Mezoamerican Kaiju, Toilet Horror, Bowling For Demons

Leave it to Mondo™, purveyors of all things pop-culture cool, to bring to market a vinyl Aztec Godzilla figure that clearly is one of the more unique iterations of the KotMs. (Haven’t checked if anyone’s done a Barbie™ Godzilla as I don’t wanna know the answer.)

From Mondo’s™ website: “Urban Aztec (aka Jesse Hernandez) brings his signature style to his first Mondo™ soft vinyl…the King of the Monsters! The Godzilla — Vinyl Designer Figure measures in at 10” tall and debuts in its fiery Burning Variant, complete with an Urban Aztec-ized Heat Ray Blast.”

The Aztec Godzilla is pre-ordering for $150.00 (click here). This is in contrast to the ancient Aztecs whose currency was gold dust they carried inside the rachis of duck feathers, small cotton pieces named patolcuahtli, cocoa beans, small pieces of tin, and T-shaped pieces of copper known as axe-coins. Check with Mondo™ to see if they’ll take any of that cool “coin” in lieu of boring money.

So while we scream like an Aztec sacrificial offering over this action figure, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies whose rental price may or may not be worth a wallet full of cocoa beans…

KILLER BOOK CLUB (EL CLUB DE LOS LECTORES CRIMINALES) / Out now (VOD)

“Eight horror-loving friends fight for their lives when a killer clown who seems to know the grim secret they share begins to pick them off, one by one.”

I liked this better when it was called Scream (1996).

AMITYVILLE EMANUELLE / Out now (VOD)

“On a cold night in 1974, Amityville would encounter the devil himself when Ronald Defeo, Jr opened fire. Now, not even death can stop him from finishing his killing spree.”

So they’re actually using real-life murderer Ronald Defeo, Jr’s name in this YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror spin-off. Even Amityville Horror II: The Possession (1982) wouldn’t touch that with a 10-foot crucifix. 

AMITYVILLE DEATH TOILET / Out now (VOD)

“Gregg G. Allin has a semi-successful podcast exploring paranormal events. When Amityville is overrun with a spate of toilet murders leading back to the haunted house of yesteryear, Gregg wastes no time flying into town to get some answers. With Amityville’s Mayor Dump demanding answers and an end to the killings, Gregg is perplexed because this Amityville house doesn’t seem to be that scary. Looks are very deceiving, and, after a toilet in the house mutilates Sebastian the caretaker, Gregg is forced to act. What ensues is a battle like no other where Gregg is pushed to the very limits of hell and beyond in an effort to save the town…and the world.”

Gregg G. Allin is a thinly-veiled reference to late punk rock maniac “GG” Allin, whose truly unruly rock show antics included self-mutilation and taking a steamer onstage. Given this movie’s title, it all lines up.

BOWLING SATURNE (SATURN BOWLING) / Release pending 2023 (Limited theaters, VOD)

“When his father dies, Guillaume, a police officer, inherits the family bowling alley and decides to give it to his half-brother, Armand. But the gift is cursed, setting off a series of brutal murders. Both brothers find themselves drawn into a demon-filled abyss and will have to face their tainted heritage. Darkness reigns over their world where the only rules are the rules of the hunt.”

Only the French could come up with the concept of a demon-filled bowling alley. Wonder if bowling chaussures rentals are $6.66? That’d be comedy gold if they were. 

Undead Superheroes, Birthing Evil, Afterlife v.2

More from the astonishing world of AI-generated art, these being superheroes re-imagined as zombies in all their rotting righteous glory. And think of it: Superman could eat Kryptonite brains and it wouldn’t cause abdominal distress. Batman could finally be besties with Dracula since they’re both undead. Spider-Man, like his insect-y counterparts, could Saran™ wrap you in his web and feast on you later while watching TV. And Hulk could smash you and use your pulp to make a tasty omelet. (He could actually do that without being a zombie.) The possibilities are endless.

