Archive for Texas

Udder Horror

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Isolation

Dan Reilly is a farmer. But unlike ’Ol MacDonald, who also had a farm, In Isolation (2005), Dan is severely broke, so he has to rent his cows out for genetic research. That, or lose his late father’s farm, full of knee deep mud and cow poop. (Hey Dan — have you though about growing popcorn trees?)

Isolation

Bovine Genetics Technology has been paying him cash to inject his one of his pregnant cows with a serum that will make them grow faster and produce juicer hamburgers. The opening scene has a research scientist sticking her arm (all the way up to her shoulder) into a cow’s outgoing hay chute. Why, oh why didn’t I turn off the DVD player right then and there?

Isolation

Something bit her hand. I’m’ thinking it was a baby alligator ’Ol MacDonald flushed down the sewer and one of Dan’s cows ate it and…sorry. Later, the cow goes into labor and the calf gets stuck between cowhole and freedom. The scene where Dan and a young couple on the run found squatting near his property assist the delivery process is one of the ickiest horror scenes ever scene. It’s almost enough to make you swear off juicy cow burgers and baby alligators.

Isolation

The newborn abomination, horribly disfigured by science, makes with the biting, which results in a nail gun defense strategy. Dan is the opposite of happy. He expresses this to the doctor who is wrecking his burger factories. But science cannot be denied, nor can the parasitic embryos still alive in the dead cows.

Isolation

As in The Thing (1982), it’s determined that no one can leave the farm, as the science cow is loaded with infectious what-nots and has the distinct probability of destroying humanity, vegetarians included. While you never get to see science cow in all its inside-out glory, this thing seems to be all teeth, causing udder, uh, utter chaos as it goes on the attack.

Isolation

It should be stated that crawling under the floorboards of a barn where cows turn hay into Texas pancakes is disgusting beyond belief, yet necessary for one’s survival. Only one makes it out alive. Who was it — the cow, the doctor, Dan, the squatter guy who knocked up his girlfriend after the cow bit him? The knocked up girlfriend? I’d crawl under a wet, infected barn before I ever told you.

Swappin’ Spit With Mummy

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mummy's KIss

Four Centuries ago Princess Ankahnten — that saucy little minx with fewer morals than me — was mummified for showing her boobs and other stuff involving nakedness. Good thing they moved her top-heavy corpse to Los Angeles where all those supermodels walk the Earth so she can lick up, uh, pick up where she left off.

The Mummy's Kiss

You see, the Egyptian Sorceress was given a Texas funeral for dabbling in forbidden pleasures of the booty. This was 3,000 years ago, well before the booty was invented. So you can see why it was deemed illegal.

The Mummy's Kiss

Now, reincarnated through the satanic forces of special effects, the oddly undecomposed (yet hot) Princess Ankahnten is trying to track down the reincarnation of her lost love — a personal comfort device. Um, I mean, ex-girlfriend. Same thing, I suppose.

The Mummy's Kiss

Connect the dots from there. After a while it all gets boring, but be careful not to get lube all over the remote.

Ghost Tenants, Social Media Killers, Paranormal Secret Service

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

Don’t know why I’m so enamored with all the Justice League key art. Having written about it numerous times, this is the latest poster, FINALLY featuring Supermanwithout a mustache, as been a point of contention in the news lately.

In honor of the cookie duster-less Superman, I have decided to shave my legs. (I can’t seem to grow facial hair — must be some red kryptonite laying around here somewhere, probably under the couch.)

Speaking of personal grooming, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put hair on your upper lip…

House on Rodeo Gulch

HOUSE ON RODEO GULCH (available now/VOD)
“Uprooted from her childhood home in Texas by her father’s new job, seventeen-year-old Shani Peterson moves to California with her new step-mom, Denise. Their new home, located deep in the redwoods of Central California is a dream come true…until it’s not. With an over friendly Reverend and his alcoholic assistant as their only neighbors, Shani and Denise must unearth the haunting mysteries of the house and its history, before they lose their home, or lives.”

