Embroidered Horror, Latino Zombies, Demonic Revenge

Artist George Coghill, from Kent, OH, sells himself as a Monsterologist. George makes colorful embroidered patches of every cryptid in the entire world. Okay, maybe not the entire world, but more than you count on 50 fingers. These freakin’ cool 3”x3” patches, which includes large back patches (10”x11”), depict everything from Area 51, the The Jersey Devil and Mothman to the Kraken, The Loveland Frogman and the Hopkinsville Aliens. So yeah, he more than earns the title.

From George’s Monsterologist Etsy™ storefront: “Embroidered patches, stickers, buttons, enamel pins and more. Monsters, cryptids, Halloween and other fun paranormal-themed items, including Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch, aliens, UFOs, ghosts, Halloween, Krampus and more.” Prices range from $3 to $46 (the aforementioned back patches), and you get EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ’EM by clicking this.

So while we all refresh our wardrobe by adorning ’em with these beyond cool paranormal patches, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have loose threads (you got that joke, yes?)…

CHOLO ZOMBIES / Out now (YouTube™)

“A comedy horror film about zombie absurdity where only true Cholos turn and SoCal’s legal system is a little too lenient. Not to be confused with Cholo Zombies Monstro from the same team.”

I saw Cholo Zombies Monstro (2023). That one’s a zombie love story. Even with all the gore, I was tuned off by the romance, which was way more icky than the gore.

THE HOUSE OF THE SERPENT / July 30, 2024 (VOD)

“Naomi is writing a new play at a mountain villa she rented for the summer. Troubled by her thoughts, she calls her friend, actress Mizuki, telling her that there is something in the house. Naomi hears the screams of the children. When Naomi calls Mizuki, they talk about the new play. It’s based on a strange incident about a woman’s disappearance that she saw on a TV program a while ago. The daughter claims that she saw her mother running out into the garden and disappearing without a trace. Then she finds scorch marks on the ground where she vanished.”

Pffft! I leave scorch marks on the ground all the time. P.S. No, thank YOU 7-Eleven™ BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger Roller™.

CAMP TERROR / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

The quiet town of Forrest Lakes was paralyzed by devastating events that took place involving the myth of a bullied child, and his demonic revenge on the campgrounds where he had been murdered long ago. The events that transpired nearly two decades ago at the very location where this urban legend was rumored to occur, focus on the tragedy that plagued a young girl and the unexplained massacre she witnessed that to this day has still gone unsolved. Sheriff Katie Becks has sworn to serve and protect the place where she once lost everything. The infamous Jacob Phelps has yet again resurfaced and is hunting for the one survivor who escaped him. As a group of friends explore the empty campgrounds in search of ghost stories, they will soon find they have found more than they bargained for. Crippling fear and sheer terror are unleashed in what becomes the most disturbing acts this small community has ever seen.”

The most disturbing acts ever seen? Clearly, they’ve never been to the Tug Tavern on $2 Oyster ’n Hornitos Black Barrel™ Shooters Night. Call ahead to reserve a stool. And I’m not talking about a chair.

DECADE OF THE DEAD / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

Ten years after the apocalypse, a group of bounty hunters finds refuge on a tropical island only to discover it’s ruled by a deranged cult leader with plans to take over the post-apocalyptic world. Stuck between the cult and the relentless hordes of the walking dead, the survivors must fight for their lives.”

An oxymoron as all cult leaders are deranged. They have to be — it’s in their charter.

X-Rated Werewolf, Yeti Puppet, Space Snake

Werewolf By Night fans — lift your Nair™ martinis in unison…Marvel Comics™ is rebooting Werewolf by Night with a brand new red band comic book series. And if you don’t know the reference, red band means explicit content. (I have a birthmark that says that.) This is fantastic news for fans of hyper-graphic gore and the heavy metal enthusiasm it takes to embody said gore.

