How Abominable Is This Snow, Man?

Okay, so yeah — I stopped doing this horror/sci-fi movie blog in June of 2019. Was at it for 10 years to the day. I still, though, pop in every so often to approve/reject comments based on how spam-y they are. Was bored today (September 18, 2022) and thought I’d barf up another post just for S&Gs. Will I keep doing this? Maybe-ish. But in the meantime…

Snow Monster (2019), is the Chinese spin on King Kong, which I believe is in a different language than Chinese. I’ll have to do more research.

Speaking of research, a science team in a lab-equipped Sno-Cat, is doing spin-outs around a remote Arctic wasteland, trying to find out why their readings indicate a geo-thermal event. (Somebody must’ve left the lava lamp on.) What they find, besides enough snow to make one trillion billion cocktail ice cubes, is a Yeti with ram horns, or rather one horn as the other looks broken off as if lost in a bar fight.

But this Yeti is 100 feet tall, give or take a few inches. And he eats size-proportionate ice sharks that, get this, swim in ice! WTF? These sharks leap out of the tundra and feast on humans in one big gulp, clothes and all, thereby turning them into (wait for it)…frost bites. Heh.

But the science team gets knocked a cliff and, for all intents, is f’d in the ice-hole. Apparently, no one prepared for things like a dead battery, getting stuck in the snow and rolling 30 times down a cliff. Dumbasses. So now, whoever is left alive, needs rescuing. (See “f’d in the ice-hole.”)

An Indiana Jones drunk dude is hired to find them. He’d rather fight and drink. That is, until he finds out his attractive but cold-as-ice ex is the leader of the science team, so he agrees to lead the recovery team. After he finishes his drink, of course.

Driving a bunch of gun-enhanced teammates up in the hills of China, they find a spooky temple, fall into a black hole, son, and get beaked by prehistoric seagulls. Talk about your peckers of doom. A grenade-type explosion opens a portal to the Arctic, where they literally trip over the wreckage of the science team. It should be noted a clan of snow natives living in caves saved them first. And they’re all dressed like they’re going to spring break in Peoria, IL. (What’s with the mascara and lipstick on the decidedly hot Elder chick? At what Antarctic 7-Eleven™ did she buy that stuff?)

The Elder chick can communicate with Mr. Iced To Meet You and introduces it to their “guests.” I figured he’d just eat ‘em, burp vociferously, and be on his merry way. But no, dang it. And if you didn’t see this coming, the financier of the expedition also found the transportal hole and has showed up with guns and RPGs to capture the Sir Fuzz Fuzz in order to exploit for profit and possibly cash.

Epic snowball fight ensues. Lots of natives and evil guys get aerated by ammunition. But not before two fighter jets come through The Hole and immobilize the Froster in some sort of freeze ray. While this is going on, everybody is still kung-fu fighting (not a racist comment — they were actually doing martial arts). Odd, though, no steam — or “Iced Chi” — was coming out mouths, despite sub-zero temps. The least believable part of the movie.

In conclusion, Snow Monster is for low expectation fans of Kaiju movies, barely bloody, punchy (heh) fight sequences, and snow babes. And hey, the massive creature looks 100% tameable.

P.S. You can watch this free on YouTube

P.P.S. Stay through the credits.

8 Responses to “How Abominable Is This Snow, Man?”

  1. Great to read ya again!

  2. Andy dockhorn Says:

    Thank you! YOU’VE BEEN MISSED 

    Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

  3. i was super excited to see a post again 🙂 this was my go-to site to find great movies i had never heard of. i hope you continue!

  4. Jon from NC Says:

    YOU’RE BACK!! EEEEEEEEEEK!
    It’s like Christmas, Halloween, and my hungover 21st birthday all rolled into one! This is vying for best day of my life.
    And what a great review to kick it all off! So happy to see you doing these again!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: