Worms, Slasher Santa, Whispering Dead

If you watched the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead last November, you got to see YET ANOTHER main character die, and were introduced to The Whisperers, YET ANOTHER group of enemies of the still-living. No spoilers, but hot dang, that last scene was right up there with some of TWD’s best “holy sh*t!” moments.

Here’s an excerpt from the press release that tells us what’s in store when the show resumes on Sunday, February 10, 2019 on AMC…

“The group’s rules and ways of survival no longer guarantee their safety. A whole new threat has crossed their paths, and they soon discover it’s unlike any threat they have encountered or endured before. The group will start to question what they think they see. What may appear to be normal in this post-apocalyptic world could actually be more disturbing and terrifying than when the apocalypse first broke out. All that is certain is the stakes are high and numerous.”

A bit generic, but if you’ve read the graphic novels, you kinda already know what holy sh*t is coming down the pipe. Until then, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the holy sh*t outta you…

MOJIN: THE WORM VALLEY (January 4, 2019)
“Following in the footsteps of blockbuster Mojin: The Lost Legend and based on the bestselling novel series, Mojin: The Worm Valley once again finds legendary tomb explorer Hu Bayi on a dangerous mission as he seeks out the Tomb of Emperor Xian, located on an island of monstrous creatures in this mystical action-adventure.”

A valley of worms and an island of monstrous creatures? Spring break!

DIAL CODE SANTA CLAUS (now showing)
“Thomas, a resourceful child, is left alone with his fragile grandfather on Christmas Eve. When a killer dressed as Santa Claus breaks into their home, Thomas does whatever it takes to defend his home and grandfather.”

This originally came out back in 1989 in its native country of France, or a place that sounds like France. It made its way here over the border wall as a bootlegged VHS. But now Dial Code Santa Claus getting a proper release and is making the film house circuit as we e-speak. Hopefully, it’ll be available on DVD — but France is gonna have to pay for it.

DOOM ROOM (January 15, 2019)
“A woman wakes up locked in a small room with no memory of how she arrived there. Unable to escape, and tormented by a series of paranormal entities, she must uncover the riddle of who she is and how she got here.”

YET ANOTHER spin on the Cube/Saw scenario. It also describes the night after drinking in The Tug Tavern.

THE HOLE IN THE GROUND (2019)
“Trying to escape her broken past, Sarah O’Neill is building a new life on the fringes of a backwood rural town with her young son, Chris. A terrifying encounter with a mysterious neighbor shatters her fragile security, throwing Sarah into a spiraling nightmare of paranoia and mistrust, as she tries to uncover if the disturbing changes in her little boy are connected to an ominous sinkhole buried deep in the forest that borders their home.”

I bet Thomas Crapper, the guy who invented the toilet, was inspired by sinkholes. He should’ve called it the “Stinkhole,” though. Heh.

Godzilla: A Star Is Born, Monster Box Social, Brutally Honest Santa

Go fix your makeup, Andromeda; tighten up a notch, Orion’s Belt; go refill your water bucket, Aquarius — there’s literally a new star in town…GODZILLA!

The Hollywood gossip sheets are true for a change — NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration and home to a lot of lab coat wearers) has bestowed a heavenly distinction to Godzilla by being named a new constellation. Talk about dancing with the stars.

How NASA, the Academy Awards of Space, came to the conclusion that Godzilla needed his own Walk of Fame in the Galaxies: “Most of the gamma-ray sources visible in the Godzilla constellation are actually AGN, as are more than half the gamma-ray ‘stars’ Fermi has cataloged to date.

“Gamma-ray jets also occur in other types of astrophysical systems. When a massive star runs out of fuel and collapses under its own weight, or when two orbiting neutron stars spiral together and merge, a new black hole — and high-speed jets — may form. The result is a gamma-ray burst, the most powerful explosion in the cosmos. These monstrous blasts, which occur somewhere in the distant universe every day or so according to observations by Fermi’s Gamma-ray Burst Monitor, would make even Godzilla envious.”

While we congratulate Godzilla on becoming the Universe’s newest bad Gamma Jamma, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be visible as your black hole, son…

MONSTER PARTY (November 2, 2018)
“Three thieves plan a daring heist posing as waiters at a fancy Malibu mansion dinner party in hopes of paying off an urgent debt. When their plan goes horribly wrong, the trio realizes the dinner guests are not as innocent as they seem and their simple cash grab becomes a violent and desperate battle to get out of the house alive.”

