Sci-Fi Sheet Music, Halloween Pirates, Heavenly Darkness

Ever wanted to hear what the sound an alien spaceship makes — from the inside? Curious about the pitch of wormhole-ing Stargate? Or how about the gurgling resonance emanating from either end of an extraterrestrial lifeform? Thanks to YouTube™ — The Rent-A-Center™ Window to the Universe — now you can.

There are literal hundreds chill out/sleep assisting/relax in your pants “videos” on YouTube™, the most being New Age stuff to put you in a deep meditative (drunk, not not quite passed out) state. They use flutes, sounds of nature (man, I was I could put a fart noise here), trickling streams, rain, soft wind, synthesizers that sound like unpaid orchestra musicians… 

These “videos” guarantee to take the wrinkles out of your chi, disconnect the brain in order to get in a decent wet dream, and/or turn your tension into cotton candy. And for the most part, they work. But some of the cooler ones are those that imagine what sounds come from derelict UFOs, abandoned space insect hives and extraterrestrial weather reports — usually for hours on end. Ever wanted to hear an alien play a lute? You’re just a click away.

Put an iPad™ (or whatever future waffle iron you prefer) on your nightstand. Pull up YouTube™ and type in search words like “space ambient”, “cosmic relaxation”, “Berlin school style chill out”, or “ethereal happy slide” — and let yourself drift off to de-stressing sounds of the Multiverse.

While you prepare to take a nap among the stars, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you fall asleep — or give you a wet dream…

ESTHER / Out now (YouTube™)

“Katy has moved back to her childhood home only to find that her nightly sleep is disrupted by a faulty smoke alarm. She soon learns that the faulty alarm is the least of her worries as her imaginary friend Esther has come back to play.”

Faulty smoke alarms are way scarier than imaginary friends. Test smoke alarms every month by pressing their test buttons. If your alarms use regular batteries, swap in fresh batteries at least once a year. A “chirping” sound means that it’s time to change batteries. Do these things then go back to playing with your ghost friend, who probably died from smoke inhalation.

KILLED ON ARRIVAL / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Nine people decide to take part in an exclusive V.I.P. Halloween camping adventure. A ‘once in a lifetime’ experience, they all think will be the time of their lives. This Kamp of Antietam has a checkered past full of pirate executions, satanic cults and a fair share of missing people. Will our campers make it through the Creekside Manor of horrors or will they just be another rabble of victims…KILLED ON ARRIVAL?”

I vaguely recall hearing about this one back in 2020. Then again, I vaguely recall 2020. Regardless, I’m curious to see how they integrate pirate executions into what should’ve been a super fun, LAND-BASED Halloween camping adventure.

THE NOMAD / Out now (Digital, VOD)

“When a reporter filming a story about a serial killer targeting the city’s priests comes face to face with the killer, she must choose between turning him in and finishing the story…or directing him towards her abusive father and finishing her own.”

Well played. Work smarter, not harder.

INTO THE ABYSS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“They came from Heaven, installing perpetual night, creating a deluge that would change humanity forever. Bannon is trapped in the middle of a city isolated and covered by a black and rainy sky, which epitomizes the end and decay of the old world. Seeking to leave the condemned area, he will realize that his very existence drags the vestiges of that world and must be put to the test or perish in the Abyss.”

Kinda sounds like a set-up to a joke: “How many celestial entities does it take to change a light bulb?” Insert your punch line here.

Godzilla — King of All Media, Kids vs. Aliens, British Heaven/English Hell

Even if you’ve only occasionally clicked in and out of this nearly 10-year-old blog-blog, a cursory glance will tell you I’m a freak for all things Godzilla. (And sweet, sweet beer.) So it won’t come as a surprise I’m tagging EVEN more Godzilla stuff on the eve of the worldwide premier of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019).

This G-shout out is  for The Art of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (by Abbie Bernstein), a $25.00 and change (Amazon Prime™) hardcover book showcasing the conception art the new movie built itself on. It isn’t available for purchase until a few days after the movie comes out, so you’ll just have to deal with your pee shivers a bit longer.

Here’s what you can expect for the money: “An in-depth, behind-the-scenes look at the epic movie from Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. Pictures. Packed with beautiful concept art, on-set photography, and detailed insight from key members of the production, this beautiful book tells the story of how Godzilla and his foes were brought to life.”

To while away the time before the movie/book comes out, here are a few now streaming/upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy TV series that may or may not give you the pee shivers…

RIM OF THE WORLD (available now/Netflix™)
“Summer camp has barely begun when aliens suddenly invade the planet. In a campground once teeming with people, four misfit teens are unexpectedly entrusted with a key that carries the secret to stopping the invasion. Without any adults or electronics to help guide the way, it’s clear what they must do: band together, conquer their fears and save the world.”

As much as it’s obvious they’re cashing in on preteens going up against sci-fi odds (Stranger Things, y’all), this one actually works. Watch the first episode and see if it doesn’t suck you in like it was your very first beer.

ABYSS (available now/Netflix™)
“Two people are brought back to life with the help of a soul-reviving marble called ‘Abyss.’ Go Se-yeon is a strikingly beautiful prosecutor who is reincarnated as a lawyer with an ordinary look. Cha Min is a smart, rich yet unattractive businessman who is reborn with the most handsome face ever. As the story unfolds, Go and Cha encounter a series of twists and turns while trying to get to the bottom of their own deaths and revival.”

A Korean fantasy/horror/drama/comedy TV series. That works. What doesn’t: sub-titles, which are like karaoke TV lyrics for the talent-deprived.

GOOD OMENS (May 31, 2019/Amazon Prime™)
“Aziraphale and Crowley, of Heaven and Hell respectively, have grown rather fond of the Earth. So it’s terrible news that it’s about to end. The armies of Good and Evil are amassing. The Four Horsemen are ready to ride. Everything is going according to the Divine Plan…except that someone seems to have misplaced the Antichrist. Can our heroes find him and stop Armageddon before it’s too late?”

A British apocalyptic comedy, which means it’s gonna be loaded with sharp, dry humor and people who talk like the Beatles. Put this at the top of your queue — whatever that is.

STAR TREK: PICARD (CBS All Access/2019)
“Star Trek: Picard features Sir Patrick Stewart reprising his iconic role as Jean-Luc Picard, which he played for seven seasons on Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987 — 1994). The new series will follow this iconic character into the next chapter of his life.

Gotta hand it to the franchise — they keep coming up with new ways to milk that lucrative space cow. It’s kinda weird watching the teaser trailer; Sir Patrick Stewart looks exactly the same as he did 32 years ago — and I thought he looked old then! As good as he was in Star Trek, I’m partial to his older X-Men character, Professor X (aka, Professor Charles Xavier). His future wheelchair is way cooler than my car. Probably gets better mileage, too.