Monster Mercenary, Boogey Girl, Man of the Moth

The Witcher, a Netflix™ made-for TV adaptation of the book series by Polish writer Andrzej Sapkowski (that’s a really hard name to spell correctly on the first try), premiered December 20, 2019 and became a raging global success. It starred Superman as Geralt of Rivia, a medieval mutated monster-hunter for hire, and prominently featured a lot of sex and naked stuff, violencings, bloodenings, carnage asada and overall wholesome good times. Now we’re getting a third season (eight episodes) this summer, which I believe is sometime this year. I’ll double check.

Here’s the official word from Netflix™ as to what we’re promised for season 3: “As monarchs, mages, and beasts of the Continent compete to capture her, Geralt takes Ciri of Cintra into hiding, determined to protect his newly-reunited family against those who threaten to destroy it. Entrusted with Ciri’s magical training, Yennefer leads them to the protected fortress of Aretuza, where she hopes to discover more about the girl’s untapped powers; instead, they discover they’ve landed in a battlefield of political corruption, dark magic, and treachery. They must fight back, put everything on the line — or risk losing each other forever.”

I hope The Witcher season 3 keeps its foot on the nudity gas pedal, which I feel is important to the overall story arc. Other than that, looking forward to more die-kill-bleed monsters and swords gently removing heads from bodies. So while we all wait for its premier, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature political corruption, dark magic, treachery…and nudity…

COUNTRY OF HOTELS / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Desperate souls pass through the doors of 508, a room on the fifth floor of an anonymous, decaying hotel. They are taken on a surreal and blackly comic journey down its lonely corridors and behind its outdated furnishings and stained surfaces. The story plunges us into the ever-turning carousel of haunted lives who check in and out of this sinister establishment.”

Decaying rooms…outdated furnishings…stained surfaces. Did someone film a movie in my apartment whilst I was out enjoying multiple refreshing adult beverages?

BAD GIRL BOOGEY / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“Angel’s mother was brutally murdered one Halloween night, when blood was shed by a deranged killer wearing a parasitic mask cursed with black magic and bigotry. Sixteen years later, when Angel’s best friend is slaughtered by a killer with the same mask, she must overcome her personal struggles, fight her fear, and find the masked killer before he — or it — slaughters everyone she holds dear.”

What the hell is a parasitic mask? Haven’t anyone heard of disinfectants? I get the black magic curse, but bigotry? Given how most people in this world are bigots, that seems pretty redundant.

WRONG REASONS / August 15, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“An ambiguously intentioned masked man kidnaps a drug addicted punk rock singer and triggers a police investigation headed by Detective Charles Dobsonas well as a media circus.”

Punk rockers do drugs? I thought they could barely afford soap, let alone pricey non-prescription opiates.

PROJECT MOTHMAN / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

No plot yet, but I’m theorizing it’ll have some sort of moth-like man, or man-like moth. Pretty sure I just landed on it.

Peculiar Treasures, Millions of Zombies, Ancient Peanut Butter

One of the ongoing tragedies of life is when you absolutely need a 3D Bat Air Freshener or Bigfoot Finger Feet or an essential Zombie Threat Level refrigerator magnet, and can’t find ’em anywhere. Calm your inner turmoil and just go to Portland, Oregon’s FreakyButTrue Peculiarium, a wonderland of all things tremendously useful weird and fun. Here’s their website if you think I’m making up all of this stuff.

Located at 2234 NW Thurman St., Portland, OR, the Peculiarium is similar to Archie McFee™ but goes even deeper into the mind-spinning novelty merch abyss. Alien art prints, Sasquatch devotional candles, giant lobster claws, Mothman shirts… So yeah, plan on spending at least three month’s wages there.

While we rent a U-Haul™ truck and go on a FreakyButTrue Peculiarium shopping run, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be as irresistible as FBTP’s Jekyll & Hyde holiday ornaments… 

GANGNAM ZOMBIE / January 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Citizens from an area of Seoul start experiencing unusual and terrifying symptoms, devolving into inhuman creatures, leaving only a few survivors with the possibility to make it out alive.”

