”

Dating a vampire would totally…suck. Hey, how could I NOT encore with that? It’s what I do.

Monster Face, Skin Snacks, Braless Bloodshed

Have you ever wanted to look like Godzilla but found that plastic surgery and/or being exposed to radiation is just to darn too costly? Super7™ has your back (and face) with their slick, fully-licensed Godzilla mask, priced at an easily-borrowed $20. Having a Godzilla mug not enough? Super7™ also has Hedorah and Mechagodzilla masks as well. Get all three for $60 to switch up your game — then go out on the town and knock a few buildings over.

From their website: “Be the King of the Monsters, the Smog Monster Hedorah, or the mechanical wonder Mechagodzilla for Halloween or every day of the year with the officially licensed Super7 x Toho retro masks! Made of high quality plastic with an elastic headband and with retro packaging.”

While you look for a shirt and trousers to go with your new and improved features, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with radiation… 

CHUYEN MA GAN NHÀ (Vietnamese Horror Story) / Out now (Screambox™)

“This horror anthology film presents three tales inspired by the country’s urban legends and folklore: an actress seeking everlasting beauty; a magician who makes a deal with evil; and a psychic seeking the remains of a deceased girl.”

This Vietnamese movie came out earlier this year and was a huge hit. It’s now available in the States. Wish I knew it was gonna be released here before I flew all the way to Southeast Asia to catch the matinee. (I loaded up on Cu-do Candy, Bim Bim and some Mut at the snack bar — only cost me 37,1625 dong.) 

THE SAWYER MASSACRE / Out now (YouTube™)

“On June 30th, 1965, Jimmy’s friends bring him to the Texas countryside to escape city life after a terrible tragedy. In need of supplies for their cabin, they ascend to a nearby gas station where they are directed to find their supplies at an isolated farmhouse but this property is not as it seems. They soon find themselves hunted by a human flesh-eating psychopath with an arsenal of violent tools at his disposal. If any live through the nightmare, they’ll wish they hadn’t.”

This Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) prequel answers the question of how much flesh can a flesh-eating psychopath eat. Irregardless of the saturated fat, probably a lot. And hey, you could make deli-sawed butt sandwiches out of the leftovers.

THE BOOGEYMAN /January 2023 (Hulu™)

“A sixteen-year-old and her younger sister, still reeling from the death of their mother, are targeted by a supernatural boogeyman after their father, a psychologist, has an encounter with a desperate patient in their house.”

This movie is based on the 1973 Stephen King short story, which later showed up in his best-selling Night Shift collection in 1978. Didn’t read it — I never learned to read until 1981. Late bloomer.

MURDERCISE / Release pending June 2023 (VOD)

“Phoebe is an obsessed fitness nerd who gets her big break on a sleazy workout video. After being ridiculed by her co-stars, Phoebe befriends a mafia princess wild child, who teaches her how to murder her way to the top.”

Warning — this movie features exercising girls not wearing bras. Be careful not to hurt yourself watching it.

Watercolor Horror, Upside Down Reality, Jinn Genie

Another watercolor masterpiece by the magically talented Christopher Shy, whose work I’ve e-showcased here numerous e-times. This isn’t key art for the upcoming Joker movie, but it should be. In fact, Shy has done piles of movie art that Hollywooders should be tripping over themselves to license.

Shy has done dazzling treatments of everything from The Evil Dead and Pet Sematary, to War of the Gargantuas and Poltergeist. (Crossing fingers that he might eventually do one of Dude, Where’s My Car?) And he does color variants of each one, kinda like putting different colored lightbulbs in all your lamps.

You can buy his art by clicking HERE. Make sure to rummage through your mom’s purse for coinage as these pieces range from $105.00 to $230.00. (Hope my mother has a big purse as I want about 12 of his paintings.) But before you go to the Bank of Mom for a hefty withdrawal, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by a little dash of Christopher Shy’s cover art…

WE HAVE ALWAYS LIVED IN THE CASTLE (available now)
Two sisters live secluded in a large manor and care for their deranged uncle. The rest of their family died five years before, under suspicious circumstances. When a cousin arrives for a visit, family secrets and scandals unravel.”

They had me at “deranged uncle,” who, by the way, is played by Crispin Glover. So yeah, typecasting.

DARK SENSE (available now)
“Predicting his own death at the hands of a serial killer, a psychic must enlist the help of an ex-special forces soldier to track down the psychopath and evade the government agents out to exploit his special powers.”

If I were a psychic, I’d become a weatherman and “forecast” the weather so accurately, I’d be, like, double rich.

