Archive for Hollywood

Award Winning Alien

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien: Covenant

Alien: Covenant (2017) hasn’t come out as of this e-blogging, but its already won numerous awards. The latest key art was named “Best Reason To Crap Your Pants With Glee,” along with “Best Reason To Not Die Until The Movie Comes Out on May 19, 2017,” and the coveted “Best Romantic Date Night” movie.

These, of course, are the awards I’m giving Alien: Covenant. I have no doubts that come the Academy Awards in 2018 that the movie will be a clean sweep in all divisions, including the category of “Best Foreign Organism.”

I can’t wait to see a Xenomorph come up on stage to receive the first of many Oscar trophies. Let’s hope he acid sneezes all over the front row audience.

My Name Is Evil

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Name Is Bruce

The legendary Bruce Campbell stars as himself in My Name Is Bruce (2007), or rather the version of himself as the star of The Evil Dead (1981).

My Name Is Bruce

Kidnapped by a horror fan teenager and brought to the small mining town of Gold Lick, Oregon to do battle with Guan-di, a Chinese demon god of war, Bruce thinks it’s all a gag being played on him as a birthday present from his manager.

My Name Is Bruce

Guan-di is protecting the souls of 100 dead Chinese immigrants who died in a mining disaster one million years ago, and he does this by slicing off the heads of anyone within the zip code of his scythe. Bruce, all the while, thinks it’s all a joke and wise-cracks his way through the party, referring to the town as a “fart hole” and offering a hot chick a chance to play with his “boom stick.”

My Name Is Bruce

Non-stop of laugh-out-loud moments, with p*ssed off townsfolk yelling things like, “You were the worst thing about Moontrap!” as Bruce finds out the demon is real and turns tail. Sir Campbell is in his element, tossing off sharp one-liners and hamming it up as a self-obsessed Hollywood movie star. I thought about writing ’em all down, but figured it’s way better to hear Bruce deliver the goods.

My Name Is Bruce

And speaking of goods, the hot single mom of the kid who kidnapped (so THAT’S where that term came from) Bruce is one well-rounded actress, if you get the inference. Which means there’s two more reasons to watch this movie right the heck now.

Tattooed Vampire

Posted in Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakewoman

Back in her early 20th Century day Oriana Balasz, an underground movie icon, was quite the spanker, what with her deviant behavior and excesses of the flesh. A publishing company wants the rights to all her works, including the film she never released, which promised to be more shocking, even by today’s standards. I don’t know; the bar on shocking is set pretty high. But what the heck — I say go for it.

Snakewoman

A publicist travels to Oriana’s Spanish mansion to sink the deal with her heirs. That’s when Snake Woman shows up, a sort of punk rock biker chick with no clothes, vampire fangs and a snake tattoo that goes all the way around her body and across her butt region.

Snakewoman

The “shocking” love scenes in Snakewoman (2005) are overlong and about as sexy as cardboard. And what is it with European chicks and the unshaved armpit thing? That’s more scary than anything else in this “erotic thriller.” Boring excuse for owning a TV.

Smart Aliens, Evilness & World Destroying Cats

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Life

Looking at the overflowing toilet of impending horror/sci-fi movies, I’m visibly shocked and probably shaken to the core that there are no movies about robot werewolves. Hollywood — where are you? I’ve written 13 scripts, all ready to go. Admittedly, they’re all the same. But hey, if it’s not broken, why fix it?

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that don’t have robot werewolves in ‘em…

LIFE (May 26, 2017)
“A six-member crew of the International Space Station is on the cutting edge of one of the most important discoveries in human history: the first evidence of extraterrestrial life on Mars. As the crew begins to conduct research, their methods end up having unintended consequences and the life form proves more intelligent than anyone ever expected.”

Of course extraterrestrials are more intelligent than we are; they don’t live here. A big-budget sci-fi movie featuring movie stars who have more money in their bank accounts than us non-Hollywood types. They should pay us to go to the movies.

From a House on Willow Street

FROM A HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET (2017/VOD/Limited)
“Roguish kidnappers abduct the daughter of a wealthy diamond distributor. When they have her locked up in their hideout, they realize she’s been possessed by a sinister demon.”