As reported by Bloody-Digusting.com™, “Labeled with a Parental Advisory and poly-bagged to keep those weak of heart from experiencing its intensity, Werewolf by Night will mark a new chapter in the character’s 50-year storytelling history as Jack gets his claws, fangs, and fur blood-soaked like never before!” Bold statements from the comic book creators promise “a book full of intense action and lots of blood.” Just reading that made my mouth water all over my stylish Old Navy™ shirt.

So while we rewatch the Disney+™ Werewolf By Night movie (black and white/color) and the arrival of Werewolf By Night #1 on August 14, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stain your Old Navy™ clothing…

REFUGE / April 19, 2024 (Limited Theaters, VOD)

Sergeant Rick Pedroni returns home to his wife changed and dangerous after suffering an attack by a mysterious force during combat in Afghanistan on his tour of duty.”

Probably dysentery.

THE PRIMEVALS / August 7, 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)

“Deep in the Himalayas, a group of Sherpas subdue and kill a towering humanoid creature. Its remains — including a brain that appears to have undergone some kind of surgery — wind up under the supervision of Dr. Claire Collier, who believes it to be one of the legendary Yeti. Joined by her former student Matt Connor, a longtime believer in the creatures’ existence, big-game hunter Rondo Montana, and others, Dr. Collier leads an expedition into the mountains to track down more of the abominable snowmen. Their trek results in an encounter with a tribe of primitive hominids — which in turn leads to the far more frightening discovery of beings they never could have expected or imagined.”

Couple ‘o things — this project has been in the works for 20 years. The Australian Blu-ray version (Full Moon™ will come out with its own) comes with two different cuts of the stop-motion film and a feature-length documentary, as well as a bunch of extras, none of which includes a coherent plot. 

SSSSSTONER SNAKE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Golimar, an alien from the Planet Scumdoggia, happens to have the appearance of a snake. When his ship crash lands on Terra 420, after an altercation with space police, he searches for a way to get back home. During his adventure, Golimar stumbles upon a man smoking marijuana, who blows the smoke in his face. This unfortunately mutates his DNA, which causes him to become a bloodthirsty killer.”

Did the snake-face alien really mutate or was it just the mind-altering effects of the jazz cabbage? In this context, this isn’t a gateway drug — it’s a Stargateway drug.

TEDDISCARE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man spirals into insanity after his father’s death. He lapses into childish nightmares that bring his fears to adult life. The mind can be deadly, but toys can be killer.”

My childhood nightmares already came true. Turning 21, I freely forfeited my soul and journeyed into the Tug Tavern, aka, the Seventh Layer of Hell. It’s here after you choke down a freshness-expired hot dog covered in condiments in plastic packs shoplifted from a bowling alley, you make your way to the bathroom. And this is where you’ll hear great sorrow moanings and gnashing of teeth coming from within the toilet stall portal-potties. At this point consider yourself biblically unredeemable.

Deathly Decorations, Horrible Horoscopes, Prehistoric Paintball

Horror-themed Christmas tree decorating ideas: Use zombie guts instead of tinsel. Put a cracked, dirty and blood-stained hockey mask on the top with red-blinking lights behind it. And instead of flocking the tree with fake snow, use pus. Or you could click on over to Horrornaments.com for a slay full of unique horror Christmas ornaments to really spruce up your spruce.

Horrornaments.com has everything you need to make your tree as visiting relative-repellent as possible: Zombie Santa, Biohazard Skull, Braindeer, Cthulhu, Dracula Parrot, Gingerdead Man, Krampus, Yeti, Zombie Gnome and even a Christmas Pickle. They have so many ornaments, it’d take me to next Christmas to list ‘em all. And priced $19.99 and less, you should buy ’em all and put up seven Christmas trees in your living room. Just don’t invite the Fire Department over for the holidays.