A Reverend and alcoholic assistants? Sounds like my neighborhood. With all that booze floating around, no wonder the place is filled with “spirits”. Heh. Wonder if Denise is single — maybe we could out for a drink since there seems to be a plentiful supply.

Mother

MOTHER! (September 15, 2017)
“A couple’s relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence.”

Let’s call it what it is — relatives. The gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence is starring in this one. She’s done sci-fi (Passengers/2016), so why not horror?

Tragedy Girls

TRAGEDY GIRLS (2017)
Sadie and McKayla are two social-media obsessed best friends who will stop at nothing to build their online following. The self-titled ‘Tragedy Girls’ kidnap Lowell, an unambitious local serial killer, and force him to mentor them into modern horror legends by committing murders to blow up on the Internet. As the bodies fall, the girls become national news and panic in their small town hits a fever pitch — just then, Lowell escapes! Now with the local Sheriff closing in and their relationship on the rocks, the girls must rethink their plan before they find themselves the latest victims of their own killing spree.

An unambitious serial killer? That’s like saying “peckish great white shark.” As for the social media-obsessed girls, sounds like they won’t be a problem for much longer.

The Rook

THE ROOK (2018)
“A young woman who wakes up in a London park suffering amnesia and surrounded by bodies, all wearing latex gloves. As she attempts to uncover her past and her role as head of Britain’s supernatural secret service, she discovers she has peculiar abilities, all while being pursued by paranormal adversaries.”

This one sounds cool. Heck, put me in — I have latext gloves under the sink, right next to the unused bottle of Pine-sol™ and unopened packages of paranormal adversaries.

Leprosy Zombies, Ghosts Students, Fake Moon

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Magnificent Dead

Watching YET ANOTHER “the moon landing was faked” documentary. This is a British version. British people are too polite to lie. As for where I stand on this unending conspiracy, I do not believe our astronauts landed on the moon. I believe NASA built an artificial moon a few blocks from my apartment. That’s where they shot the footage and thereby faked the entire thing.

Only problem is, they didn’t get rid of the man-made moon and it’s just sitting there, all moldy and looking like an abandoned World’s Fair attraction. That, and it’s pull on our tides is screwing with my bath water. Stupid fake moon.

And here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not need to go in and/or out with the tide…

THE MAGNIFICENT DEAD (available now)
“In the 1870s in the small Texas town of Rosewood, local rancher Jared Hamilton and his men have declared war on the town, using fear and death to prevent a new railroad line from coming through. Guided by a priest, Father Julian the desperate town leaders decide to hire a group of six gunmen to help clean up the town. These gunmen are legendary, as they are afflicted with Leprosy and fight with reckless abandon and ruthlessness, for they have nothing to lose as they are already dead.”

Back in those days, lepers is what sick people were called instead of zombies/walking dead/undead/straddling the life/death fence’rs. The town leaders should’ve called on the Old West’s Jonah Hex because he’s a lot less “germ-y.” (Antibiotics weren’t invented until 1929 and then commercialized in the ’40s. I have no idea why I know that.)

Inheritance

INHERITANCE (June 2, 2017/Limited)
Ryan Bowman has just inherited a $2.5 million beach house on the central California coast from his biological father, a man he’s never known and thought long dead. Arriving in the charming town with his pregnant fiancé, Ryan’s curiosity about his father soon leads him into an introspective investigation. As a looming family presence tightens its grip on him, Ryan pushes away his adoptive family and expectant fiancé. When he finally discovers the horrifying truth about his birth parents, he might be too late to stop himself from repeating a similar pattern.”

Who cares? A $2.5 million dollar beach house?!? Geez, quit yer b*tchin’ and TAKE THE MONEY. Some people don’t know when to just shut up and make their way towards the cake.

