Archive for dinosaur

Loch Ness Monster 2.0

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beyond Loch Ness

In Beyond Loch Ness (aka, Loch Ness Terror/2008), the famous Scottish lake isn’t the only watering hole that harbors a living plesiosaur. There’s a big one — and a bunch of smaller ones — in Lake Superior. Superiorness, as I call her, is friggin’ huge, prone to mood swings and has a taste for land flesh.

Beyond Loch Ness

A cryptologist (scientist without accreditation) has been tracking this creature from the Loch all the way to the States and comes packing hi-tech weaponry, like a cell-melting gun, a stool-loosening oscillator, a five-foot rifle and cyanide-laced bullets. This goes nicely with his floor-length leather jacket and old-style cowboy hat. Good thing he has a facial scar (thanks to an earlier confrontation with Nessie), or his whole shtick wouldn’t be believable.

Beyond Loch Ness

So how did Nessie get from Scotland to the U.S.? Why, an underground express tunnel, of course. Duh. The good stuff: half-digested human legs hanging out of Superiorness’ mouth like unslurped spaghetti. The bad stuff: the plot. Nessie is petting-friendly; Why they had to make her a carnivorous Walkasaurus is just wrong.

Beyond Loch Ness

Demonic Possession, Foreign Weather, Avocados

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Guinea Pig: The Song of Solomon

Watching a bunch of haunted house documentaries on YouTube™. Loving the footage of alleged paranormal activity. Every time I pick up a camera, all I get are blurry pics of UFOs and Bigfoot. No photos of ghosts, though as I’m not too keen on wandering around houses that are reputed to be haunted. I hear there are poltergeists in a lot of ‘em. And that pretty much goons me out.

Speaking of not-so-scary things, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make your vision go blurry…

AMERICAN GUINEA PIG: THE SONG OF SOLOMON (pending crowd-funding)
Mary witnesses the brutal suicide of her father. His death unleashes the savage forces of demonic possession in her. The End of Days is upon the world, famine, drought, looting and chaos is ripping the world apart and the Catholic Church is trying to save an innocent soul from the ravages of satanic possession. Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed. The Song of Solomon’s true nature is to unleash an evil the world has been waiting for since the beginning of time.”

And to think all Mary’s father had to do to keep all this from happening was to call the Suicide Hotline. (And for those considering the chickensh*t way out, you might wanna make the call: 1-800-273-8255.) That aside, I do like the line, “Wave after wave of holy men are sent to confront the possessed.” Sounds like security at a Liverpool vs. Manchester United football match.

Lake of Shadows: The Legend of Avocado Lake

LAKE OF SHADOWS: THE LEGEND OF AVOCADO LAKE (pending crowd-funding)
“Three aspiring filmmakers venture to a mysterious lake resort to uncover a story on a local legend. As they get closer to the truth, the danger follows. Before they know it they are thrust into a fight for their lives and the truth about Avocado Lake. Based on true cases.”

Yes, avocados are true. I’ve seen them. They look like alien dinosaur eggs filled with some sort of green mush. As for the legend in the lake, it’s not a spoiler to tell you it’s a man-eating monster fish. If you didn’t already know that, like a five day old avocado, you’ve just been spoiled.

The Rain

THE RAIN (2018/Netflix)
“Set after a devastating biological catastrophe, the world as we know it has ended. Six years after a brutal virus wiped out almost all humans in Scandinavia, two siblings join a group of young survivors set out to find out whether a new world has begun somewhere else.”

A new foreign (Danish) horror series by movie streaming giant, Netflix™. For another really good horror series from a different country than the one I’m being over-taxed in, try The Returned (2015). It’s French, sub-titled and très bien.

Housewife

HOUSEWIFE (2018)
“Holly’s mother murdered her sister and father when she was seven. 20 years later and slowly losing her grip on the difference between reality and nightmares, she runs into a celebrity psychic who claims that he is destined to help her.”

I went to a psychic once. After handing her $20, she divined there would be a need for me to drink a beer in the near future. That I was drinking a beer at the time while fuming over losing the crazy cool Troll doll at the carnival’s ring toss, had nothing to do with it. I believed her and mere minutes later, I was drinking YET ANOTHER beer. Uncanny, true and thus money well spent. P.S. Screw you, rigged ring toss.

