Archive for flying saucer

Illustrative UFOs, Recording Nightmares, Mobster Monsters

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

If you like books with pictures, then put UFO Drawings from the National Archives by author David Clarke on your f*cket list. Arriving February 27, 2018 (for a mere $25.00 hardcover on Amazon.com), UFO Drawings sky is loaded with hand-illustrated recreations of UFO sightings by real people who experienced them, many who have little to no artistic abilities/credibilities.

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

The book’s plaintive press release spins it like saucer: “Originally set up after a request from Winston Churchill, the Ministry of Defense’s UFO Desk ran for over 60 years, collating mysterious sightings and records of strange objects in the sky from observant, and sometimes imaginative, members of the public. As well as letters and official reports, the UFO files contain photographs, drawings and even paintings of these curious sightings.”

UFO Drawings From The National Archives

David Clarke has selected examples from The National Archives to present a history of British UFO art and the remarkable stories behind these images, including an alien craft on the A1, flying saucers over Hampstead, and a spaceship landing at a primary school in Macclesfield.”

Chicken in a Flying Saucer

The only things I can draw are curtains, bathwater and flies. Old joke, but dang, gold is gold. I could probably sketch a UFO, but would have to see one first as a point of reference. Sure, I’ve seen plenty of flying saucers. But to witness an actual unidentified flying object would be to live the dream.

While I throw YET ANOTHER bit coin into the clearly malfunctioning wishing well, here are a few just released and/or coming soon horror/sci-fi drama thrillers (i.e., made for TV) movies to illustrate the genre…

Scareycrows

SCAREYCROWS (available now)
“A trainee hairdresser discovers her boyfriend is keeping a dark secret. Soon her world crashes around her as the quiet seaside town where she was born is overrun by homicidal scareycrows.”

Scareycrows. That’s right up there with Mikey Myers and Badabdooky. What’s next — King Kongster?

Skybound

SKYBOUND (November 7, 2017/VOD)
“Five plane passengers are unable to land after a mysterious disaster happens on the ground, but they may be in worse danger than they thought when a stowaway is discovered on board carrying a dangerous secret.”

Yeesh – that’s enough to make a stewardess do some involuntary crop-dusting (Farting silently up and down the plane’s aisle.) I’m a fan of aircraft disaster movies (examples: The Horror at 37,000 Feet/1973, Flight of the Living Dead/2007, Altitude (2007), and don’t have a fear of flying. But I do have a fear of not flying.

InControl

INCONTROL (2018)
“A group of university students discover a device that allows them to take control of others and experience the world through someone else’s body. As they push the machine’s abilities to its limits, they don’t realize their own lives have been manipulated, and they descend into a nightmare with no return.”

Was this not the framework of 1995’s Strange Days and even 1984’s Dreamscape? In that one, it was all fun and games when someone recorded having themselves having sex and shared it with others. But when they put the recording device on a monkey’s head, things went doo-flinging crazy. For me, though, it was just another day.

Made Vicious

MADE VICIOUS (2018)
“Jim is a widower trying to raise his daughter while keeping the peace in a small town. While dealing with his debt to Victor, a mobster, a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.”

Seems like they’re trying to cram too much into the plot here. I can help — “a monster is awakened and begins to wreak havoc.” Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.

Fat Ass Slug Monster

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeping TerrorIn The Creeping Terror (aka, The Crawling Monster and Dangerous Charter/1964), one of the most LOL sci-fi movies ever made, A UFO curb-bounces in Angel County, CA. (I looked it up on Google Maps™ — no such place. There is, however, a nifty spot called Dunsmuir. Sounds like a Viking warrior with a horned helmet and beaver fur underpants.)

The Creeping Terror

So out of this UFO crawls the “creeping terror”, one of the most low-budget monsters this side of Robot Monster (1953), whose title creature is a guy in a gorilla suit, skeleton head and diving helmet. Covers all bases when you think about it. This creeping terror, one of two, is not given a name, but rather described as a “large, hairy, slug-like, omnivorous monster.” I’ve heard divorced guys refer to their ex-wives in such the same manner.

