Archive for The Crow

Upside Down House, Woodland Werewolf, Kids-Only Apocalypse

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Yet another Stranger Things-related real estate offering, this one being the horror house where Vecna dwelt/dwells. In case you forgot/didn’t care, Vecna was/is the super mean sentient creature from the Upside Down, the place where the tavern floor is the ceiling and the ceiling is the tavern floor. (Don’t worry — it makes sense after you’ve had a few.)

Vecna’s shack — aka, the Creel House — is going for $1.5 million in loose bus change. It’s located in Rome, GA (I thought Rome was in Italia) and has 6,000 square feet — plenty of room to store a lot of things…upside down. Heh. It also has seven bedrooms and (gasp!) seven bathrooms…and one with a cast-iron urinal. How metal. Toilet paper, unfortunately, is not included. 

Just a few years ago (2019), the pre-evilized house was purchased (or “bought”) for $350,000. After a little restoration, some rust-free coating on the aforementioned heavy metal watering pot, and a ton of free advertising on Stranger Things, apparently there’s no price ceiling on these ceilings. 

While you put a cast-iron urinal on your Christmas piss list, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with rust-free coating… 

SHADOW MASTER / November 4, 2022 (Theaters), November 8, 2022 (Apple TV™)

“Slain during a ferocious fight and reborn with supernatural powers, one man stands between demonic forces bent on hastening the Apocalypse and a ragtag group of apartment dwellers protecting their children from certain peril. Shadow Master is an outrageous mix of haunted house chills and martial arts thrills, featuring jaw-dropping fight choreography.”

Looks like someone’s been tik-talking with The Crow (1994).

BUZZ CUT / December 12, 2022 (VOD)

The Hash House Harriers (a drinking club with a running problem) are on a 25th anniversary get-together when they accidentally cross paths with a beekeeper, who also happens to be a serial killer in this crazy Kiwi horror-comedy that’s part Animal House and part ’80s slasher movie.”

A beekeeping serial killer and a drinking club. Sounds like Candyman joined a frat.

THE FOREST HILLS / Pending release 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A disturbed man is tormented by nightmarish visions after enduring head trauma while camping in the Catskill Mountains.”

This movie is supposed to be about werewolves. All they’re telling us is there’s a confused guy with a headache. That’ll pretty much describe me if they don’t give us werewolves.

HEARTLAND / Pending release 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of children in the American Midwest struggle to survive in the brutal landscape of a zombie apocalypse that has wiped out the entire adult population.”

Great — a world full of unsupervised kids. The zombie apocalypse will be the least of Earth’s problems.

Horror Legends, Crapping Aliens, Cowboy Grave Risers

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harry Dean Stanton

Sad to report the passing of another another horror/sci-fi movie icon, Harry Dean Stanton (July 14, 1926 – September 15, 2017), whom I first saw as the affable Brett in Alien (1979). He was the first to make the Xenomorph’s to-do in list. In all, Harry starred in nearly 200 movies/TV shows, notably Escape From New York (1981), Christine (1983), Repo Man (1984), and even a small part in The Avengers (2012). (He saw The Hulk naked.)

Tobe Hooper

And on this note, I was remiss in reporting the earlier passing of horror icon movie maker, Tobe Hooper (January 25, 1943 – August 26, 2017), the man behind Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), Eaten Alive (1976), Salem’s Lot (1979), Poltergeist (1982), Invaders From Mars (1986), The Mangler (1995) and was a big part of the Masters of Horror series (2005) and many more. (Tobe even did the Billy Idol video, “Dancing With Myself.”)

I’ve watched all these movies, sometimes over and over (I’m looking in your direction Alien and your endless repackaging.) To say these men had an impact on my neverending love for horror and sci-fi is an understatement. Thank you, gentlemen — your work gave me a very rewarding life.

Here are a few just-released horror/sci-fi that may not exist without the talents and influence of Harry Dean Stanton and Tobe Hooper

5th Kind

5TH KIND (available now)
“Three best friends try to get ‘internet famous’ by filming their own survival show out in the woods. A weekend trip to accomplish this project turns deadly when a mysterious and very foreign visitor ends up in their neck of the woods.”

