Archive for Universal

A London Werewolf in London

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 21, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wolfman

“Lawrence, you’ve been a very bad boy…” 

The understatement of the century. And it accurately frames the 2010 re-boot of Universal’s least-groomed monster, The Wolfman.

The Wolfman

After tearing up the 1891 countryside and all of its inhabitants like sale-priced steak tartar, Lawrence Talbot, actor and marauding werewolf, should probably be sent to his room. Or the dungeon, at the very least. And the drag of it is, it’s not Larry’s fault. He was only in town to attend his brother’s funeral and to find out who — or what — killed him. The Wolfman

The locals think he was dispatched by the dancing bear the gypsies keep tied up at their camp out in the werewolf-infested woods. (In all fairness, the clues do point to a criminal bear, dance floor skills notwithstanding.) During a full moon raid on the camp, the police are overwhelmed by something whizzing by and opening the Christmas presents that are human torsos, limbs, and heads. Larry pursues, only to be mortally wounded by the beast. Whew — the bear finally has a corroborated alibi!

The Wolfman

Larry’s healing powers are remarkable. Sir John, his dad, encourages Larry to let the “inner beast run wild.” (In those days, that meant eating people, not zooming around without underwear.) After a particularly robust night out on the moors removing heads, arms, and those icky wiggly organs, the cops show up the next day and arrest Larry, taking him to Lamberth Mental Care Health Facility (“asylum” for short), where he was once interred as a kid for treatment for social problems after seeing his mother die before his eyes. Yes, this is a clue to his current status.

The Wolfman

Larry the Wolf gets loose in London and has a few hours to kill before calling it a night. He doesn’t waste time wasting people; you’d think there was a raw meat parade in town by the way he chews up the sights.

The Wolfman

Gwen Conliffe, Larry’s dead brother’s fiancé, becomes hip to the chili con carnage and thinks she can help Larry. Don’t girls know anything? Love isn’t the answer  — heavy artillery is.

The Wolfman

The final sequence is a real tail-puller, with Larry coming to grips with his disease and getting into one last dogfight before… C’mon, you knew how this was gonna end. Or did you? They wisely left the pet door open for a sequel that sadly never happened. Otherwise, a good time was had by all. Up to, and including the dancing bear. 

Dinosaur Food, Multi-Headed Sharks, Post-Apocalyptic Criminals

Posted in Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dino Food

Gotta hand it to film marketers — Universal™ teamed up with Kellogg Co.™ (the folks behind such nutritiously sugarized cereal like Honey Smacks™,  Kellogg’s Smorz™ and Kream Krunch™) to cross promote Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (June 22, 2019) by putting a dinosaur on the box cover as well as (here comes the genius part) an embedded digital screen that offers Jurassic fans an exclusive five-minute compilation of behind-the-scenes footage from the making of the movie. 

From the press release: “The collector’s editions of the Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom packages will cost $24.99 each (plus shipping). Quantities are very, very limited: Kellogg has produced a total of only 200 boxes. The Kellogg’s packages with the embedded digital screens and Jurassic World-themed packaging are available for purchase on Amazon.com.”

Dino Food

“The videos in the embedded digital player will include clips showing how the filmmakers brought the Jurassic World dinosaurs to life and how they used a roller coaster to capture the actors’ reactions when they’re in the Jurassic World gyrosphere. The special packages have a 7-inch screen with 1024-by-600 resolution. The special Frosted Flakes™ package features Blue, the intelligent female velociraptor from the new movie, while the Keebler Fudge Stripes™ box showcases a T-rex.”

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

That is so cool, I can’t even think of a better word to describe it, except that the Keebler™ box isn’t the only thing that’ll end up with a fudge stripe on it. So while I go in search of the cereal (it should come with Jurassic World moist towelette coupons), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that, like a T-rex, may or may not be your first choice for first meal of the day…

The Domestics

THE DOMESTICS (June 28, 2018)
“A post-apocalyptic world is inhabited by murderous gangs divided into deadly factions. Characters race desperately across the lawless countryside in search of safety.”

Sounds like my weekly grocery run. And why is it murderous gangs are always the ones running the post-apocalyptic world? What happened to all the bartenders?

6-Headed Shark Attack

6-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (August 28, 2018)
“Attendees of a marriage boot camp on a remote island have to fight a six-headed shark that attacks the beach.”

If you’re attending a marriage boot camp, then you deserve to get chewed out by a six-headed shark. Hate to be the one who cleans up after its meals, though; I’d need a front-loader.

