Archive for Texas

Dirty Laundry Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wild Man of Navidad

In the small, unwashed Texas town of Sublime, a horrible secret exists. Hunters are being viciously attacked by a mythical Wild Man of Navidad, their guts strewn about like Texas litter.

The Wild Man of Navidad

Locals with intact guts form a hunting party, or “Texas Prom Dance.” They chase down W. Man Nav, shoot him in harmful areas, hang the bullet-ridden corpse up in the middle of town like a Texan piñata. Even in broad daylight no one can figure out what he/it is. But he/it has big tusks. Maybe it’s a land walrus. I’m fresh outta ideas here.

The Wild Man of Navidad

In summation, The Wild Man of Navidad’s (2008) starring creature grunts like a razorback, damages stuff, runs through the bushes, eats skinned animals (because fur tends to get caught on his tooths), and disembowels red necks, tossing entrails around as if in a spaghetti throwing competition.

The Wild Man of Navidad

This stuff is OK. This isn’t: Wildy is dressed in what looks to be piles of dirty laundry. No big hairy creature that smells like freshness-expired skunk, just an overturned laundry basket as a fright fashion statement. The hick locals they cast as extras were far more frightening. (Don’t people in Texas ever brush their tusks?)

The Wild Man of Navidad

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking my dirty laundry down to the river and shooting it.

Toying With Godzilla, A Nice Exorcist, Spider-Man On Vacation

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Wanna get toys based on Godzilla: King of the Monsters about the same time the movie comes out on May 31, 2019? Thanks to NECA and Jakks Pacific (and available at Toy Ark), you can and should.

Godzilla

Toys or “Fun Talismans,” include Godzilla (duh) and his frenemies, King Ghidorah, Rodan and Mothra. On their press release, though, they said Fire Godzilla will also be included. Did they just send out a spoiler?

Godzilla

Most of the monsters will be 12 inches tall, with one Godzilla version twice that size, whatever that measures out to be. There will also be smaller versions and even a Godzilla mask in case you wanna goon out the neighbors.

Godzilla

While we make room in the toy box, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not goon out the neighbors…

Animas

ANIMAS (January 25, 2019/Netflix™)
Alex is a confident girl with a strong personality and great tenacity. She’s very close to her best friend Abraham, to whom she provides constant help and support, as Abraham is a shy, withdrawn and insecure boy, mainly due to the complex relationship between he and his parents. But everything changes when Daniel — Abraham’s father — dies in a strange accident, the cause of which is unclear. From this moment on, Alex finds herself on a hallucinatory journey that takes her on a descent into hell, where the line between reality and nightmare becomes blurred to the point that Alex begins to question the foundations of her very existence.”

Descent into hell? Hallucinatory journey? The line between reality and nightmare becomes blurred? Sounds like Alex has been hanging out in the same bars as me.

The Good Exorcist

THE GOOD EXORCIST (February 21, 2019/El Rey/VOD)
“A socially awkward but reliable exorcist attempts to remove a difficult demon from a ranch owned by an eccentric family in Texas. However, the demon proves to be more difficult than the priest assumed it would be.”

Since this is on a ranch, I totally bet the demon is cow. Hey, it’s got horns and shoots some sort of evil fluid from each of its four unholy dangle-y squirt gun type things under its swim suit area. Evil is pronounced “moo” in its hellish language.

Spider-Man: Far From Home

SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME (July 5, 2019)
“Our friendly neighborhood superhero decides to join his best friends Ned, MJ, and the rest of the gang on a European vacation. However, Peter’s plan to leave super heroics behind for a few weeks are quickly scrapped when he begrudgingly agrees to help Nick Fury uncover the mystery of several elemental creature attacks, creating havoc across the continent.”

Just like the last movie (Spider-Man: Homecoming/2017, in case you forgot), the trailer for the new one is so ridiculously cool, you almost don’t need to see the movie. But you’ll just have to. And Spider-Man teaming up with Mysterio? I just webbed my pants.

