Archive for cryptid

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unacknowledged

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

Backwood Madness

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

Marrowbone

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

The Mist

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Monsters = Monster Money

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Loch Ness Monster

My secretary (me) came across an AFP article posted 4/13/16 (today if you’re reading this today) that a marine robot deployed in the Scotland’s Loch Ness has found the remains of a monster, but that it turned out to be a prop from a movie shot in 1970.

Loch Ness Monster

This DOES NOT mean the Loch Ness Monster isn’t still patrolling the Loch for tourist dollars. (VisitScotland.com estimates the revenue generated by tourists hoping to catch a glimpse of “Nessie” at £60 million ($76 million euros/ $85 million fins a year. Ask members of Scotland’s Chamber of Commerce if they believe Nessie is real, and they’ll show you their bank balance.)

Loch Ness Monster

The marine robot belongs to the Norwegian offshore oil company Kongsberg Maritime, who is mapping the depths of the Loch (775 feet deep – big enough for a hundred Loch Ness Monsters) in a project named “Operation Groundtruth.” Good branding – they should be able to prove Nessie’s existance with a name like that.

Loch Ness Monster

“Although it is the shape of Nessie, it is not the remains of the monster that has mystified the world for 80 years,” Scottish tourism agency VisitScotland, which is backing the project. “The blurry object with a long neck was a 30-foot long model of the monster made for the film The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, directed by Billy Wilder. It is thought the model sank after its humps were removed (the buoyancy was in the humps) never to be seen again. The monster was actually a submarine in the film.”

Loch Ness Monster

That’s pretty dang cool. But Nessie – the REAL one – is cooler. If only the marine robot could get a pic of Nessie together with its movie stunt stand-in.

China’s Chinese Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

China Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren

I’m always down for a new home movie/found footage/blockbuster about Bigfoot, but my fur stands on edge when they can’t even get the advertising one-sheet right.

Take China Bigfoot: Legend of the Yeren (2015), a family-friendly take on our woodsy BFF. That’s the title according to the movie’s Facebook page and press release. So why does the movie poster say Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren? It’s total B.S. like this that just ruin my life and everything I may or may not stand for.

China Bigfoot: The Legend of The Yeren

The Yeren is also known as “Wild Man.” I know a lot of drinking buddies who go by the same name, usually around last call. Often seen in the Taibai Mountains, Yeren is to China what Bigfoot is to the Pacific Northwest, except Yeren is alleged to be a red head. That seems weird to me.

China Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren

Anyway, here’s what goes down in China/Chinese Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren: “Chinese teenager Shi Kang and his American tutor, Denise, crash land in the remote mountains of China. After being rescued from the plane wreckage by a giant, ape-like creature, they eventually befriend the mysterious Yeren. But a group of poachers are hot on the Yeren’s trail, and now it’s up to Shi Kang and Denise to help protect their new friend.”

China Bigfoot: The Legend of the Yeren

Man, I freakin’ hope Shi Kang and Denise thwart those a-hole poachers and send Yeren on his merry way. That MIGHT make me forget about the filmmaker’s inability to pick a lane for the title and drive in it.

Pull My Sixth Finger

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Legend of Six Fingers

Either Bigfoot has a cousin with only six fingers – a result of unchecked in-breeding – or there’s a new species of cryptid that makes boom boom in the woods.

The Legend of Six Fingers

Enter Six Fingers, a bipedal creature so named as it has three claws on each hand. And because such a monster screams to be the star of an indie horror movie and/or t-shirt, you’ll no doubt become pregnant with excitement for The Legend of Six Fingers, arriving June 24, 2014.

The Legend of Six Fingers

Here’s the facts as the internet knows ’em: “Two filmmakers, Neil and Andrew, set out to make a documentary about a rash of domestic animal slaughters. After interviewing several local residents, the filmmakers learn about the Native American legend of Ya Yahk Osnuhsa (Six Fingers). Believing Six Fingers is responsible for the slayings, they embark on a terrifying journey to learn the truth.”

The Outer Limits: The Sixth Finger

Because I know these things, there was a multi-digit creature decades before Ya Yahk Osnuhsa. I’m referring, of course, to The Sixth Finger, an evolutionary accelerated man-creature in a 1963 episode of The Outer Limits. This guy was created in a Pine-Sol™ freshened lab. Six Fingers was born of the stink forest. Six guesses as to who makes boom boom in the woods.

At War With Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot Wars

Once Bigfoot Wars comes out on May 23, 2014 , it’ll change the entire film industry. How do I know this? Several reasons. But first, the plot…

Bigfoot Wars focuses on a small-town sheriff who with the help of a “Dixieland Mafioso” family patriarch sets out to hunt a creature that is widely believed to be a myth. They soon find themselves battling for survival as they discover they aren’t dealing with just one beast, but are at war with many.”

Bigfoot Wars

The movie’s title is an ass kick. That is to say it kicks ass. Secondly, they aren’t doing a movie with just one Sasquatch, but lots and lots. My hope is that there are 30 dozen of the iconic cryptid. Even if there’s a mere 100 of ’em, that alone makes Bigfoot Wars the must see movie of the year. And don’t let the fact the C. Thomas Howell, who has been in more SyFy Channel™ movies than me, keep you from seeing it.

Bigfoot Wars, incidentally, is based on the bestselling novels from Eric. S. Brown. I have no idea what the “S” in his middle name stands for. Probably “success.” He’s written more books than a library can hold.

Bigfoot Wars

Too bad I can’t read, because with books titled Space Stations and Graveyards, Season of Rot and Zombies II: Inhuman sure sound like quality entertainment. But hey, I can still watch TV with the best of ’em. Some call it a gift.