While AI superhero zombies is relatively new, they’ve actually been around since 2005 in comic book form when Marvel Comics™ published Marvel Zombies™, a limited series that ran until 2006. A marvel-ous description: “The story is set in an alternate universe where the world’s superhero population has been infected with a virus, which turned them into zombies.”

And to connect a dot or two, those stories were written by Robert Kirkman, the guy behind The Walking Dead and Fear of the Walking Dead. The cover art of the comics was done by Arthur Suydam, whose artistry includes Deadpool, Black Panther, and KISS Zombies. 

So while we all ponder the tingly ramifications of letting zombie Wonder Woman eat our faces off (closest thing we’ll ever get to tongue smooching her), here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not cause abdominal distress… 

WHEN EVIL LURKS / October 6, 2023 (Limited) October 27, 2023 (Shudder™)

“In a remote village, two brothers find a demon-infected man just about to give birth to evil itself. They decide to get rid of the man but merely succeed in helping him to deliver the inferno.”

A demon-infected man giving birth to evil. Sounds like somebody just had a Moe’s Southwest Grill Homewrecker Burrito.

DARK FACES (GUEULES NOIRES) / NOVEMBER 29, 2023 (Theaters/France) Release pending 2023/2024 US (VOD)

“1956, north of France. A band of underground miners is forced to lead a professor to take samples a thousand meters underground. After a landslide prevents them from going back up, they discover a crypt from another time, and unknowingly wake up something that should have remained asleep.”

One thousand meters down translates to 3,280.84 feet. That’s three times bigger than The Empire State Building. To dig a hole that deep must’ve taken a lot of shovels. An easier method would’ve been to dump the coffin in the Mariana Trench, which is 10,935 meters (35,876 feet) deep. That’s where I throw all my empties.

PANDEMONIUM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Nathan wakes up on the cold tarmac of an isolated mountain road, unable to remember how he got there. He’s not alone though. There is another man, Daniel, a cyclist, who is full of wild stories — stories about death, stories about horrific accidents — all of which are unsettling, but only the start of Nathan’s troubles. It soon becomes clear that he has no other choice but to continue his journey by stepping through the mysterious door that suddenly appears in front of them, as if out of nowhere. Some of the souls he finds littered along the way are too far gone, their stories too monstrous to suggest there’s any going back for them. The question is, is Nathan one of them, or has it all been a big mistake like he seems to think?”

To clean that up, this one is a French horror film about two men pondering their fates after a lethal traffic accident leaves them both dead. So, did they get flattened by baguette-delivery guy on a excès de vitesse vélo? 

REVIVAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two robbers on the run end up in the clutches of a doctor who experiments on people to navigate the afterlife. What seems to be an innocuous foray into a scientific and existential revolution for humanity soon takes a turn for the worse.”

For those unclear, the afterlife is the rolling credits after your sitcom of an existence is over.

Manufactured Monsters, Splatter University, Follow The Bleeder

Fascinating to watch how AI is changing the literal landscape of art, literature, music and cold and refreshing adult beverages. AI’s ability to create photo-realistic images is quite the technological achievement. Take these “photos” of monster-sized monsters set in a historical framework. Pretty cool and pretty convincing. But are these the result of AI or someone with some serious Photoshop skillz?

I tried replicating a couple of these images with AI, but learning how to effectively use an AI program like Midjourney is a skill unto its own. (All my results kept showing up with a giant bottle/can of beer instead of mythical creatures. Beer is a kind of mythical creature when you think about it.) Then I tried it using Photoshop. Same results. It’s like the needle is stuck on the discount bin record album that is my mind. 

You can find these images and more on Pinterest™. I’ll post my beer monsters there soon. So while we all crack a mythical beer and virtually drink it, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not need AI, me or beer to make ’em better…

LORE / Out now (VOD)

“On a weekend trip to Scotland, four ‘scare’ loving friends book a ghostly horror-themed camping excursion. That night around the campfire, Darwin, their strange and creepy guide, encourages them to tell the most twisted stories they fear and burn a totem that will help feed the evil that lives there. Tales of sinister spirits, demons lurking in the shadows and the truest forms of malevolence emerge. Little do the friends know that the stories they relate to will have major consequences for them all. Some of the most unbelievable stories might be based on fact and should never be told.”