The Creeping TerrorThis omnivorous monster looks like 1964 vacuum cleaner hoses attached to a load of unwashed laundry, which grows out of a rubbery turtle-esque shell that acts as its digestive system. And what does Omni eat? People! And for each one it consumes, it grows bigger. Much like taking down two or three Tavern Burgers at Loretta’s Northwesterner. (It’s a cool dive bar.)

The Creeping Terror

Things really get going when the lurching “monster” (it can barely move — maybe it ate too many carb-loaded people) finds its way into a dance hall where people are dancing so strenuously (flapping and waving of arms as though attempting to achieve flight), proceeds to suck previously gyrating party-goers into an orifice in on the base of its upright neck. Call me a suspicious, but it really looked like those people were actually crawling into said cake hole on purpose.

The Creeping Terror

Buzzkills theorize this “bio-organism” is simply taking advantage of Earth’s “all you can eat” policy, and sending nutrition facts back to their home planet by means of science-y knobs and dials on the saucer. The military, being driven around in a pick-up truck designed to haul hay, think otherwise and shoot Omni. Bullets have no effect on unwashed laundry, so one soldier tosses a grenade into the monster’s calorie cave and ka-BOOM! No more O. And no more Zoomba dancing on crack, either.

The Creeping Terror

Speaking of exercise dance classes, Omni, who clearly has eating issues (it ate 17 people), should enroll. But to be fair, he/she/it is king of the clean plate club.

UFO Anniversary

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , on June 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFOs

It was 70 years ago to this minute/day/month that (probably near-sighted) business man/amateur light plane pilot Kenneth Arnorld witnessed what he surmised to be nine flying discs (later deemed “flying saucers” by a newspaper reporter, NOT Kenneth himself), zipping around the snow-cover Mount Rainier in Washington State back on June 24, 1947. This gave birth to UFOs and countless sci-fi movies, documentaries, books/rubber novelty widgets — some true, some false — about the “alien” aircraft. He should’ve copyrighted this stuff; he’d have died rich in 1984 rather than just dying regularly.

What my exhaustive research tells me (my finger is so sore from clicking around the Internet), Mr. Arnold did NOT see flying saucers, but rather happened across the Yeti Annual Shiny Hubcap Hucking Competition held every June on Mount Rainier. (For the record, Rainier is infested with the surprisingly competitive Yeti. Don’t bother double-checking; I already did it for you. You’re welcome.)

Kenneth Arnold

But that doesn’t mean UFOs are fake. Quite the contrary; it means that we can rule out that particular event as an extrapolated mistaken identity. All other UFOs are real, though. Even the well-polished ones.

So, Happy Birthday Flying Saucers/Shiny Hubcaps — keep ’em flying.

Shadow People, Fender Bender UFOs, Last Call Hags

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Awaken The Shadowman

Thinking about getting a painless tattoo. Up until now, the only needle I’ve felt the sting with is those annual anti-zombie virus shots I get as insurance. Nope, the canvas that is my remarkably soft skin is ink free. And yet, how cool would it be to get a tattoo of the Alien chest-burster on my back? I’d put it on my chest, but that’s what society would EXPECT. That’s a rule. I don’t do rules. Although, as a rule, I brush my teeth twice a day. So yeah, a bit hypocritical of me, but as I always say, be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

Speaking of things that may or may not have bite, here are few more upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into. Chew with your mouth closed, please. Not a rule, just common courtesy.

AWAKEN THE SHADOWMAN (July 21, 2017 (Limited); July 25, 2017 (VOD)
“After the mysterious disappearance of their mother, estranged brothers reunite and discover an unknown supernatural force.”

Is it Slenderman working on a new stand-up routine? Is it a prankster poltergeist looking to get you to involuntarily soil the sheets? (Which would be flippin’ hysterical.) Is it a half-transparent baby-sitter? Is it all of the above? I can only hope and pray by crossing my fingers really hard.

Landing Lake

LANDING LAKE (2017)
“When a technical team is sent to repair a communication station they quickly realize that something may be coming from the nearby lake that is affecting their minds. As they lose their inhibitions their most primal desires take hold. It seems that only one of the team is permitted to bond with the unseen entity and so be reborn in a new body. A terrifying game of strategy not to survive, but rather to die with the promise of life anew.”

