Cash For Monsters, Paranormal TV, Legal Killers

Here’s a slick piece of marketing — Capcom™, maker of video games — has created a promotion around Monster Hunter: World, which has already sold over 5 million copies. Teaming with The Centre of Fortean Zoology founder Jonathan Downes, Capcom™ is offering £50,000 ($70,000 USD) “to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of one of 10 real-life monsters”.

Fellas, get out your checkbook — of the 10 monsters, I have proof of 11. (I put Bigfoot on there twice, because he’s twice as cool as any other cryptid.) If you wanna get in on this paranormal payday action, here’s the list of Capcom’s™ Most Wanted…

• Bigfoot

• The Loch Ness Monster

• Mongolian Death Worm

• Mermaid

• Earth Hound

• The Yeti/Almasty

• Chupacabra

• The Flying Snake of Namibia

• Yowie

• Cornish Owlman

In their press release, Capcom™ says before they cough up the coin, you must provide proof of one of these monsters by June 20, 2018 in order to clock some dollaz. (After receiving the evidence, Downes and his team will analyze it, and any hunter who provides definite proof will be awarded the prize, with multiple winners splitting the pot.)

Just so you know, I’m not splitting my winnings with anyone. My bar tab ain’t gonna pay for itself. (Hint: In bars is where I found most of the monsters. But look in Taco Bell™ restroom toilets for Mongolian Death Worms.)

While you get an expedition together, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth hunting down…

RED EYE (February 9, 2018)
“Gage Barker, a young man who grew up on the tales of Red Eye as a kid, learns that there could be some truth behind these folk tales. This myth covers a violent, deranged masked murderer, who dwells in the backwoods of Black Creek, West Virginia. With a group of his friends and his camera equipment in tow, they hike into the woods to seek him out or to prove that he is nothing more than a myth.”

Violent deranged masked murderer. Four words that go together as seamlessly as “super fun happy slide.” As for the friends going into the woods to look for Red Eye (he has a conjunctivitis prone sister — Pink Eye), I call dibs on anything cool you might own.

UNSANE (March 23, 2018)
“A young woman is involuntarily committed to a mental institution. She is then confronted by her greatest fear…but is it real or is it a product of her delusion?”

Word around the produce aisle is that this movie was shot entirely on an iPhone™. Pfffft — anyone can do that because everybody in the freaking grocery store has an iPhone™. Want to really make an impression? Trying filming a horror movie using only two empty cans of Del Monte™ Creamed Corn™ tethered by a long piece of wax string. All bars in all places.

THE FIRST PURGE (July 4, 2018)
“Behind every tradition lies a revolution. Next Independence Day, witness the rise of our country’s 12 hours of annual lawlessness. Welcome to the movement that began as a simple experiment: The First Purge. To push the crime rate below one percent for the rest of the year, the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) test a sociological theory that vents aggression for one night in one isolated community. But when the violence of oppressors meets the rage of the marginalized, the contagion will explode from the trial-city borders and spread across the nation.”

Thanks to the current political climate, this prequel makes perfect sense. But they’re overlooking the irony; the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) are the ones creating the public’s aggressive behavior. Why else would the clearly Republican paperboy flip me off every day? (Okay, I may have started it. But he should be the bigger person here, the punk.)

OUR HOUSE (2018)
“A young genius accidentally invents a device that amplifies the paranormal activity within his family’s house, possibly bringing back the spirits of loved ones, and unleashing things far worse.”

Uh, no — the “young genius” didn’t invent a paranormal activating amplification device. It’s already been around for multiple decades — and it’s called a “TV”. While mine doesn’t bring back spirits of dead people, if you get the expanded programming package, you can unleash all kinds of things, far worse and beyond.

El Chupacabra vs. The Law

Jack B. Quick is a space sheriff, whose job on Earth, is to eliminate that pesky sucker of goats, the legendary Chupacabra. He’ll have his Jack hands full; this Chupacabra is six-feet tall, looks like a cross between a seafood platter entree and Japanese pro wrestler, and is actually the presumably housebroken pet of Lord Invader.