So tell a horror story and that horror manifests itself? All I need to do is drink beer for that to happen. Geez, I have a one-track mind these days.

GEN V / September 29, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Set in the diabolical world of The Boys, Gen V expands the universe to Godolkin University, the prestigious superhero-only college where students train to be the next generation of heroes — preferably with lucrative endorsements. Beyond the typical college chaos of finding oneself and partying, these kids are facing explosive situations…literally. As the students vie for popularity and good grades, it’s clear that the stakes are much higher when super powers are involved. When the group of young supes discover that something bigger and sinister is going on at school, they’re put to the test: will they be the heroes or the villains of their stories?”

If this thing is 1/10th as good as The Boys, it’ll blow your face off, which is exactly what they do in The Boys. Fun fact: Gen V stars two Chilling Adventures of Sabrina alumni — Jaz Sinclair (Rosalind Walker) and Chance Perdomo (Ambrose Spellman). Too bad they didn’t recruit Sabrina herself. With those cute, witch-y powers she could easily blow people’s faces right off.

SOCIETY OF THE SNOW / Release pending 2023 (Netflix™)

“In 1972, Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571, which had been chartered to fly a rugby team to Chile, crashed in the heart of the Andes. Only 29 of its 45 passengers survived the accident. Trapped in one of the most hostile and inaccessible environments on the planet, they have to resort to extreme measures to stay alive.”

This is a true and famous horror event. And the extreme measures the survivors took to stay alive? Cannibalism ala mode.

PIPER / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Émigré Liz moves to a quaint German town with her daughter Amy but ends up in the Piper’s crosshairs when it is revealed she’s hiding a dark secret from her past that puts Amy’s life in jeopardy. The girl’s only hope for salvation comes when she falls for a young and mysterious street magician, Luca. Can he save her from the Piper’s clutches?”

I should be in this movie as I’m totally susceptible to the command of the Pied Piper, which in my case is the summoning call of the Budweiser™ delivery truck: Beep! Beep! Beep!

13 TV Ghosts, Stink Fog, Murder Priest

Thir13en Ghosts, featuring a baker’s dozen of seriously nasty ass ghosts imprisoned in an inherited glass puzzle house, came out in 2001. It was a remake of 1960’s 13 Ghosts, which had a neato gimmick: a family inherits a haunted house, and a special pair of goggles allows them to see the polter-pests. When you saw it in a movie theater, they handed out special cardboard glasses with red and blue cellophane so you could see the ghosts as well. This filming technique was called, Illusion-O. Beer works in much the same fashion.

Now, over six decades later, we MIGHT be getting 13 Ghosts: The Series. This project has yet to be greenlit as of this word barfing, but here’s what’s being proposed: “Patrick Mediate (Primordial Pictures) and Aaron McLane (SFX Supervisor, Fear the Walking Dead) have shared an exclusive update with Dread Central announcing their partnership with Dark Castle Entertainment to develop and pitch a 13 Ghosts television series to Sony Pictures Television™.”

Says Mediate and McLane, “Every culture in the world has its ghost stories, and this re-imagining of 13 Ghosts presents an international sampling of these supernatural tales. The ghost stories within each episode will have their own stylistic look and feel that will be explored and influenced by each individual director. This makes our ghost vignettes stand out stylistically as they set the theme for each episode.”