This one’s already getting attention, but for the wrong reasons. One horror movie blog says it’s a prime candidate for the worse movie trailer of the year. Geez, don’t sugar coat it, guys. From what I was able to piece together is that a UFO crashed landed up at Crash Landing Lake (heh) a while back and no one came looking for it. I would’ve — and I’d sell it on Craigslist™ and become a billionaire. So yeah, probably alien gunk got into the lake and anyone skinny dipping in it is gonna have their cracked Liberty Bell infected by said space goo. This often ends in hilarious results.

Blue Book

BLUE BOOK (2017/History Channel)
Blue Book is a scripted UFO drama series chronicling the true top secret U.S. Air Force-sponsored investigations into UFO-related phenomena in the 1950s and ’60s, known as Project Blue Book. The series follows Dr. J. Allen Hynek, a brilliant college professor recruited by the U.S. Air Force to spearhead this clandestine operation that researched thousands of cases, many of which were never solved. Each episode will draw from the actual files, blending UFO theories with authentic historical events from one of the most mysterious eras in United States history.”

UFOs seem to be getting a bump up these days, what with the ongoing success of Ancient Aliens. So it makes sense do a spin-off series about all those TRUE stories of saucers and the unearthly pilots that fly and sometimes run ‘em into New Mexico dirt. Wonder if aliens are have to carry saucer insurance? If so, what are the rates? Hopefully Blue Book will fill in these blanks

Slumber

SLUMBER (2017)
“Alice, a rationally minded sleep doctor, is forced to abandon scientific reason and accept a family is being terrorized by a parasitic demon which has existed in every human culture since records began. Paralyzing victims as they sleep, the ‘Night Hag’ is the original Nightmare.”

Night Hag — that’s what we refer to the last call gals at The Poggie Tavern. And I wouldn’t put it past ‘em to mess with you while you’re trying to deal with hangover paralysis. FYI: keep your wallet in your front pocket.

Map of Monsters

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monsters in America

Monsters in America is an illustrated visual map of all those stinky cryptids (mythological creatures with otherworldly properties/hair styles) who inspire many of the craptacular horror movies I’ve leveraged my life on.

Monsters in America

First, some factoids by way of a press release: “The Philadelphia-based Hog Island Press print shop has created Monsters in America, a cryptozoological map of the United States that features all sorts of legendary creatures from across the country.”

Monsters in America

“[The map] is possibly the first of its kind – a snapshot of American cryptozoology that brings together the Jersey Devil, Bigfoot, Mothman, Chupacabra, Shunka Warakin, Caddy, the Honey Island Swamp Monster and many more cryptids on one hand-drawn, hand-screened map, which is available to purchase. T-shirt designs based on some of the creatures from their map are also available.”

Man, I could go for some new laundry in the form of a stylish T-shirt suitable for any and every bowling occasion.

UFO

While the map is indeed an breathtaking representation of where each of these neck-eating monsters reside with obviously bootlegged green cards, I’m seeing a GLARING omission: where are the cryptids in Washington, specifically Seattle, where I hang my bowling laundry out to dry? Sure, we have tons of wild-eyed creatures roaming around downtown (we call them “out-of-towners”), but no regional T-shirt worthy “manimals.”

Monsters in America

It vexes me that Washington State doesn’t have its own monster. Heck, we have UFOs flying out of our butts up here, but the only thing close to local cryptids are those icky giant octopuses just waiting off shore for you to wade a little further out on Alki Beach than you normally do. (I claim your beach towel.)

Monsters in America

It’s nice that the California-established Bigfoot occasionally stops by on his Pacific Northwest staycation to visit relatives. But it’s clear Washington/Seattle/Me/I need a residential monster. Until I can organize some sort of candlelight vigil keggar to raise awareness/2nd keg funds, maybe one of you other creature-flush states can loan us one. I’m looking in your direction Ohio, you with your fancy pants Loveland Frogmen and associative merchandising rights.

Oh, yeah – the poster is $30. Get it by clicking the heck outta THIS.