This movie — which is not a sequel to The Fourth Kind (2009) — answers the question, do aliens crap in the woods. The key art gives it away, minus the doo doo part. I don’t wanna see that on any poster. Except Rise of Toilet Man. I hear it’s overflowing with horror. Ahem.

KM 31-2

KM 31-2 (available now)
Martin Ugalde is the detective who led the investigation into a series of mysterious deaths on a benighted stretch of road surrounded by woodland. Having been disgraced and even incarcerated for failing to solve the original case, he is now back on the case. Meanwhile, young Ágata, who awoke from a coma at the end of the original, is now possessed by an evil spirit.”

This one came out in Mexico on October 31, 2016, or so they say. I was not able to get into Mexico to verify. I kept being deported. The title is in reference to a road with the KM part being either kilometer or “kill-o-meter.” Kinda wondering how they work in the “possessed by and evil spirit” angle. It could be a simple, solveable case of eating a bad burrito.

Capps CrossingCAPPS CROSSING (available now)
“10 years ago David left his girlfriend Tracy all alone in the forest after she broke up with him. Tracy never made it back to camp alive. Every year David returns to pay his respects at Capps Crossing, the site of her death. After years of built up pain, anger and guilt he loses his mind and takes it out on a group of campers that chose Capps Crossing for their weekend getaway. There’s just one rule at Capps Crossing…never be alone.”

This one might get weak plot of the year award. And by the way, Tracy’s not dead — she’s breaking up with some other dude at Dumpsville, just down the road apiece.

Dead Again In Tombstone

DEAD AGAIN IN TOMBSTONE (available now)
Guerrero (Danny Trejo) returns from the dead to protect a stolen relic from falling into the hands of a gang of soldiers, which will ultimately cause Hell upon earth.”

The great Danny Trejo doing his best Jonah Hex in this country western horror cheapie. And Jonah Hex (2010) was just a cowboy version of The Crow (1994). But instead of a crow bringing you back across the veil of death, it was a donkey, or “sand kangaroo.”

Metaphysical Cowpoke

Posted in Misc. Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jonah Hex

A Union soldier turned ruthless bounty hunter, Jonah Hex had his face turned into a grilled cheese sandwich with a fresh branding iron after helplessly watching Old West terrorist Turnbull roast his wife and son in an indoor campfire.

JOnah Hex

Tied to a stake and about to be turned into a steak, Hex was left to be this week’s daily lunch special for the pigeons. But something mystical happened and he was caught between the land of the living and the land of the dead. These days we call it a work week. Now Hex can talk to the dead simply by touching them — and not just in the bathing suit area.

Jonah hex

Revenge is the word of the day and Hex goes after Turnbull, who has the Nation Killer weapon in his control and plans to blow up Washington on the 4th of July, celebrating its 100th birthday. Pretty much the complete opposite of patriotic. The government needs Hex to stop Turnbull and will pay him to do it. Fight fire with fire. And grilled cheese face sandwiches.

Jonah hex

The action in Jonah Hex (2010), pretty much the cowboy version of The Crow (1994), is frustratingly lackluster given the players and Hex getting his saddle warmer beaten more than once. And Hex’s hooker girlfriend who doesn’t undress for work is nothing short of insubordination. Whoever made this cow pie should be sentenced to clean it up.

This Crow Is In The Myna Leagues

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Crow: City of Angels

Yet ANOTHER grunge emo guy gets killed and has to come back to revenge haunt (i.e., make dead) his killers. Same plot as The Crow (1994). Yawn twice, then fart.

The Crow: City of Angels

The Crow: City of Angels (1996) stars a couple of “where are they now?” ’80s New Wave “rock stars.” (Ian Dury is one of ’em. Iggy Pop is another. I don’t know the other ones because I listen to METAL.) They get killed twice – just because.

The Crow: City of Angels

Lots of acting in this one, with the Crow making his Art Institute™ education pay off. He does more crying than killing, the big emotional wussy wuss. Maybe because the first Crow had a bigger beak and cooler pants.