Praying to Budweiser™ this one happens as Thir13en Ghosts sported some of the most brutal specters ever committed to film. So while we all hope Sony Pictures Television™ don’t bust these ghosts, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not look better filmed in Illusion-O…

PSYCHO: THE LOST TAPES OF ED GEIN / September 17, 2023 (MGM+™)

“For years, filmmakers, journalists, and scholars have tried to unravel the mind of this notorious killer. And with new reveals and never-before-heard recordings, viewers will be transported to late-1950s Middle America and submerged in Gein’s perverse mind. The series explores Gein’s upbringing and twisted relationship with his mother (which famously inspired Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho), his early grave robbing, the murders leading up to his arrest, and the police’s discovery of his terrifying house of horrors — all accompanied by the brand-new revelations revealed in the recordings.”

There are 13 horror movies inspired by Ed Gein. And before you go look ’em up, just know that Barbie (2023) isn’t one of ’em.

FOG CITY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of friends seal themselves inside a secluded Cape Cod vacation home after a mysterious orange fog leaks from an old nearby factory. Once trapped, they quickly learn there is no escape.”

I liked this better when it was called The Beach House (2019).

THE REV / October 2, 2023 (Icon Film Channel ), January 8, 2024 (VOD)

In 1985, Detective Inspector Gwyn Roberts was sent to a quiet Welsh seaside town to investigate an unusually threatening and vile anonymous letter, leading him to the home of a seemingly mild-mannered clergyman, the Reverend Emyr Owen. What the police found in the unassuming house was shocking: dozens of naughty magazines and books on black magic, humans devouring humans and surgery. But the most vital discovery of all was a series of photographs from which one thing became clear: the reverend was guilty of abusing and mutilating human bodies awaiting burial. To this day, with no similar offence ever recorded in legal history, it remains one of Britain’s most infamous criminal sprees.”

The had me at naughty magazines.

REBEL MOON / December 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“When a peaceful colony on the edge of a galaxy finds itself threatened by the armies of a tyrannical ruling force, a mysterious stranger living among its villagers becomes their best hope for survival.”

And that mysterious stranger who gives everyone hope is…SPACE BATMAN!

Skull Dishes, Cannibal Snacks, Clown Graveyard,

In the good ’ol days, Viking marauders would conquer their enemies and turn their skulls into soup bowls (with a bay leaf added for zing). And they never stuck it in the dishwasher when they were done with their victory bisque as there was always another fresh head just a pillage away.

Now you can get head dishware for all your post-battle needs. Leyact.com is selling the Human Skull Bowl, which can be used to put flowers or candy or symbolic noodles in. From the product description: “Whenever there is a party, your boring ceramic rice bowl is a little boring! Get into the party mood with the Human Skull Bowl. The hyper-realistic human skull bowl is handcrafted by the Catacomb Culture, that focuses on making handmade products of home decoration inspired by macabre style and ancient catacombs, say, oddity decor, bone candles and lamp, mounted macabre, etc. The shop owner says that each skull bowl is uniquely customized by hand as request.”

The Human Skull Bowl is sale-priced at $27.99 — down from $55.98, so buying this is a no-brainer. Heh. While we click this to get the Human Skull Bowl and load it up with Raisin Brain, uh, Bran, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be food for thought…

GNAW / Out now (VOD)

“A holiday in the countryside that turns into a nightmare for a group of quarrelsome couples after discovering their rented isolated cottage is owned by a family of flesh-eating cannibals — and they are on the menu.”

The ad poster for his British homage to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre gives new meaning to the term finger sandwiches.

LAIR OF THE KILLER CLOWNS / Out now (YouTube™)

“A paranormal researcher discovers a hellish no-man’s-land in a remote forgotten desert landscape where evil clowns await in an otherworldly purgatory to face their fate as payback for their evil deeds.”

Evil or not, clowns are fun, what with their rubber noses, oversized novelty shoes, glow-in-the-dark wigs and their hilarious squirting lapel flowers. Man, those things crack me up.

FACELESS AFTER DARK / Out now (VOD)

Following her breakout success in a killer clown horror flick, Bowie finds herself held hostage by an unhinged fan determined to recreate the film’s fatal plot.”

I liked this better when it was called Misery (1990).