JINN (June 13, 2019/Netflix™)
“A group of teenagers whose lives are disrupted when a Jinn in the form of a teenage boy appears to them in the ancient city of Petra. Their friendships and young romances are tested when they set out to stop an even greater darkness that is threatening to destroy the world. Can they come together in time, and find the answers needed, in order to save everything?”

This is a TV series that Netflix™ is describing as a “contemporary supernatural teenage drama.” Take the word “teen” out of it and it might actually be watchable.

THE COMA (2019)
“After a colossal and mysterious accident a young talented architect comes back to his senses in a very odd world that only resembles the reality. This world is based on the memories of the ones who live in it — people who are currently finding themselves in a deep coma. Human memory is spotty, chaotic and unstable. The same is the COMA — odd collection of memories and recollections — cities, glaciers and rivers can all be found in one room. All the laws of physics can be broken. The architect must find out the exact laws and regulations of COMA as he fights for his life, meets the love of his life and keeps on looking for the exit to the real world which he will have to get acquainted with all over again after the experience of COMA.”

This Russian-made sci-fi is a visual stunner. Good thing; if you don’t speak Russia words, it’ll all be Greek to you.

Snaring Zombies, Memory Bots, NSFW Horror

If you’re a musician, you probably know about Reverb.com, a marketplace for people to buy, share and trade a myriad of music instruments, gear, accessories and broken rock dreams. It was here I found a custom George Romero/Night of the Living Dead-inspired snare drum, a novel way to pound on zombies.

This 6 lug, 14-inch “drum of the living dead” will set you back $149.99 plus $32.00 to ship it from Manchester, NH. Not sure if you play it with drum sticks or a machete or a machete shaped like a drum stick.

Before you go all marching drum on the undead, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not keep a beat…

DERELICT (available now)
“Three friends find themselves fighting for their lives when their urban exploration goes horribly wrong.”

These guys go into an abandoned building covered in graffiti that looks like it was done by an artistic seagull with diarrhea. Then, for no reason whatsoever, they encounter a gas mask wearing killer with a hay baling hook and leather pants. Now we know what happened to all those law-breaking graffiti artists. Damn punks.

HAVANA DARKNESS (available now)
“Traveling to Havana, Cuba, to investigate the origins of a mysterious manuscript supposedly written by acclaimed American novelist, Ernest Hemingway, three friends are thrust into a terrifying game of cat and mouse when they find themselves trapped inside an abandoned building nestled in the center of the country’s vibrant capital. With time running out fast the threesome must maneuverer through a maze of deadly traps to find a way out of the building before they’re hunted down.”

Other countries have abandoned buildings and serial killers, too? Who knew?

VIOLENTIA (available now)
“A nano-tech engineer finds a way to recreate memories using nanobots. But when his daughter is killed in a school shootout, he enlists in a secret government program to find a cure for violence using a psychopath’s memories as testing ground. This leads him down a dark path where the lines between reality and memories begin to blur.”

If that guy stuck nanobots in my head to extract memories, they better be outfitted with hip-waders.

TERROR 5 (April 5, 2019)
“While most of the residents of a small Argentinian town attend a funeral procession following a tragic building collapse, the few who do not will face terrors of their own in this mash-up of urban legends. Bondage, torture, zombies, governmental corruption.”

The trailer shows a scene of a guy wearing Gene Simmons/KISS makeup while riding wildly on a motorcycle. It also shows some sex and bare naked nudity. Not sure which I like better.

Streaming Zombies, Witch Sisters, Evil Internet

Netflix™, the world’s most popular movie streaming service, is set to unleash a zombie apocalypse come April 11, 2019. A prequel of sorts to the five-season Z Nation on the SyFy™ Channel (cool series, but at times a bit hard to chew on), this one takes place just a few months after the humanity diaper-change. Whereas Z Nation started out four years into the deadening.

Here’s what to expect: “Set in the dark, early days of a zombie apocalypse, a mother torn from her daughter who embarks upon a harrowing journey to find her. Thrust alongside a small group of American refugees, these complete strangers must find the strength they need to fight their way back to loved ones. But in order for Rose and her team to brave this hostile new world, they will need to make brutal decisions to contend with zombies — and each other.”

Kinda stock for a zombie uprising. But hey, what walking dead premise isn’t? If this ain’t your jam, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth a Netflix™ subscription…

BLOOD CRAFT (April 9, 2019)
“Two sisters who suffered abuse as children at the hands of their sadistic father decide, after his death, to use witchcraft to bring his spirit back to get revenge.”

Which begs the question — how do you get revenge on a ghost? It’s not like you could squirt shaving cream in his hand while he’s sleeping and then tickle his nose. If you could, that would be super harsh punishment.

