Archive for Texas

No Zip Code For This Ghost Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Town

A gang of cowboy (and cow lady) thugs shoot up an old west town, killing everyone, even though a local priest is brought in to save them. This would be acceptable behavior for outlaws in the 1800s, except these particular ruffians made a deal with the Devil for immortality. Why, I have no idea.

Ghost Town

Jump ahead to yesterday where a college school bus trip accidentally ends up in that same town where the souls of the ghosts are zooming around. Yes, zooming. Armed with a never ending supply of ghost bullets, the cowspooks kill off each teacher and student as if roll-calling attendance.

Ghost Town

One kid who has a thing for numbers, determines that there are seven Ankhs (which look like upside-down hangman nooses) strategically anchored around the town, forming a pentagram. (You’d only need four to form a telegram. Heh.) One of the Ankhs was removed, which gives the ghosts the keys to the city.

Ghost TownThere’s a Texas burial (put in the ground alive) and a beheading (the new go-to dismemberment), and two horny students impaled to the barn door (a bucket of cold water would’ve had almost the same effect).

Ghost Town

But the only thing worse than the characters is the dialogue, premise, dialogue, special effects, dialogue, corny digital blood, and dialogue. When the ghosts appear and disappear, their faces morph into skulls for one second. It won’t take you that long to make Ghost Town (2009) disappear from your TV screen.

Texas Tea Terror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Damned Thing

As a kid living in a small Texas town, Kevin Reddle one day saw his dad suddenly snap, take a shotgun and aerate mom’s gut, and chase him out into the lightning-filled night with the intention of getting in some more target practice. But the “damn thing” got to him first, sucking him down into the ground in an oily quicksand.

The Damned Thing

Twenty years later, Kevin is the town sheriff, and he still lives in the “house that dad shot up.” This caused his hot wife and young son to move out as Kev can’t seem to get that horrible night out of his mind, even going so far as to outfit his place with a video camera surveillance system. He’s still on good terms with the wife, but she won’t move back in until all the cameras go. He’ll need ’em — there’s something causing the town’s people to freak out and kill themselves — and not in a good way. One guy turns a hammer onto his own face, thinking his nose was a nail. The local priest is gettin’ all sermon-y and self-righteous-y and seems to sense Hell is coming. (Don’t they all?)

The Damned ThingSheriff Reddle finds his father’s locked box and, after many drinks of refreshing whiskey, decides to open it. He finds newspaper clippings telling about how oil was found in Sturgis, a neighboring town back in the day. Shortly after liberating that slick Texas Tea, people starting going crazy and killing each other. Turns out his grandfather was one of those oil guys. The same thing happened to his dad’s dad, with the mind suddenly getting mad to the point of mindless mass murder. And that damn thing has come back.

The Damned ThingThe town goes bonkers. Meanwhile, Reddle’s wife and kid are under attack by some unseen force that’s shaking their trailer home around like Jiffy-Pop™. The sky is cracking in half with non-stop lightning. Taking them back to the house, the damn thing finds Reddle…and now he really wants to shoot his wife and kid, probably in the face or some other part of the head.

The Damned Thing

With gunshots and thunder and something shrieking and shaking up his house, he tries to get to his family for murdering purposes. Reddle goes outside and confronts the evil that has trespassed. The ground turns into a swimming pool of oil and a huge gooey creature rises out of it to swallow him whole. The Damned Thing (2006) was good up until this point, but they wrecked it by throwing in a ridiculous “monster” to explain it all. I’d have liked it better if everyone just got drunk and went around hammering their faces. Would’ve made way more sense. To me, anyway.

Decadent Puppets and Strippers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Decadent Evil II

Picking up where Decadent Evil (2005) left off, Ivan’s body (the legendary midget vampire hunter) lies in state. Meaning he’s dead…sort of…and being carried around in a duffel bag by a supermodel vampire named Sugar. (A nod to Basket Case/1982, perhaps?)

Decadent Evil II

Also along for the ride is the midget vampire’s dad — Marvin the homunculus — being kept in a birdcage because he’s been turned into a shrunken red puppet. He can only grunt, but Sugar has no problem understanding him. This makes her human boyfriend understandably jealous. I would be.