FALLING STARS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“It’s the night of the first harvest in the American West, which means harmless traditional rituals are performed to placate witches in the sky. For three brothers, this year’s event will be different. When they discover their friend has killed and buried a witch, they venture out into the desert to see it for themselves. Encountering the scene they accidentally desecrate the body, setting in motion a sequence of perilous events. The only way they can put a stop to the curse set upon their family is to burn the corpse before sunrise.”

Desecrating a witch corpse. Isn’t that a Candlemass song?

Zilla Attire, Alien Love, Witch Hunter Converts

I own 93 black shirts (not exaggerating), and not one of ‘em has buttons. I do, though, have a shirt with buttons printed on it. You know, in case I need to dress up. But I may have to rethink my position on pretentious clothing as Rsvlts.com just came out with a line of short-sleeve button-up Godzilla shirts. I could adorn myself with one then go to Denny’s™ for a fancy fork and knife dinner.

There are seven Godzilla shirts available for $70 each. According to my pocket calculator, that comes to $490 before tax and shipping. And each has a name: “From The Depths”, “Kaiju Chaos” (Men and Women’s versions), “King of the Monsters”, “Monsters Unleashed” (Men and Women’s versions) and “Silver Screen Scorcher”, which has actual scorch marks on it. I feel that’s pretty cool.

While you check your bank balance and then click this to get one or more of these fashion statements, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as good as a Denny’s™ fork and knife dinner… 

LANDSCAPE WITH INVISIBLE HAND / Out now (Theaters)

Years into a benevolent alien occupation of Earth, the human race is still adjusting to the new world order and its quirky coffee table-sized overlords called the Vuvv. Their flashy advanced technology initially held promise for global prosperity, but rendered most human jobs — and steady income — obsolete. When 17-year-old artist Adam Campbell and new girlfriend Chloe Marsh discover the Vuvv are particularly fascinated with human love and will pay for access to it, they decide to livestream their budding romance to make extra cash for themselves and their families. Life is good, for a while, until the flame of their teenage love fizzles out and they’re forced to make very different, absurdly life-altering sacrifices for their families.”

So the Vuvv are fascinated with human love and are willing pay for access to it. A lot of guys do.

THE SUDBURY DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the late 17th century, two Puritan witch hunters travel to a small Massachusetts town investigating rumors of devil worship, and are irrevocably transformed by the ungodly forces they encounter.”

Transformed by the ungodly forces they encounter. They should retitle it to The Sudsbury Devil as it sounds like Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern.

EVERYBODY DIES BY THE END / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A documentary crew is hired by larger-than-life horror director Alfred Costella to chronicle him as he finishes his final film, an all-practical masterpiece with some dark twists.”

A movie selfie. That’s new.

THE WEIRD KIDZ / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When three pre-teen boys and an older brother and his girlfriend take off for a weekend camp out, none of them could imagine the horrors (and laughs) awaiting them in a remote desert inhabited by a legendary night creature and crazed townsfolk. Puberty and adventure await, along with terror, amputations and midnight cult rituals!”

This one is a cartoon movie, written and single-handedly animated by Zach Passero. He spent eight years doing it. I can relate — been doing this blog since 2010. One of us is batsh*t stupid.

Huluween, Haunted Vacant Lot, A Maze-ing Horror

Hulu™, the paid subscription TV/movies streaming giant, is the only place you’ll be able to watch (or “view”) season three of FX’s™ American Horror Stories. The four episodes is called American Horror Stories: Four Episode Huluween Event and premiers October 26, 2023, hot on the heels of the American Horror Story: Delicate (Season 12), which happens on September 20, 2023. I refuse to give Hulu™ any more of my hard earned fun coupons, so I’ll have to come over to your house to watch it. And would it kill you to have some snacks laid out? Geez.