So while we all snag the Christmas Pickle before it sells out (and it will), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not contain scenes overflowing with holiday pus…

REFLECT / January 9, 2024 (VOD)

“Unhappy with her current relationship, Summer sets out on a road trip to Sedona, AZ, accompanied by her four gal pals to a spiritual obstacle course. Upon arriving, they are greeted by Hermes, their uncanny host, who leads them into the vast desertscape which becomes the foreground for the inter-dimensional game show they unknowingly are participating in. Transported, they begin a colorful, surrealistic journey of the soul, diving into issues surrounding trauma, mental health, and female relationships. The girls start to go missing one by one as we discover mysterious hooded figures are following them. As the tension rises, who will figure out how to escape this and become the last one standing, ultimately winning The Game of Life?”

Inter-dimensional game show — pfffft! Sounds like these hippy dipsticks were transported to Woodstock.

THE SEEDING / January 26, 2024 (VOD)

“When a hiker gets lost in the desert, a gang of feral children — propelled by haunting legacies — traps him in a sadistic battle for survival with a frightening endgame.”

I thought all children were feral.

HORRORSCOPE / May 10, 2024 (VOD)

“After getting their horoscopes read a group of college friends begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes.”

I had my horoscope done by a vending machine at the Puyallup Fair last summer. The results: “You desperately strive to stand out of the crowd, and you display your non-conformism. But sometimes the situation gets out of control, and you become a misfit, totally maladjusted to your environment.” Never doubt the wisdom of vending machines. 

PTERODACTYL 2 / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“A rural paintball weekend getaway turns into a living hell.” 

Weirdo plot, but that’s all this British monster movie will tell us. They also want us to know this is the sequel to Pterodactyl (2022). Noted.

Wining About Horror, Annual Hell, Bigfoot TV Series

You’ve heard the term “final girl” in regards to horror movies, but may not know the reference: The “final girl” is a trope in horror films, particularly slasher films, and refers to the last girl or woman alive to confront the killer, ostensibly the one left to tell the story. (I totally knew what it meant, and yet I still copied it off the Internet.) A killer (sorry) example would be Laurie Strode in Halloween (1978), who barely escaped Michael Myers’ stab (sorry) at murdering. Fun fact: The term “final girl” was coined by Carol J. Clover in her 1992 book, Men, Women, and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film. 

And what chick drink should be used to celebrate not being murdered? Why, Final Girl wine, of course! Final Girl Wines, located in Los Alamos, CA, is a culmination of the wine farmer’s mutual love of horror movies and pretentious sipping juice. The approachable blends range from Petit Verdot and Pet Nat Chenin Blanc to Dolcetto and Pet Nat Rose of Dolcetto. I have no idea WTF any of that means, but their food pairing suggestions include fish tacos, red meat, meatballs, BBQ chicken pizza, lasagna, fish & chips, Smash burgers, BBQ, sausages, and chocolate cake. (My suggested pairing: drink Final Girl wine with Smash burgers because you drink alcohol to get smashed. See what I just did there?)

So while you silly wine drinkers click this to get a $20 bottle or two of Final Girl wine instead of beer (subject to Happy Hour market price), which pairs with itself and EVERY food on the planet, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not carry a cork fee…

MALAM PARA JAHANAM / Out now (Indonesia), Release pending US

“A village haunted by evil spirits is plagued with suffering three nights of hell annually.”

Only three nights? Try being married. P.S. I’m not married…but I’ve heard things. P.S.S. The title translates to Night of the Wicked. You should probably write that down. Just in case.

SCREATURE OF THE LAGOON / December 26, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“Matt Logan, an ex-special forces soldier and known as the man who can track down anyone, is given the job of finding a military experiment-gone-wrong known as Screature. Logan leads his band of mercenaries into the woods on what might be their final mission: find Screature and return it.”

The military has to hire the military. That’s like hiring a barber to cut another barber’s hair. 

BOGGY CREEK — THE SERIES / December 26, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

Head to the legendary backwoods of Boggy Creek, Arkansas in the complete first season of Boggy Creek — The Series. Join the American Yeti Project as they investigate the strange events surround the spooky swamp and its unique denizens. You’ll encounter the Witch of Boggy Creek, the Scarecrow of Boggy Creek, and the fabled Bigfoot monster itself.”