According to this little thing called the Internet (you may have heard of it), Seoul has a population of 9.9 million people. If you wanna see zombies, that’s the place to go. Just take the train to Busan. (You got that joke, right?)

TOXICA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An injured stunt woman is infected by an ancient biological compound when a side job as a PI goes wrong.”

I bought a jar of ancient biological compound at the store the other day. It may look like peanut butter, but it’s way more addictive and has only half the saturated fat. We’re talkin’ some serious sandwich fixins.

IMMERSION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mysterious deaths befall on employees of a VR-tech company. There’s an unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world.”

Unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world. Where I live, that’s called Happy Hour.

NIGHTMARE AT PRECINCT 84 / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“On a stormy night on Christmas Eve, a small town female sheriff who secretly is a serial killer gets a visit from a mysterious woman who tells four bizarre stories. The first is about a small boy who has a terrifying encounter with the local ice cream truck. The second is about a young girl who takes up a phone sex operator job to pass the time, but a certain caller has other intentions. The third is about two women who discover the strange reality behind a tiny town they are trapped in and the fourth is about a man who makes a promise with haunting repercussions.”

A sheriff is a serial killer? Then she’s obligated to arrest herself or kill herself. Probably should do both.

Artistic Horror, Getting High With Evil, Big Birds

Found some incredibly stunning horror/sci-fi art by shockingly talented Stefan Koidl. So visually disturbing are his paintings, the elegantly sick cool images could be made into horror movies.

Stefan is a freelance illustrator/concept artist who lives in Hallein, Austria. I looked it up on Google Maps™. It’s kinda far from where I live. But you can visit his website on ArtStation.com by clicking HERE. It’s here you’ll find unique creatures, monsters, demons, robots and apocalyptic visions that usually accompany a Jägermeister binge.

While you sober up, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have you needing a shot or three of Jägermeister to get through…

DARK LIGHT (2019)
“Following her mother’s death and a painful divorce Annie and her daughter move back to her childhood home. At first, everything seems fine but then tragedy strikes again when on a foggy night Emily goes missing from her bedroom. Annie claims that she saw something come from the darkness and take Emily…a creature. Nobody believes her. But when Emily’s body is not found Annie becomes the prime suspect and is sent to a correctional hospital. Annie must now escape the hospital and return to the house to confront the creature that she believes has stolen her daughter.”

YET ANOTHER generic plot with a generic title. I tried to count how many movies had the word “dark” in it. Got up to one million before I lost track. So, like, figure one million and one.

THE HOARD (2019)
“The Hoard is a comedy/horror mockumentary that chronicles the unraveling of a production team who are attempting to produce the ultimate reality TV show pilot ‘Extremely Haunted Hoarders’.”

Odd plot. How does haunting factor in with the hoarding stuff like old newspapers or snow globes? Maybe they’re being haunted by visions of a clutter-free home.

HEAD COUNT (2019)
“During a weekend getaway to Joshua Tree, a group of teenagers find themselves under mental and physical assault from a supernatural entity that mimics their appearances as it completes an ancient ritual.”

Isn’t Joshua Tree where people go to take acid and open the doors of perception? I bet they’re just really high and are hallucinating the supernatural entity, which may or may not be the ghost of Jim Morrison.

TERROR IN THE SKIES (2019/pending crowd-funding)
“Director Seth Breedlove explores hundreds of years of terrifying reports of encounters with massive winged creatures around the land of Lincoln. From Alton’s man-eating Lincoln legends to recent sightings in Chicago of a creature said to resemble Point Pleasant, West Virginia’s infamous Mothman, Terror in the Skies unlocks a centuries-old mystery.”

Man, I hope a massive winged creature doesn’t crap on my car.

UFO Engineering, Mothman Sightings, Demon Trackers

Just in time to distract us from a seemingly endless string of horrifying, political news cycles the creepy yet cool, Mothman returns to flitter around the spotlight.