The irony here being that if the criminals posed as waiters a rich people party, they could’ve easily earned enough tips to pay off their debt. This is why criminals are so STUPID.

SECRET SANTA (November 5, 2018/UK)
“A Christmas Eve gathering takes an unexpected turn after a family guest spikes the punch with a military grade version of truth serum sodium pentothal. The already dysfunctional group comes unstuck in a blizzard of drug-induced, painfully candid outbursts, and upset soon turns to carnage after the head of the family runs amok with a fork, triggering festering loathings and savage reprisals.”

This sounds pretty fun/funny, except they really didn’t need to spike the punch with military-grade sodium pentothal to get everybody to go all truth or dare on each other. Eight or nine easily-purchased cans/bottles/cartons of beer achieves the same results — and at a much lower cost to you, the truthful consumer.

ESCAPE ROOM (January 4, 2019)
“Six strangers find themselves in circumstances beyond their control and must use their wits to find the clues or die.”

This sounds like a “copyright infringement homage” to Cube (1997) and Nine Dead (2009). If I had to use my wits to save my own life, you might as well go shopping for tombstones.

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2 U (February 14, 2019)
“This time, our hero Tree Gelbman discovers that dying over and over was surprisingly easier than the dangers that lie ahead.”

Didn’t see the first one (I forget what it was called). So a guy who dies over and over. Isn’t that called a typical work week? And who the heck names their kid “Tree”? I guess that makes his mom a tree hugger. After this movie, he’ll be branching out. I bet he pines after his ex. Strong chance he wakes up with morning wood. I can do this all day.

A Box of Death

Cubeº: Cube Zero (2004), the sequel/prequel to Cube (1997) and Cube 2: Hypercube (2002), thinks outside the box, showing the people that control the test subjects inside the massive, booby-trapped, multi-roomed Rubik’s Cube™ of deathisms.

One such test subject is sprayed with fluid and thinks its water. Don’t go brushing your teeth with it just yet, pal — that there water is a flesh-eating bacteria mixed in with a fluid delivery system and… Dang, he melted before I could finish telling him he was about to die a horrible and un-flossed death.

Operated by two controllers who don’t like each other, they’re given orders on how to run scenarios on those within the Cube. One guy has an eyeball outside of his head — super ick. The other guy falls for a supermodel previously placed in the Cube and is instructed to record her dreams. (If anyone ever puts me in a Cube and tries recording my dreams, they better have a strong stomach.)

As the Cube clues (or “clubes”) fall into place, the test subjects are found to have something in common: each was sentenced to death at one point, but signed a consent form to have their lives spared if they agreed to be placed in the Cube. Wait a minute — the supermodel wasn’t sentenced to death, nor did she sign a waiver. That means there’s some gosh dang monkey business going on upstairs in the corporate office.Realizing this, the one controller who has a case of the hot potatoes for the supermodel goes into the Cube to rescue her. The Cube, though, has been rigged to reset itself and do a clean sweep, meaning it vaporizes everything inside made up of living tissue. Ouch and then some. Cooler still, when a test subject makes it through the Cube’s traps and poking things, he or she exits and is asked if they believe in God. If you say no, you’re burned to death right there on the spot. You’re gonna roast in Hell one way or another.

Cubeº: Cube Zero is more interesting than Cube 2: Hypercube, but not as good as the self-titled first one in the franchise, due to nonsensical “Big Brother” plotting. I watch these things for the boobies and booby-traps, NOT for nonsensical story lines. As stuffed sausage as the plot is, it has one ’o those Twilight Zone-type irony/twisty endings. So, like, that was pretty cool.

Horror Magazines, Holiday Demons, Hellish Drugs

Was talking to a horror movie friend of mine in a bar (or as I like to call it, spin class), and ruminating over the demise of the globally prominent Fangoria horror movie magazine, which started in 1979 and ended abruptly went down the porcelain library a few years ago. They did, however, keep the website going. Meh.

Imagine me doing a faceplant as it was just announced Fangoria, under new ownership, will fire up the printers once again. What are the odds?

