Vampire Counseling, Household Witches, Governmental Bigfoot

If you’re a full-blown bloodsucker or just a weekend creature of the night fashionista looking for spiritual advice, go no further than Maison Vampyre located in the historic heart of Salem, MA. It’s here you’ll experience personal or group psychic readings from members of the local Vampire community. Black attire is encouraged if you wanna be taken seriously.

A cornucopia of all things Dark, $15 – $65 by appointment only sessions include the Wolf Moon Ritual, Full Moon Ritual, Guided Meditations at Dark Mirror, Elemental Magick, and the sure to sell out Vampire Witch: A Weekend of Spiritual Alchemy, an immersive weekend of witchcraft, empowerment, and Vampyre Magick. 

From their website: “You will learn the basics of Spellcasting, Astrology, Protection Magick, Tarot, Energy Work, Ritual Set-up, Candle Magick, and will take part in a powerful Shadow Work journey. Skills learned throughout the weekend will be used in a group tarot circle, intuitive development practice, and an empowering group ritual to conclude the weekend.” This retreat takes place Friday, March 3, 2023, 6:00 PM through Sunday, March 5, 2023, 3PM (EST). It’s like getting a community college education for only $325.00. (Okay, that was redundant.)

While you book a session or the entire weekend (click the darkness), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require you to seek counseling…

CRYPTID / Out now (VOD)

“When a local resident of a small town in Maine is brutally ripped apart, freelance journalist Max Frome suspects it might be something more than the authorities say it is. Teaming up with his photographer partner, Harriet, they’re convinced the local sheriff is on the wrong track as the details of each attack become more puzzling. As the attacks get closer, they charge forth dangerously, afraid they might be onto the story of the century. Can they prove their suspicions before it’s too late?”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary (est. 1828) — a sort of menu for a word barf restaurant — defines “cryptid” thusly: “An animal (such as Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster) that has been claimed to exist but never proven to exist.” So the cryptid in this instance is indisputably a carnivorous penguin. Sorry for the spoiler. 

THE MAYFAIR WITCHES / JANUARY 8, 2023 (AMC+)

“A neurosurgeon discovers she is the unlikely heir to a family of witches. She must contend with a sinister presence that has haunted her family for generations.”

All witch families have two and sometimes three broom garages. So it stands to reason the sinister presence haunting them is a Swiffer™.

THE 3RD GUEST / January 23, 2023 (VOD)

“A husband and wife ghost-hunting team, still mourning the loss of their daughter, encounter her in their latest assignment.”

Family reunion — happy ending.

THE KIAMICHI PROJECT Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After losing her sister in a brutal attack as a teenager, Scout Rourke agrees to lead a team in the capture of a war machine that may or may not be linked to a legendary creature. In Scout’s heart, she is convinced she is hunting the same massive monster that shredded her sister before Rourke’s horrified eyes decades before. During the hunt, things turn deadly when it’s realized this particular beast is also under control of the U.S. government.”

Bigfoot works for the U.S. government? Why not? Decent pay, serving your country and getting all the federal holidays off — with pay. 

Frightful Finery, Ghost Women, Bigfoot Experiment

Every holiday season (i.e., YET ANOTHER excuse to get drunk in public: “Whooo — Santa! F*ck yeah! Presents! Explosions! Whooo!”) the push is on to see who can find the most most hilariously ugly Christmas sweaters. So much so, it’s become a super weird cultural phenomena. But not everyone is down with spending valuable beer notes on clothing you’d only wear a week or two (some of us more than others) out of the entire year.

A better investment alternative would be the year-round cardigan, the stylish cousin of the common pullover. While most cardigans (open fronted with buttons) scream elderly fashion, a new wave of themed designs will keep you from looking like your own grandfather. And MiddleofBeyond.com is here to give your dressing some room.

MoB’s website offers a plethora of horror/sci-fi themed gifts and clothing (sweaters, button-ups, flannel, jackets, shorts, hats), the latest — and best — being their line of affordable ($74.99 – $84.99) cardigans, featuring everything from the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Halloween, to Return of the Living Dead, The Shining and The Twilight Zone. They even have an Iron Maiden cardigan. P.S. I accept any and all gifts in the size of large, which also includes cash and/or adult beverages in bottles, cans and/or sippy cups.