According to a recent article on AbsoluteHistory.com, Mothman was not only seen but photographed. Here’s what the article, written by 1636wpczar, had to report…

“It had been a Friday night like any other in Chicago for John Amitrano. As he took a step outside the bar where he was working, however, he apparently noticed something strange in the sky above him. And according to Amitrano, the figure looked just like an ominous creature that people have been claiming to see in the U.S. for the past 50 years.”

Mothman was in Chicago and was spotted by a guy leaving a bar? Doesn’t sound suspicious to me at all.

While we all share a few gallons of Chicago’s Old Style™ (canned beer that tastes like a cryptid p*ssed in it — oddly, not a bad thing) and stagger out and look for the ominous creatures, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci documentaries/movies that may or may not look better when viewed under the influence of a few gallons of Old Style™…

BOB LAZAR: AREA 51 & FLYING SAUCERS (available now)
Former Government physicist Bob Lazar made headlines world-wide in 1989 when he came forward with his account of reverse-engineering an alien spacecraft for the U.S. Military. His testimony remains the most controversial and important UFO story of all time. The documentary explores Lazar’s groundbreaking claims and the devastating impact it has had on his life over the course of the last thirty years, including rare and never before revealed footage guaranteed to alter the landscape of the debate. He blew the whistle, shocked the world, then went silent — until now.

I’ve heard Bob Lazar’s story for some time now and I believe he not only worked on reverse-engineering captured UFOs, but actually got inside one and poked around. I only have one question: what was in the flying saucer’s glove compartment? The truth is out there and I want to believe.

BRUTAL BIGFOOT (available now)
“Join the Searching for Bigfoot field team – led by ‘The Godfather of Bigfoot‘ Tom Biscardi, as they get more than they bargained for when investigating the disappearance of a hiker and the mutilation of a couple deep in the remote Arkansas countryside. During their search, Tom and his team are led to a top secret nuclear testing facility and mutated creatures that reportedly inhabit the woods surrounding the compound. Along the way they gain the unwanted attention of unknown government agents who watch their every move as they search for the truth behind brutal deaths and strange disappearances that are rumored to involve a very large creature.

This one came out a short whilst ago, but it slipped past my radar, mostly due to the fact Tom Biscardi is involved. The self-proclaimed “Godfather of Bigfoot” has been involved in several high-profile, epic FAIL Bigfoot hoaxes in the past and is pretty much a loudmouth out there once again trying to cash in on Bigfoot’s good name. Did it work? Scorecard: Bigfoot: 3 / Tom Biscardi: 0.

DEMON’S PATH (December 22, 2018)
“The series follows a forensic pathologist who has the ability to see the last 10-seconds of life of the dead. Working together with a friendly exorcist and a policeman, they solve homicide cases. But as their investigations proceed, they become the target of a murderer.”

Never saw any of this popular series as it’s done in Hong Kong and my TV can’t reach that far. I think I need a bigger antennae (hold your jokes, please). The premise, though, seems to borrow from iZombie, wherein a zombie pathologist eats the brains of corpses brought into the coroner’s office and she adopts the personality traits of the dead personage and gets flashbacks as to how that personage died and who died ‘em.

THE DEMONOLOGIST (January 1, 2019)
A detective is haunted by nightmares of his past and visions he cannot understand. When he investigates a string of brutal murders, he discovers a Cult that worships the four King Demons of Hell, who plan on bringing them forth to destroy the Earth. He must stop the Cult from starting the Apocalypse and finally come to grips with his birthright and destiny as The Demonologist.

Sounds like a rearranging of The Last Witch Hunter (2015) starring Vin Diesel. Man, that movie stunk as bad as a brutal Bigfoot.

Happy Alien Day, Dinosaurs vs. Criminals, Rock Mom

Today (Thursday, April 26, 2018) is Alien Day. And yes, it’s a globally recognized religious holiday. Traditional gifts include blurry photographs, night trips to Uranus, watches that stop for hours at a time and unearthly implants.

