Playground Purgatory, Horror Vegetables, Mature Mutants

There’s a famous wall painting on Dante’s live music club in downtown Portland, OR that proudly proclaims, “Keep Portland Weird.” This caught on to the point there are bumperstickers, buttons and t-shirts everywhere sporting the city’s unofficial slogan. But for really bold weirdness, one only needs to hitchhike 104 miles south to Eugene, OR where an uproar on social media over a park slide seeks to topple Portland’s innate oddity status.

In the Owen Rose Garden City Park, residents were treated Hellraiser’s Pinhead being turned into a playground slide. Predictably, this sent locals into a Karen-esque tizzy; “These liberal sh*theads have gone too far this time.” A Eugene resident angrily posted to Facebook™. “It’s clear they are trying to groom our children to be monsters. Satanic, evil monsters. They obviously want to normalize this sort of thing. And you know this abomination will just attract weirdos to our nice little town.” Another posted response: “We have to come together as a community and nip this in the bud before things get out of hand. Let’s send this horrific ‘children’s playground’ back to hell.”

If only these quick-to-mouth rabble rousers got the joke. The Pinhead slide is an amazingly realistic art piece by 3D artist and Virtual Reality sculptor Cabel Adams, who posted it on social media, deliciously punking the leaning-far-too-right residents.

This isn’t the first time Cabel struck comedy gold with his crazy 3D and Photoshop™ skills. There’s his Voorhees Island, with a “stone” Jason obelisk in the middle of Washington’s State’s Lake Crescent (or “Crescent Lake”). Then there’s the cool Thomas The Train wickedly reimagined as an evil machine, as well as his horror movie villain hot-air “balloons” floating menacingly over Oregon’s Lane County town during its annual film fest.

While we all wait for Eugene’s locals to grow a sense of humor, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not spur Oregonian condemnation… 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / March 3, 2023 (Limited) March 21, 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic twelve-year-old girl in a small town in Nebraska recruits all the other children and goes on a bloody rampage, killing the corrupt adults and anyone else who opposes her. A bright high schooler who won’t go along with the plan is the town’s only hope of survival.”

For anyone keeping score, this makes 11 Children of the Corn movies, which debuted in 1984. This latest one was done in 2020 and is just now getting out to people who want more corn in their diet. 

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: MUTANT MAYHEM / August 4, 2023 (Theaters)

“The heroes in a half-shell are back for their latest re-imagining, emerging from the sewers to defend New York from an army of fellow mutants.”

Their film debuting over 30 years ago, you can hardly call the turtles “teenage” anymore. They should call themselves Medicare Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

THE DARK ROOM / Release pending 2023 (DVD/VOD)

“An amateur photographer witnesses something while he’s developing photos that were brought to him by a pastor. The whole town is in amass panic and an active investigation is going on due to multiple decapitations in the area. The photographer is conflicted about sharing the news and the photographs he has developed.”

Developing photos? What year is this set in — 1935?

HUNT HER, KILL HER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“During her first night on the job a lone night shift janitor finds herself in an unexpected fight for survival when she becomes the target of sinister masked intruders. As their disturbing motives become clearer, she must use her crafty instincts and barbaric violence to make it through the night alive.”

To get a coveted job as a night janitor, crafty instincts and barbaric violence should be emphasized on your resume.

Extraterrestrially Inebriated, Social Media Monstrosity, Space Spouse

On July 8, 2023, we celebrate the 76th anniversary of America’s most famous UFO story: The Roswell Incident. That’s when in 1947, rancher W.W. “Mac” Brazel discovered wreckage from an illegally parked flying saucer on his remote ranch just outside of the municipality of Conspiracyville, or “Corona, NM.” (Note to purists: Mac actually found the extraterrestrial debris field on July 6, but his mechanical horse ran out of petrol coming into town to report it.)