While you look to tweak your wardrobe, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not look good on you…

AMITYVILLE CHRISTMAS VACATION / Out now (VOD)

“Wally has won a vacation to sunny Amityville. While there he met a woman — a GHOST woman. Can the spirit of Christmas bring these two opposites together?”

Dating a ghost woman is a no-brainer — just take her to all your favorite haunts.

AMITYVILLE BIGFOOT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amityville Chemical Company has a dark secret. One of their latest experiments broke break free and is wreaking havoc upon locals in the nearby woods. As the creature rips and shreds his way through each unsuspecting group, increasingly bizarre events mount towards one of the strangest Bigfoot encounters captured.”

A bit confused here — Bigfoot is a science experiment? What are they gonna tell us next — the Abominable Snowman was born in a Baskin-Robbins™ test tube? No wonder cryptozoology creatures hate us so much.

AMITYVILLE SCARECROW II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

It’s been a year since the events of the first movie, and the survivors are about to reopen the camp. However, something sinister lurks…and all is not what it seems.”

Wonder what the sinister lurking something could be? An unfavorable raccoon? A dishonest squirrel? Maybe a harmful rabbit? I’ll ask that evil scarecrow hanging out nearby. He might know.

MUTILATOR 2 / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“Buddy Cooper returned to write and direct the decades-later sequel to the slasher he made back in the 1980s.”

The original Mutilator came out in 1984 and had the best tag line: “By Sword, By Axe, By Pick, Bye-Bye.” That’s right up there with Alien’s (1979) tag: “In space no one can hear you fart.” Okay, I might have a bit of a recollection hiccup on that one.

Loch Ness Literature, Born Again Mummies, Religion Reimagined

Author Steve Alten is the writer who makes a living writing about giant sharks. In facto, his 1997 novel, Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror, was the inspiration for The Meg, the blockbuster 2018 hit monster shark movie that made a billion clams at the box office. You may have heard of it.

The Loch, Alten’s 2005 novel, is optioned to be turned into a movie as well. I didn’t read the book, but I assume it has something to do with the Loch Ness Monster. (Maybe I should learn to read.)

Until that happens, Alten has an upcoming sequel to that book titled, The Loch: Heaven’s Lake. Here’s the synopsis: “Zachary Wallace travels to a mysterious lake situated in a crater atop a caldera in South China/North Korea after a series of monster sightings.”

Sounds right up my inlet. You (or me) can pre-order the hardback version for $27.95 on SteveAlten.com. Other platforms will be available on Amazon.com. (Order it directly from Steve — Amazon doesn’t need the money.)

Before you check your 401k to see if you have $27.95 in it, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as hunting for monsters in any country with with or without flushing toilets…

THE MUMMY REBORN (April 4, 2019)
“A group of teens in financial ruin that decide to rob the local antique store of an ancient amulet. But what they don’t realize is that this tomb is cursed, and when the amulet is separated from it’s master he will do anything to get it back. Our burglars must save the day and return the Mummy to it’s tomb before it is too late to save the world.”

Not seeing a point here. Teens steals the Mummy’s bling and the Mummy self-resurrects to get them fitted for a Chicago overcoat (look it up). Isn’t this the same plot used for every Mummy movie ever made?

I TRAPPED THE DEVIL (April 26, 2019)
“When Matt and his wife Karen show up unannounced at the home of his estranged brother Steve to celebrate the holidays, they are instead greeted with a horrifying surprise: trapped in the basement is a man. But not just any man. Steve believes that his hostage is none other than the devil himself. As shock and skepticism turn to fear and paranoia, Matt and Karen find themselves facing a terrifying quandary: is Steve dangerously unhinged? Or could the mysterious stranger really be evil incarnate? Either way, the stage is set for a true Christmas from Hell.”

If you really want to trap the devil, just zip up your pants.

THE CONVENT (May 3, 2019)
“In the early 17th century, innocent young Persephone is falsely accused and put on trial for her life. Her fate seems sealed except for the timely intervention of the mysterious Reverend Mother offering her not just sanctuary, but hope. For the Reverend Mother is the self-appointed leader of a small religious retreat, a secluded Priory, where her fellow Sisters devote their lives to the Lord and seek atonement for their pasts. But upon arrival, Persephone is plagued with terrifying visions and soon realizes that it’s not salvation that awaits but a battle for her very soul itself.”