DEPRAVED (2019)
Alex leaves his girlfriend Lucy after an emotional night, walking the streets alone to get home. From out of nowhere, he is stabbed in a frenzied attack, with the life draining out of him. He awakes to find he is the brain in a body he does not recognize. This creature, Adam, has been brought into consciousness by Henry, a brilliant field surgeon suffering from PTSD after two tours in the Mideast, and his accomplice Polidori, a predator determined to cash in on the experiment that brought Adam to life. Henry is increasingly consumed with remorse over what he’s done and when Adam finally discovers a video documenting his own origin, he goes on a rampage that reverberates through the group and tragedy befalls them all.”

Sounds like Frankenstein’s getting a makeover. I bet the Queer Eye guys could do miracles with this fashion hot mess.

A PSYCHO’S PATH (2019)
“Set in the late ’60s, a psychopath that stalks the streets of a small California desert town, killing it’s residents at random. This leaves Captain Peters and his small police force to search for the killer’s whereabouts before more victims turn up.”

So where would a killer hide in a small desert town? I don’t think this psychopath thought this one out.

NEKROTRONIC (2019)
“Howard North, who unknowingly holds a secret power, is dragged into a conflict between a family of badass demon hunting Nekromancers, and Finnegan — an evil demon who has possessed the world’s Internet — and is also his mother. Molly, a fierce Nekromancer warrior, is desperate to destroy the demon and believes that Howard has the right stuff to become a true hero. Together, they must work together to exorcise the fiend from the web and blow her back to Hell.”

An evil demon who has possessed the world’s Internet? Not sure how that works, especially when the Internet has already possessed the world. Still, I bet this evil thingamajig knows all the cool porn sites.

Coffin Movies, Human Supper Club, Death Boat

Not sure what I think about this: “The Goteborg Film Festival in Sweden, beginning on January 27, 2019, will be offering up 33 “sarcophagus screenings” of Aniara, a Swedish-language apocalyptic sci-fi film.” Yeesh, what’s next — sneak previews in a gas chamber?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, eight volunteers at a time will be shut into specially made caskets outfitted with screens, speakers and air vents. Inside the coffin will be a “panic” button for anyone who gets too freaked out. 

I’d break my finger pushing that button. Points for creativity, though. As for Aniara (2018), here’s this about that: “A spaceship carrying settlers to Mars is knocked off course, causing the consumption-obsessed passengers to consider their place in the universe.” I can feel their pain — my life would be nothing if it weren’t for drunk bidding on eBay™.

Before you go hopping into any movie sarcophagus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have you reaching for the panic button. And remember, it’s not the coffin they take you off in, it’s the coffin that takes you often…

FOLKLORE (February 1, 2019/ HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand)
“Folklore is HBO’s newest foray into the horror anthology genre. The series, which contains six hour-long episodes, will take place in six Asian countries including Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand. Each of the six episodes is based on that respective country’s folklore and mythology, which includes various supernatural beings and strange occult practices. Each episode will be helmed by a different director, with each episode filmed in the local language of that particular country.”

This one was already aired on HBO Asia on October 7, 2018. (I didn’t know Asia changed its name.) As cool as the anthology series sounds, doesn’t do me much good if each episode is filmed in its native language. Geez, I can barely speak whatever language I’m currently burping out now.

BENEATH THE LEAVES (February 8, 2019/limited theater/VOD)
“Among countless others, four small-town boys are kidnapped by James Whitley, a deranged, warm-eyed psychopath. His grotesque pursuit to reunite orphaned children with their deceased birth parents is gridlocked when the boys escape and he is arrested. Twenty years later, Whitley flees during a prison fire and decides to see his mission through. Detective Larson, one of Whitley’s prior victims — and now a cop — is removed from the case due to impartiality leaving his partner and lover, Detective Shotwell to solve the case. Fueled by rage and a chance of redemption, Detective Larson chases the steadfast psychopath on his own, only to fall back into the same trap he once escaped as a child.”

Fueled by rage. Kinda my mantra. Hope career criminal James Whitely doesn’t try to kidnap me — I’ve got a full tank.

THE CANNIBAL CLUB (March 1, 2019/limited theater/ March 5, 2019/VOD)
“Otavio and Gilda are a very wealthy couple of the Brazilian elite who have the habit of eating their employees. Otavio owns a private security company and is a notable member of The Cannibal Club. When Gilda accidentally discovers a secret from Borges, a powerful congressman and the club’s leader, her and her husband’s lives are in grave danger.”

