Lucky Harms, Drunk UFOs, Farming Evil

There are two takeaways from the 1993 left-field cult classic, Leprechaun. It was made for one million lucky charms and grossed $8.6 million luckier charms. Secondly, it was Jennifer Aniston’s (Friends) first appearance in a movie. It also spawned seven sequels, one of which put the gold-seeking runt in outer space (Leprechaun 4/1997). Now you can get all the behind-the-scenes gold of Leprechaun with the just released book, The Making of the Movie Leprechaun — I Need Me Gold! by filmmaker B. Harrison Smith. 

From the press release: “Published in hardcover and paperback by BearManor Media™, the 306-page book chronicles the making of the 1993 cult classic, doubling as a how-to guide for independent filmmakers. It has been endorsed by Leprechaun writer-director Mark Jones and features a foreword by actor Ken Olandt. Follow director-writer Mark Jones’ journey from his early days in TV animation through The A-Team, The Fall Guy, Hunter, and so many more. This is a story of how a unique group of people came together to make an indie film under grueling pressure in a day before streaming and DVD. Want to make movies? Read this book to the rainbow at the end.”

While we click this to buy the $38.00 book, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature a greedy gnome and/or Jennifer Anniston…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: ORIGINS / Out now (VOD)

“Before Area 51, hidden deep in the desert, the military discovered a hidden gem that helped them cover up the UFO wave of 1947. Roswell was not the only event that took place. Arizona was home to three major UFO events that the public hardly knows about. These events helped create Project Bluebook.”

Been following UFO events since I learned how to spell “UFO.” (About the 4th grade.) I’ve often been asked if I’ve ever seen a UFO, to which I reply, “Depends on how much I’ve been drinking.” Stock answer, but I stand by it. 

THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOLE MINE / May 18, 2023 (VOD)

“Inside a long-abandoned gold mine, lurks the Shakani, a dark supernatural being conjured by the Shanowah tribe ages ago to defeat their enemies. Not only ferocious and fast, but can appear as anyone and get inside your mind. Luke’s ancestors trapped it in the mine but each has also gone crazy. Now Luke’s niece has come down with ‘the family curse.’ But Luke believes with the proper medical treatment she can be healed if only he can get the money to pay for it. So with a couple friends he tries his luck at the gold mine but gradually realizes he must defeat the Shakani and end the family curse.”

I looked up Shanowah to find out why they have a gold mine and won’t share it with anyone. Here is my search result: “A Shanowah is a girl who generally comes from the bush and loves horses. Most Shanowah have blonde hair and can’t spell very good.” Turns out I know a lot of Shanowah.

FIRST CONTACT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Casey and Dan, two estranged adult siblings, travel to their late scientist father’s farmhouse to make sense of his incomplete work. They soon learn that their father’s work was far more dangerous than they could ever imagine — an evil entity, buried in time and space for millions of years, has been released and has begun wreaking havoc on the locals. One by one the bodies start to pile up. Now, Dan and Casey must figure out the secrets of this extra-dimensional monster before it’s too late.”

An evil entity millions of years old. That’s a lot of extra-dimensional birthday cake candles.

BEARS ON A SHIP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After their flight gets canceled, a group of travelers take an offer on a ship voyage to their destination, unknowing that there are other passengers aboard — specifically, hungry murderous bears.”

The last time someone put bears on a boat, it didn’t end well. Just ask who in Noah’s family were left after the waters receded.

Extraterrestrially Inebriated, Social Media Monstrosity, Space Spouse

On July 8, 2023, we celebrate the 76th anniversary of America’s most famous UFO story: The Roswell Incident. That’s when in 1947, rancher W.W. “Mac” Brazel discovered wreckage from an illegally parked flying saucer on his remote ranch just outside of the municipality of Conspiracyville, or “Corona, NM.” (Note to purists: Mac actually found the extraterrestrial debris field on July 6, but his mechanical horse ran out of petrol coming into town to report it.)

Since that time, one billion million UFO sightings have been reported, some even sober. That’s right — according to the National UFO Reporting Center™ (located in Washington State, where I live and see alien spacecraft ALL THE TIME), statistics suggest these reports are made by…drunk people. According to The Economist, “The National UFO Reporting Center receives tens of thousands reported sightings of UFOs, with the majority happening on Fridays, in the West, and during…drinking hours.” (See official-looking graph.)

In an article in The Atlantic, journalist Derek Thompson presents his theories: “Utah, the state with the lowest beer consumption by far, has a higher share of UFO sitings than North Carolina, the state with the highest beer consumption. Washington, the state where you’re most likely to report a UFO, drinks less alcohol than all but six states. It’s plausible that people don’t see UFOs while they’re working or sleeping because they’re working indoors and completely unconscious.”

So while we crack six or more tall boys and stumble outside during prime time UFO viewing hours and submit our Happy Hour sightings at the top of our lungs to the NURC™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-movies that may or may not be made better by drinking…

MEAN SPIRITED February 27, 2023 (VOD)

“After receiving an invitation to his estranged friend’s mountain cottage, a wannabe vlogger aims to bury the hatchet with their now-celebrity friend who isn’t quite himself anymore.”