This one’s based on The Legend of Boggy Creek, a 1972 American docudrama horror film about a Bigfoot-type creature seen/encountered in Fouke, AK since the 1940s. That makes Bigfoot around 80 years old. He doesn’t look a day over 60. Chalk that up to a healthy outdoor lifestyle.

MAYHEM! / January 5, 2024 (VOD, Theaters)

“Sam is a professional boxer about to be released from prison in France. But while on parole his past catches up with him and he is forced to flee the country. Five years later, he has rebuilt a simple life on an exotic island in Thailand with his wife and her daughter Dara, working multiple jobs to support his family and buy a piece of land to build a restaurant. As his life begins to improve, a job gone wrong puts Sam in the cross-hairs of local crime lord Narong, who retaliates with brutal violence. Crushed but still alive, Sam is left with only one purpose: to seek merciless and bone-breaking vengeance.”

Merciless bone-breaking violence. Is this a movie or a WWE™ Hell In The Cell pay-per-view?

How Abominable Is This Snow, Man?

Okay, so yeah — I stopped doing this horror/sci-fi movie blog in June of 2019. Was at it for 10 years to the day. I still, though, pop in every so often to approve/reject comments based on how spam-y they are. Was bored today (September 18, 2022) and thought I’d barf up another post just for S&Gs. Will I keep doing this? Maybe-ish. But in the meantime…

Snow Monster (2019), is the Chinese spin on King Kong, which I believe is in a different language than Chinese. I’ll have to do more research.

Speaking of research, a science team in a lab-equipped Sno-Cat, is doing spin-outs around a remote Arctic wasteland, trying to find out why their readings indicate a geo-thermal event. (Somebody must’ve left the lava lamp on.) What they find, besides enough snow to make one trillion billion cocktail ice cubes, is a Yeti with ram horns, or rather one horn as the other looks broken off as if lost in a bar fight.

But this Yeti is 100 feet tall, give or take a few inches. And he eats size-proportionate ice sharks that, get this, swim in ice! WTF? These sharks leap out of the tundra and feast on humans in one big gulp, clothes and all, thereby turning them into (wait for it)…frost bites. Heh.

But the science team gets knocked a cliff and, for all intents, is f’d in the ice-hole. Apparently, no one prepared for things like a dead battery, getting stuck in the snow and rolling 30 times down a cliff. Dumbasses. So now, whoever is left alive, needs rescuing. (See “f’d in the ice-hole.”)

An Indiana Jones drunk dude is hired to find them. He’d rather fight and drink. That is, until he finds out his attractive but cold-as-ice ex is the leader of the science team, so he agrees to lead the recovery team. After he finishes his drink, of course.

Driving a bunch of gun-enhanced teammates up in the hills of China, they find a spooky temple, fall into a black hole, son, and get beaked by prehistoric seagulls. Talk about your peckers of doom. A grenade-type explosion opens a portal to the Arctic, where they literally trip over the wreckage of the science team. It should be noted a clan of snow natives living in caves saved them first. And they’re all dressed like they’re going to spring break in Peoria, IL. (What’s with the mascara and lipstick on the decidedly hot Elder chick? At what Antarctic 7-Eleven™ did she buy that stuff?)

The Elder chick can communicate with Mr. Iced To Meet You and introduces it to their “guests.” I figured he’d just eat ‘em, burp vociferously, and be on his merry way. But no, dang it. And if you didn’t see this coming, the financier of the expedition also found the transportal hole and has showed up with guns and RPGs to capture the Sir Fuzz Fuzz in order to exploit for profit and possibly cash.

Epic snowball fight ensues. Lots of natives and evil guys get aerated by ammunition. But not before two fighter jets come through The Hole and immobilize the Froster in some sort of freeze ray. While this is going on, everybody is still kung-fu fighting (not a racist comment — they were actually doing martial arts). Odd, though, no steam — or “Iced Chi” — was coming out mouths, despite sub-zero temps. The least believable part of the movie.