Since that time, one billion million UFO sightings have been reported, some even sober. That’s right — according to the National UFO Reporting Center™ (located in Washington State, where I live and see alien spacecraft ALL THE TIME), statistics suggest these reports are made by…drunk people. According to The Economist, “The National UFO Reporting Center receives tens of thousands reported sightings of UFOs, with the majority happening on Fridays, in the West, and during…drinking hours.” (See official-looking graph.)

In an article in The Atlantic, journalist Derek Thompson presents his theories: “Utah, the state with the lowest beer consumption by far, has a higher share of UFO sitings than North Carolina, the state with the highest beer consumption. Washington, the state where you’re most likely to report a UFO, drinks less alcohol than all but six states. It’s plausible that people don’t see UFOs while they’re working or sleeping because they’re working indoors and completely unconscious.”

So while we crack six or more tall boys and stumble outside during prime time UFO viewing hours and submit our Happy Hour sightings at the top of our lungs to the NURC™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-movies that may or may not be made better by drinking…

MEAN SPIRITED February 27, 2023 (VOD)

“After receiving an invitation to his estranged friend’s mountain cottage, a wannabe vlogger aims to bury the hatchet with their now-celebrity friend who isn’t quite himself anymore.”

Social Media Horror [ soh-shuhl mee-dee-uh hawr-er ] / noun, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est. Tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless; annoying or irritating.

STATIC CODES / June 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A man’s wife was abducted by aliens 10 years ago during a car accident which left him paralyzed from the waist down. Given up on life, he has become consumed with only one mission: finding his wife.”

Why?

THE HOUSE AMONG TREES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A hybrid of modern crime fiction and classic horror story, The House Among The Trees follows three low-level burglars who accidentally uncover a small town’s dark secrets after breaking into a secluded house.”

All small towns have dark secrets, some darker than others. For instance, the dark secret in my small town is…ME.

THE GRANDMOTHER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Susana must leave her life working as a model in Paris and return home to Madrid after she learns that her grandmother Pilar — who raised her as her own after her parents died — has had a cerebral hemorrhage. Upon returning home, Susana attempts to find a long-term caretaker for Pilar, but what should be just a few days ends up becoming a genuine nightmare after Susana notices Pilar start to act strangely.”

If I needed a caregiver, I’d want it to be a Parisian supermodel. That would make me hemorrhage…but not in the cerebellum.

UFO Anniversary

It was 70 years ago to this minute/day/month that (probably near-sighted) business man/amateur light plane pilot Kenneth Arnorld witnessed what he surmised to be nine flying discs (later deemed “flying saucers” by a newspaper reporter, NOT Kenneth himself), zipping around the snow-cover Mount Rainier in Washington State back on June 24, 1947. This gave birth to UFOs and countless sci-fi movies, documentaries, books/rubber novelty widgets — some true, some false — about the “alien” aircraft. He should’ve copyrighted this stuff; he’d have died rich in 1984 rather than just dying regularly.

What my exhaustive research tells me (my finger is so sore from clicking around the Internet), Mr. Arnold did NOT see flying saucers, but rather happened across the Yeti Annual Shiny Hubcap Hucking Competition held every June on Mount Rainier. (For the record, Rainier is infested with the surprisingly competitive Yeti. Don’t bother double-checking; I already did it for you. You’re welcome.)

But that doesn’t mean UFOs are fake. Quite the contrary; it means that we can rule out that particular event as an extrapolated mistaken identity. All other UFOs are real, though. Even the well-polished ones.

So, Happy Birthday Flying Saucers/Shiny Hubcaps — keep ’em flying.

Vampire Princesses, Serial Killers, Chick Robots

I’ve long known that the National UFO Reporting Center is located in Davenport, right here in Washington State, just shy of a five hour easterly drive from where I’m lounging around in my unmentionables. Thought it might be cool to call them up and chat about all things unidentified and/or flying. Didn’t have any sightings to tell them about, just wanted to see what’s up with UFOs these days. (269 reports in February — down from 310 in January. Maybe flying saucers aren’t beer-running as much now that Amazon Prime™ delivers right to your styrofoam fridge.)