I’m sure you have a lot of themed activities planned, like going to the YMCA and getting probed in the locker room, inviting fellow abductees over to watch E.T. the Extraterrestrial (1982) and LOLing at that turd-shaped toilet plunger alien, or even stopping by the Museum HR Giger Bar in Château St. Germain, Gruyères, Switzerland (fashioned in part to honor of the late Giger’s Alien concept art) to slug down a few Romulan Ales while trying to score with “female” lifeforms.

I’m headed for Area 51 and taking a few UFOs out for a test spin. It’s important to test drive a few before laying down the big bucks. FYI: Keep the extras like GPS but lose the LoJack™ — the government’s gonna steal it anyway, so why bleed the weasel?

Don’t forget to “phone home” if you party a little too much with your space brothers. Here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help you forget tomorrow exactly what happened on your Uranus. (Don’t worry; it’ll all come back to vividly haunt you on Facebook™)…

THE JURASSIC GAMES (June 12, 2018/VOD | July 3, 2018/DVD)
“The film imagines a world set in the near future wherein ten Death Row convicts are chosen to compete in The Jurassic Games, the ultimate virtual reality game show that pits its players against dinosaurs and each other. However, there is a catch; if you die in the virtual game, you also die in reality. As the devious Host continues adding improbable challenges, the characters will find the odds stacked against them as only one victor can emerge as winner and reclaim their freedom.”

The TRUE Hunger Games — heh. So criminals versus dinosaurs. My money’s on the dinosaurs. 

VENOM (October 5 (2018)
“One of Marvel’s most enigmatic, complex and badass characters comes to the big screen, starring Academy Award nominated actor Tom Hardy as the lethal protector, Venom.”

Glad they re-serviced the key art. The first one looked like Mothman horked up a Rorschach test.

EMBRYO (2018)
“Kevin and his girlfriend Evelyn, while camping out in the woods in the Chile countryside, are abducted and Evelyn is impregnated by otherworldly beings. As the entity inside her begins to grow at a rapid rate, Evelyn discovers that the cravings she’s experiencing can only be satiated by the taste of human flesh and blood. When she attacks a doctor, Kevin decides not to hand her over to the authorities, but to go on the run and try to get to big city where they can find help to remove the thing that’s slowly taking over Evelyn’s body.”

Creature feature unsafe sex knocker-uppers aren’t new. A few off the top of the ‘ol untouched condom display rack: The Mole People (1956), Day the World Ended (1956), The Alligator People (1959), Alien (1979), Humanoids From The Deep (1980), The Beast Within (1982), Inseminoid (1981), The Fly (1986), The Terror Within (1989)… I could go on for another nine months. Then there’s the reverse impregnation sci-fi romance tale that is Species (1995). Unfortunately, for you, there is no such thing as a “movie after” pill.

HOLLOW BODY (2018)
“A struggling rock band led by Jimmy Kleen makes a deal with Rick Roland, a shady record executive. Things take a dark turn when the band’s lead singer Rachel Swann and her controlling stage mother, are struck by lightning and killed. Rachel comes back to life, now possessed by the spirit of her dead mother and with strange electrical powers she can’t control. Both personalities struggle for dominance of her body while the band begins to take off. Rachel’s bandmate discovers the dark secret behind the band’s success: Rachel is using her electrical powers to kill men and drain them of their electricity, transmuting it into electrifying performances. He and Jimmy must decide if they will stop her or if the high cost of success is a price they are willing to pay.”

Sounds like Shocker (1989) with guitars. For another struck-by-lighting-and-becomes-electricity “accidents”, look no further than Supergirl’s not-BFF, Livewire on the hit CW hit TV series. Say what you will about her being bonkers and able to throw electricity around like parade candy, she could re-charge your cell phone in, like, one second. That’s pretty neat.