Eating your employees — doesn’t sound too tasty, but it does cut down on having to hand out raises and buying groceries.

HARPOON (2019)
“With his perfect family and perfect upbringing, Richard appears to have it all. So when he thinks that his long-term girlfriend, Sasha and best-friend, Jonah, are having an affair, it sends him into a fit of rage that leaves Jonah a bloody mess. Once Jonah and Sasha convince Richard the allegations are false, Richard tries to buy back their trust by taking them out for a day-trip on his family’s yacht. Tension boils over once out to sea, and, to make matters worse, the yacht’s engine fails. Stranded without food and supplies, the trio must set aside their differences in order to survive.”

Can’t remember the title, but there was a Japanese horror movie with the same plot. It didn’t end well for them, either. I think they were all eaten by a giant octopus with nine arms. I could be slightly wrong about that.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
“Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
“Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

Frightening Footwear, Ceramic Vampires, Child-Eating Monsters

Frank the Bunny was the breakout star of 2001’s mind-bending Donnie Darko, the story of a kid who survives a freak accident, only to discover the secrets of the universe and the gained ability to alter time. (In non-movie terms, we call that “drinking”.) Frank, the man in the rabbit suit, would show up every so often and talk Donnie into committing crimes. (“Frank” could very well be another name for “beer”.)

Since Frank is clearly an upstanding role model, it’s awesome to now be able to own a pair of Frank Slippers for the mere price of $41.89, available at Firebox.com. (They also sell spreadable gin for $14.00 a jar. I didn’t know spreadable gin came in a jar as opposed to, say, a quart bottle with a screw cap.) You need both — click HERE to go get ’em.

While you’re waiting for your fantasy footwear to arrive via some sort of mail delivery service, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not alter time — or keep your feet warm…

THE FORCES OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY SERIES VOLUME 1 (available now)
“In this blood-curdling horror anthology, a troubled young girl named Libby visits her psychiatrist to recount the terrifying stories of four nightmares that have been troubling her sleeping hours. The kindly doctor tries to explain away the dreams as the result of normal childhood anxieties, but as the tales become more gruesome, he begins to believe that ‘Libby’ may not be who she says she is.”

I’ve never really understood the term “blood-curdling.” Does it mean something is so scary it turns your hemoglobin into cottage cheese? If that’s the case, I’ll have to pass — cottage cheese tastes like unsalted, wet, air-popped popcorn. Blood, on the other hand…

WILDING (April 13, 2018)
“Anna is a woman who spent her entire childhood locked in the attic under the care of a mysterious man she only knows as Daddy. Anna is scared to death of a creature he calls the Wildling, a child-eating monster that roams outside. After a small-town sheriff Ellen Cooper frees Anna and helps her start a new life, her childhood nightmares of the Wildling return, disrupting the possibility of a normal life.”

Word around the dog park is that Wilding is a werewolf movie. This is very cool. And people in the dog park who don’t use pooper scoopers? That is very not cool.

VAMPIRE CLAY (available now/Japan/2017 | 2018, U.S.)
After studying in Tokyo, Kaori returns to Aina Academy to finish her prep classes for art school. Her time away has made her a better artist than most of her classmates and she soon begins making top scores on projects. Things begin to get strange, however, when she finds some clay left behind by the building’s previous owner, who died tragically at his workshop, and begins to use it for sculpting assignments. Following a mishap with a razor blade and the disappearance of one of her most jealous classmates, her teacher and the other students soon find themselves dealing with murderous, bloodthirsty clay monsters. The figures attempt to imitate and subsequently devour the students (seriously), thus answering the age old question: can a work of art be so bad that it kills?”

Who in their right mind would pass up a movie called Vampire Clay? That’s right up there with Basket-Woven Bigfoot. This came out in Japan in 2017, but I never got to see it as I heard the theater that showed it sold dried squid snacks instead of the slightly-less fishy tasting red vines. But hey, give me a bucket of seaweed and I’m good to go.

ROKUROKU: PROMISE OF THE WITCH (available now/Japan | 2018/U.S.)
“Structured like an anthology with intermingling segments, Rokuroku features everything from a deep sea kaiju, to a cackling disembodied head, to a sickle-handed psychopath. A supernatural force hurls schoolgirls off of rooftops. An old man faces the return of a horrific creature from his youth. Childhood friends recall a long forgotten promise that leads them to room 666 of a horrifying hotel.”

Impressive — the only thing missing is a basket-woven Bigfoot. I wonder, though, if the sickle-handed psychopath is available to trim my hedges? If he does a good job, I’d be happy to recommend him on Thumbtack.com.