Archive for North America

The Whoosh, Demon Rental Agreement, Dracula’s Butler

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 5, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flash premiered in North America on October 7, 2014, where the pilot became the second-most watched premiere in the history of The CW, after The Vampire Diaries in 2009. Now, nine seasons later, The Flash is ending its run (heh), starting on February 8, 2023. Sorry to see it go as I’ve watched every episode since the beginning. For that, you’d think Flash would pose for a selfie with me or sign something I could sell on eBay™, but no. (Never meet your heroes.)

The Flash has gone up against some tough cookies during that time — King Shark, Captain Cold, The Thinker, Grodd, Anti-Monitor, his wife… But in order to give Flash a run for his money, the show featured over a dozen characters who could also scoot boot, including Reverse-Flash, Flashpoint Reverse-Flash, Kid Flash, Jay Garrick/Flash Earth-3, Nazi Flash, Barry Allen Earth-1, Zoom, Black Flash, Trajectory, Jesse Quick, Godspeed, Savitar, Speed Force, Velocity… Some cool names, some dumb names, and a lot of super silly costumes.

Even Flash’s wife Iris had speedster abilities for one episode. And his time-traveling future kids Bart (Kid Flash, Impulse, White Flash) and Norah (XS) inherited their dad’s ability to run to the store and back before the TV commercials were over. As a bonus, Flash and Green Arrow woke up one day with each other’s abilities. (The Flash with Green Arrow’s trademark 5 o’clock shadow looked…uncomfortable.)

So while we say goodbye to one of the better superhero TV series ever made, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you the runs…

DAWN BREAKS BEHIND THE EYES / January 8, 2023 (Shudder™)

Dieter and Margot Menliff, in an unhappy marriage, visit an old castle that Margot has just inherited. When they arrive, Dieter explores the basement, while Margot examines the rest of the castle. Dieter sees something in the cellar that causes him to drop his keys and flee. Margot has a vision in a dusty mirror.”

This one was released in Germany back in the germ-y days of 2021. Sounds really scary if something in the cellar makes you drop your keys. It’d give me flees, too.

SORRY ABOUT THE DEMON / January 19, 2023 (Shudder™)

“After being dumped by his girlfriend Amy, broken hearted Will is offered a massive house at a very low rent. What’s the catch? The restless spirit haunting the place needs a human sacrifice and the prior owners must find one or else their young daughter is toast.”

A human sacrifice in place of a damage deposit? Sounds reasonable.

FAMILY DINNER / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“An overweight teenager spends the holidays at her aunt’s farm in the hope of getting help to lose weight, but soon after her arrival, she begins to suspect that something is very wrong at this place.”

She discovers there are no Dunkin’ Donuts™ in that zip code. Horrifying.

RENFIELD / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

R.M. Renfield was an inmate at a lunatic asylum who was thought to be suffering from delusions but actually is a servant of Dracula. Renfield has been serving the bloodsucker for centuries, and now he has grown sick and tired of his role as Dracula’s lackey. The henchman finds a new lease on life and maybe even redemption when he falls for feisty, perennially angry traffic cop, Rebecca Quincy.”

Not seeing a downside to having Dracula as your employer. First, you could talk to him any time you want. You’d never have to do the dishes and can eat all the bugs you want…for free. Score!

Horror Camel, Half A Vampire, Death For Dinner

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Vampires, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 15, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Art is horror. Conversely, horror is art. At least it is on the Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com) and the Hero Complex Gallery (hgcart.com) websites, where you can buy super awesome illustrated prints of classic horror/sci-fi movies. At around $60, these 24”x36” prints are more affordable than, say, a night out at the Tug Tavern.

Illustrated by some of the best artists in this sector of the known Universe, you can purchase prints of Planet of the Apes, Let The Right One In, Scream, The Shape of Water, What We Do in the Shadows, Beetlejuice, Alien, Aliens, Starship Troopers, The Addams Family, Mad Max: Fury Road, Prometheus, and more. Okay, you MIGHT’VE been able to snag these prints, as all are quite limited and probably already snapped up. But hey, bookmark those gallery websites and get in front of the grocery line for upcoming art.