From the press release…

“Cinestate, the Texas-based entertainment company, has acquired all the assets and trademarks of the Fangoria brand, which includes the magazine. Also, Tony Timpone and Michael Gingold are set to return with their columns as well as consult the company going forward. Thanks to a new investment, a new Editor-in-Chief, and a new Publisher, the world’s highest-profile horror movie magazine is reemerging as a collectible quarterly with the first issue set to drop this fall in time for Halloween (2018)”.

It should be somehow noted that on December 5, 2007, a warehouse in Oregon, Illinois, which contained all back issues of Fangoria and Starlog magazines, was fired by fire. It’s common knowledge that back issues of Fangoria are not re-printed. This is good news for me as I own the entire collection (except for a few of the last few issues), all (over 300) kept in plastic with cardboard backing and stored in those cool comic book boxes. I’ll start the bidding at $1,000 — and you pay for shipping. Or come over with your checkbook, a van or front-loader, and a sixer of tall boys to seal the deal.

Not sure how a quarterly publication schedule is gonna be relevant in today’s digital second-by-second breaking horror news atmospheric conditions, though. The news would be as old as me by the time it comes out. But hey, with legacy editors on board, put me in the game, coach.

So while we wait for Fangoria’s obstetrician to arrive on scene, here’s some second-by-second breaking news about upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may belong in the porcelain library…

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS (2018)
“The Milgram family, who have gathered to celebrate Christmas, find a mysterious black substance has surrounded their house. Something monumental is clearly happening right outside their door, but what exactly? An industrial accident, a terrorist attack, nuclear war? Descending into terrified arguments, they turn on the television, desperate for any information. On screen, a message glows ominously: ‘Stay Indoors and Await Further Instructions”.

Ewww! — black stuff on your yard at Christmas? Is that the new coal for a year’s worth of suspect behavioral patterns, or was Santa eating gas station burritos again? Either way, this movie echoes 2006’s Right At Your Door, wherein toxic ash snows down upon your ash hole and guys in hazmat suits show up to seal you inside your blackend house with plastic tarp and all-purpose duct tape. (Is there anything that tape can’t do?) Hazmat suits are kinda neat.

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)
“When an awkward date on Christmas Eve leads a couple into a strange theater, they’re treated to a bizarre and frightening collection of Christmas stories, featuring a wide ensemble of characters doing their best to avoid the horrors of the holidays. From boring office parties and last-minute shopping to vengeful stalkers and immortal demons, there’s plenty out there to fear this holiday season.”

Either a bit late or way too early in the year for holiday movies. But hey, when isn’t it a good time to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, our commander in chief?

WHITE CHAMBER (2018)
“The United Kingdom. Soon. Civil war rages. A woman wakes up in a blindingly white cuboid cell. Using its sophisticated functionality, her captor tortures her for information she claims not to have — or does she?”

Sounds a bit like Cube (1997), except those “rooms” weren’t white. In fact, they looked like they were painted in nice metal-flavored hues. Instead of windows, though, each room in this gigantic Rubik’s Cube™was a trap so deadly, you could end up deadly dead. Hope that doesn’t happen to the nice woman in the blindingly white cuboid cell. I vote we give her sunglasses and a couple of magazines.

DISCARNATE (2018/2019)
“A neuroscientist’s obsession with a drug that expands the human mind inadvertently unleashes a deadly supernatural force on his team.”

Gotta say —nifty movie poster. The monster looks like some sort of evil Christmas tree on which to hang tinsel and/or fully anatomically detailed gingerbread men/women cookies. As for the drug that expands the human mind, look no further than the pleasingly arranged coolers at 7-Eleven™. More so if the store clerk is wearing a lab coat.

Copy Cat Storms, Super Jewelry, Alien Doctors

With little more than a month to go (from this e-barfing) before the glorious day Justice League comes out (November 17, 2017, to belabor the point), now comes YET ANOTHER series of character posters of Batman, Cyborg, Aquaman, The Flash, Wonder Woman and…Green Lantern? Wait — how can that be? He should never have been let into the Justice League in the first place if all his power comes from jewelry. (Wonder Woman’s earrings are tougher than he is.)

But be still, dear readers. The fan-made poster, magnificently done, comes from BossLogic, who also did a Superman version (complete with a Batman moustache). So you could call it fake news, or just marvel that it completes the set nicely and therefore your mom’s basement where you live because you can’t find a job will have balanced feng shui.