Sheepsquatch, Drug Ghosts, Evil Pants

Just when you think you’ve heard about every mythical monster ever turned into a T-shirt, now comes a new one: Sheepsquatch, a creature that’s half Sasquatch and half sheep. (It looks more like a cross between Krampus and a billy goat to me.) Apparently, this hybrid horror has been around since 1990. Not sure why I’m just hearing about SS now. How embarrassing for me.

So where does this shaggy beast (also known as “White Thing”) shampoo its fur? West Virginia, if you believe the tourist brochures. According to Cryptid Wiki, the counties with the most sightings are Boone, Kanawha, Putnam and Mason, with a surge in sightings taking place in Boone County during the mid-1990s. Witnesses describe Sheepsquatch as being as big as a bear, with a pointed head and saber-tooth teeth. This means Sheesquatch can open a can of beer with his face. Let’s see Mothman try something like that.

There are even books about Sheepsquatch that’ve been around for a few years. (Man, I have got to quit spending so much time hanging out with Bigfoot and get up to speed on my cryptids.)

While you go out searching for Sheesquatch photo ops, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into…

TWINS (2018)
“The massacre of the Levi family, of which only adopted twins Eva and Greta survive, pits priests Father Michel and Father Paul against the powers of evil, both convinced that the twins are diabolical. The girls are then confined to a halfway house, where a series of mysterious deaths occur, requiring the intervention of Police Commissioner Zanda, who fails to come up with any answers. Recruited by Bishop Tarcisi Lombard, the two priests set out on what will be a no-holds-barred fight against the twins.”

Somebody massacred the Levi family? Dang — now where am I gonna get my evil pants?

YOU’RE NOT ALONE (2018)
“After the premature death of her estranged husband, Emma regains custody of their young daughter Isla and hopes to rebuild their relationship after many years apart. But when an evil entity begins to torment them, mother and daughter are forced to face the inexplicable presence that inhabits the walls of their new home.”

Inexplicable presence in the walls, my foot — it’s radioactive rats. Or rat-sized ants that may or may not be radioactive.

PERFECT (2018)
“A boy in a cold and stark modern house, in a vaguely science fictional world, is seduced by advertisements of perfection to install implantable characteristics directly into his body. The implants heal his dark, twisted visions, but come with a corporeal cost. He persists on applying them, hoping to reach perfection, but ultimately he discovers that purity of mind is not exactly as he’s imagined.”

All my dark and twisted visions come from implanting beer in my body. Being vaguely science fictional never tasted so good, especially when chilled to a crisp 41° degrees.

TIGERS ARE NOT AFRAID (2018/2019)
“A dark fairy tale about a gang of five children trying to survive the horrific violence of the cartels and the ghosts created every day by the drug war.”

Time to all in Sheepsquatch to go all barnyard on those mean criminals.

Rock ‘n Roll Aliens, Giant Bullies, Wiccan Babysitters

Keith Richards, iconic rock guitarist and co-founder of The Rolling Stones, recently interviewed on 98.5 WNCX FM Radio in Cleveland, OH, that not only does he believe in aliens, he claims there’s an actual extraterrestrial landing strip on his expansive property in England. Given how much drugs and alcohol the famous wasted musician has infamously consumed over the last 100 years ago (you got that one, right?), surprised he hasn’t also seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and/or Mothman lurking about his front yard as well. (Then again, he might think they’re just roadies.)

I believe him. Rock and roll wouldn’t lie. So maybe Keith should rewrite some of his songs to support his claim: “Beam Me Up”, “Let’s Spend The Night Together on Uranus”, “Blue Turns To Greys”, “You Can’t Always Get Abducted When You Want”, and “It’s Only Probing (But I Like It)”. I’m thinkin’ platinum sales, here.

While we wait for the Stones’ intergalactic tour, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you satisfaction…

I KILL GIANTS (2018)
“A teenage girl chooses to escape the realities of school and a drab family life by retreating into her magical world of titans and giants. With the help of her new friend Sophia and her school therapist, Barbara, will learn to battle her giants and face her fears — tackling the bullies at school, her sister, and her difficult home life.”