While you take down your New Kids On The Block vintage (and collectible) posters to make room for Frankenstein, Dracula and The Creature From The Black Lagoon prints, here are a few out now horror movies that may or may not be better than an evening at the Tug Tavern

BLOODLINES: THE JERSEY DEVIL CURSE / Out now (VOD)

“Something stalks the Pine Barrens of New Jersey. A demon said to inhabit the dark forests of these lands has stalked and terrified the locals for centuries, but what is the true story behind its dark origin? Said to be the thirteenth child of a witch, the Jersey Devil has long been known as one of the most popular urban legends in North America. But did you know its history stretches back thousands of years and hints at something far more terrifying than a simple ‘fairytale’? Now, uncover the roots to one of the most dramatic, and dramatically terrifying accounts of the Jersey Devil in recent memory.”

The Jersey Devil has been around for a long time, but he/she/it doesn’t have the same star power as Mothman or the Chupacabra. Probably because JD looks like a bat-winged camel with hooves of doom. Not very marketable. Time for a makeover — for starters, lose the hippie sideburns and get some new footwear.

DAMPYR / Out now (VOD)

Haunted by nightmares, Harlan Draka wanders the countryside, shamelessly making money pretending to be a Dampyr (half-human and half-vampire) ridding villages of what the villagers naively believe to be evil monsters. But when he is summoned by soldiers who are under attack by real vampires, Harlan finds out the truth: he is a Dampyr. While trying to destroy a terrible Master of the Night, he will have to learn to manage his powers and further uncover his origins.”

So you’re half vampire, half human. Does that mean you suck yourself? 

THE FEARWAY / Out now (VOD)

“A young couple traveling down the freeway seem to be unable to get off the road after being hunted by someone intent on keeping them on the road.”

Then they shouldn’t have gotten a job with Uber Eats™.

MOST HORRIBLE THINGS / Out now (VOD)

“Looking forward to a once-in-a-lifetime experience, six single Twenty-somethings find themselves Valentine’s Day guests of an enigmatic host. Each of them have been offered money and the promise of love, if only they can survive through dinner.”

How could they not survive dinner? That green bean casserole is to die for.

Giant Food, Old West Werewolves, That ’80s Critter

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mothra

In the ensuing rush to cash in on all things Godzilla and his new movie (I seemed to have forgotten the title), now comes the 1961 release of Mothra on Blu-ray™ (July 9, 2019/Mill Creek Entertainment) for the first time in North America. I have the original DVD/VHS/Betamax versions drunk purchased from eBay™/Japan, so a Blu-ray version isn’t gonna have me grabbin’ for my coin purse any time soon.

Mothra

If you haven’t seen Mothra, the world’s biggest butterfly, here’s the plottage: “Following reports of human life on Infant Island, the supposedly deserted site of atomic bomb tests, an international expedition to the heavily-radiated island discovers a native tribe and tiny twin female fairies called ‘Shobijin’ who guard a sacred egg. The overzealous expedition leader kidnaps the Shobijin to exhibit in a Tokyo stage show but soon they summon their protector, hatching the egg and releasing a giant caterpillar. When Mothra arrives in Japan and finally transforms into the ultimate beast, impervious to modern weapons, the nation and its people face their destruction.”

Mothra

The first time you see the Mothra egg wash up on the beach, try and guess how many omelets it could make. (I figured it out — it’s one. But you’ll need a frying pan about the size of a football field in which to cook it. And you’re gonna need a LOT of salt and pepper. Silverware? Screw that — just cannonball right into the middle of that gooey sucker!) 

Before we sit down to a Godzilla-sized breakfast, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a gigantic sacred egg…

High Moon

HIGH MOON (May 14, 2019)
Colt — a gunslinging werewolf slayer from the old west — mysteriously rises from the grave, only to find that the band of werewolves that brutally murdered his wife are still running rampant generations later. Aided by a beautiful widow, a skeptical town sheriff  and a corrupt Mayor, Colt must face off with the bloodthirsty creatures once again to save a sleepy southern town from destruction.”

Seems to me they should’ve gone with Wolf Cop to bring these furry fiends to justice. His opening move would be to throw Nair™ in their faces.

Critters Attack!

CRITTERS ATTACK! (July 23, 2019)
“20-year-old Drea reluctantly takes a job babysitting for a professor of a college she hopes to attend. Struggling to entertain the professor’s children Trissy and Jake, along with her own little brother Phillip, Drea takes them on a hike, unaware that mysterious alien critters have crash-landed and started devouring every living thing they encounter.”