Curious horror sub-genre, this evil nun stuff. Which begs the question — if nuns are evil, do they punish you for being nice?

ROOM FOR RENT (May 3, 2019/Theaters | May 7, 2019 / VOD)
“Lonely widow Joyce rents out a room to make easy money. She meets mysterious drifter Bob and takes him in as a long-term tenant. She becomes obsessed with her much younger guest, making him the object of her deepest romantic fantasies. When a friend’s betrayal derails Joyce’s fantasy world, she seizes control of her own destiny with a deadly mission to finally get what she deserves.”

GMILF gone wild.

Catch And Release Monsters, FBI vs. UFOs, Arabic Ghouls

If you ever catch the highly-marketable Loch Ness Monster, just know that its protected by the Scottish Natural Heritage, which demands you throw the beast back in the lake, lest ye be severely punished, probably with a stick or something.

If you think this is not serious, guess again. The following comes from recent BBC news report; “Scottish officials have a plan ready if the Loch Ness Monster is ever caught. Officials drew up a set of guidelines on how to protect the new species — including releasing it back into its watery home.”

“The ‘partly serious, partly fun’ code of practice was written in 2001 by Scottish Natural Heritage, which is funded by the Scottish government. SNH said it will “dust off” the plan and put it into action should the fabled beast be discovered, reports the BBC.”

“It says officials should take a DNA sample from the monster so scientists can study the creature. Then it should be released back into the Loch with measures put in place to make sure it is not disturbed — as it would be an extremely rare species needing conservation.”

Before you head to the corner bait shop (no, not a sushi restaurant) to get a bigger fishing pole, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be thrown in a lake…

ALONG CAME THE DEVIL (August 10, 2018)
“A troubled teen Ashley is sent to live with her estranged Aunt Tanya. While in her old hometown she has visions of her deceased mom, driving her to try to contact the spirit world putting her soul into grave danger.”

GHOUL (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“Based on Arabic folklore, Ghoul is a chilling series about a prisoner who arrives at a remote military interrogation center and turns the tables on his interrogators, exposing their most shameful secrets.”

Sound familiar? It should — it comes directly from the Stephen King TV mini series, Storm of the Century (1999). That one had a lot of weather in it.

UFO (September 4, 2018/DVD)
“Derek is a brilliant college student and haunted by a childhood UFO sighting. He believes that mysterious sightings reported at multiple airports across the United States are UFOs. With the help of his girlfriend, Natalie and his advanced mathematics professor, Dr. Hendricks, Derek races to unravel the mystery with FBI special agent Franklin Ahls on his heels.”

You don’t need to be a brilliant college student to know that UFOs are real. Every high school drop out knows that.

HELL FEST (September 28, 2018)
“On Halloween night, three young women and their respective boyfriends head to Hell Fest — a ghoulish traveling carnival that features a labyrinth of rides, games and mazes. They soon face a bloody night of terror when a masked serial killer turns the horror theme park into his own personal playground.”

Liked this better when it was called The Funhouse (1981). Looks like someone’s been double-dipping into idea bowl (aka, Hollywood toilet) again.

The Ghost and Mrs. Demur

After her seven-year-old son drowns, mystery novelist Rachel Carson (played by perennial hottie Demi Moore) can’t write successful novels anymore. So her husband and real estate best friend tell her to go to a cottage cliff rental in the Scottish Highlands where everyone talks like Scotty from Star Trek and smells like sheep clippings. It’s hoped this R&R will help her reconcile her grief and start making money again for spending purposes.

Once situated in Scotland, unusual events occur: The refrigerator magnet letters form messages from her dead son and there are brief flashes of ghostly figures and sheep poop everywhere you step. While staying in the stink village of Ingonish Cove, Rachel notices a light coming from the abandoned lighthouse within small dingy rowing distance across the wind-battered inlet.