Rougish kidnappers. They sound mean. I hope the sinister demon gives them a smack lesson in civic manners and such.

Moggy Creatures

MOGGY CREATURES (in-production/2017)
“A couple takes in a stray cat, hoping to rebuild their marriage, only to have it spawn a litter of evil monsters.”

If you need a cat to rebuild your marriage, your relationship is already in the dumper. As for a litter of evil monsters, they’re cats; what did you expect? Cats have been planning the end of the world long before we started buying ‘em Fancy Feast™, sparkle collars and giving them names like “Shakespurr” and “Sir Pickles Pennybottom.”

Nightworld

NIGHTWORLD (2017)
“When former LAPD officer Brett Anderson takes a job as head of security at an old apartment building in Bulgaria’s capital, he soon begins to experience a series of bizarre and terrifying events. Once he begins to delve deep into the building’s sinister history, and investigate its shadowy owners and past employees, Brett soon uncovers a malevolent force nestled deep in the bowels of the building in basement that will do anything to be set free into our world.”

Sound familiar? Of course it does. This was the same plot for Mirrors (2008), except in that one it was an evil department store. But hey, “apartment” rhymes with “department,” so guilty as charged.

Cut Shoot Kill

CUT SHOOT KILL (2017)
Serena Brooks, an ambitious young actress, signs on as the star of a horror film with a crew of backwoods filmmakers that have worked together for years. When the cast starts disappearing, Serena has to become her character if she wants to survive.”

YET ANOTHER case of plot-lifting. This was the outline of Cut, released back in 2000. That one starred Molly Ringwald, who was in the delightful, yet critically savaged Jem and the Holograms (2015). The media can be so cruel.

Ghosts, Voodoo and Ex-Wives

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackburn

I just figured this out the other day — it’ll take me 120 years to watch every horror/sci-fi movie ever made. And that’s IF Hollywood and all these do-it-yourself Scorceses stop making more of ’em right now; I don’t think I have much more than another 120 years left in me.

BLACKBURN (available now)
“A forest fire and rock-slide trap five bickering college friends in a small Alaskan ghost town with a horrifying history. When they seek refuge inside the torched ruins of Blackburn Asylum, they must fight to survive as the angry inhabitants slaughter the friends one-by-one.”

This one came out in the UK last September (2015, if you’re entering this in some sort of blog log). Why they got it before my zip code is a stunning affront to my community standing as a dumbass horror movie fanatic. Blackburn is another “ghosts in an abandoned insane asylum” story. On second thought, the UK can keep it as I’ve seen that SAME MOVIE 150,000 times. Give or take.

Voodoo

VOODOO (February 24, 2017)
“Dani, an innocent southern girl, is vacationing in Los Angeles to evade her increasingly complicated life. Once Dani arrives in L.A., she learns that trying to escape her past is not as easy as she had hoped.”

Makes you wonder what an “innocent southern girl” did that was so f’d up as to run away to Los Angeles, home of f’d up people with bad pasts, presents and futures. I bet as part of her chores she forgot to milk a cow and it exploded. Now there’s a movie I could get into.

The Ninth Passenger

THE NINTH PASSENGER (2017)
“There are eight partying college students aboard the luxury yacht owned by an evil biotechnology CEO, who’s the father of one of the passengers. The trip goes sideways when they drift to a dark island and both their engine and radio fail. At the same time “something” sneaks onto the yacht — the ninth passenger.”

Could the ninth passenger be an island seal with a penchant for human flesh? We eat seals, so it’s only fair they get a shot at our blubber for a change. Too bad the boat isn’t loaded with Eskimos; that’d be some epic payback.

Red Net

RED NET (2017)
“Internet hackers are looking for a missing man, but what they find are shocking videos in which a man is questioned and severely tortured by two mysterious women.”

Gonna toss this out there: They’re both his ex-wives. If so, the poor guy is beyond doomed.

Death Cars, Death Aliens, Death Snow

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Roger Corman's Death Race 2050

Have you ever been watching horror movies in your underwear and see the mail man dropping off fan mail from the IRS and go outside to retrieve said marked “URGENT!” mail, all the while forgetting you’re not wearing pants? Yeah, me neither.