Neither FX™ or Hulu™ are divulging any details at this time and space. That’s a total dick maneuver. But for those not knowing a thing about American Horror Stories, here’s the scoop: “American Horror Stories is an American anthology horror television series created by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk for FX™ on Hulu™. Premiered on July 15, 2021, the series serves as a direct spin-off/companion series to American Horror Story, and the third installment in the American Story media franchise. Contrasted by American Horror Story, which tells a different story throughout each season, Stories tells a different story in each individual episode (excepting the first two episodes of the series, which were a single two-part story).” P.S. I totally copied that off the World Wide Web.

So while we all see which of our friends will share their Hulu™ password, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be a total dick maneuver…

10/31 PART III / September 29, 2023 (VOD)

“From monsters to madmen, this anthology will deliver the gore and so much more.”

Sounds like lyrics to a heavy metal love song.

THE MOOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Claire was just a child when her best friend was abducted and murdered. Twenty five years later, Bill, the dead boy’s father, has a plan to learn the truth about what really happened. With the help of psychic Eleanor they venture deep into a haunted moor where something dark and evil stirs at their presence.”

His kid’s been dead for 25 years and dad is just now getting around to finding out how the boy died? Don’t expect to be getting any Father of the Year awards any time soon, pal.

PUZZLE BOX / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Kait, a desperate addict, heads to a remote house in the woods for self-rehabilitation, with her younger sister Olivia documenting the process. Unbeknown to them, the house hides a dark secret, its walls morphing into a nightmarish maze, trapping them in a bewildering puzzle. As they navigate each twist, they awaken an evil far more horrifying than their personal demons. Racing against time to solve the mystery and escape, they face a terror where every step might be their last. Fear takes on new forms in a relentless nightmare that could lead to their terrifying end.”

Pretty much all mazes can be solved by “the right hand rule”: Put your CLEAN right hand on a wall when entering a maze and follow the wall until you get to the end. I do this all the time when trying to find the bathroom in the dark. Now if I could just devise a method for finding the light switch…

THE 100 CANDLES GAME: THE LAST POSSESSION / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A group of influencers decides to play a paranormal game in the mysterious Stonewall Mansion. To do this, they form a circle with a hundred lit candles and begin to narrate horror stories live for their social networks, without knowing that this place hides a dark past. They have awakened something evil. The youngsters will have to continue the game until the end if they want to survive.”

YET ANOTHER social media horror movie. Let’s hope the awakened evil deletes them all.

Monster Legacy, Pesky Ghosts, Man Frog

Apple TV+™ has announced the title/plot of their upcoming Godzilla live action series. It’s being called Monarch: Legacy of Monsters and set in the same universe as Godzilla (2014), Kong: Skull Island (2017), Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019), Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), and the forthcoming Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. I approve that message.

Here’s how Monarch: Legacy of Monsters is going down: “Spanning three generations, the series following the thunderous battle between Godzilla and the Titans that leveled San Francisco and tracks two siblings following in their father’s footsteps to uncover their family’s connection to the secretive organization known as Monarch. Clues lead them into the world of monsters and ultimately down the rabbit hole to Army officer Lee Shaw (played by Kurt Russell and Wyatt Russell), taking place in the 1950s and half a century later where Monarch is threatened by what Shaw knows.”

Godzilla, monsters AND Snake Plissken? (For those who live in a different multiverse, the total badass tough guy Snake Plissken was played by Kurt Russell in Escape From New York back in 1981. Godzilla’s gonna have his claws full dealing with Sir Plissken.)

So while we all IMPATIENTLY wait for Apple TV+™ to post the trailer/series premier date, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not ever be as cool as Godzilla and/or Snake Plissken…

BACK HOME / September 14, 2023 (VOD/Hong Kong)

“Heung Wing has been sensitive to paranormal activity and keeps seeing ghosts since he was a kid, which is called having ‘Yin Yang’ eyes. To avoid being bothered by the ghosts, he pretends to be ignorant even though he knew of their existence. When he gets older, he escapes from Hong Kong to Canada because of his miserable childhood. One day, Heung Wing has been told that his mother is in a coma having tried to take her life, which forces him to return back to Hong Kong. When he goes back to the old home, everything looks strange and unfamiliar to him. What’s more horrifying is a series of suicide cases happen in his neighborhood and ghosts start to appear in front of him again. The situation is deteriorating beyond his imagination.”