Social Media Horror [ soh-shuhl mee-dee-uh hawr-er ] / noun, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est. Tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless; annoying or irritating.

STATIC CODES / June 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A man’s wife was abducted by aliens 10 years ago during a car accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Given up on life, he has become consumed with only one mission: finding his wife.”

Why?

THE HOUSE AMONG TREES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A hybrid of modern crime fiction and classic horror story, The House Among The Trees follows three low-level burglars who accidentally uncover a small town’s dark secrets after breaking into a secluded house.”

All small towns have dark secrets, some darker than others. For instance, the dark secret in my small town is…ME.

THE GRANDMOTHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Susana must leave her life working as a model in Paris and return home to Madrid after she learns that her grandmother Pilar — who raised her as her own after her parents died — has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Upon returning home, Susana attempts to find a long-term caretaker for Pilar, but what should be just a few days ends up becoming a genuine nightmare after Susana notices Pilar start to act strangely.”

If I needed a caregiver, I’d want it to be a Parisian supermodel. That would make me hemorrhage…but not in the cerebellum.

Hot Heads, South America Roswell, Rich Vampires

Just in time for the Halloween season (every month except December), is a haunted skull cake pan from Nordic Ware™. (It’d be neat if all pans were haunted). And at $38.00 (pre-tax/shipping — click HERE), you’d have to have cake batter for brains to pass on this must-have cookware. 

From Nordic Ware™: “Add some fright to your festivities with this spooky grinning skull cake pan. This frightfully fun pan makes the perfect cake for spooky gatherings. Bake two halves in one pan and put together with icing to make a 3D masterpiece. Just add a simple glaze or confectioners’ sugar for spooky results.” I like spooky results. Except when it comes to my proctology exam.

For the Chef Boyardees™ reading this, here is the skull pan’s biography: Cast aluminum, 1.8 lbs, nine cup capacity, Lifetime Warranty™. A customer’s review: “I love this pan. I covered my skull in homemade marshmallow and hand-painted it to resemble a Day of the Dead skull.” Is making homemade marshmallow legal? Doesn’t bootleg marshmallow fall under controlled substances?

So while you’re waiting for your cake pan and to eat it, too, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good a pastry skull…

THE ELDERLY / Out now

“Manuel, an octogenarian, falls into a state of dementia after the sudden suicide of his wife, sparking a series of paranormal events that will put his family’s lives at risk. Starting as a grounded drama exploring the indignities of old age, The Elderly gradually snaps off one guardrail after another, building to a crescendo of sheer terror with imagery that can never be unseen.”

The unabridged pocket dictionary defines “Octogenarian” as being between 80 and 90 years of age. I thought it meant you had eight arms.

MOMENT OF CONTACT / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Known as the Roswell of Brazil, Moment of Contact is an exploration of extraterrestrial encounters centered on a series of events in 1996 when citizens of Varginha, Brazil reported seeing a UFO crash and one or more strange creatures.”

A documentary that could also work as a cool sci-fi movie. This is a landmark event that’s been floating around UFO emotional support groups for the last 2.5 decades, which, if all those online math lessons haven’t failed me, is 20 years with some extra years added. Moment of Contact should be good, as the trailer shows the filmmakers interviewing Varginha townsfolk who personally saw this E.T.-gone-wild stuff hit the government-denied fan.  

SLAYERS / OCTOBER 21, 2022 / (Theaters, Apple TV™)

“Elliot Jones, a kick-butt vampire slayer, has one mission: find the vampire who murdered his teenage daughter. But he’ll need the help of social media superstars — The Stream Team. Upon accepting an opportunity to meet reclusive billionaire Beverly Rektor, they discover she’s a descendant of a long line of vicious vamps. Jones is their only hope of survival and tonight he’ll have his revenge.”

A billionaire vampire. She must keep all her money in a blood bank. Don’t look at me like that. It’s all I had.

EVERYONE WILL BURN / Pending release (2022/2023)

“In a small village in Leon, Spain, María José prepares to end her life after failing to get over the death of her son years before. Everything changes when she receives a visit from Lucía, a strange little girl who might be connected to a local legend about stopping an impending apocalypse. With the enigmatic girl by her side, María José faces the corrupt community, triggering strange events and a series of horrific deaths among the local population.”

There are other girls who can make people flame on: Firestarter’s (1984) Charlene “Charlie” McGee (“mind fire”), Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’s (2018-2020) Sabrina Spellman (“Hell fire”), and Tinder, Burning Man’s kid (“hippie fire”). Bonus ability — all can roast hot dogs…in their hands! I wish I could roast hot dogs in my hand.

Horror Kids, Old UFOs, Fighting The Devil

If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
“Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

I’ve met the Devil. She’s not such a bad guy.

Independent Aliens

If you’re an older sci-fi fan, you no doubt watched the patriotic UFO invasion mega blockbuster, Independence Day (1996). If you’re younger and/or have not seen it, read as though your life depended on it. Or not.

