Archive for Taco Bell

Chinese Beasts, G-Rated Zombies, Halloween Purge

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 7, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hanson and the Beast

Ever see a sci-fi/fantasy movie trailer that just messes with what’s left of your mind? Give the now-available via limited theatre release Hanson and the Beast (2018) a spin. From China (but now available in the States), HatB just came out several days ago (as of this e-barfing) and might just very well get the WTF award of the month, if not year.

Hanson and the Beast

From the press release: “Yuan Shuai, a debt-ridden animal-breeder, tries to get out of his financial predicament by finding a wealthy girlfriend through matchmaking dates. He unexpectedly meets and fall in love with the fox demon, Bai Xianchu, who has arrived to the mortal realm to repay her gratitude. However, the head of the Demon tribe Yun Zhonghe forbids a love relationship between a demon and a human; and takes Bai Xianchu away. To seek his lover, Yuan Shuai bravely crashes the demonic world.”

Hanson and the Beast

Human/animal hybrids, pseudo vampires, rom-comedy, possible bestiality power smooching… Man, this sounds like a night out at The Poggie Tavern, besides the fact I didn’t understand a dang thing about it. Watch the trailer and see if you can figure it out. It’s pretty crazy and loaded with WTF. P.S. No one named Hanson in the movie as far as I can tell. Probably not a traditional Chinese name.

While we’re waiting for a non-subtitled version, here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that you probably won’t have to read…

Diverge

DIVERGE (February 6, 2018)
“In the aftermath of a mysterious pandemic that’s turned cities into wastelands, a man desperately searches for a way to cure his ailing wife as she battles a deadly virus. When he is captured by a cryptic stranger, he is offered the chance to save not only his wife but the world.”

I thought our cities were already wastelands. As for a way to treat the guy’s sick spouse, liquor stores have to the cure to “whatever ALES you.” Heh. If I had a chance to save the world, though, I’d take a pass. But Uranus? I’ve got yer back, man. Okay, that came out all wrong.

Zombies

ZOMBIES (February 16, 2018/Disney Channel)
Seabrook is a suburban town obsessed with tradition, conformity, football, and cheerleading, but they’re in for a major shake-up when students from Zombietown transfer to Seabrook High and struggle to coexist alongside human students. When a fierce cheerleader, Addison, and zombie football star, Zed, become friends, they partner to help unite their school and community.”

Warning: This one is gonna show up on the Disney Channel, which means, no graphic gut-ripping rodeos or intestinal roping contests. And if you have the Disney Channel, why the h*ck are you reading this blog?

Annihilation

ANNIHILATION (February 23, 2018)
“A female biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don’t apply.”

Where’s she going — a Taco Bell™ restroom? I don’t care what scientists claim, the only Law of Nature that applies in Taco Bell™ is that what goes in must come out — and that result, paradoxically, is against the ALL the Laws of Nature.

Bad Apples

BAD APPLES (February, 2018)
“It’s Halloween night, and two ‘bad apples’ decide to play some wicked tricks on the one house in a suburban cul-de-sac that is not celebrating Halloween. They terrorize a young couple in their home and these tricks become increasingly more sinister as the night progresses, finally ending in a Halloween the entire neighborhood will never forget.”

Sounds like someone is handing out razor-filled avocados instead of the traditional spiked candy treats. That’d p*ss me off, too.

The Age of Sharks

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shallows

Makes sense that the stunningly gorgeous Blake Lively would go from The Age of Adaline (2015) – a dreamy-eyed romance story with a sci-fi twist – to starring in a shark horror movie. She’s quite yummy – and sharks love to eat yummy things.

The Shallows

Hitting the shores June 24, 2016, The Shallows has Blake as a surfer on a secluded beach getting attacked by a great white and stranded on a pile of sharp-y coral, bleeding and screaming – two more things sharks totally love. She’s 200 yards from shore. The shark is between her and safety sand. That’s the whole plot. And that’s all we need.

The Shallows

Doesn’t suck that Blake is in a string bikini the ENTIRE MOVIE. Or that the shark has a mouth built for two. But because Blake is a big time movie star, it’s no spoiler to assume she’s gonna come out of this alive. Not her surf board, though. (Sorry to spoil that for you.)

The Shallows

The last truly scary shark movie in recent memory was The Reef (2010), in which a few people on a sinking sailboat in the middle of the ocean, decide to swim to a shore they can’t see in any direction. While they’re making paddle, a great white shark is shadowing them the whole way, making snack runs when feeling peckish. Here’s the kicker – the movie uses a real shark, as they did in Open Water (2004).