I liked this better when it was called The Sixth Sense (1999).

MINORE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Greek seaside port is invaded by mysterious tentacled creatures from the ocean floor. It’s up to a small gang of misfits made up of musicians, a sailor, a bodybuilder, and one granny to save the city from this Lovecraftian terror from the deep.”

I liked this better when it was called Grabbers (2012).

WOMAN IN THE MAZE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

A young woman rents a house in America’s largest ghost town, Jerome, Arizona for a business trip, but soon discovers that the house is cursed and traps any woman who enters it. The house transforms into a maze, making it impossible for the woman to escape. Will she be able to break the curse and escape the maze before it’s too late? Or will she become the next victim of the cursed house?”

Sounds like a mash-y combination of Channel Zero: No-End House (2017) and Cube (1997). Those two should open an Airbnb™.

FROGMAN / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Loveland, Ohio — home of the Frogman. In the summer of 1999, a 12-year-old named Dallas Kyle captured footage of the mythical creature, but no one believed it was real. Twenty years later, Dallas, now an amateur filmmaker struggling to turn his passion into a career, returns to Loveland with friends Amy and Scotty determined to obtain irrefutable proof that the Frogman exists. But what starts as an innocent documentary soon turns into a Lovecraftian nightmare as Dallas uncovers the horrific secrets hidden beneath Loveland’s idyllic surface. Can Frogman read minds? Does he really have a wand? Does Frogman f*ck? One thing is certain — the croaks are no hoax!”

Loveland, Ohio’s Loveland Frogman (aka, Loveland Lizard) is a cryptid humanoid frog standing four-feet tall. It’s legend became a t-shirt in 1972 after a Loveland police officer reported he had seen an animal consistent with descriptions of the frogman. No word whether or not the officer had been drinking chilled (and refreshing) bottles of Bad Frog Beer™ prior to the incident.

American Horror Sex, Multiple Megs, Toxic Superhero

American Horror Story: Delicate Part One, premiering its 12th season on September 20, 2023, is arguably the best horror/horrific rom-com TV series to ever grace our flattened screens. Synthesizing ghosts, vampires, circus freaks, aliens, drugs, booze, zombies, the apocalypse, witches, serial killers and more into a Happy Hour pitcher of blurred-lined every-orifice sex between every sexual orientation, religion gone wild, diving board enhanced swimming pools of blood, gore and all around graphic kinkified naughtiness, AHS can at times be tough to watch, but impossible to ignore. 

American Horror Story: Delicate Part One is simply described as “a feminist update of Rosemary’s Baby.” If you haven’t heard of, or have seen, Rosemary’s Baby, it came out in 1968 and is based on a novel that has a young knocked up Manhattan housewife suspecting her elderly neighbors ar part of Satanic cult and are planning to use her upcoming womb rat for their uptown rituals. But what’s gonna give AHS 12 a pointier edge is that every episode is being written and showrun by a single writer: Halley Feiffer, best known for her play A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Gynecologic Oncology Unit at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center of New York City. I’m visibly shocked you haven’t heard of it.

So while we all wait to see what new depraved horror heights AHS: Delicate takes us (and it will), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not contain every orifice sex…

MEGALODON: THE FRENZY / August 18, 2023 (VOD), August 25, 2023 (Limited Theaters)

“When a frenzy of five Megalodons torment the open ocean, the stakes have never been higher.”

One again, Asylum Studios™ ambulance chasing YET ANOTHER hit movie. The ONLY good thing about the craptacular crap they put out is their movie posters. Seems like they spend more money on those than the movies themselves.

THE ENTITY / AUGUST 22, 2023 (VOD)

“A family is haunted by what appears to be the ghost of their youngest daughter. Now they must try to figure out why she is trying to communicate with them and if it’s really her.”