Sent by the Queen Bee and King Allmedia (are you groaning out loud yet?), Jack has to be Quick around the Chupacabra in order to not get his goat blood sucked or admonished by the Queen, whose shirt stuffers are metaphorically the size of orbiting planets.

Jack chases Chupacabra around in his spacecraft, an early model Plymouth. To assist in his quest, he packs a shotgun (easily purchased throughout the galaxy). He also has to slap Lord Invader upside the head for letting his pet go outside his interstellar front yard. And if all of this doesn’t leave you gasping for logic, rocket ranger Dan Danger (now would be another good time to groan audibly) shows up to verbally walk us through this land mine-ridden story line. If Jack B. Quick succeeds, he’ll be knighted. If not, food stamps.

Working on a budget so low, the actors themselves paid for it (in more ways than one). Guns of El Chupacabra (1997) is a sci-fi comedy with a half-decent monster costume, wincing dialogue/references, and Julie Strain, who I would pay to just see stand there for 90 or so minutes.

Rock ‘n Roll Aliens, Giant Bullies, Wiccan Babysitters

Keith Richards, iconic rock guitarist and co-founder of The Rolling Stones, recently interviewed on 98.5 WNCX FM Radio in Cleveland, OH, that not only does he believe in aliens, he claims there’s an actual extraterrestrial landing strip on his expansive property in England. Given how much drugs and alcohol the famous wasted musician has infamously consumed over the last 100 years ago (you got that one, right?), surprised he hasn’t also seen Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Chupacabra and/or Mothman lurking about his front yard as well. (Then again, he might think they’re just roadies.)

I believe him. Rock and roll wouldn’t lie. So maybe Keith should rewrite some of his songs to support his claim: “Beam Me Up”, “Let’s Spend The Night Together on Uranus”, “Blue Turns To Greys”, “You Can’t Always Get Abducted When You Want”, and “It’s Only Probing (But I Like It)”. I’m thinkin’ platinum sales, here.

While we wait for the Stones’ intergalactic tour, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you satisfaction…

I KILL GIANTS (2018)
“A teenage girl chooses to escape the realities of school and a drab family life by retreating into her magical world of titans and giants. With the help of her new friend Sophia and her school therapist, Barbara, will learn to battle her giants and face her fears — tackling the bullies at school, her sister, and her difficult home life.”

I liked it better when it was Harry Potter. Still, giant monsters and difficult home life. I can relate.

HEREDITARY (2018)
“When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter’s family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited.”

Big talk about this on the movie/dive bar circuit. I bet Helen’s shameful ancestry has something to do with an unpaid bar tab. Note to matriarchs: dine ‘n dash = NOT COOL.

NIGHTMARE CINEMA (2018)
“The anthology centers on a series of down-on-their-luck individuals who enter the decrepit and spine-chilling Rialto Theater, only to have their deepest and darkest fears brought to life on the silver screen by The Projectionist — a mysterious, ghostly figure who holds the nightmarish futures of all who attend his screenings. By the time our patrons realize the truth, escape is no longer an option.”

Sounds nifty, though for a great “people trapped in a movie theatre while evil beings eat your face and/or popcorn”, try the Italian gore snack bar, Demons (1985). You’ll forget all about your AMC Stubs™ reward points.

THE NIGHT SITTER (2018)
“A scheming con artist poses as innocent babysitter ‘Amber’ to steal from Ted Hooper, a wealthy occult enthusiast with a reclusive son named Kevin. Her crew arrives to clean out the house just as Kevin stumbles upon one of his father’s most prized artifacts and unwittingly summons a trio of witches known as The Three Mothers. As the playful, sadistic witches start picking people off, Amber and Kevin form an unlikely bond and try to survive the night together.”

That would be fun to have witches as babysitters. If you spill a jar of dried frog tongues, there’s plenty of brooms around to sweep ’em up. Wonder if they know any “take out the garbage” spells and/or enchantments? That would so awesome.

Map of Monsters

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

Sucking Goats on a Budget

Should’ve turned off the TV after they open with “This film is dedicated to all those who lost their lives during the production of this documentary.” It’d should read “wasted their lives.”