The Change Over

THE CHANGE OVER (2019)
“Sixteen year-old Laura Chant lives with her mother and four-year-old brother Jacko in a low-rent suburb on the edge of earthquake-scarred Christchurch, New Zealand. Laura is drawn into a supernatural battle with an ancient spirit who attacks Jacko and slowly drains the life out of him as the spirit becomes ever younger. Laura discovers her true identity and the supernatural ability within her, and must harness it to save her brother’s life.”

There’s a place called, Christchurch? Sounds like a good place for a Holy war to me. That the place is actually real and is plagued by earthquakes makes me wanna move there and get a front row pew.  

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 2, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas Tinner

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

Christmas Tinner

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Christmas Tinner

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

Elves

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

Leprechaun Returns

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

Altered Skin

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

The Returned

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

Morbid Colors

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

Digging Up Mummies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attack of the Aztec Mummy

First in an action-packed early model Mexican sci-fi horror trilogy, Attack of the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Momia Azteca/1957) pits the gauze god getting in a Texas ballet with the clearly mad scientist Dr. Krupp (he eats his lines like Jaws eats a human bologna sandwich).

Curse of the Aztec Mummy

The Mummy (whose pre-interred name is Popoca) then goes on to again chop unfinished beef with Krupp in Curse of the Aztec Mummy (aka, La Maldición de la Momia Azteca/1957). And yes, it was over a girl and some sort of ornamental chestware you’d might find in Dollar Tree stores. (They’re in the back.)

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

Not able to just let it go, Popoca locks up with a mechanical adversary in The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy (La Momia Azteca contra el Robot Humano/ 1958). Who’s he gonna pick a fight with next — Johnson & Johnson™ Band-Aids vs. The Aztec Mummy)? Maybe it has something to with the fact he’s been dead for so long, he bleeds dust and he didn’t sleep well the last few thousand nights.

Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy

Not related to this gripping tale of dead-and-yet-not antihero’s speechless tirades is Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy (aka, Las Luchadoras contra la Momia/1964), in which the Mumster takes on street gangs, more evil scientists and…GALS THAT GRAPPLE! Guess who won? And you better not say evil scientist.

Aztec Mummy

On an interesting or “interesante” P.S. note, all three Aztec Mummy movies were filmed back to back, probably so as to not let the mummy get all uptight and subsequently unwound. Heh. 

Meatloaf Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 28, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godmonster of Indian Flats

The Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) is neither. He/she/its an 8-foot mutant sheep born of the poisonous mustard-colored gas seeping from Virginia City’s old mine outside of Reno, Nevada, The Biggest Little City In The World™. (The have loose craps there.)

Godmonster of Indian Flats

The town’s historical/hysterical mayor wants to capture the misshapen creature and sell tickets to see this “Eighth Wonder of the World.” Hello — King Kong™ already owns that title, dumbass.

Godmonster of Indian FlatsProfessor Clemens and his plain-as-paint assistant Mariposa want to study the creature. Eddie, a down-on-his-luck shepherd, is standing by as he was the one who found the beast when it was just the size of a glistening meatloaf, claiming ownership. And Godmonster, kept in a glass incubator with mustard-colored gas being pumped in, grows about a foot a day. In height, not as in needing an extra shoe.

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Unfortunately, most of the movie is spent on an African-American real estate broker who is looking to buy the old mine for his clients, but meets resistance from the town’s old school ways. Mayor Silverdale is a racist and sets up Barnstable (the real estate dude — awful name) for a crime he didn’t commit just so he and his cronies can hunt it down and throw an old fashioned Texas necktie party.

Godmonster of Indian Flats

But Godmonster will not stand for such social prejudices. Breaking out of his confines, he shambles across the land, looking like the world’s most disgusting laundry basket with an oatmeal face. Mariposa, who raised him from the toaster oven, tracks the butt-ugly beast in hopes of convincing it to return to the lab. Of the numerous you-gotta-be-kidding-me scenes, it’s the one where Mariposa starts dancing with Godmonster as she tries to calm him down. Where’s mustard-colored gas when you need it?

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Two more scenes of mess destruction occur when the creature crashes a little girl’s outdoor birthday party, resulting in the dropping of hot dog and the scattering of potato chip. The second one is slightly more graphic, and ends with a gas station being blown up. If you’re gonna roast hot dogs, now would be the time to do it. 

