Archive for legend

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Unacknowledged

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

Backwood Madness

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

Marrowbone

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

The Mist

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Saturn Awards

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Saturn Awards

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

Jurassic WorldDinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

Ex Machina – Winner

Ex Machina

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

It Follows – Yes.

Krampus – Kinda.

The Visit – Sorta.

What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

What We Do In The ShadowsMade by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

Room – Didn’t see it.

Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Bone TomahawkCannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

Legend – Didn’t see it.

Turbo Kid – Seriously?

The Wave – Winner

The WaveBased on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

Terminator: Genisys – No.

Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury RoadMad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.

Prairie Werewolf

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

Prairie Dog

There’s something stalking the vast plains and valleys of Brada County and it’s not scaring the crap outta cows. That’s because the cows are too scared to go out in the fields and make valley patties.

Prairie Dog

This is the framework for Prairie Dog (2015), which has been in the release loop for some time now. Throw in some kids, a lone sheriff, a pair of sociopath criminals on the run and a mysterious beast, and you have an intriguing horror movie. At least I hope it is; the trailers are boring as cows. Nevertheless, reports keep surfacing of a large, shadowed animal roaming the farmlands of the county.

Prairie Dog is no doubt influenced by the REAL Beast of Exmoor and Dartmoor. And just in case you don’t know where Dartmoor is, it’s in South Devon in England.

Beast of Dartmoor

Some think the B of D is a large black cat (i.e., lion/cheetah/jaguar/werewolf), which is f’d up as animals such as this aren’t supposed to be in that part of the world. But then, according to Wikipedia, Dartmoor is known for its “myths and legends and is reputedly the haunt of pixies, a headless horseman, a mysterious pack of “spectral hounds,” and a large black dog, among others.”

And all this time I thought England was as boring as cows.

Medieval Predator

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Predator: Dark Ages

One of the coolest things you’ll find on the Internet besides pictures of naked bare boobies (just when you think you’ve seen ’em all, a new one pops up), is a ridiculously kick-ass fan-made film that puts the Predator in the days of the Templar Knights, those guys who wear garbage cans as helmets and stab people with swords that look cool over your fireplace.

Predator: Dark ages

Predator: Dark Ages, made after they raised enough Middle Age fun bucks, is set during the Crusades. As the press release goes, the “faith and fighting skills of a group of Templar Knights is put to the test when they encounter the Predator. Their battle is the thing myths and legends are born from.”

Predator: Dark Ages

One of the best fan films ever made, Predator: Dark Ages clocks in at nearly a half hour and the Predator doesn’t look dorky; They really put a lot of time, effort and your dollars into this –and it’s worth it. Click HERE to view. Then go put a garbage an on your head and rule the neighborhood.

Boogeyman Comes Out Of The Closet

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman

As a kid Tim saw his dad get taken by the Boogeyman when he was just old enough to be traumatized for life by the unfortunate experience. Tim’s older now and has a girlfriend who puts up with him sleeping on the floor and not having anything stored in closets – except Boogeymen. That’s not good feng-shui.

Tim’s ghost mom tells him to go back to the family home and the scene of the dad-taking. Really good idea. There Tim discovers a history of children being taken by the Boogeyman, him being one if his “protective” dad hadn’t gotten in the way.

Boogeyman

All of this is just an excuse to get Tim to go into the closet, which he does. It acts as a time portal, transporting him back and forth to his old bedroom. Why he didn’t use it to go to the store is a glaring plot hole.

Boogeyman

Solid creep-out moments, including the ghost kid victims of Boogeyman and bathtubs filled with blood instead of hot soapy bubbles and shampoo bottles. Taking it one step further, Boogeyman turns into electricity and possesses toys.

Boogeyman

Through an overly-long set-up, Tim finally grows a sac and throws a solid slobberknocker, sending Boogeyman back to the place of coats, shoe boxes filled with pictures instead of shoes, and some other junk you don’t use anymore. This paves the way for several sequels no one asked for.

Boogeyman (2005) is a sorta nice spin on a fond childhood memory, though B-man should probably stay out of that one box in my closet marked “Evidence.”