The School

THE SCHOOL (2017/2018)
Amy, an attractive, successful surgeon, struggles to cope with her emergency room duties and those of a young mother looking after her hospitalized son who has fallen into a coma. After being reprimanded by her boss, Dr. Wang, for obsessively believing her son will wake up, she becomes trapped in a coma/purgatory of her own – The School – where children from her past emerge to taunt and test her to her core, putting in doubt whether Amy will be able to save her son and leave The School.”

Her boss is Dr. Wang? Wonder if he’s a urologist?

POSSUM (2017/2018)
“A disgraced children’s puppeteer returns to his childhood home and is forced to confront his wicked stepfather and the secrets that have tortured him his entire life.”

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you end up as a disgraced puppeteer. That’s right in there with being self-employed and hating the guy you’re working for.

Vampires, Drugs, Human Dogs

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aaron's Blood

Growing up reading comic books (before they were called “graphic novels” and charging adult money for ’em), the superheroes ALWAYS went to great lengths to keep their secret identity secret. Not so on the lightweight but still entertaining TV shows The Flash, Arrow and Supergirl — there are dozens of people who know who they are in non-hero mode and what they do when they take their crime fighting uniforms off.

Each of these superheroes better hope I don’t move to one of their cities and go all loose lip after sipping a casual 10 Budweisers™. Then again, I have need for someone with meta-human skills, so maybe we could work something out. You scratch my cape, I’ll scratch yours.

That said, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not require 10 relaxing Budweisers™ to enjoy…

AARON’S BLOOD (June 2, 2017)
“Aaron copes with his new life as a single father and the distant relationship he shares with his only child Tate. A timid hemophiliac, Tate is roughed up at school by the chief bully causing a massive nosebleed that lands him in the hospital fighting for his life. He makes a miraculous recovery after a necessary blood transfusion, but Aaron begins to notice progressively strange behaviors in his son. Faced with the grim possibility that his son could be becoming a vampire, Aaron enlists the help of a local vampire hunter and embarks on a frantic search to find the source of the infection to stop the transformation before it’s too late.”

That’d suck up one side and down the other to get a nosebleed that pretty much drains your entire body of the good stuff. As for the tainted blood transfusion, becoming a vampire because of it should be the least of your worries; blood donors are well-known disease factories. I heartedly recommend drinking adult beverages to cleanse the blood supply. Like Clorox Wipes™ the alcohol content alone can kill off most pathogens, supernatural or otherwise.

The Bad Batch

THE BAD BATCH (June 23, 2017)
“Arlen is unceremoniously dumped in a Texas wasteland fenced off from civilized society. While trying to orient her unforgiving environment, she’s captured by a savage band of cannibals and quickly realizes she’ll have to fight her way through her new reality. As Arlen adjusts to life in ‘the bad batch’ she discovers that being good or bad mostly depends on who you’re standing next to.”

The Bad Batch has been described as “a savage dystopian cannibal fairy tale set in a Texas wasteland where society’s rejects are just trying to make ends meat.” That’s pretty dang gosh darn funny. I know — language. Sometimes I resort to gutter speak to get my point across. Apologies. Couple things — this is a semi-big budget movie with legit big names. Secondly, since when did cannibals become mainstream? What’s next — slashers working at the local butcher store? Sometimes I just don’t get this gosh danged (I know, swear jar) world we live in.

Woodshock

WOODSHOCK (2017)
“A woman falls deeper into paranoia after taking a deadly drug.”

So your red flags didn’t go up prior to the great idea of taking a deadly drug? You’ve got bigger problems than deep paranoia. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Bitch

BITCH (2017)
“Jill, a lonely, distraught housewife with four unruly children, paces on her dining room table with a belt around her neck, contemplating a desperate end to her wretchedness. Her husband, Bill, focused on his identity as breadwinner and an affair with a lusty co-worker, is as oblivious to Jill’s growing terror that she will do something destructive as he is to the panic at his unraveling company. Meanwhile, dogs bark and howl through the night, as one persistent mutt continually stalks the family’s yard. When Jill’s psyche finally breaks, she takes on a vicious new canine persona.”

