Archive for Britain

Demon Anniversary, Serial Killing Exorcist, Apocalypse Right Now

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beetlejuice

Hard to believe it’s been 30 years since Beetlejuice (1988),  the timeless cult comedy horror/fantasy classic, made everyone LOL long before the term was ever invented.

Beetlejuice

To balloon-less commemorate, Beetlejuice is back in theaters for a limited run, and Warner Bros. issued this awesome key art to entice you into buying a ticket. Count me in. And for those of you who haven’t seen it, here’s a little something from the press release: “Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis play a recently-deceased husband and wife who commission a bizarre demon (Michael Keaton) to drive an obnoxious family out of their home. Winona Ryder plays their daughter Lydia.”

Beetlejuice

While you’re printing out a movie ticket from Fandango.com (I’ve actually never done that), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be around in 30 years…

Boo!

BOO! (2018)
“A torn suburban family refuses to heed the warning of an innocent prank left upon them, which causes the unknown supernatural force to wreak havoc.”

Really wish they had come up with a better title than Boo! It’s been used several times before — once in 2005 and more recently with Tyler Perry’s Boo! A Madea Halloween/Tyler Perry’s Boo! II: A Madea Halloween (2016 and 2017). Sure hope the new Boo! is better than all of the above. Shouldn’t be too hard.

Peripheral

PERIPHERAL (2018)
Bobbi Johnson is a young literary sensation facing her difficult second novel. Already dealing with a crazed stalker and her junkie ex-boyfriend, Bobbi is convinced by her publisher to use new smart editing software and finds herself going head-to-head with an artificial intelligence determined to write her book for her. As the machine manipulates her work to suit its own nefarious ends, Bobbi begins to realize that she is being controlled in ways far more sinister than she suspected. She may, in fact, be a pawn in a conspiracy of social mind control. Too far down the rabbit hole to turn back, Bobbi must keep writing, fighting her own addictions and hallucinations as she rushes to beat her deadline without selling her soul in the process and becoming a cog in a monstrous machine.”

Machines can do just about anything these days. Now if I could only find one to go to the bathroom for me so I don’t ever have to leave the couch…

Our Evil

OUR EVIL (aka, Mal Nosso/2018)
“Set in the seedy underbelly of São Paulo, Brazil, an exorcist uses the dark web to employ a serial killer to protect his daughter from demonic possession.”

Not much of an exorcist if he can’t even protect his own daughter from from being demonized. Then again, serial killers do seem to have somewhat efficient job skills.

Good Omens

GOOD OMENS (2019)
“A dark, comedic story set in modern day Britain centers on the stoic and sensible angel, Aziraphale and the suave man-about-town demon, Crowley as they join forces to prevent the coming of the Apocalypse. Why? Because they’ve grown to love the little idiosyncrasies of the human experience.”

Why is everybody always trying to stop the Apocalypse? I say roll the dice and let it play out. Couldn’t be much worse than what we have now.

A London Werewolf in London

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wolfman

“Lawrence, you’ve been a very bad boy…” 

The understatement of the century. And it accurately frames the 2010 re-boot of Universal’s least-groomed monster, The Wolfman.

The Wolfman

After tearing up the 1891 countryside and all of its inhabitants like sale-priced steak tartar, Lawrence Talbot, actor and marauding werewolf, should probably be sent to his room. Or the dungeon, at the very least. And the drag of it is, it’s not Larry’s fault. He was only in town to attend his brother’s funeral and to find out who — or what — killed him. The Wolfman

The locals think he was dispatched by the dancing bear the gypsies keep tied up at their camp out in the werewolf-infested woods. (In all fairness, the clues do point to a criminal bear, dance floor skills notwithstanding.) During a full moon raid on the camp, the police are overwhelmed by something whizzing by and opening the Christmas presents that are human torsos, limbs, and heads. Larry pursues, only to be mortally wounded by the beast. Whew — the bear finally has a corroborated alibi!

The Wolfman

Larry’s healing powers are remarkable. Sir John, his dad, encourages Larry to let the “inner beast run wild.” (In those days, that meant eating people, not zooming around without underwear.) After a particularly robust night out on the moors removing heads, arms, and those icky wiggly organs, the cops show up the next day and arrest Larry, taking him to Lamberth Mental Care Health Facility (“asylum” for short), where he was once interred as a kid for treatment for social problems after seeing his mother die before his eyes. Yes, this is a clue to his current status.

The Wolfman

Larry the Wolf gets loose in London and has a few hours to kill before calling it a night. He doesn’t waste time wasting people; you’d think there was a raw meat parade in town by the way he chews up the sights.

The Wolfman

Gwen Conliffe, Larry’s dead brother’s fiancé, becomes hip to the chili con carnage and thinks she can help Larry. Don’t girls know anything? Love isn’t the answer  — heavy artillery is.