Decadent Evil II

Following clues that will lead to the king vampire and possibly a way to resurrect Marvin’s sorta dead son, Sugar and her non-bloodsucking mattress mate get jobs at a local strip club: She does Texas lap dances for cash (with her top on), he sprays antiseptic on the urinals. They believe the club owner is the king vampire whose been eating neck bacon and leaving the bodies along the Interstate.

Decadent Evil II

In order for him to become invincible he needs to leave perma-hickeys on 10,000 blood-gooshing throats — and he has two left to go. Helping him is a couple other vampires —another stripper that doesn’t take her top off and the club’s bouncer.

Decadent Evil II

But the jig is up for Sugar and her knob of a boyfriend. Taken to a junkyard for the final ritual, the pants lamely get pulled down on the king vampire who turns out to be somebody you didn’t think would be a king vampire. If you were paying attention to the “plot” you would’ve figured it out halfway in.

Decadent Evil II

A can of tomato juice costs more than Decadent Evil II’s (2007) entire crap ass special effects budget. And what’s up with all the strippers not stripping? Yep, can’t wait to give all my money to girls to wear clothes. And if there’s anything worse about this 3rd grade script, it’s the final scene where a hottie vampire — tied to a bed with rope and bulbs of garlic — is served up doggy style by the shrunken red puppet. As entertainment value goes, though, you’re better off playing with your own shrunken red puppet.

A Monster’s Monster Truck

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster Man

Two guys head cross country to attend a wedding. One is a wussy, the other a beer-gutted loudmouth. Along the way a truck straight out of Mad Max (1979) attacks and almost kills them in half. They get back at the truck by peeing in the driver’s seat at a gas station. (This is a long set-up and I simply do not have the time to go into detail about it right now.)

Monster Man

Later, they pick up a scorchingly hot chick in fishnets and loose top whose hitchhiking to nowhere. The loudmouth makes his play, but she’s into the nerd and later de-virginizes him. Four times. But the monster truck is back on their trail and smashes their red station wagon into a Texas pancake.

Monster Man

The loudmouth looks like he got killed by the driver whose mutant face appears to be taped together by industrial staples. The hot chick and nerd find a run-down house and in it a corpse who doesn’t have a stomach cavity, yet can still talk.

Monster Man

The nerd discovers it was all an elaborate trap to get him inside the house as the chick is the mutant monster man and talking corpse’s sister. She’s also a witch, whose spells has kept the corpse alive and yappin’ until she could find another body for her brother.

Monster ManMonster Man (2003) is freakin’ funnier than all heckaroo. The loudmouth has a ton of great lines (“Dude, I’m a corpse burrito!”) and the chick (who shows one of her boobs — she has a spare) is dripping with hotness. There’s tons of squishy gore, a couple of pencil jabs to the eyes, a town full of amputees (that plays into the story line and are not there for gratuitous reasons) and talking roadkill. And even though it has pee stains, I totally want to drive Monster Man’s truck. You would, too, if only you’d watch this movie.

Udder Horror

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Isolation

Dan Reilly is a farmer. But unlike ’Ol MacDonald, who also had a farm, In Isolation (2005), Dan is severely broke, so he has to rent his cows out for genetic research. That, or lose his late father’s farm, full of knee deep mud and cow poop. (Hey Dan — have you though about growing popcorn trees?)

Isolation

Bovine Genetics Technology has been paying him cash to inject his one of his pregnant cows with a serum that will make them grow faster and produce juicer hamburgers. The opening scene has a research scientist sticking her arm (all the way up to her shoulder) into a cow’s outgoing hay chute. Why, oh why didn’t I turn off the DVD player right then and there?

Isolation

Something bit her hand. I’m’ thinking it was a baby alligator ’Ol MacDonald flushed down the sewer and one of Dan’s cows ate it and…sorry. Later, the cow goes into labor and the calf gets stuck between cowhole and freedom. The scene where Dan and a young couple on the run found squatting near his property assist the delivery process is one of the ickiest horror scenes ever scene. It’s almost enough to make you swear off juicy cow burgers and baby alligators.

Isolation

The newborn abomination, horribly disfigured by science, makes with the biting, which results in a nail gun defense strategy. Dan is the opposite of happy. He expresses this to the doctor who is wrecking his burger factories. But science cannot be denied, nor can the parasitic embryos still alive in the dead cows.