While we contemplate the spiritual ramifications of a Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment (even though it is closely linked to Taoism), here are a few just-released horror and sci-fi movies to play on your television. Be sure to feng shui (angle) it properly to invite peace (tell everyone to shut up) and prosperity (someone bring over some beer) to your living room…

AFTERIMAGES (available now/VOD)
“A collection of horror films appear in the ashes after a group of friends burn paper effigy cameras as offerings to the dead.”

Cool premise — wonder if that works with burning paper effigies of been cans as offerings to the thirsty dead? If a case of beer appears in the ashes, best to put it in the fridge for a while as beer that burns your tongue should be illegal. (It’s still beer, so don’t throw it away, you craft cocktail swilling snobs.)

PATIENT SEVENTEEN (available now/VOD)
“A surgeon claims to remove highly advance implants, nanotechnology microchips embedded by aliens, non-humans monitoring our Earth. Discover the world of abductions, Scalar wave transmissions, and a program to study or manipulate the human race. Armed with a patient, a scalpel, black lights and a stud finder; we seek to verify the authenticity of this alleged Off-World Implant Technology.”

Couple of things — first, why does a surgeon need a stud finder? That’s like a proctologist using a turkey baster. Secondly, what the heck are Scalar wave transmissions? Got me curious so I clicked it up — “Scalar waves are also called electromagnetic longitudinal waves, Maxwellian waves, or Teslawellen (Tesla waves). Variants of the theory claim that Scalar electromagnetics (also known as Scalar energy) is the background quantum mechanical fluctuations and associated zero-point energies.” Like I understood one nanosecond of that.

MY LITTLE SISTER (available now/VOD)
“A group of friends go against warnings not to camp in the local woods, where a legendary monster named Little Sister is rumored to exist. As they defy all advice, one by one they soon fall victim to a family of deformed killers.”

Set ‘em up, knock ‘em down. As monster names go, a little more thought should’ve went into “Little Sister.” All little sisters are monsters, so not seeing the point where that would be scary.

GEO-DISASTER (available now/VOD)
“A family in Los Angeles finds themselves in the center of a super volcano, a mega earthquake and a twister. While the world prepares for this near apocalyptic event, our heroes must survive on their own skills and wit to find safe passage.”

All you have to do is look at the title of this one and you’ll already know whose behind this preceding rip-off of Geo-Storm (2017) — The Asylum, a film studio globally known for being blatant movie plagiarists. You better hope they don’t get wind of the film biopic of your life — they’ll just change the title (make it plural) and recast you as a loser with cheap, digital special effects going off right next to your altered-just-enough-to-be-legal face.

ESCAPE ROOM (October 17, 2017)
To celebrate his 30th birthday, Tyler’s girlfriend, Kristen, takes him and two other couples to play the latest craze: ESCAPE ROOM. In an escape room, you are locked in a room and given one hour to figure out cryptic clues in order to escape. The group is led into a locked room and the clock starts ticking. They quickly sense something is wrong, the puzzles become increasingly difficult and increasingly deadly. One by one the escape room claims a new victim and the surviving players realize they are no longer playing a game; they are playing for their lives.”

Um, is this not the premise of Cube (1997) and/or Saw (2004)? I bet they went to a carnival funhouse or a corn maze to research the idea.

Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

AKUMA (2017)
“Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
“Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.

Sci-Fi Squared

Six people wake up in 26×26-foot square rooms with no windows, coffee tables or recollection on how they got there. (I refer to this as King County’s drunk tank.) They soon discover there are many such “cubes” linked by way of a small portal, accessed through submarine-type doors.

Some cubes are “safe” while others are booby-trapped with really gnarly death devices. (The opening scene is quite picturesque as a guy gets sliced into handy serving portions by a grid of razor-thin/sharp wire.)

Each has a skill that, if everyone would quit pissing and moaning and pool their resources, they could possibly find a way out. There’s a wife-beating cop, a mousy mathematician, a paranoid VD doctor, a lethargic engineer, a pragmatic jail-break escape artist, and a mentally-handicapped guy who can’t stop flicking his own ear. Sounds like the last call crowd.

The arithmetic chick calculates they’re inside an even bigger cube and that there are well over 17,500 rooms in all. And guess what – not one bathroom! Things get deliciously nasty as the uncooperative group tries to figure out how to get out of this Rubik’s Cube of Doom without getting sliced into handy serving portions.

No nudity, but lots of swearing and suspense. Don’t be a square – watch Cube (1997) today.