Not to be confused with The Entity that came out in 1982. That one had a ghost in it, too. But it was about a horny haunter imposing non-consensual horizontal dating with a woman who already had a lot of trauma before this ugliness. The ghost should have to pay for her therapy bills. And then go to jail.

DEMONIC TOYS: JACK-ATTACK / August 25, 2023 (Full Moon Features™)

“The malevolent jack-in-the-box is up to his usual evil tricks as he enters the life of a young, mute orphan girl in this scary, gory horror head-trip.”

More puppet horror. And with retreaded movies like this, like Full Moon’s puppets, somebody’s yankin’ yer chain. 

THE TOXIC AVENGER / September 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Downtrodden janitor Winston Gooze who, after falling into a vat of toxic waste, becomes none other than The Toxic Avenger. This timely re-imagining is up to its eyeballs in environmental themes as Winston goes up against the evil forces of greed and corruption to save his son, his friends, and his community.”

The original Toxic Avenger came out in 1984 and is self-referred to as a “superhero black comedy splatter film.” This one isn’t exactly a reboot, but smells the same. Hope it isn’t a toxic waste of time. Heh.

Naked Ghosts, Bathroom Sharks, Werewolf Hair Care

Happened across an online petition to stop ghosts from wearing clothes. It’s called Stop Ghosts From Wearing Clothes. And the point of their argument is that “it’s a complete joke to assume any clothing material would assume any spiritual nature simply because the person who happened to be wearing it should cease to exist in any physical form.” They go on to point out that “any civilized ghost would choose to reappear in the form in which they first took residence on Earth — naked.” Naked ghosts. Makes sense when you think about it. 

The Stop Ghosts From Wearing Clothes manifesto: “Ghosts have always traditionally been portrayed as both dead, and fully clothed in the attire in which they escaped their mortal coils. No matter what your views on any form of afterlife, only a complete moron who had spent too long investigating spirits of a more ‘bottled’ nature could ever believe that the clothes the deceased was wearing at the time of their demise would also somehow become ghostified.” And the punchline: “We, the undersigned, call for an end to ghosts wearing clothes, not learning to adopt the accents and mannerisms of their current environments, and hardly ever being disabled or of mixed race origin.”

While you decide where you stand — or sit — on this divisive issue, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require pants while watching ’em…

BATH TUB SHARK ATTACK / Out now (VOD)

“A young down-on-their-luck couple settle for a cheap apartment that seems too good to be true. Little do they know, something lurks in the drain of the bathtub. Something that’s thousands of years old. And it is hungry.”

Usually it’s the toilet.

OLDER GODS / Out now (VOD)

“A cosmic horror film of Lovecraftian proportions that follows a man’s descent into madness as he tries to investigate an apocalyptic cult that caused the death of his friend.”

Being in an apocalyptic cult doesn’t seem like a good business model. Every day would be a going-out-of-business sale.

HOME FOR RENT / US Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Ning and Kwin are a couple with a seven-year-old daughter, Ing. They move to a condo room and rent out their house to two tenants: Ratree, a retired doctor, and her forty-year-old daughter, Nuch. After the new tenants have moved in, Ning notices that Kwin begins to exhibit unusual behavior. He becomes secretive and often disappears from the condo at 4 a.m. Kwin even sports a triangle-shaped tattoo, the same design as Nuch’s. As her husband’s behavior becomes more and more disturbing, Ning also realizes that her daughter is being preyed on by some unseen sinister force. She has to do everything to protect her daughter from this dark cult.”

This is a Thailand horror movie. Nice to know condos in other countries also have sinister forces. But here in the States, we refer to them as HOAs.

IT BE AN EVIL MOON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A disgraced scientist develops a hair growth formula derived from pickled wolfsbane and his transformation from a shy genius into a mindless, flesh-eating werewolf.”

You mean I don’t need to be chomped on by a werewolf to become one when all I have to do is order some pickled wolfsbane from Instacart.com? Why am I just hearing about this now? Better order two jars, just to be safe.