Dragons and Nickel Candy Bars

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Valley of the Dragons

It’s 1881. And Michael Denning (USA) and Hector Servadac (not USA, but still kinda cool Frenchman) were doing what any two guys arguing over a girl would normally be doing: facing off in a duel with pistols.

Valley of the Dragons

Just as they’re about to glock block each other, a passing comet overhead whips up a ferocious storm so blast-y, it sucks the at-odds gentlemen 1,000,000 miles into space and 1,000,000 BACK IN TIME! Face-slapping astonishment here; I had no idea meteors had those kinds of super powers.

Valley of the Dragons

The men end up in a jungle as real estate and property taxes hadn’t been invented yet. It’s here they encounter two warring tribes of cavemen and cave women, a fiesty volcano with the worst temperament, and giant, mouth open, fighting lizards feasting on said cave people. Can you say f’d in the cave-hole?

Cat-Women of the Moon / Rodan

Using the framework of Off on a Comet, an 1877 Jules Verne novel (that’s probably French for “book”), Valley of the Dragons (1961) certainly lives up to its name. They do this by sweetening the plot with stock footage from Cat-Women of the Moon (1953) and Rodan (1956), whose cameos are relegated to some prairie dog pop-ups and a few fly-bys.

Valley of the Dragons

Not forgetting their discord, both men decide to resolve their face-shooting dispute AFTER they figure out what the heck is going on, how to get back to their own time, and more importantly, how to divide up the two hottest of the cave chicks not as yet eaten by the “dragons.”

Valley of the Dragons

One clan gets trapped in a cave with a slobbering giant lizard right outside the door-less opening. Using spears and rocks, the cave people, led by French Hector, poke the beast like it was sleeping in late. But it isn’t until his science thoughts kick in that he figures out how to make gun powder from the colored dirt everyone’s bleeding on.

Valley of the DragonsYou can guess where this is headed and how this ends for the dragon. But the most exciting part is when the volcano blows and all involved at the foot of said Mt. Explode gets the herd thinned by earth-cracked crevices and tsunamis of pyroclastic flow.

Valley of the Dragons

Initiating a chest-patting peace accord between the surviving tribes, Mike and Hec calculate the comet will return in seven years, thereby whisking them back to their plentiful world of nickel candy bars and .34¢ a gallon gasoline. More than enough time to teach the cave girls in the ways of future love.

Closing statement: Rodan did not eat any of the cave people. He could’ve, but just didn’t. It’d be totally not cool if you went around telling everybody he did. Don’t be a dick, ’k?

Human Dinosaur

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Killersaurus

Arriving September 27, 2016 on DVD, Killersaurus combines a human with a dinosaur to create an unstoppable meat grinder. Here are the particulars…

“When a scientist runs short of funding for his life-saving medical Bio-Printing research, he accepts an offer of investment from a shadowy military organization.”

“In return, he is forced to use his technology to create the ultimate battlefield weapon – a full size Tyrannosaurus Rex. After a horrific accident in which the dinosaur massacres his research team, the scientist shuts down the project. However, his investors demand results and it can only be a matter of time before the deadly T-Rex is unleashed upon the world.”

Carnosaur

While the movie’s trailer is weak, I do like the concept. And the name Killersaurus I feel is pretty cool. Not as cool as 1993’s Carnosaur, though. That one was so bad good, they couldn’t help but make sequels: Carnosaur 2 (1995) and Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (1996).

I’m pretty sure they used real dinosaurs in those movies. That said, I hope they use a real half-human/half-dinosaur in Killersaurus. Movie-goers love realism.

U-Killersaurus

P.S. Just so I can say I told you so, they took the name Killersaurus from the Ultra-Man stable of monsters. U-Killersaurus and U-Killersaurus Neo appeared in 2006’s Ultraman Mebius & the Ultra Brothers. Both were able to shoot fireballs, Saurus-Stinger missiles, and the aptly-named Terrible Flasher, all of which are terribly awesome.

Queen Kong: Jungle Skank

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Queen Kong

If you feel life is not precious then go ahead and waste an hour and a half of it watching Queen Kong (1976). Yeah, something that dumb can only be a comedy spoof. If only it were funny. But I’ll tell you whose laughing – the attorneys for King Kong, who got this thing tied to a sacrificial altar due to copyright squeezings brought on by King Kong (1976)/King Kong Lives (1986) producer Dino De Laurentiis. How do you them bananas?