Godmonster of Indian Flats

Eventually GM is surrounded by cowboys on horseback, hog-tied and put on display for profit. As Mayor Silverdale whips the crowd into a frenzy, they turn on him — and Godmonster, too. Guilt by association. Apparently, the slow-leaking gas affects humans just as much. Think of it as farting times a million.

Godmonster of Indian FlatsGodmonster, caught in the middle of it all, ends up in the garbage dump. All he wanted to do was rock hard and ride free, but The Man wouldn’t let him. I think there is a lesson to be learned here. If only I knew what it was.

No Zip Code For This Ghost Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Town

A gang of cowboy (and cow lady) thugs shoot up an old west town, killing everyone, even though a local priest is brought in to save them. This would be acceptable behavior for outlaws in the 1800s, except these particular ruffians made a deal with the Devil for immortality. Why, I have no idea.

Ghost Town

Jump ahead to yesterday where a college school bus trip accidentally ends up in that same town where the souls of the ghosts are zooming around. Yes, zooming. Armed with a never ending supply of ghost bullets, the cowspooks kill off each teacher and student as if roll-calling attendance.

Ghost Town

One kid who has a thing for numbers, determines that there are seven Ankhs (which look like upside-down hangman nooses) strategically anchored around the town, forming a pentagram. (You’d only need four to form a telegram. Heh.) One of the Ankhs was removed, which gives the ghosts the keys to the city.

Ghost TownThere’s a Texas burial (put in the ground alive) and a beheading (the new go-to dismemberment), and two horny students impaled to the barn door (a bucket of cold water would’ve had almost the same effect).

Ghost Town

But the only thing worse than the characters is the dialogue, premise, dialogue, special effects, dialogue, corny digital blood, and dialogue. When the ghosts appear and disappear, their faces morph into skulls for one second. It won’t take you that long to make Ghost Town (2009) disappear from your TV screen.

Texas Tea Terror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Damned Thing

As a kid living in a small Texas town, Kevin Reddle one day saw his dad suddenly snap, take a shotgun and aerate mom’s gut, and chase him out into the lightning-filled night with the intention of getting in some more target practice. But the “damn thing” got to him first, sucking him down into the ground in an oily quicksand.

The Damned Thing

Twenty years later, Kevin is the town sheriff, and he still lives in the “house that dad shot up.” This caused his hot wife and young son to move out as Kev can’t seem to get that horrible night out of his mind, even going so far as to outfit his place with a video camera surveillance system. He’s still on good terms with the wife, but she won’t move back in until all the cameras go. He’ll need ’em — there’s something causing the town’s people to freak out and kill themselves — and not in a good way. One guy turns a hammer onto his own face, thinking his nose was a nail. The local priest is gettin’ all sermon-y and self-righteous-y and seems to sense Hell is coming. (Don’t they all?)

The Damned ThingSheriff Reddle finds his father’s locked box and, after many drinks of refreshing whiskey, decides to open it. He finds newspaper clippings telling about how oil was found in Sturgis, a neighboring town back in the day. Shortly after liberating that slick Texas Tea, people starting going crazy and killing each other. Turns out his grandfather was one of those oil guys. The same thing happened to his dad’s dad, with the mind suddenly getting mad to the point of mindless mass murder. And that damn thing has come back.

The Damned ThingThe town goes bonkers. Meanwhile, Reddle’s wife and kid are under attack by some unseen force that’s shaking their trailer home around like Jiffy-Pop™. The sky is cracking in half with non-stop lightning. Taking them back to the house, the damn thing finds Reddle…and now he really wants to shoot his wife and kid, probably in the face or some other part of the head.

The Damned Thing

With gunshots and thunder and something shrieking and shaking up his house, he tries to get to his family for murdering purposes. Reddle goes outside and confronts the evil that has trespassed. The ground turns into a swimming pool of oil and a huge gooey creature rises out of it to swallow him whole. The Damned Thing (2006) was good up until this point, but they wrecked it by throwing in a ridiculous “monster” to explain it all. I’d have liked it better if everyone just got drunk and went around hammering their faces. Would’ve made way more sense. To me, anyway.