In conclusion, Snow Monster is for low expectation fans of Kaiju movies, barely bloody, punchy (heh) fight sequences, and snow babes. And hey, the massive creature looks 100% tameable.

P.S. You can watch this free on YouTube™

P.P.S. Stay through the credits.

Aqua Army, Vampire Prisoners, The Listening Dead

Finally getting the first of what will likely be a million different key art posters for the upcoming Aquaman movie (December 21, 2018). They’re off to a good start — tons of sharks, whales and other toothy sea creatures that make up Aquaman’s liquidized soldiers of fortune.

I probably already posted this, but here is the plot again in case you need it to round out your bucket list: “Arthur Curry (Aquaman), the heir to the underwater kingdom of Atlantis, must step forward to lead his people and to be a hero to the world, just as his brother Orm seeks to unite the seven kingdoms against the surface world.”

Count me in as an aqua-ally. In fact, I’m already wearing my moisture-proof swim suit as we speak and am ready to kick some clam.

Here’s a crazy thought, however — where did Aquaman get his tattoos? It’s not like there are underwater tattoo shops within swimming distance. And with him being in the water all the time, wouldn’t the tattoos wash off every high tide? Mine come off every time I take a shower. (That’s the last time I spend all my hard-earned cash on rub-on tattoos. Apparently, quality stands for nothing these days.)

While I finish up my new Superman “S” emblem logo on my chest with a felt pen (let’s see Dove Men’s Body Wash™ make a dent in that), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not pollute one or more of the underwater seven kingdoms… 

FANGED UP (July 30, 2018/UK/DVD)
When self-styled absolute lad Jimmy Ragsdale makes a pass at his boss’ wife, the ensuing brawl seals the deal on a night he’ll never forget — locked in the halls of a hellish prison! Jimmy will have more on his plate than just tough Russian cell mate Victor, however. When the wardens unleash their true vampiric colors, the inmates find themselves caught in a bloody battle that is sure to prove just how ‘hard’ Jimmy really is.”

Absolute Lad. Sounds like a wanna be superhero sidekick with a corduroy cape. The boss’ wide must’ve been some looker in order to risk being locked up with a bunch of vampires. Then again, if you don’t buy a ticket, you can’t win he Lottery.

GOOSEBUMPS 2: HAUNTED HALLOWEEN (October 12, 2018)
“Halloween comes to life in a brand-new comedy adventure based on R.L. Stine’s 400 million-selling series of books.”

Watched the trailer — looks like they’re bringing back a lot of the “monsters” from the first film (Goosebumps/2015). I liked the Yeti, but the werewolf was/is my favorite. He/she/it seems just so darn fun. I bet he’d play fetch with you if you threw him a bone — with a human still attached to it.

JUST A BREATH AWAY (aka, DANS LA BRUME/2018)
“A man and wife are desperately trying to save their daughter from a deadly toxic mist that has engulfed Paris after an earthquake. Only those lucky enough to escape to the rooftops of the city were able to survive; their daughter, who suffers from a genetic condition requiring her to live in a hermetic box that filters the air, is trapped below.”

The deadly toxic mist in Paris? This is what happens when everybody finally eats bowel-cleansing leafy greens instead of butter-fortified croissants for once in their unhealthy lives. Still, better than being stuck in a hermetic box with no access to butter-fortified croissants.

THE NIGHTSHIFTER (2018)
“Stênio works the night shift at a morgue in a very large, very violent city. On the job, he sees cadavers in every conceivable state, often the victims of horrific gang warfare. While most would be rather unsettled by it all, Stênio is not. For the dead speak to him. Not in any metaphorical sense but in a very literal way. Stênio was born with an occult gift and while not everyone would be at ease conversing with mutilated cadavers on slabs, he has learned that there are endless secrets that can be gleaned this way. Related to crime. To prosperity. One day he learns a terrible secret about people in his own life. He commits the sin of acting on knowledge obtained from the dead, cursing himself and those dearest to him in the process.”