So without a life vest, she rows there, meets a young man named Angus (isn’t everyone in Scotland named Angus, even the women?) and the two start hanging out ’n stuff. But wait just a Scooby Doo moment — the other villagers tell Rachel that Angus died years ago and that no one lives at the lighthouse, every since the bulb burnt out and no one wanted to change it. 

This, of course, appeals to her mystery-seeking nature. So she has sex with the guy to prove everyone wrong. But those messages from her dead son keep showing up as if to warn her of…something. She calls her girlfriend who flies to Scotland to have a girl’s night out with wine, fashion tips and comparing notes about doing it with ghost lighthouse keepers. 

Something isn’t quite adding up, though, so she digs a little more and with the help of her dead son’s communiques, stumbles across the truth: Angus isn’t a ghost at all, the big phony. He was hired by Demi’s husband and girlfriend (who are having a bare naked affair) to drive her mad so that they could control all of her spending money. Even real ghosts wouldn’t be that conniving.

Rachel/Demi is bagpipe hot and while she has sex and doesn’t show her fun parts, you’ll still like looking at her for hours at a time. As for Half Light (2006), I probably won’t be looking at it for anymore hours at a time. I wanted rot-faced ghosts and international intrigue, but all I got was a tepid mystery. (Given the movie’s location, it’s practically an insult to not factor in the Loch Ness Monster, if even for a cameo.) I still heart Scotland, though.

Cash For Monsters, Paranormal TV, Legal Killers

Here’s a slick piece of marketing — Capcom™, maker of video games — has created a promotion around Monster Hunter: World, which has already sold over 5 million copies. Teaming with The Centre of Fortean Zoology founder Jonathan Downes, Capcom™ is offering £50,000 ($70,000 USD) “to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of one of 10 real-life monsters”.

Fellas, get out your checkbook — of the 10 monsters, I have proof of 11. (I put Bigfoot on there twice, because he’s twice as cool as any other cryptid.) If you wanna get in on this paranormal payday action, here’s the list of Capcom’s™ Most Wanted…

• Bigfoot

• The Loch Ness Monster

• Mongolian Death Worm

• Mermaid

• Earth Hound

• The Yeti/Almasty

• Chupacabra

• The Flying Snake of Namibia

• Yowie

• Cornish Owlman

In their press release, Capcom™ says before they cough up the coin, you must provide proof of one of these monsters by June 20, 2018 in order to clock some dollaz. (After receiving the evidence, Downes and his team will analyze it, and any hunter who provides definite proof will be awarded the prize, with multiple winners splitting the pot.)

Just so you know, I’m not splitting my winnings with anyone. My bar tab ain’t gonna pay for itself. (Hint: In bars is where I found most of the monsters. But look in Taco Bell™ restroom toilets for Mongolian Death Worms.)

While you get an expedition together, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth hunting down…

RED EYE (February 9, 2018)
“Gage Barker, a young man who grew up on the tales of Red Eye as a kid, learns that there could be some truth behind these folk tales. This myth covers a violent, deranged masked murderer, who dwells in the backwoods of Black Creek, West Virginia. With a group of his friends and his camera equipment in tow, they hike into the woods to seek him out or to prove that he is nothing more than a myth.”

Violent deranged masked murderer. Four words that go together as seamlessly as “super fun happy slide.” As for the friends going into the woods to look for Red Eye (he has a conjunctivitis prone sister — Pink Eye), I call dibs on anything cool you might own.

UNSANE (March 23, 2018)
“A young woman is involuntarily committed to a mental institution. She is then confronted by her greatest fear…but is it real or is it a product of her delusion?”

Word around the produce aisle is that this movie was shot entirely on an iPhone™. Pfffft — anyone can do that because everybody in the freaking grocery store has an iPhone™. Want to really make an impression? Trying filming a horror movie using only two empty cans of Del Monte™ Creamed Corn™ tethered by a long piece of wax string. All bars in all places.

THE FIRST PURGE (July 4, 2018)
“Behind every tradition lies a revolution. Next Independence Day, witness the rise of our country’s 12 hours of annual lawlessness. Welcome to the movement that began as a simple experiment: The First Purge. To push the crime rate below one percent for the rest of the year, the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) test a sociological theory that vents aggression for one night in one isolated community. But when the violence of oppressors meets the rage of the marginalized, the contagion will explode from the trial-city borders and spread across the nation.”