Some upcoming new ones to watch in your skivvies…

ROGER CORMAN’S DEATH RACE 2050 (January 17, 2017/DVD)
“It’s the year 2050 and America is controlled by an all-powerful corporate government ruled by The Chairman. The masses have been brainwashed with violent virtual-reality entertainment. The event of the year is the Death Race, in which a motley crew of violent drivers compete in a cross-country road race, scoring points for shamelessly running people over and driving each other off the road. The reigning champion and fan favorite, Frankenstein, who’s half-man half-machine, wants to take the crown, but his rebel spy co-pilot threatens his legacy.”

Corman’s Death Race 2000 (1975) is regarded one of the most iconic campy cult films of all time and space. This one recaptures that same hyper-violent/goofy destruction derby vibe. If the movie is as good as the NSFW trailer, I think we’re talkin’ an Oscar™ nomination.

The Predator

THE PREDATOR (February 9, 2018)
This one’s a year away. A year. That’s something like 12 freakin’ months, dang it. No plot, but one can guess: The Predator shows up and kills people to death, using their head bones as bookends in his personal library. Works for me.

Get Out

GET OUT (February 24, 2017)
“When a young African-American man visits his white girlfriend’s family estate, he becomes ensnared in a more sinister real reason for the invitation. At first, Chris reads the family’s overly accommodating behavior as nervous attempts to deal with their daughter’s interracial relationship, but as the weekend progresses, a series of increasingly disturbing discoveries lead him to a truth that he could have never imagined.”

Don’t want to spoil it for you, but the “disturbing discovery” is that her parents are actually purple vampires. Shameful that people are still so racist over purple vampires.

Cold Ground

COLD GROUND (2017)
“1976: Two young journalists leave for the French-Swiss border to investigate a strange case of cattle mutilations and record testimonies for a TV channel. Yet, once they get there, the scientific team they were supposed to meet has gone missing. Escorted by a first-aider, a British biologist and an American forensic investigator, Melissa and David go looking for the missing team deep into the mountains; but their rescue mission soon turns into a fight for survival as they get caught in an avalanche. Lost in the wild and petrified by the cold, the team experiences the ruthlessness of the mountains. They realize that blizzards, frostbite and cliffs are not that bad once they find out that they are not alone in this snowy forest.”

Didn’t realize cows hung out in the snow. Grazing for snow balls doesn’t sound very gratifying. As for what else is in the woods, my guess is poisonous squirrels. Or werewolves. Probably werewolves since Hollywood doesn’t make movies about poisonous squirrels. They totally should, though.

The Hollow Child

THE HOLLOW ONES (2017)
“Samantha has lived her whole life in different foster homes. Now living in a small town, she never feels like she quite fits in, even with her own current foster family who might adopt her. So it’s natural that she doesn’t know what to do with Olivia, a curious, tag-along little sister. One day, Samantha callously ditches Olivia, who wanders off into the woods on her own and disappears.”

Olivia fell down an old well. Better call Lassie.

Evil In Real-Time

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Live Evil

We humans aren’t the only ones affected by pollution. After years of taking drugs, smoking drugs, eating drugs and overloading on McDonald’s Happy Meals™, our blood is so contaminated, even vampires won’t drink it. And when they do, they vomit all over the place. How rude.

Over the years this poor diet has led to vampire mutations, with some being able to walk around in day light as if a werewolf, others having their fanged mouths in the palm of their hands. (You DO NOT wanna give these vampires a high-five.)

Live Evil

So off four of vampires go, traveling from the blood-bereft Nevada desert to the gushing Hollywood Hills, looking for something to drink. Yep, you’ll find countless decorative ponds of untainted blood in L.A.

Hot on their trail is a whiskey-swilling old priest who carries a Samurai sword and guns. If you can’t figure out why the priest has been so hardcore about chasing down a particular vampire couple, you should stick your head in a garbage can.

Live Evil

Yeah, the movie title (Live Evil/2008) is dumb and the action is both hokey and Z-grade. But there’s lots of gooshing gore and naked nudity. Sounds like a typical day in Hollywood.