A mixed bag hanging out with cadavers. On one hand, they’re really good listeners. But the downside is they all smell like urinal cakes. 

Cash For Monsters, Paranormal TV, Legal Killers

Here’s a slick piece of marketing — Capcom™, maker of video games — has created a promotion around Monster Hunter: World, which has already sold over 5 million copies. Teaming with The Centre of Fortean Zoology founder Jonathan Downes, Capcom™ is offering £50,000 ($70,000 USD) “to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of one of 10 real-life monsters”.

Fellas, get out your checkbook — of the 10 monsters, I have proof of 11. (I put Bigfoot on there twice, because he’s twice as cool as any other cryptid.) If you wanna get in on this paranormal payday action, here’s the list of Capcom’s™ Most Wanted…

• Bigfoot

• The Loch Ness Monster

• Mongolian Death Worm

• Mermaid

• Earth Hound

• The Yeti/Almasty

• Chupacabra

• The Flying Snake of Namibia

• Yowie

• Cornish Owlman

In their press release, Capcom™ says before they cough up the coin, you must provide proof of one of these monsters by June 20, 2018 in order to clock some dollaz. (After receiving the evidence, Downes and his team will analyze it, and any hunter who provides definite proof will be awarded the prize, with multiple winners splitting the pot.)

Just so you know, I’m not splitting my winnings with anyone. My bar tab ain’t gonna pay for itself. (Hint: In bars is where I found most of the monsters. But look in Taco Bell™ restroom toilets for Mongolian Death Worms.)

While you get an expedition together, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth hunting down…

RED EYE (February 9, 2018)
“Gage Barker, a young man who grew up on the tales of Red Eye as a kid, learns that there could be some truth behind these folk tales. This myth covers a violent, deranged masked murderer, who dwells in the backwoods of Black Creek, West Virginia. With a group of his friends and his camera equipment in tow, they hike into the woods to seek him out or to prove that he is nothing more than a myth.”

Violent deranged masked murderer. Four words that go together as seamlessly as “super fun happy slide.” As for the friends going into the woods to look for Red Eye (he has a conjunctivitis prone sister — Pink Eye), I call dibs on anything cool you might own.

UNSANE (March 23, 2018)
“A young woman is involuntarily committed to a mental institution. She is then confronted by her greatest fear…but is it real or is it a product of her delusion?”

Word around the produce aisle is that this movie was shot entirely on an iPhone™. Pfffft — anyone can do that because everybody in the freaking grocery store has an iPhone™. Want to really make an impression? Trying filming a horror movie using only two empty cans of Del Monte™ Creamed Corn™ tethered by a long piece of wax string. All bars in all places.

THE FIRST PURGE (July 4, 2018)
“Behind every tradition lies a revolution. Next Independence Day, witness the rise of our country’s 12 hours of annual lawlessness. Welcome to the movement that began as a simple experiment: The First Purge. To push the crime rate below one percent for the rest of the year, the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) test a sociological theory that vents aggression for one night in one isolated community. But when the violence of oppressors meets the rage of the marginalized, the contagion will explode from the trial-city borders and spread across the nation.”

Thanks to the current political climate, this prequel makes perfect sense. But they’re overlooking the irony; the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) are the ones creating the public’s aggressive behavior. Why else would the clearly Republican paperboy flip me off every day? (Okay, I may have started it. But he should be the bigger person here, the punk.)

OUR HOUSE (2018)
“A young genius accidentally invents a device that amplifies the paranormal activity within his family’s house, possibly bringing back the spirits of loved ones, and unleashing things far worse.”

Uh, no — the “young genius” didn’t invent a paranormal activating amplification device. It’s already been around for multiple decades — and it’s called a “TV”. While mine doesn’t bring back spirits of dead people, if you get the expanded programming package, you can unleash all kinds of things, far worse and beyond.