Thanks to the current political climate, this prequel makes perfect sense. But they’re overlooking the irony; the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) are the ones creating the public’s aggressive behavior. Why else would the clearly Republican paperboy flip me off every day? (Okay, I may have started it. But he should be the bigger person here, the punk.)

OUR HOUSE (2018)
“A young genius accidentally invents a device that amplifies the paranormal activity within his family’s house, possibly bringing back the spirits of loved ones, and unleashing things far worse.”

Uh, no — the “young genius” didn’t invent a paranormal activating amplification device. It’s already been around for multiple decades — and it’s called a “TV”. While mine doesn’t bring back spirits of dead people, if you get the expanded programming package, you can unleash all kinds of things, far worse and beyond.

Rock ‘n Roll Aliens, Giant Bullies, Wiccan Babysitters

Keith Richards, iconic rock guitarist and co-founder of The Rolling Stones, recently interviewed on 98.5 WNCX FM Radio in Cleveland, OH, that not only does he believe in aliens, he claims there’s an actual extraterrestrial landing strip on his expansive property in England. Given how much drugs and alcohol the famous wasted musician has infamously consumed over the last 100 years ago (you got that one, right?), surprised he hasn’t also seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and/or Mothman lurking about his front yard as well. (Then again, he might think they’re just roadies.)

I believe him. Rock and roll wouldn’t lie. So maybe Keith should rewrite some of his songs to support his claim: “Beam Me Up”, “Let’s Spend The Night Together on Uranus”, “Blue Turns To Greys”, “You Can’t Always Get Abducted When You Want”, and “It’s Only Probing (But I Like It)”. I’m thinkin’ platinum sales, here.

While we wait for the Stones’ intergalactic tour, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you satisfaction…

I KILL GIANTS (2018)
“A teenage girl chooses to escape the realities of school and a drab family life by retreating into her magical world of titans and giants. With the help of her new friend Sophia and her school therapist, Barbara, will learn to battle her giants and face her fears — tackling the bullies at school, her sister, and her difficult home life.”

I liked it better when it was Harry Potter. Still, giant monsters and difficult home life. I can relate.

HEREDITARY (2018)
“When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter’s family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.”

Big talk about this on the movie/dive bar circuit. I bet Helen’s shameful ancestry has something to do with an unpaid bar tab. Note to matriarchs: dine ‘n dash = NOT COOL.

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)
“The anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist — a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Sounds nifty, though for a great “people trapped in a movie theatre while evil beings eat your face and/or popcorn”, try the Italian gore snack bar, Demons (1985). You’ll forget all about your AMC Stubs™ reward points.

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)
“A scheming con artist poses as innocent babysitter ‘Amber’ to steal from Ted Hooper, a wealthy occult enthusiast with a reclusive son named Kevin. Her crew arrives to clean out the house just as Kevin stumbles upon one of his father’s most prized artifacts and unwittingly summons a trio of witches known as The Three Mothers. As the playful, sadistic witches start picking people off, Amber and Kevin form an unlikely bond and try to survive the night together.”

That would be fun to have witches as babysitters. If you spill a jar of dried frog tongues, there’s plenty of brooms around to sweep ’em up. Wonder if they know any “take out the garbage” spells and/or enchantments? That would so awesome.

Lake Monsters, Killer Snowmen, Hometown Exorcisms

Lots of reports of fresh sightings of the Lake Norman Monster (his name is “Normie”). Located in North Carolina, Normie’s been gooning out tourists by flashing his hump lately in public. While sightings go back 50 years, some think the creature is  a giant catfish, others an actual leftover from the prehistoric era. I’m theorizing it’s a Loch Ness monster shaped log someone threw in the lake. (Okay, it was me. Are you happy?)

Lake Norman is just under 20 miles from Uptown Charlotte. I know her; she’s kind of a floozy. If you go on LakeNormanMonster.com, there isn’t much in the way of compelling photographic evidence (mostly testimonies from drunk fishermen), but a virtual roadside stand of Normie books, posters, art, T-shirts and coffee mugs. I’ll give this to North Carolina — they know how to market a the snot out of this “creature” whose “sightings” are the stuff of tourist dollar dreams.