The Wolfman

The final sequence is a real tail-puller, with Larry coming to grips with his disease and getting into one last dogfight before… C’mon, you knew how this was gonna end. Or did you? They wisely left the pet door open for a sequel that sadly never happened. Otherwise, a good time was had by all. Up to, and including the dancing bear. 

Ghost Tenants, Social Media Killers, Paranormal Secret Service

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

Don’t know why I’m so enamored with all the Justice League key art. Having written about it numerous times, this is the latest poster, FINALLY featuring Supermanwithout a mustache, as been a point of contention in the news lately.

In honor of the cookie duster-less Superman, I have decided to shave my legs. (I can’t seem to grow facial hair — must be some red kryptonite laying around here somewhere, probably under the couch.)

Speaking of personal grooming, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put hair on your upper lip…

House on Rodeo Gulch

HOUSE ON RODEO GULCH (available now/VOD)
“Uprooted from her childhood home in Texas by her father’s new job, seventeen-year-old Shani Peterson moves to California with her new step-mom, Denise. Their new home, located deep in the redwoods of Central California is a dream come true…until it’s not. With an over friendly Reverend and his alcoholic assistant as their only neighbors, Shani and Denise must unearth the haunting mysteries of the house and its history, before they lose their home, or lives.”

A Reverend and alcoholic assistants? Sounds like my neighborhood. With all that booze floating around, no wonder the place is filled with “spirits”. Heh. Wonder if Denise is single — maybe we could out for a drink since there seems to be a plentiful supply.

Mother

MOTHER! (September 15, 2017)
“A couple’s relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence.”

Let’s call it what it is — relatives. The gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence is starring in this one. She’s done sci-fi (Passengers/2016), so why not horror?

Tragedy Girls

TRAGEDY GIRLS (2017)
Sadie and McKayla are two social-media obsessed best friends who will stop at nothing to build their online following. The self-titled ‘Tragedy Girls’ kidnap Lowell, an unambitious local serial killer, and force him to mentor them into modern horror legends by committing murders to blow up on the Internet. As the bodies fall, the girls become national news and panic in their small town hits a fever pitch — just then, Lowell escapes! Now with the local Sheriff closing in and their relationship on the rocks, the girls must rethink their plan before they find themselves the latest victims of their own killing spree.

An unambitious serial killer? That’s like saying “peckish great white shark.” As for the social media-obsessed girls, sounds like they won’t be a problem for much longer.

The Rook

THE ROOK (2018)
“A young woman who wakes up in a London park suffering amnesia and surrounded by bodies, all wearing latex gloves. As she attempts to uncover her past and her role as head of Britain’s supernatural secret service, she discovers she has peculiar abilities, all while being pursued by paranormal adversaries.”

This one sounds cool. Heck, put me in — I have latext gloves under the sink, right next to the unused bottle of Pine-sol™ and unopened packages of paranormal adversaries.

Cartoon Vampires, Kid-Eating Clowns, End of the World

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Savageland

Amazing — NASA announced they’ve discovered seven new Earth-like exoplanets. This is incredible news — now I have somewhere to go to wait out the next four years.

Speaking of waiting, here’s some upcoming horror movies that NASA hasn’t discovered yet…

SAVAGELAND (February, 2017)
“Illegal immigration wrapped around the mysterious mass murder and disappearance of 57 people. The disappearances took place in the off-the-grid border town of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona, just a few miles north of Mexico. The police arrest Francisco Salazar, the lone survivor. He is found covered with the blood of a number of his fellow residents.”

Sounds like this movie was funded by Republicans.

Here Alone

HERE ALONE (March 31, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A young woman struggles to survive on her own in the wake of a mysterious epidemic that has decimated society and forced her deep into the unforgiving wilderness.”

If I was the lone survivor of an epidemic that wiped out all of humanity, screw going into the woods; I’d just go deep into an unforgiving bar and hang out with my friend Bud(weiser). He’s pretty quiet, but speaks volumes.

Castlevania

CASTLEVANIA (2017/Netflix)
“Inspired by the classic video game series, Castlevania is a dark medieval fantasy following the last surviving member of the disgraced Belmont clan, trying to save Eastern Europe from extinction at the hand of Vlad Dracula Tepes himself.”

This is an animated TV series, so all of the calories, none of the fun. Saving grace — Castlevania is being made by Frederator Studios, whose numerous credits include Adventure Time and SuperF*ckers.

Crepitus

CREPITUS (2017/2018)
“Seventeen year old Elizabeth and her younger sister, Sam, are thrust into circumstances more terrifying than life with their abusive, drunken mother when they are forced to move into their deceased grandfather’s house. Frightened beyond belief, they learn horrible things about their family history. Never mind the ghosts in the house, there is something far worse that takes an interest in them…a cannibalistic clown named Crepitus.”

