Mystery Godzilla, Occult Virgins, Pet Dinosaurs

Funko, fast becoming my favorite pop icon toy company, just released a Godzilla “mystery” box. Also called “mystery minis”, you get to see two Godzilla toy figures — regular and flaming (as in “on fire”), and one that’s not visible. Kinda neat. It’s like opening a peanut shell and wondering if you’ll get one of those allergy-triggering legumes (a peanut is part of the bean family), or some sort of invasive larvae that’ll grow to the size of your arm and eat the peanut butter sandwich that’s hanging from the end of it.

We already know there’s a bunch of different Godzillas: MechaGodzilla, Space Godzilla, JesusZilla (actually, he’s just the son), and those river-dancing all over what’s left of humanity in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017): Godzilla Filius and the 300 meter-embiggened, Godzilla Earth. I don’t think Godzilla Earth could fit in even God’s toy box, so I’m thinkin’’ the mystery ‘monster‘ is Ghost Godzilla. Don’t know if he even exists, just though it sounded cool.

While you click away from this blog to go check out Funko.com (yes, you WILL be blown away), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies may or may not seem as cool as…Ghost Godzilla…

THE NIGHT OF THE VIRGIN (June 12, 2018)
“Javier Badola is a lonely young man who attends a New Years Eve party with the intention of losing his virginity. After midnight he finds himself alone and rejected until a middle-aged woman invites him back to her apartment. What promises to be an epic sexual debut turns into his worst nightmare when he discovers that the woman has a perverse occult agenda.”

Seriously? What guy doesn’t go out with the intent of losing his virginity — or at least re-imagineering it? And just so we’re clear, it just. ..doesn’t…matter if the woman has a perverse occult agenda. It’s super fun happy times for your swimsuit area, man! And if there are any “virgins” out there reading this, I’ll give you some advice via an old joke: “Sex is a lot like air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.”

CANARIES (2018)
“In the style of Shaun Of The Dead, The Lost Boys and Attack the Block, Canaries is a funny, dark and action packed sci-fi horror comedy that pits a group of drunken friends on New Years Eve in a Welsh valley against an invasion task force of creepy time-traveling aliens. A kick-ass M.O.D agent, an insecure radio DJ and a kung fu master who owns the local B&B learn their new years resolution this year is simple: STAY ALIVE.”

Why do I have a sudden desire to move to a Welsh valley? I hear the residents are out of this world. P.S. I wanna be a kung fu master, but don’t wanna own a B&B. The things people do all over sheets — there’s the real horror story.

ZOMBIEPURA (2018)
“When a mysterious virus breaks out in an isolated army camp, a lazy reservist soldier and his tough commander must work together to survive, and learn what it means to be real soldiers.”

Wow, it’s like they don’t even try and come up with a new spin on zombies. Sounds like Gomer Pyle versus the Undead.

ADVENTURES OF A JURASSIC PET: CHAPTER 1 (2018)
“An adventurous teenager summons the courage to help a friendly dinosaur to escape from the clutches of a mad scientist that wants to use him for experimentations.”

I imagine the worst part about a pet dinosaur is cleaning the litter box.

Punk Ghosts, Bear Traps and Real Werewolves

Been making a few videos to post on my new YouTube™ Channel. Three are promo clips for this here blog thingie and one is about UFOs, which are REAL by the way. Click HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE to be dazzled by the visuals.

While I’m on the subject, here are some brand new and upcoming horror visuals to rub your eyes on…

TEENAGE GHOST PUNK (available now)
Life changes for a cheerleader named Amanda when her family moves to an old Victorian house outside Chicago. Weird things happen in the new house: knocking sounds, strange guitar riffs in the rain and unexplained messes. A quirky medium and a bumbling paranormal investigation team search for answers but are scared away an unseen force.”

Sounds like my apartment, except I’m not a ghost (yet). When I play my guitar, the neighbors like it so much, they pound on the wall to keep time with my music. I’d like my neighbors if I didn’t hate them so much.

DARK SIGNAL (June 2, 2017)
Deep in the heart of the isolated Welsh valleys, an eerie hush spreads throughout the deserted wilds. On lookout for her boyfriend and left trembling in the middle of a secluded forest, she quickly realizes she is not alone. With her is the vengeful spirit of a murdered girl.

And this is why I don’t go wandering around Welsh valleys. I hear those things are loaded with vengeful spirits. (A ghost, not a bottle of mean booze, though that would make being lost less of a priority.)

COUNTRYCIDE (2017)
“A woman is lost, alone in the woods with a bear trap on her leg. It is a matter of survival as she must combat the elements, her pain and predators of both the two and four legged variety.”

Is this the same woman from the above paragraph? With a bear trap clamped on her leg, we probably won’t be seeing her any time soon on Dancing With The Stars.

BONEHILL ROAD (2017)
“Bonehill Road is an homage to classic monster films like The Howling and An American Werewolf In London. In some ways, it is a throwback to the films we grew up with…the real horror movies that we all love so much, and in another way it is a modern horror flick that uses old school techniques, including Practical Monster Effects. NO CGI at all here. Our goal is to make an exciting, scary monster movie with some really cool werewolves.”

This is being crowd-funded as we speak. A few thoughts: Great title. Secondly, about flippin’ time we got a new werewolf movie. (The last good one I saw was Howl back in 2015.) And bonus points for making the werewolf real and not a sucky digital version. A computer-generated wolf-man is right up there with EDM on the suck scale.