So is there an actual lake monster living in a North American lake that people swim, fish and pee in? With no physical evidence whatsoever, all signs still point to yes. And speaking of things you might want to keep an eye out for, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV series that are more or less proven to exist…

TEMPLE (September 1, 2017)
“Three Americans on a trip to Japan are fascinated by a haunted temple, and, despite warnings from the villagers, decide to spend a night there.”

That’s Americans for you, never listening to anybody else other than the voices that come from the bottle you have a death grip on. Heck, show me a haunted temple/house/condo/dive bar and get out of my way. But know this — I won’t go all the way to Japan to party in a ghost-filled temple. Too expensive and I’d probably end up sitting next to a spirit of a coach class traveler the whole way there and back. The flick sounds fun, though it’ll probably look a LOT like one of my home movies.

THE EXORCIST SEASON 2 (Friday, September 29, 2017)
“Across the Atlantic, Father Bennett attempts to weed out those within the Vatican who have turned against God. Ultimately, Tomas and Marcus are led to Andrew Kim, a former child psychologist who runs a group home for five at-risk foster children on a secluded private island off the coast of Seattle. When one of the children under Andrew’s care is targeted by a powerful force, the two priests head west, setting themselves on a collision course with Hell.”

Two things: Watched season one and was blindsided with the story’s sweet twist. Secondly, season two takes place on a private island off the coast of Seattle? Well, double sweet, as the Emerald City is where I dwell. However, I do take issue with the “private island off the coast of Seattle” part; there is no such thing. There is, though, Vashon, Bainbridge and Whidbey islands, all of which are wide open to the stinky public and are only short ferry/paddle boat rides to go stink up the place. There’s a bunch of small islands (San Juans, Camano) within seagull reach. Maybe it’s one of those damned places. Heh.

THE SNOWMAN (October 20, 2017)
“When an elite crime squad’s lead detective investigates the disappearance of a victim on the first snow of winter, he fears an elusive serial killer may be active again. With the help of a brilliant recruit, the cop must connect decades-old cold cases to the brutal new one if he hopes to outwit this unthinkable evil before the next snowfall.”

Total stock serial killer plot, but with one exception — Michael Fassbender is the lead detective. He was Magneto in a couple X-Men movies and the android David/Walter in Alien: Covenant (2017). Also — and this is no joke — his character’s name in this one is Harry Hole. (I can’t even type that without LOL-ing.) But it’s true. You can’t make up stuff like this. Okay, I could. But no one else.

CHARISMATA (2017/2018)
“As a rookie detective struggling to find acceptance in a police department defined by a culture of bullying and intolerance, things go from bad to worse when the chief suspect in a series of brutal ritualistic murders takes a personal interest in her. A game of cat and mouse ensues which sees Rebecca’s grasp on reality beginning to spiral out of control, leading to a terrifying climax where she needs to fight for her sanity, her life and maybe even her soul.”

Maybe her soul? C’mon — make that part happen. No one cares about anybody’s sanity anymore as we’re all pretty much insane (except me). But when you throw a soul into the spiked punch bowl, then it’s time to grab a cup and start bailin’ like the darn thing sprung a leak. I do like the movie’s title — sounds like a freshly showered/powdered stripper or an ‘80s superheroine whose costume is nothing but stain-resistant spandex.

African Loch Ness Monster

A helicopter carrying a famed British cryptozoologist explorer with a cool adventure hat, a guide, a hot chick, a two-man film crew, and the guy’s 15 year-old stowaway son are taken out by prehistoric flying reptiles, one of which gets a taste of modern technology by the chopper blades. They were on their way over Africa to research — and film — dinosaurs, specificially Mokele mnembe (river monster), reported to be thriving deep in the unexplored jungle where no 7-Eleven™ dare sets up shop.

Those not killed in the crash get eaten by the bat-like birds, one of which is the hottie female assistant. I think she had three lines before her chewy death. Enough for an IMBD.com credit, I suppose.