 

LOL Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snarling

Three new horror hopeful hits headed in this general direction. There’s probably more movies coming out, but I need to spend the day combing my hair YET AGAIN, so three is all you get from me on this 23rd day of the third month of the year 2016.

First up is The Snarling. Cool title. It could be in reference to anything from a werewolf or mad raccoon, to a bitter bear or my neighbor lady whose facial muscles are botoxed to the point she looks like her stretched skin is gonna pop.

Anyway, here’s the skinny on The Snarling, already screened in the U.K., but not here. I don’t know why: “When a cursed new horror film is being made in their village, locals Les, Mike and Bob see their chance to cash in and get famous. As the local Detective Inspector and his hapless sergeant Haskins eventually trace a link in recent bloody mutilations to the film, the race is on to stop the killings before our local heroes get caught up in the real blood and guts.”

Bloody mutilations is an oxymoron.

First Man on Mars

Next up is First Man on Mars, a spoof on The Martian (2015). In this one the send a guy to Mars, but he comes back infected with space gunk, turning him into a “crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.”

Here’s the splashdown on First Man on Mars (release pending 2016): “In 2003 billionaire astronaut Eli Cologne began his journey through space to become the first man on Mars, but something went horribly wrong. The space craft crashed undetected in a remote part of Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and he’s been hunting both human and animal prey in the swamps for years. For small town sheriff Dick Ruffman, it’s a race against time to find the man-turned-monster before he kills again in this horrifying and hilarious satire of low budget drive-in grindhouse creature features from the 1970s.”

Crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh is an oxymoron.

Australiens

Lastly, the brilliantly punned Australiens (releasing June 14, 2016) is a comedic take on an alien invasion set in the Land of Roo: “An extraterrestrial armada launches a nationwide assault on Australia. Seems the other nations of the world are far too insulted by their exclusion from the attack to come to Australia’s aid. Car-chasing spaceships, martial-arts aliens, giant killer robots and more.”

Australia doesn’t need our help – they have tasty beers. And you can never lose when you have tasty beers.

Aliens & Smooching

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of the Saucer Men

Invasion of the Saucer Men was released in 1957 and occupied an era where teen dudes dressed in suits and ties, referred to chicks as dames, and counted it as a plus if they made it to first base (smooching with no tongue application) with said skirts. Everybody in those days were black and white as color wouldn’t be invented until the ‘60s. And yet the teens that happened upon the invading saucer men kept insisting to the cops that these “little monsters” were green. Looked grey to me.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

So yeah, aliens land their saucer on Earth at night and proceed to lurk around in the woods that serve as camouflage for first-basing teens. But these aren’t your ordinary extraterrestrials; they’re only a few feet tall,  featuring inside out scrotum heads and probably stink like Uranus. (I never get tired of that joke device.) But their best feature is gnarly hands that have dripping needles protruding out of the fingertips. And that dripping liquid is…ALCOHOL! The good stuff, too, not the Two-Buck-Chuck stuff you/I get at the mini-mart.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

First customer/victim is none other than the Riddler (aka, Frank Gorshin) who plays one of two drifters, and packs a bottle of the good stuff wherever he goes. And when he ends up drunkenly encountering the aliens and they inject him with even more booze, well hey – let’s get this party started! Unfortunately, it was a clear case of over-serving as he died from acute alcohol poisoning.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

Meanwhile, the military shows up and surrounds the flying saucer, and with a bullhorn, demanding they present themselves: “Come out! Can you hear me, spaceship?” (I don’t know why, but that cracked me up.) No response, so they shoot it with explosive-grade ammo. Nothing. Then they try using an acetylene torch – and end up causing the ship to explode. Shrugging their shoulders, the military gets in their jeeps and drive back to the base.

Invasion of the Saucer Men

But it’s the horny teens who save the day. Discovering that the aliens melt and explode when exposed to light, they rally all the cars at the make-out zone in the woods to surround the creatures and simultaneously turn on their headlights. Ka-BOOM! Invasion denied. Then they go back to power smooching. It’s as if getting to first – and possibly second base — was more important to them than halting an alien invasion. And they’re right.