A woman mood swings herself into becoming a dog? Hold your Lassie jokes — this could actually be fun/funny. Really hoping she doesn’t get the urge to sniff butts and…I should probably stop talking.

Godzilla = Winzilla

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shin Godzilla

With a mere four Oscars™, the gore slasher flick La La Land (2016) has nothing on Shin Godzilla (2016), which stomped away with SEVEN Japan Academy Prizes in Tokyo on March 2, 2017.

Shin Godzilla

Besides pocketing over $72 million fun coupons, which converts to over eight BILLION yen, Shin Godzilla snagged the awards for Best Picture and Best Director. I should’ve been for nominated for Best Fan. Since Godzilla has so many awards, maybe he’ll let me have one. That, or scrunch me into sidewalk paste.

Shin Godzilla

And to make your day even better than it was before you read that last sentence, Shin Godzilla is releasing here in the States on March 22, 2017. There’s a plus and minus to this joyous news: Comicbook.com reports that it won’t contain English sub-titles. (Toho™, who owns every radioactive/copyrighted particle of Godzilla’s DNA, is notorious for this jerk maneuver.)

Shin Godzilla

However, Funimation™, located in Flower Mound, Texas (that town name sounds naughty for some reason), will be releasing Shin Godzilla with all the pronounceable bells and whistles in October of 2017. The price? Who cares? It’s Godzilla, man! Even at eight billion yen, it’ll still be a bargain.

Glowing Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Midnight Special

Alton Meyer is an eight-year old boy with eyes that shoot beams brighter than a flashlight with a hundred batteries. His hands glow, too. Wish I had glowing hands. No reason. Just seems like it’d be neat.

Midnight Special

Alton, his dad and a friend are being hunted by the Feds, cops, and a wacko religious cult in Texas who think Alton is the next Messiah du jour. They’re on a cross-state run to get Alton to a specific location in Florida where some unknown mind-bending stuff is about to hit the fan. And there’s a lot of fan-hitting that happens on the way there.

Midnight Special

Meanwhile the FBI raids The Ranch, where the cult holds sermons and stockpiles heavy artillery. Seems the pastoral babblings contained encoded satellite transmissions given to the head cult leader by Alton, who was raised at the compound after mom dumped him there when his “powers” became too strong for her to deal with. The penalty for having accessing such encrypted information, says Agent Paul Sevier, is so severe, the Government has yet to think up a suitable punishment. Yeow to that!

Midnight Special

A spectacular display of Alton’s powers comes at a gas station where his dad and friend stop for potato chip supplies. Wearing goggles (so people can’t see his high beam peepers), he brings down a satellite in a shower of flaming chunks on top of them. The Feds are upset as it was an important satellite, one with the sole purpose of detecting nuclear events anywhere in the world. That, and it was freakin’ expensive.

Midnight Special

Stopping to pick up mom, the fugitives are relentlessly tracked by the cult, who manage to violently kidnap Alton. The Feds kidnap Alton from the cult and it’s here the bright-eyed boy reveals his secrets to Agent Sevier. Alton tells him there’s a world above the one they’re currently on, and that he belongs with “his people.” Dutifully freaked out, Sevier manages to get the kid back to the dad, who in an nerve-wracking car chase sequence, gets Alton to the aforementioned coordinates, which happen to be in the Florida Everglades. (You don’t see ‘em, but there were probably hundreds of bugs in the swamp. Ick.)

Midnight Special

And it’s here Alton rejoins “his people” who materialize after a nuclear-esque event. (Too bad the don’t have a satellite to detect it.) Midnight Special (2016) is slow burn intense up to that point, but that scene is the money shot. Who knew the aliens could be this cool? Who knew this movie with its lackluster title would be this cool? You will once you watch it (glowing eyes not required.)