An alien spacecraft 1/4 the size of the moon is headed our way. Hard to miss. The mothership spits out a few dozen “smaller” ships 15 miles across. The ships strategically position themselves over high value targets like Washington, D.C. and Hollywood, with the intent to dead kill us all with devastating beams of doom.

Before the military can respond in kind, the aliens have turned major cities all over the world into urban fire pits. Our weapons are as useless as non-alcoholic beer, with the aliens launching even smaller UFOs to further rub our faces in it.

A highly-believable plan is devised: fly the recovered UFO that double-parked in Roswell, NM in 1947 (kept in storage), into space, dock with the mothership, upload a computer virus that renders the alien’s deflecto shields inoperable, (all the while hoping an Apple™ computer can seamlessly interface with alien technology), deliver a nuclear device as a last “f*ck you,” then undock and fly home in 30 seconds without getting blown up. This all sounds like a booze dream I once had.

The alien’s arrival is stunning, as is the air combat scenes and the blowing up of entire cities. Where it slows down is with three love stories interwoven into the plot. But hey, if we didn’t have the love angle, all we’d be left with is exciting extraterrestrial action, flying saucers, bombs, and the blowing up of cities.

Still, Independence Day is one of the better alien invasion/love story movies out there.

Super Cars, Rocket Scientists, Evil Elves

More key art designs for the upcoming Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), this time side profile mug shots of everybody except Superman. I guess they don’t want to give away the fact that Super Dude is coming back from the dead for this one. (He died at the end of 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice after tripping on his cape and falling in front of a more powerful locomotive. Tragic.)

As expected, the first wave of cross merchandising in advance of the highly anticipated Justice League movie starring Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg rolls in with action figures and, quite neato, Hot Wheels™ character die-cast cars. (Crossing fingers for Justice League tissue holders.)

While the first series of Justice League cars came out in 2012 for $20.00, the new JL Hot Wheels™ cars (releasing November 1, 2017) are the same price, but are cooler. For instance, the Batman car uses echo location instead of GPS. The Superman car is immune to fender benders. The Aquaman car runs on clam nectar. The Flash car comes with its own speeding tickets. The Cyborg car’s real name is KITT (If you’re old enough, you’ll get that joke.) And if you try and look under the hood of the Wonder Woman car, you get a slap on the face.

While we wait for these affordable choking hazards, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies and documentaries that don’t even have their logos on lunch boxes…

CHASING FLYING SAUCERS — THE STANTON FRIEDMAN STORY (available now)
“Are flying saucers real? For the past 40 years, Stanton Friedman has been the world’s foremost investigator and lecturer on the UFO phenomenon. He is credited with breaking the famous Roswell UFO case and is a leading expert on the procurement of government UFO documents. This is his story.”

Stanton Friedman’s been my go-to UFO guy for years. For one thing, he’s a former rocket scientist (but makes more bling on the fringe speaking circuit). Secondly, the guy seriously does his research and comes to the table with a stacked deck of facts, the first being that UFOs are real and that we’ve been Air BnB’d by extraterrestrials. Friedman should know; he’s the guy who pulled the pants down on that whole Roswell conspiracy. This isn’t a movie, but anyone wanting to make a UFO flick should watch this. And those who already have made UFO movies, watch Chasing Flying Saucers and go back and re-do everything from scratch.

BEYOND THE TREK (available now)
“A deep space mining vessel has been adrift for two years. It is suspected the crew brutally killed each other, but the reason for the bloodbath is unknown. A rescue crew is sent to find if there are any survivors, what happened and why, but what they discover might make them destroy themselves and the world.”

A Wal-Mart™ version of Star Trek Beyond (2016). So much so, they even patterned their characters after our favorite team of galaxy exploring/laser shooting pioneers — Space Bonanza.

BUCKOUT ROAD (October 7, 2017/International Black Film Festival)
“Buckout Road might be known as the most haunted road in New York State, but nobody really believed it…until now. A college class project on modern mythology turns deadly when a trio of students discovers a series of horrific urban legends surrounding Buckout Road may actually be true. The deeper they dig into the road’s dark, mysterious history, the more dangerous their quest becomes. From witches burning at the stake, to backwoods albino killers, to a modern, unstoppable stalker.”

Gotta be careful with saying this title at box socials, just like “Shiitake” mushrooms and “shih tzu” dogs. (I’m still trying to live down “coccyx”.) As for a “modern, unstoppable stalker, what does that mean — someone who relentlessly follows you around all the time? If that’s the case, then my mailman qualifies.

THE ELF (November 7, 2017 (VOD)/December 5, 2017 (DVD)
“Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, Nick discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family’s names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas holidays by whoever set it free.”

Christmas horror certainly isn’t in short supply this season, what with Better Watch Out and Red Christmas leading the charge. Last year was pretty good, too, as Krampus (the anti-Santa) was unwrapping skin left and right. And in A Christmas Horror Story (2015), the elves were zombies. I deem that cool. Thought this might be the year of rabid reindeer, but I’ll just have to put that one on my Christmas list for next year.