UFO Anniversary

It was 70 years ago to this minute/day/month that (probably near-sighted) business man/amateur light plane pilot Kenneth Arnorld witnessed what he surmised to be nine flying discs (later deemed “flying saucers” by a newspaper reporter, NOT Kenneth himself), zipping around the snow-cover Mount Rainier in Washington State back on June 24, 1947. This gave birth to UFOs and countless sci-fi movies, documentaries, books/rubber novelty widgets — some true, some false — about the “alien” aircraft. He should’ve copyrighted this stuff; he’d have died rich in 1984 rather than just dying regularly.

What my exhaustive research tells me (my finger is so sore from clicking around the Internet), Mr. Arnold did NOT see flying saucers, but rather happened across the Yeti Annual Shiny Hubcap Hucking Competition held every June on Mount Rainier. (For the record, Rainier is infested with the surprisingly competitive Yeti. Don’t bother double-checking; I already did it for you. You’re welcome.)

But that doesn’t mean UFOs are fake. Quite the contrary; it means that we can rule out that particular event as an extrapolated mistaken identity. All other UFOs are real, though. Even the well-polished ones.

So, Happy Birthday Flying Saucers/Shiny Hubcaps — keep ’em flying.

Spaghetti Made Yeti

Missing link movies got their start with Snow Creature in 1954. I wasn’t hatched yet, so had to wait quite a few years as DNA, then even more as an upright primate to see it. It was worth the wait as it turned me into a life-long fan of hairy creature movies.

Since then there have been hundreds of movies or “films”, short films or “movies”, cameos, TV shows and endless documentaries about the Abominable Snowman/Yeti/ Bigfoot/Sasquatch, from the wretched (Shriek of the Mutilated/1974) and wacky (Six Million Dollar Man: The Return of Bigfoot Parts 1&2/1976), to the wistful (Letters from the Big Man /2011) and wild (Schlock/1973).

One of the more mind-boggling Bigfoot type movies ever is Yeti: The Giant of the 20th Century (aka, Yeti – il gigante del 20. secolo), made in Italy in 1977. In this one a several story tall missing link is discovered encased in a huge block of ice and transported back to civilization – or “Toronto” – in the biggest telephone booth in the world, chained to helicopters. (Note to younger readers: the telephone booth was a sort of “sidewalk cellphone” you had to put physical money in to use.)

Taking his cue from King Kong, the monster dries off, breaks loose, grabs a chick, and goes all caveman on the town. This is caused in part by Jane, the only person who can communicate with the brute (she does this by talking s-l-o-w-l-y). She causes his fuzzy bikini area to get all fluffed up like his hair. With logically no chance of scoring, the only thing to do now is dismantle the city.

I could tell you what happens to Yeti/Toronto, but then you might not watch what could be the best – or worst – movie experience of your entire life. I’ll advise everyone to see Yeti: The Giant of the 20th Century, because it’s not that often a film will leave you with your mouth hanging open.

The Abominable Snowman Is A Bear? Seriously?

This sucks AND blows.

A human ancestry scientist is all over the news, bragging his credentials off by telling the world he can prove the Abominable Snowman was/is really a bear. That’s just dandy; he has no proof other than supposition, whereas arguments to the contrary include tons of movies, books, cartoons, blurry YouTube™ videos, novelty T-shirts, toys, shampoo bottles and even themed hamburgers to refute his refution. Clearly, this man is a quack.

So NBC.com reports that after a yearlong quest, “Oxford University’s Bryan Sykes, a British geneticist, says he has matched the DNA from hairs attributed to Himalayan Yetis, also known as “Abominable Snowmen,” to a breed of Arctic bear that lived tens of thousands of years ago. Other researchers say that might be as good an explanation as any.”

Are you kidding me? What’s to explain – one billion Himalayans will swear upon a stack of handmade rugs that the creature roaming the region of Nepal and Tibet is a super tall ape-like cryptid that lives off highly nutritious snow, indigenous to that part of the world. And the key word here is “ape-like.” Not “bear-like” or even “bear-esque.”

So what does all of this prove? That a degree from Oxford University isn’t worth the handmade rug it’s printed on.