Queen Kong

While it only got limited release Italy and Germany, Queen Kong is so painfully painful, it’s doubtful Queen Kong would’ve had an impact on her male counterpart. They took the story and flipped genders, with the strangle-worthy British lead male in the role of Ray Fay (groan) being sacrificed to Queen Kong, who falls in love with the twit and let’s her affection get her caught and imported to London to wiggle her chain-linked boobs for profit.

Queen Kong

If the effects, which are anything but special, have you throwing fruit at your TV (it’s not your magic viewing box’s fault), the acting – mostly hot chicks in bikinis – and the dialogue that induces reverse-eating. Example: The supermodel tribe leader chick only speaks in jungle-ese and says stuff like “Unga bunga, wanga banga.” Sounds like a Ted Nugent song.

Queen Kong

Even with QK battling a giant paper mache dinosaur, it’s the sissy boy Ray Fay whose arrogant preening makes you wanna see a giant primate step on him. Endless shrieking and bragging, this idiot looks like one of the Herman’s Hermits and says stuff like, “You can’t eat me! I’m Jewish! I’m Irish! I’m black! I’m a leper! I’m a Jewish black Irish leper!” The death penalty would be too lenient.

Pluses: Dozens of hot chicks in bikinis. Minuses: The rest of the movie.

Queen Kong

Killersaurus Is A Dino-snore

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Killersaurus

Can’t go to the mall cineplex without tripping over slobbering little dinosaur fans gooning out over Jurassic World (2015). And with all things massively successful (JW has already made over a billion fun coupons in just a few weeks of its release), comes the inevitable knock offs and cash-ins.

One such cash quickie is Killer/Saurus (releasing July 6, 2015), a science-gone-wrong take of the military trying to weaponize a T-rex. Good luck with that.

Killersaurus

The bad news: “When a scientist runs short of funding for his life-saving medical bio-printing research, he accepts an offer of investment from a shadowy military organization. In return, he is forced to use his technology to create the ultimate battlefield weapon – a full-size Tyrannosaurus Rex. After a horrific accident in which the dinosaur massacres his research team, the scientist shuts down the project. However, his investors demand results, and it can only be a matter of time before the deadly T-rex is unleashed upon the world!”

Carnosaur

The good news: Dinosaurs running amok on mankind can easily be found in the Carnosaur series, starting in 1993 and going all chomp chomp on your breadbasket with Carnosaur 2 (1995), Carnosaur 3: Primal Species and Raptor (1996), which is a direct-to-video part of the franchise but unwisely chose to not carry on with the proud Carnosaur family name.

U-Killersaurus

P.S. Hope it doesn’t f-up your day, but there was a Killersaurus that was/is part of the Ultra-Man 1980s series that got its start back in 1966. (Actually, they referred to him as U-Killersaurus.) To further f-up your day, there was a Neo-Killersaurus that appeared in the Ultraman Mebius & The Ultra Brothers movie released in 2006.

Now that this information has totally f’d up your day, there’s nowhere to go but up!

Drunk Dinosaur

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on December 3, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Reptilicus

Despite looking like a pension drunk dinosaur puppet with wings, skin that’s as tough as Godzilla’s dickey (a faux shirt front worn under the jacket that looks quite stylish with powder blue tuxedos), and the ability to DUI fly, Reptilicus (1962) is quite badass.

Reptilicus

That he can regenerate himself from any chunk blown off during an exchange of military fire, makes ’Tilicus one durable city-wrecker. Oh, yeah – he can also shoot cartoon green acid glop from his frozen snarl. Again, badass.

Reptilicus

Miners making holes in the ground unearth (or “dig up”) a section of Reptilicus’ tail. Cool – something for the mantle. Once the tail thawed, it reformed itself into the aforementioned giant drunk monster. From there it goes on a party binge in Copenhagen, being that one ass hat of a guest who wouldn’t leave.

Reptilicus

Reptilicus was not played by a man in a rubber suit or computer-generated, which means he’s a puppet whose strings and patience are being yanked. Scientists figure out how to poison the monster long enough for the military to ’86 poor misunderstood Reptilicus and… Wait – did I just see his unharmed foot fall into the sea? PARTY!

Reptilicus