I liked it better when it was Harry Potter. Still, giant monsters and difficult home life. I can relate.

HEREDITARY (2018)
“When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter’s family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.”

Big talk about this on the movie/dive bar circuit. I bet Helen’s shameful ancestry has something to do with an unpaid bar tab. Note to matriarchs: dine ‘n dash = NOT COOL.

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)
“The anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist — a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Sounds nifty, though for a great “people trapped in a movie theatre while evil beings eat your face and/or popcorn”, try the Italian gore snack bar, Demons (1985). You’ll forget all about your AMC Stubs™ reward points.

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)
“A scheming con artist poses as innocent babysitter ‘Amber’ to steal from Ted Hooper, a wealthy occult enthusiast with a reclusive son named Kevin. Her crew arrives to clean out the house just as Kevin stumbles upon one of his father’s most prized artifacts and unwittingly summons a trio of witches known as The Three Mothers. As the playful, sadistic witches start picking people off, Amber and Kevin form an unlikely bond and try to survive the night together.”

That would be fun to have witches as babysitters. If you spill a jar of dried frog tongues, there’s plenty of brooms around to sweep ’em up. Wonder if they know any “take out the garbage” spells and/or enchantments? That would so awesome.

Fake UFOs, Horror Teens, Evil Wishing Well

Recently pulled up Real UFO Crash Footage (Mooney Vision) on Amazon Prime™. Several things you need to know before stepping in the same pile of I.V.C. (Identified Viewing Crap) I did…

• ALL the footage is of blurry and/or shaky camera stylings.

• Lots of the material has digital UFOs flying above around or into fiery explosions that happened by way of the wrong button being pushed, high-speed left turn into a right turn cloud, or something involving gasoline and matches.

• Most footage contains mega-explosions from stock news broadcasts.

• There’s footage of falling meteors, which are nothing more than God’s marbles.

• Some footage is from the SyFy Channel™ from over a decade ago.

• While it’s true these UFOs are just that (because of the blurriness, you can’t identify what it is that’s flying/not flying), the bait on the hook here is the flying saucer on the cover.

And while you’re fuming over having bitten the hook, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be blatantly misleading…

THE OPEN HOUSE (January 19, 2018/Netflix)
“A mother and her teenage son move into a new house and are harassed by threatening forces.”

Threatening forces could be anything — landlords, neighbors, Mothman, me…  Just need an address. (Disclaimer: I don’t really threaten anyone. However, I will make your lawn die just by standing on it.)

THE DEVIL’S WELL (January 23, 2018)
“Karla Marks mysteriously vanishes while conducting a paranormal investigation with her husband into the Devil’s Well, an underground location reported to be a gateway straight into Hell, and the site of ongoing strange phenomenon. A year after her disappearance, a group of investigators go back to uncover the truth about Karla, and are faced with evil forces greater than they ever imagined.”

A well is the gateway to Hell? And here all this time I thought the portal to Purgatory was 7-Eleven™. That, or the bathroom door to the men’s room at the Maha (a bar I hang out in, and usually have a priest administer a blessing every time beer needs to be exorcised from thy bladder).

TRUTH OR DARE (April 27, 2018)
“A harmless game of ‘Truth or Dare’ among friends turns deadly when someone — or something — begins to punish those who tell a lie — or refuse the dare.”

Sounds like more dumb teen horror. Can’t wait to not watch it.

NIGHTFLYERS (SyFy Channel™/2018/2019)
“Eight maverick scientists and a powerful telepath embark on an expedition to the edge of our solar system in the hopes of contacting alien life. They travel aboard The Nightflyer — a ship with a small tightknit crew and a reclusive captain. But when terrifying and violent events begin to take place they start to question each other, and surviving the journey proves harder than anyone thought.”