The Reef / Open Water

Your best bet to survive a shark attack in the middle of the ocean is to pollute the water. So make sure you load up on Taco Bell™ before sailing on a non-seaworthy boat or doing any discount scuba diving.

Ultra Pants

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ultraman X

Do you ever take time to stop what you’re doing during a busy day and wonder just who the heck Ultraman is? I do all the time, usually while driving on the freeway. Can’t help it. As the iconic Japanese super crusader who wears a shockingly revealing uniform goes, Ultraman, around since 1966, became a pop culture phenomenon over the course of 40 TV shows and 29 movies, and remains a hugely bankable puncher of giant monsters.

Ultraman 1966Yeah, there’s more than one Ultraman – a legion, in fact – going through countless redesigns, upgrades, tighter super britches… But by and large, whoever is calling themselves an Ultraman these days walks in big shoes. Very big shoes, as Ultramen can grow or “enlarge” tall enough to look into the 20th floor Yokohama Landmark Tower.

Ultraman X

A bit of ultra education: Ultraman is the story of a series of “Ultra-heroes” that arrive on Earth to fight giant, evil monsters set on destroying the world. Each Ultraman can grow to over 200 feet tall, and employs a variety of energy emission powers, as well as kick ass, hand-to-hand martial arts fighting styles. (I could totally be an Ultraman as I have a variety of energy emission powers if I’ve been eating at Taco Bell™.)

Ultraman X

Ultraman Ginga S: Decisive Battle! Ultra 10 Warriors!! came out in 2015. But thanks to Tsuburaya Productions, Ultraman X is scheduled for the big screen in the Spring of 2016. Not sure if the new trailer that just showed up online is from that movie. Really hope it is, though; Ultraman – all skinny, red and silvery – does a downtown fist-y battle with a horned kaiju that looks like a second-stringer from Pacific Rim (2013).

Ultraman X

That people-filled buildings are ground into the ground, isn’t the disturbing part. It’s the slow pan up between Ultraman’s legs that has you averting your gaze. Note to filmmakers: How about a little less “ultra” in the super-tight tights area – kids are watching this thing.

Ultra Crotch

 

Ghost Car Wash

Posted in Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , on July 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fingerprints

Years ago, a school bus filled with whatever a school bus carries, is plowed into by a train. No one survived. Publicly-funded transportation SUCKS, by the way. But thankfully the train was undamaged.

Years later it is said that if your car is parked on the tracks, invisible grade-school sized hands gently push your car to safety. Gotta have it in neutral, though, otherwise the ghosts kids won’t be able to put their transparent shoulders to it.

Fingerprints

Most regard all of the above as local myth. However, for several including Melanie, a fresh out of rehab teenager, the ghost tow service is real. For some reason, though, a ghost named Julie is attempting to communicate with Melanie. Pick up, b*tch.

Fingerprints

Everybody thinks Melanie’s “relapsing” is because of the whole drug thing that left her crack-smoking boyfriend dead and her brought to the brink of joining him. (What an emo douche.) But someone else is sending a signal, too – the mutilated bodies of Melanie’s classmates. How icky is that?

Fingerprints

In all fairness, the signs of wrongness do point directly to Melanie. But she still looks too squeaky clean and too wholesome to commit any crime other than having split ends and poor boyfriend choices.

Fingerprints (2006) embodies a few scares (sort of but not really), very little gore, a little boobie showing, and, like the Taco Bell™ El Grande I had for breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner/snack, a predictable outcome.

Standard choo choo doo doo. The ghost kids? Yep, real as you or I. But they keep leaving their grimy fingerprints all over freshly-washed cars. If that isn’t a crime, I don’t know what is.

 

Mutant Snow

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier. Sounds like a medical condition.

Doctor “Big Finger” Lindermund: “Mr. Gilbert, your lab results are in and they came back positive – you have…Blood Glacier.”

Me: “No big – a chili cheese grande burrito will melt that sucker out.”

Rite-Aid™ and Taco Bell™ – they have all my bases covered.

Blood Glacier (The Station)

Blood Glacier (The Station), a chilling (because it’s in the Alps) horror sci-fi thriller diller, arrives in the States on May 2, 2014. Apparently, the movie’s been bumming around Europe for a while now. Like I care about anything outside my zip code. But hey, I’ll give it a spin, mostly because the plot borrows heavily from a half-dozen other horror movies. If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it. Here’s the overly familiar scenario…

Blood Glacier (The Station)

“At a climate research station in the Alps, scientists are stunned as the nearby melting glacier is leaking a red liquid. It quickly turns to be very special juice – with unexpected genetic effects on the local wildlife.”

Sounds like they opened A Taco Bell™ in Switzerland.