The first Critters movie came out in 1986. And now a sequel that nobody asked for comes out 33 years later (and featuring Dee Wallace who was in the original). Just let it go, man.

A Huanting At Silver Falls 2

A HAUNTING AT SILVER FALLS 2 (2019)
“Several years after a deadly struggle with her serial killer aunt, Jordan, now in college, works to escape her troubled history. But when her aunt’s revenge-seeking specter surfaces to join forces with a deranged convict, Jordan must return to the haunted town of Silver Falls for a final showdown with the ghosts of her past.”

The first one came out in 2013. Didn’t see it. Not sure why. So in this one a ghost teams up with a deranged convict; wonder which one dresses better?

The Chair

THE CHAIR (2019)
Richard Sullivan is an innocent man struggling to escape his fate on Death Row. Witnessing the brutal torture and murder of his fellow inmates, will he find a way to survive, or will the insane events of the prison finally consume him? Everything is not what it seems, and sanity is such an easy thing to lose.”

Prison sure sounds a lot more fun than it used to. They serve pretty good mac & cheese…or so I’ve heard. If some guy with a tattoo of a gun on his face wants some of yours, you should probably share.

Godzilla’s Butt, Storm In A Box, Stuffed Terror

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shin Godzilla

If you did/didn’t see Shin Godzilla (2016), you’ll still have a gnawing urge to buy the insanely detailed  “frozen” Godzilla action model, complete with that awesome mutated tail. (Note: If you didn’t see Shin Godzilla, please unread the previous sentence as it will spoil your TV dinner.)

Shin Godzilla

Bandai™ is selling said model/action figure/occasional table guardian in July, 2018 (I don’t know when that is) and the SH MonsterArts design will set you back $132.00 U.S. bit coins, though there is no North America release date scheduled. This means you’ll have to fly to Japan, get a hotel, take a taxi to the nearest toy store, buy the model, go back to the hotel and drink up all the mini-bar beverages, and fly all the way back home and build a nightstand shrine for it. Or you can order it online. Whatev.

Shin Godzilla

While you pack your suitcase (leave room for some duty-free saki purchasable at the Narita Airport), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t rent for $132.00…

Doomsday Device

DOOMSDAY DEVICE (available now)
“Two FBI agents trying to arrest several crooks who find an ancient Japanese artifact of enormous power. Now, they must stop the crooks from delivering the stone to the criminal mastermind, who is a rich businessman.”

They don’t tell you what the “enormously powerful” stone does, but looking at the key art, it appears to control the weather. Wish I could do that. If so, I’d make it rain on everybody’s parade except mine. Now that I think of it, maybe I’ll make it purple rain. And it’ll stain like nobody’s business.

Atlantic Rim Resurrection

ATLANTIC RIM RESURRECTION (available now)
Mech-bots, with even bigger and badder weapons than their predecessors, attempt to stop bio-mechanical monsters from descending on LA. But the monsters are stronger, leaving the pilots of the mech-bots scrambling to defeat the creatures.”

Could’ve predicted this one without the help of those 1-800 psychics. Once AGAIN The Asylum is cashing in on someone else’s intellectual property to make a cheap knock-off and a quick buck. Atlantic Rim Resurrection, of course, is the sequel to Atlantic Rim (2013), which “borrowed” from Pacific Rim, and now Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), the upcoming sequel, as well. Be careful walking by Asylum’s offices; if they look out the window and see what you’re wearing, by the time you get to the end of the block, the staff will all be dressed exactly like you.

Alpha Gateway

ALPHA GATEWAY (available now)
“A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”

Um, is this not a main part of the story arc of CW’s hit TV series, The Flash? Every time Barry Allen, oops, I mean the Flash (dang — I just gave away his secret identity) travels either forward or backward in time, he messes up everyone’s chi. Also, this plot takes liberty from The Butterfly Effect (2004). But if you’ve been traveling back and forth in time, you already knew that.

Teddy Bears Are For Lovers

TEDDY BEARS ARE FOR LOVERS (2018/2019)
“During a college-wide Valentine’s Day party, a 20-something Casanova is targeted by a group of blood thirsty, adorable Teddy Bears seeking revenge for the hearts he has broken, and must confront his ex-girlfriends to break the curse.”

Bloodthirsty Teddy Bears. So this is what the bottom of the idea barrel looks like.