Megalodon

MEGALODON (August 31, 2018)
“A military vessel is on the search for an unidentified submersible and comes face to face with the massive shark known as Megalodon.”

One guess as to who is ripping off The Meg (August 10, 2018) to ride its box office wave. The film studio name rhymes with “Ass I Am.”

Boarding School

BOARDING SCHOOL (August 31, 2018)
“When troubled 12-year-old Jacob Felsen is sent away to boarding school, he enters every kid’s worst nightmare: A creepy old mansion, deserted except for six other teenage misfits and two menacing and mysterious teachers. As events become increasingly horrific, Jacob must conquer his fears to find the strength to survive.”

Used to be running willy nilly through a creepy, deserted mansion would be the stuff of dreams to a 12-year-old kid. Nowadays, if there isn’t a wi-fi connection, a kid isn’t gonna give you the time of day. No apps for giving a f*ck, I suppose.

Steel Monsters, Dying As Art, Hell Boys & Girls

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hank Boyd Is Dead

I’ve come to the unassailable conclusion that laying on the couch (in any direction) should be recognized as a form of exercise. And like working out, are you not tired after seven hours of laying there watching monster movies? Same as exercise. I rest my case.

Speaking of things that are lazy, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies (or “films”) that may or may not had  some sort of effort put into with the title or the plot…

HANK BOYD IS DEAD (June 27, 2017)
“Struggling actress/caterer Sarah Walsh is left alone to tend to the post-funeral gathering for Hank Boyd, a quiet loner who stood accused of a horrific crime. She knew Hank in high school and finds it hard to believe that he could do anything terrible. However, her opinion begins to change after she meets Hank’s brother David as the family’s secrets are exposed and the bodies pile up. If she hopes to survive and all because…Hank Boyd is dead.”

Sounds more like a CW™ mini series than a movie. Boring title, which indicates “meh” across the board. And before you start e-yelling at me for prejudging, I have watched “horror” movies almost exactly like this for years and decided to move on to more entertaining ventures, like street corner begging and dumpster diving.

The Wolf Man

UNIVERSAL CLASSIC MONSTERS (September 12, 2017/Best Buy)
“Seven classic Universalmonster movies are getting the steelbook treatment, each featuring stunning black & white art by Alex Ross. The following films will be part of the collection: The Wolf Man (1941), The Invisible Man (1933), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Mummy (1932), Dracula (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and Frankenstein (1931).

Gotta hand it to Universal for finding new ways to re-package the same seven monster movies they built their empire on nearly 90 years ago. This time they’re putting the classic horror movies in steel boxes, not unlike what you would put a peanut butter sandwich in to nosh on during recess.

This is not a new concept; World Market™, purveyors of over-priced wicker couches, has been selling Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein metal hors devours trays every Halloween for years. I have the whole set. Still don’t know what “hors devours” are (sounds like a cannibal hooker). But licensed and over-priced trays are handy to put snacks on. Not crackers, though; those dang things slide right off onto your shag carpet, where crumbs are nearly impossible to get out.

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID ( 2017/2018)
Flesh of the Void is an extreme experimental horror feature, visualizing what it could feel like if the act of dying was a truly horrible experience. Shot extensively on Super 8 and 16mm, it is intended as a disjointed, surreal trip through the deepest and most violent fears of the human condition, depicting its subject in a radical, grotesque and raw manner, refusing to shy away from societal taboos.”

Pfffft — I go through the act of dying every time the bartender yells, “Last call!” Do like the premise, though, as I pretty much assumed kicking the bucket was a black (or white) affair. Black is where you go if you have unresolved anti-Bible skeletons in your closet. Or some ratty farm with Black Phillip landlording the place. I have no reference to the white end game. Maybe a Seattle beach during one of the three days it actually sunshines up here and everybody comes out of their caves with nearly translucent and sickly skin.

Hellboy: Rose of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY: RISE OF THE BLOOD QUEEN (in production/2018)
“This franchise reboot is reportedly aiming for an R-rating and a horror movie style. In the Hellboy comics, the ‘Queen of Blood’ is a powerful British witch, also known as The Lady of the Lake.”

Lady of the Lake. Wasn’t that the name of a tepid M. Night Shyamalan movie back in 2006? And wasn’t in a condo swimming pool as opposed to a lake? I would’ve changed the movie’s title, too; Lady in the Swimming Pool just doesn’t have enough zing. But I digress — happy to see Hellboy being re-booted. Now if they could just do the same thing with Plastic Man