Here’s their number in case you want to report an alien invasion: (206) 722-3000. Or if you don’t have a phone (social misfit), visit their website at www.nuforc.org. They do important work.

And on an unrelated topic, here are some identified new horror movies landing soon near you…

THE LAST VAMPIRE PRINCESS (March 16, 2017/UK – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Pasha is a delivery boy for an express delivery service in Moscow. One evening he is delivering a parcel to a hotel, when he witnesses an attack on a mysterious guest of the hotel named Dana. Pasha steps in and saves the girl from her attackers, who possess amazing, supernatural powers. Representatives of secret intelligence agencies arrive on the scene of the incident and proceed to offering Pasha a job in the top secret Department D that deals with evil spirits, performing daily accounting and control of all the non-human creatures that live in the city, such as poltergeists, goblins and mermaids.”

Man, this one sounds cool. I wanna work for Department D — might be my only chance to hook up (heh) with a mermaid.

THE ABDUCTION OF JENNIFER GRAYSON (March 28, 2017)
“Kidnapped after spurning a man’s advances, a young woman slowly falls for the charms of her captor. He eventually sets her free, but is he the serial killer the police have been hunting for? Only Jennifer Grayson can help them stop him once and for all.”

Not a fan of serial killer horror movies. They’re like the karaoke of violence. That, and since we see this stuff all the time in real life and at the grocery store, who really cares?

SHE-BORG MASSACRE (April 19, 2017)
“When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into mutated robot killing machines with a taste for puppy flesh, Dylan and Eddie, two self-proclaimed political activists, are all that stand between the Earth and total domination. Forced into a ‘dare to be great’ situation that neither are prepared for, the two BFFL’s must fight their way past cops, city officials and cybernetic dog butchers in order to destroy the evil Sheborg and save the planet!”

Puppy flesh?!? What’s for dessert — a Kit Kat™ candy bar made out of a real cat? Pretty ballsy to use that as a plot device, given the billions of dog and cat owners that would serial kill you for even insinuating harm towards an animal.

 ROCK PAPER DEAD (2017)
“After 10 years, serial killer, Peter ‘the Doll Maker’ Harris returns as a ‘cured man’ to his ancestral family home after being released from the state’s hospital for the criminally insane. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and ghostly visitations from his past victims shake Peter’s resolve. It isn’t until lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that will rekindle old desires that always ended in murder.”

This one was supposed to come out in 2016. Seems like a long time ago and feels like anguished memories. So yep, YET ANOTHER serial killer movie with a plot that appear to have come from a Wal-Mart clearance sale. Hope there’s a return policy.

And because I missed your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/bar mitzvah/misc., here is yest another cool new Kong: Skull Island poster, just for you…

Found Foot-age

A stunning photo of a hiker was captured on camera by Bigfoot, sending the Internet reeling. Taken in the Olympic National Forest in Washington State just 113 miles west of Seattle, this is the first time anyone has managed to get solid photographic evidence of the woods walker.

“I was down by the river,” says a visibly shaken Bigfoot. “I was taking care of my usual morning business – I eat a LOT of fiber – and heard noise on the trail behind me. I looked up and there he was – a hiker! I pulled out my cellphone and managed to snap a pic.

“It turned and looked right at me,” he continues. “I guess this gooned out both of us as he ran off, and I and jammed outta there pretty fast, too. He had a real off-putting odor – his clothes smelled like Bounce™.’

Bigfoot came back the next morning and was able to get a picture of the hiker’s foot print, offering even more conclusive evidence. “Near as I could tell, he was wearing a size 10 North Face Chilkat Tech Boot,” says Bigfoot.

Despite the startling evidence, the scientific community remains skeptical, claiming that there simply aren’t enough 7-Eleven™ stores close enough by to provide a sustainable food source. But Bigfoot remains adamant. “I know what I saw,” he insists. “For years I heard the stories of hikers being seen all throughout the woods. Now I have proof.”