In the pocket change budgeted Legend of the Chupacabra (2000), a chick zoology student videotapes something paranormal turning her uncle’s goats into barn ravioli. Enlisting the help of additional meals, uh, students, she also teams up with an ex-Marine (what, the Navy not good enough for you?), and goes after documenting the alleged Chupacabra.

Since we’re all gonna have to learn how to speak Spanish sooner or later, “Chupracabra” is Latino for “goat sucker.” (The sucking part, quite thankfully, refers to the blood extraction process.)

They find El Suckero, and it turns out to be human-sized and looking suspiciously like a rubber costume. How embarrassing for him/her. By banging the camera around, they make it hard to focus on the creature’s zipper. Trapped in a passenger van, Chupie pounds on the door and rocks the vehicle while everyone screams. (He does that often, just to get a rise out of ’em.)

A few die, everyone else yawns. I’m as yet undecided on which side I’d rather be on after enduring this suckfest.

Creatures Sharing Features

Ardent fan of creature features. Think it has something to do with alcohol. I’m a big fan of that as well. So imagine my inebriated glee to see two new “nature gone wild” horror movies headed towards my bar stool: Indigenous – a take on the Chupacabra legend (at least I think that’s what it is), and Gitaskog, a fishy horned serpent (at least I think that’s what it is).

Curiously, both movies (release dates pending) share distinctive (i.e., photocopied) ingredients, the first of which is the employment of folklore creatures. But there’s more than that. You may proceed…

Indigenous: “Five friends travel from Los Angeles to exotic Panama for a week of partying in the lush tropical paradise…”

Gitaskog: “Five friends embark on a camping trip to sacred Native territory…”

Indigenous: “They learn of a secret jungle hike to a pristine waterfall nearby and are cautioned strongly against the hike, warning that other gringos in search of the legendary waterfall had mysteriously disappeared into the jungle, never to be seen or heard from again. Ignoring the warnings…”

Gitaskog: “They are warned to stay away. When they choose to ignore the warning…”

Indigenous: “As night closes in, the friends realize too late the truth behind the warnings – horrific, bloodthirsty, flesh-eating creatures are now stalking them…”

Gitaskog: “They are confronted with strange occurrences, seductive apparitions, vengeful locals and a deadly behemoth. Their weekend of fun becomes a descent into Hell…”

It appears both movies were written by the same person. I care not, because hey – creatures! And we all know what goes good with creatures – alcohol, an ingredient necessary for the betterment of every horror movie.

Mexicano Hombre-Lobo

Something is killing off all the goats in the goat capitol of Furlough, Texas (population 327 – for now), and it’s not for lack of tourist dollars. The small toilet town on the Texas/Mexico border is ravaged by racism, boredom and grisly death.

The Mexicans think it’s a Chupacabra. (They’re wrong.) The redneck in-bred whiteys think it’s the Mexicans. (They’re stupid and wrong.) The police think it’s a coyote. (They have guns and can believe anything they want.) And the bored-and-looking-for-excitement high school students think it’s fun that something cool is finally happening in their dustbowl of a town.

Whatever the case, first it’s the goats, then tasty humans, who become carne asada, with a trail of outer and inner body parts strewn all over the pristine unswept sidewalks. Mob rules dictate it’s definitely a Chupacabra, so the townsfolk get guns and wait for it to come a’bitin’.

The local mortician – less than happy his teen daughter is dating a Mexican – gets the idea to fashion Chupacabra evening wear out of coyote pelts so he can eliminate the boyfriend problem and conveniently blame it on Chupie. Meanwhile, the slaughter continues, with the locals being ripped into chorizo.

The best moment comes when the marauding monster is chomping away at the Toyota™ truck containing two high school gals, and the town slut flashes her boobs at the frenzied beast. This stops our hirsute hero dead in his tracks for a brief moment (me, too), giving the resourceful girls a chance to give Chupie a taste of Japanese steel by running him down. Five times.

He’s really a werewolf (okay, a hairy dog with an alligator head), even though everyone is more ready to believe in the Chupacabra than a lycanthrope. That’s small town thinking for you. All told, Mexican Werewolf in Texas (2005) is mildly entertaining horror flick that strays off the eaten path.