With all communications equipment crunched, the survivors plod through the jungle and down a river in search of a 7-Eleven™ and safety. Good plan — too bad it doesn’t work. Mokele mnembe shows up to flip the boats and have some land sushi. “It’s the African version of the Loch Ness monster, but more plausible” declares the explorer, whose hat never comes off, even when battling river monsters.

This is all filmed with a bunch of GoPro™ cameras that the 15 year-old kid brings. (He has seven, none of which runs out of juice and always seems to stay in focus.) He manages to strap one on to a small raptor to see where it goes. (He feed it candy to gain its trust. That trick always works with me as well.)

The small group of leapin’ lizards are remotely viewed on an iPad™ going into a grotto and into the secret valley where all the dinosaurs do their business. Unfortunately, the explorer’s “right hand man,” who never gets any of the TV glory, goes rogue and tries to kill the boy, pushing him down the dino-hole. Fortunately, the GoPros™ are still going pro.

The Dinosaur Project (2012) is actually not as dumb as you’d imagine. A mash-up of The Land That Time Forgot (1975), The People That Time Forgot (1977), Journey to the Center of the Earth, (2008), Land of the Lost (2009) and Jurassic Park (1993), the monsters look fairly convincing, the “found footage” is found and tells the whole story about the dinoaurs and the hat always stays on the head. Although it probably came off after going over that cliff. Oh, snap — did I just spoil the party?

P.S. Full Discolsure — I previewed this one back on October 14 of 2011. My neighbor was being a dick that day that day. But as the film had as yet to be released, the promo pics showed dino-monsters that never made it to the final cut. So I’m legally off the hook for that misrepresentation. And to that I say “whew!”

Insane Asylums, Demonic Bigfoot, Jungle Gods

If someone on the beach started screaming and pointing towards the water and yelling there’s the Loch Ness Monster, would you look? If you were in Scotland you would. I won’t be falling for that one again.

Here’s some upcoming horror you won’t have to go to Scotland to see…

THE HERETICS (February 14, 2017 / European Film Market)
“A young girl is abducted by a man after he claims that a cult is hunting her. His goal is to protect her until sunrise but while restrained, the young girl falls deathly ill. While her friends and family search for her, the source of her illness becomes more and more apparent. She’s not sick…she’s changing.”

Based on that press release, this is the same plot as Midnight Special (2016). I don’t think she’s changing into a ball of light alien like that kid in MS. I wouldn’t be opposed to that, though. Wish I could do that; I’d save a fortune on light bulbs.

THE INSTITUTE (March 3, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“Based on true events a 19th Century young woman who, due to grief following the untimely death of her parents, voluntarily checks herself into a mental institute. While there she is subjected to bizarre, pseudo-scientific experiments in personality modification, brainwashing and mind control.”

Those techniques, while pioneered in the 19th Century, have been refined and modernized for the 20th Century. Today we call experiments in personality modification, brainwashing and mind control “Happy Hour.”

DIG TWO GRAVES (March 24, 2017/Theater/VOD)
“Set in the 1970s, the pic follows 13-year-old Jacqueline Mather who, after losing her brother in a mysterious drowning accident, soon is visited by three moonshiners who offer to bring her brother back to life but at a grim cost.”

I’m gonna have to side with the moonshiners here. If you can’t trust someone who makes illegal booze, what does that say about us as a civilized society?

DEVIL IN THE DARK (2017)
“When estranged brothers Adam and Clint attempt to reconnect over a week-long hunting trip in remote British Columbia, they find the tables turned by a mysterious presence lurking in the forest.”

The mysterious presence in the Pacific Northwest woods can only be one of three things: Bigfoot, Bigfoot’s mother’s brother’s cousin or a Wendigo thingamajig. Or maybe it’s a Magic Bigfoot who dabbles in the Dark Arts. Yeah, I’m goin’ with that one.

KONG: SKULL ISLAND (March 10, 2017)
The latest Kong: Skull Island ad poster is a nice homage to 1979’s Apocalypse Now. Got me thinking — what other similarities are there? In Apocalypse Now a military colonel goes rogue, kills a bunch of people and builds a kingdom for himself deep in the Viet Nam jungles.

In Kong: Skull Island, a giant rogue gorilla kills a bunch of people and builds himself a kingdom deep in the jungles of Skull Island.

My bad — totally different.