Reminds me of that 1992 episode of The Simpsons where Bart is staying with The Flanders while his mom Marge is giving birth to Lisa, and he’s in a circus clown themed bed freaking out, shaking and repeating, “Can’t sleep…clowns will eat me.” So yeah, a cannibal clown. That’s pretty f’d up. And why would clowns eat kids in the first place? From what the guy at the deli tells me, they taste terrible no matter how much mayo you smear on ‘em. I should probably buy my sandwiches elsewhere.

Eat Locals

EAT LOCALS (2017/2018)
“In a quiet countryside farmhouse, Britain’s vampires gather for their once-every-fifty-years meeting. Others will be joining them too; Sebastian Crockett, an unwitting Essex boy, the sexy cougar Vanessa, and a detachment of Special Forces vampire killers who have bitten off more than they can chew. This is certainly going to be a night to remember…and for some of them it will be their last.”

You’d think British vampires could find someplace nicer than a barn to hold their meetings. Might I suggest O’Henry’s — Home of the Power Drinkers. Appropriate as vampires could be referred to as power drinkers.

P.S. That’s a real place — I’ve been there. I shan’t return lest there be vampires about.

Low Tide Love

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on July 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Venus Drowning

In the super odd/unusual/weird horror flick Venus Drowning (2006), a cute British gal is having a really bad day. The boyfriend that knocked her up just died of cancer. Then she suffers a miscarriage. Then the tries to commit suicide with booze, pills and a knife in a bathtub. (To be fair, she did have non-lethal shampoo.)

Venus Drowning

It was an off-yourself FAIL. So her mental doc prescribes her a holiday at an off-season seaside beach. But as everyone knows, British beaches are always gray, cold and overcast. Good atmosphere for recovering from of depression.

Venus Drowning

It’s here she finds a reverse meatloaf creature thing during low tide. She takes it home, tries to feed it (I’m really hoping that was a mouth), and rubs it. The creature’s secretions stay on her fingers like Cheetos™ dust – and it’s doing to her what catnip does to cats.

A girlfriend comes to visit and after a drinking run ends up bringing a guy back to the pad for a little shag on the carpeting. Meanwhile, the creature in the basement is responding to the pleasure emotions right above what I hope is a head. Then it starts to throb. I really hope this isn’t a clue as to what it is.

Venus Drowning

This affects the suicide girl and she ends up licking it and rolling around on the floor in horniness. This compels her to pick up the SAME GUY her visiting girlfriend did and HAVE SEX WITH HIM. By now it’s clear – the pulsing flesh lump is feeding off the sex energy.

The squishy thing sprouts long tentacles and violates the post-sex sleeping LUCKIEST GUY ON EARTH and sucks out all his chi. When the girl wakes up, she has a blackened, chi sucked rotted corpse in her bed. So much for Saturday night.

Venus Drowning

She breaks the brittle corpse into firewood, piles it in a shopping cart, rolls it down to the beach, and makes a cadaver camp fire. Later, back at the flat, she stabs the sex lump and tosses it in the trash. Solid waste or recyclable – the movie leaves it up to your imagination.

Venus Drowning

Not sure what the point of all this was. But it did hang me up with unresolved questions – what did she do with the shopping cart?!? Did it belong to a local grocery store? Won’t they want it back after it’s washed with commercial-grade Mr. Clean™?

And this is what I took away from all of the above.

Headless Dead Head

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Headless Ghost

In 1959’s The Headless Ghost, a sexy exchange student from Sweden is talked into spending the night in a haunted British castle with two American boy exchange students to see if the dump is actually haunted, or if it’s just a tourist angle. Swedish chicks will fall for any pick-up line.

The Headless Ghost

The castle turns out to be bedeviled, but by a ghost who is so friendly you want to hang out and drink ale with the polterguy. Seems there’s a problem, though; Another ghost – a duke of some sort with a royal pedigree – has lost his head and he can’t find it. (It’s probably out in the barn where undead farm animals are eating his brains and… Sorry, I lost my head for a moment.)

The Headless Ghost

So no-head ghost has to walk the castle between the living and the not, until such a time when his severed skull can be returned to its rightful owner and he can go to Hell like the rest of us.

The Headless Ghost

There’s another problem. A third ghost doesn’t want them to find the second ghost’s face. Sounds cool on paper, but this is really cheesy teen scream stuff, with no screaming to scream of. In other words, too much talking and not enough head losing. And since when does a ghost movie end happily? I thought there were rules about that.

The Headless Ghost

So exactly how did the ghost become headless? Best guess is that he was running with scissors. That, or he tripped and fell on a guillotine.