Lake Monsters, Killer Snowmen, Hometown Exorcisms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lake Norman Monsters

Lots of reports of fresh sightings of the Lake Norman Monster (his name is “Normie”). Located in North Carolina, Normie’s been gooning out tourists by flashing his hump lately in public. While sightings go back 50 years, some think the creature is  a giant catfish, others an actual leftover from the prehistoric era. I’m theorizing it’s a Loch Ness monster shaped log someone threw in the lake. (Okay, it was me. Are you happy?)

Lake Norman is just under 20 miles from Uptown Charlotte. I know her; she’s kind of a floozy. If you go on LakeNormanMonster.com, there isn’t much in the way of compelling photographic evidence (mostly testimonies from drunk fishermen), but a virtual roadside stand of Normie books, posters, art, T-shirts and coffee mugs. I’ll give this to North Carolina — they know how to market a the snot out of this “creature” whose “sightings” are the stuff of tourist dollar dreams.

So is there an actual lake monster living in a North American lake that people swim, fish and pee in? With no physical evidence whatsoever, all signs still point to yes. And speaking of things you might want to keep an eye out for, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV series that are more or less proven to exist…

Temple

TEMPLE (September 1, 2017)
“Three Americans on a trip to Japan are fascinated by a haunted temple, and, despite warnings from the villagers, decide to spend a night there.”

That’s Americans for you, never listening to anybody else other than the voices that come from the bottle you have a death grip on. Heck, show me a haunted temple/house/condo/dive bar and get out of my way. But know this — I won’t go all the way to Japan to party in a ghost-filled temple. Too expensive and I’d probably end up sitting next to a spirit of a coach class traveler the whole way there and back. The flick sounds fun, though it’ll probably look a LOT like one of my home movies.

The Exorcist Season 2

THE EXORCIST SEASON 2 (Friday, September 29, 2017)
“Across the Atlantic, Father Bennett attempts to weed out those within the Vatican who have turned against God. Ultimately, Tomas and Marcus are led to Andrew Kim, a former child psychologist who runs a group home for five at-risk foster children on a secluded private island off the coast of Seattle. When one of the children under Andrew’s care is targeted by a powerful force, the two priests head west, setting themselves on a collision course with Hell.”

Two things: Watched season one and was blindsided with the story’s sweet twist. Secondly, season two takes place on a private island off the coast of Seattle? Well, double sweet, as the Emerald City is where I dwell. However, I do take issue with the “private island off the coast of Seattle” part; there is no such thing. There is, though, Vashon, Bainbridge and Whidbey islands, all of which are wide open to the stinky public and are only short ferry/paddle boat rides to go stink up the place. There’s a bunch of small islands (San Juans, Camano) within seagull reach. Maybe it’s one of those damned places. Heh.

The Snowman

THE SNOWMAN (October 20, 2017)
“When an elite crime squad’s lead detective investigates the disappearance of a victim on the first snow of winter, he fears an elusive serial killer may be active again. With the help of a brilliant recruit, the cop must connect decades-old cold cases to the brutal new one if he hopes to outwit this unthinkable evil before the next snowfall.”

Total stock serial killer plot, but with one exception — Michael Fassbender is the lead detective. He was Magneto in a couple X-Men movies and the android David/Walter in Alien: Covenant (2017). Also — and this is no joke — his character’s name in this one is Harry Hole. (I can’t even type that without LOL-ing.) But it’s true. You can’t make up stuff like this. Okay, I could. But no one else.

Charismata

CHARISMATA (2017/2018)
“As a rookie detective struggling to find acceptance in a police department defined by a culture of bullying and intolerance, things go from bad to worse when the chief suspect in a series of brutal ritualistic murders takes a personal interest in her. A game of cat and mouse ensues which sees Rebecca’s grasp on reality beginning to spiral out of control, leading to a terrifying climax where she needs to fight for her sanity, her life and maybe even her soul.”

Maybe her soul? C’mon — make that part happen. No one cares about anybody’s sanity anymore as we’re all pretty much insane (except me). But when you throw a soul into the spiked punch bowl, then it’s time to grab a cup and start bailin’ like the darn thing sprung a leak. I do like the movie’s title — sounds like a freshly showered/powdered stripper or an ‘80s superheroine whose costume is nothing but stain-resistant spandex.