This looks to be a TV series, which is good, because it gives me YET ANOTHER excuse to not get off the couch. Nightflyers is based on George R.R. Martin’s 1980 supernatural novella (short book) of the same name and was actually made into a movie back in 1987. I may or may not have seen it. Hey, I have hair to comb and lawns to mow. I take that stuff seriously.

Mothman, Bigfoot, Body Wash, Bar Stools

To hear other people tell it, I fell off my bar stool the other night. I prefer to frame it as the bar stool got tired of me sitting on it for six hours and decided to take its business elsewhere.

As for the falling part, there was a puddle of some sort of liquid under the chair, which was quite slippery and thus facilitated the mishap. Pretty sure it was Dove Body Wash®. That, or WD-40®. The conspiracy theorist in me leans towards it being a proportional solution made of the two popular lubes and then discreetly applied under the bar stool by, you guessed it, one of those creepy Men in Black. I hate those guys.

Speaking of falling for things, here’s four more new and upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not knock you on your ass…

THE MOTHMAN OF POINT PLEASANT (available now)
“Learn the terrifying, true story about thirteen months that changed history. In November of 1966, a car full of kids encountered a creature unlike anything they’d ever seen before. In the weeks and months to follow, the monster (now known as The Mothman) was sighted again and again on country roads and around the state of West Virginia.”

This is an intriguing documentary that covers a lot of leavings but leaves one question unanswered — who gave Mothman his cool name? I bet that person is a millionaire now because of it. So if I was offered a million bucks to name a local folklore legend monster that, to date, hasn’t killed anyone or even so much as littered the streets of Point Pleasant (hence the name), I’d have called him (or her)…Mega-Pigeon (or scientifically, Mega-Columba Livia Domestica.) The logo could look all heavy metal and probably sell a LOT of t-shirts. You really need to think about marketing strategies with a name that totally b*tchin’.

SEVEN SISTERS (2017)
“Set in a world where families are allowed only one child due to overpopulation, a resourceful set of seven identical sisters must avoid governmental execution and dangerous infighting while investigating the disappearance of one of their own.”

Dang — seven identical sisters? Never mind trying to figure out who is who, can you imagine trying to get in a some meaningful bathroom time? Forget about it. For a cool old sci-fi movie about limiting children (which I’m for, by the way), seek out the 1972 Danish-American sci-fi moving picture show, Z.P.G., which stands for Zero Population Growth. In that one you’re given robot babies instead of allowing you to make your own. Not nearly as much fun, but zero diaper changing as well. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

THE DARK MILE (2017)
“London couple Louise and Clare book a sailing trip in the Highlands to recover from a personal tragedy. The location may be idyllic but soon they are tormented by a black industrial barge that follows them, and by the dysfunctional folk on board.”

First, they broke the cardinal rule of using the overused/generic/weak word “dark” in the title. Secondly, if you work on a black industrial barge, you’re probably predisposed to being dysfunctional. Wonder what the pay is? I could fit right in.

THE MAN WHO KILLED HITLER AND THEN THE BIGFOOT (2018)
“Legendary American war veteran Calvin Barr who, decades after serving in WWII and assassinating Adolf Hitler, must now hunt down the fabled Bigfoot. Living a peaceful life in New England, the former veteran is contacted by the FBI and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to lead the charge as the creature is carrying a deadly plague and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness.”

A hot contender for horror movie title of the year, albeit a bit of a mouth employer. (Note to movie titlers — take “Then The” out of it. Practically leaps off the tongue and into a soulful eight-beer-in conversation. My only issue — they tell you in the movie’s name he murder-killed Bigfoot.

Hitler certainly had it coming. But Bigfoot? What’s he ever done besides throwing Mountain Doo at intrusive hikers? They go on to say Biggie carries a deadly plaque and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness. If that’s true, it means he’s not planning any day trips to town any time soon, so leave him be. As for the nature of the plaque, just give him some Alka-Seltzer Plus® – Cold & Cough Liquid Gels (you gotta break ‘em open and suck out the juicy goodness) with a beer back to cleanse the palette afterward. Plague? Solved.

Map of Monsters

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.