Isolation

As in The Thing (1982), it’s determined that no one can leave the farm, as the science cow is loaded with infectious what-nots and has the distinct probability of destroying humanity, vegetarians included. While you never get to see science cow in all its inside-out glory, this thing seems to be all teeth, causing udder, uh, utter chaos as it goes on the attack.

Isolation

It should be stated that crawling under the floorboards of a barn where cows turn hay into Texas pancakes is disgusting beyond belief, yet necessary for one’s survival. Only one makes it out alive. Who was it — the cow, the doctor, Dan, the squatter guy who knocked up his girlfriend after the cow bit him? The knocked up girlfriend? I’d crawl under a wet, infected barn before I ever told you.

Swappin’ Spit With Mummy

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mummy's KIss

Four Centuries ago Princess Ankahnten — that saucy little minx with fewer morals than me — was mummified for showing her boobs and other stuff involving nakedness. Good thing they moved her top-heavy corpse to Los Angeles where all those supermodels walk the Earth so she can lick up, uh, pick up where she left off.

The Mummy's Kiss

You see, the Egyptian Sorceress was given a Texas funeral for dabbling in forbidden pleasures of the booty. This was 3,000 years ago, well before the booty was invented. So you can see why it was deemed illegal.

The Mummy's Kiss

Now, reincarnated through the satanic forces of special effects, the oddly undecomposed (yet hot) Princess Ankahnten is trying to track down the reincarnation of her lost love — a personal comfort device. Um, I mean, ex-girlfriend. Same thing, I suppose.

The Mummy's Kiss

Connect the dots from there. After a while it all gets boring, but be careful not to get lube all over the remote.

Ghost Tenants, Social Media Killers, Paranormal Secret Service

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Sharks, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

Don’t know why I’m so enamored with all the Justice League key art. Having written about it numerous times, this is the latest poster, FINALLY featuring Supermanwithout a mustache, as been a point of contention in the news lately.

In honor of the cookie duster-less Superman, I have decided to shave my legs. (I can’t seem to grow facial hair — must be some red kryptonite laying around here somewhere, probably under the couch.)

Speaking of personal grooming, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put hair on your upper lip…

House on Rodeo Gulch

HOUSE ON RODEO GULCH (available now/VOD)
“Uprooted from her childhood home in Texas by her father’s new job, seventeen-year-old Shani Peterson moves to California with her new step-mom, Denise. Their new home, located deep in the redwoods of Central California is a dream come true…until it’s not. With an over friendly Reverend and his alcoholic assistant as their only neighbors, Shani and Denise must unearth the haunting mysteries of the house and its history, before they lose their home, or lives.”

A Reverend and alcoholic assistants? Sounds like my neighborhood. With all that booze floating around, no wonder the place is filled with “spirits”. Heh. Wonder if Denise is single — maybe we could out for a drink since there seems to be a plentiful supply.

Mother

MOTHER! (September 15, 2017)
“A couple’s relationship is tested when uninvited guests arrive at their home, disrupting their tranquil existence.”

Let’s call it what it is — relatives. The gorgeous Jennifer Lawrence is starring in this one. She’s done sci-fi (Passengers/2016), so why not horror?

Tragedy Girls

TRAGEDY GIRLS (2017)
Sadie and McKayla are two social-media obsessed best friends who will stop at nothing to build their online following. The self-titled ‘Tragedy Girls’ kidnap Lowell, an unambitious local serial killer, and force him to mentor them into modern horror legends by committing murders to blow up on the Internet. As the bodies fall, the girls become national news and panic in their small town hits a fever pitch — just then, Lowell escapes! Now with the local Sheriff closing in and their relationship on the rocks, the girls must rethink their plan before they find themselves the latest victims of their own killing spree.

An unambitious serial killer? That’s like saying “peckish great white shark.” As for the social media-obsessed girls, sounds like they won’t be a problem for much longer.

The Rook

THE ROOK (2018)
“A young woman who wakes up in a London park suffering amnesia and surrounded by bodies, all wearing latex gloves. As she attempts to uncover her past and her role as head of Britain’s supernatural secret service, she discovers she has peculiar abilities, all while being pursued by paranormal adversaries.”

This one sounds cool. Heck, put me in — I have latext gloves under the sink, right next to the unused bottle of Pine-sol™ and unopened packages of paranormal adversaries.