Feared Cities, Feared Houses, Feared Phones

Love it, hate it, makes you happy and/or happily throw up (looking in your direction AHS: Hotel/2015), American Horror Story/Season 11 (FX™) is set to land on your TV set October 19, 2022. (Write this down on a cocktail napkin for reference: The first two episodes of the 10-episode season will drop at 10 PM ET/PT on FX™ and will stream the next day on Hulu™. They will be followed by two episodes each Wednesday.) You’re welcome.

No plot as of this blogging. But the tagline for AHS: NYC reads: “New Season. New City. New Fears.” Disappointingly generic given AHS’ refreshingly twisted stories. But hey, fans will watch it regardless of spoilers because American Horror Story, if anything, is crazy bizarre, crazy gory, crazy violent and thereby recommended crazy family viewing.

Returning cast are favs Billie Lourd (her mom was Princess Leia), Zachary Quinto (he was Spock a couple of times), Leslie Grossman (dipped in AHS blood gunk since 2017), and the always uncanny Denis O’Hare, who earned two Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations for his AHS roles and played Liz Taylor in a cross dressing tour de force in AHS: Hotel (2015). Those gowns were literally to die for.

While we pack our bags for NYC, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not earn Primetime Emmy Award™ nominations…

MY BEST FRIEND’S EXORCISM / Out now (Amazon Prime Video)

“The year is 1988. High school sophomores Abby and Gretchen have been best friends since fourth grade. But after an evening of skinny-dipping goes disastrously wrong, Gretchen begins to act…different. She’s moody. She’s irritable. And bizarre incidents keep happening whenever she’s nearby. The fate of Abby and Gretchen will be determined by a single question: Is their friendship powerful enough to beat the Devil?”

How the HELL could an evening of high school girls skinny-dipping go wrong? Maybe evil got caught in someone’s “pool filter.”

MR. HARRIGAN’S PHONE / October 5, 2022 (Netflix™)

“A young boy named Craig, living in a small town, befriends Mr. Harrigan, an older, reclusive billionaire. The two form a bond over books and an iPhone™. But when the man passes away, the boy discovers that not everything dead is gone, and finds himself able to communicate with his friend from the grave through the iPhone™ that was buried with him.”

My iPhone™ doesn’t get calls from the dead. Just robots.

THE HARRISVILLE HAUNTING: THE REAL CONJURING HOUSE / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Four paranormal researchers and YouTubers™ document the paranormal claims of the former Arnold family farmhouse built in 1736. Now known as the Harrisville Farmhouse and the inspiration for the well known movie The Conjuring (2013). Are the extreme paranormal claims from the film real? Come along with researchers Matt Benton, Joe Vitale, Bill Cook, and Eric Conner as they delve into this mysterious haunting and share their incredible findings and evidence.”

This is what YouTubers™ consider gainful employment these days. You want paranormal? Trying cleansing the bathrooms at the Tug Tavern. Customers have been known to conjure a lot of “dark things” in there.

SATAN’S SLAVES: COMMUNION / November 4, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A family moves into a rundown apartment after escaping terror from their mother, who returned from death, not knowing their new home is a bigger threat to their lives.”

So what’s the bigger peril — mom returning from the grave or a backed up septic tank? Kind of a toss-up.

Cash For Monsters, Paranormal TV, Legal Killers

Here’s a slick piece of marketing — Capcom™, maker of video games — has created a promotion around Monster Hunter: World, which has already sold over 5 million copies. Teaming with The Centre of Fortean Zoology founder Jonathan Downes, Capcom™ is offering £50,000 ($70,000 USD) “to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of one of 10 real-life monsters”.

Fellas, get out your checkbook — of the 10 monsters, I have proof of 11. (I put Bigfoot on there twice, because he’s twice as cool as any other cryptid.) If you wanna get in on this paranormal payday action, here’s the list of Capcom’s™ Most Wanted…

• Bigfoot

• The Loch Ness Monster

• Mongolian Death Worm

• Mermaid

• Earth Hound

• The Yeti/Almasty

• Chupacabra

• The Flying Snake of Namibia

• Yowie

• Cornish Owlman

In their press release, Capcom™ says before they cough up the coin, you must provide proof of one of these monsters by June 20, 2018 in order to clock some dollaz. (After receiving the evidence, Downes and his team will analyze it, and any hunter who provides definite proof will be awarded the prize, with multiple winners splitting the pot.)

Just so you know, I’m not splitting my winnings with anyone. My bar tab ain’t gonna pay for itself. (Hint: In bars is where I found most of the monsters. But look in Taco Bell™ restroom toilets for Mongolian Death Worms.)

While you get an expedition together, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth hunting down…

RED EYE (February 9, 2018)
“Gage Barker, a young man who grew up on the tales of Red Eye as a kid, learns that there could be some truth behind these folk tales. This myth covers a violent, deranged masked murderer, who dwells in the backwoods of Black Creek, West Virginia. With a group of his friends and his camera equipment in tow, they hike into the woods to seek him out or to prove that he is nothing more than a myth.”

Violent deranged masked murderer. Four words that go together as seamlessly as “super fun happy slide.” As for the friends going into the woods to look for Red Eye (he has a conjunctivitis prone sister — Pink Eye), I call dibs on anything cool you might own.

UNSANE (March 23, 2018)
“A young woman is involuntarily committed to a mental institution. She is then confronted by her greatest fear…but is it real or is it a product of her delusion?”

Word around the produce aisle is that this movie was shot entirely on an iPhone™. Pfffft — anyone can do that because everybody in the freaking grocery store has an iPhone™. Want to really make an impression? Trying filming a horror movie using only two empty cans of Del Monte™ Creamed Corn™ tethered by a long piece of wax string. All bars in all places.

THE FIRST PURGE (July 4, 2018)
“Behind every tradition lies a revolution. Next Independence Day, witness the rise of our country’s 12 hours of annual lawlessness. Welcome to the movement that began as a simple experiment: The First Purge. To push the crime rate below one percent for the rest of the year, the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) test a sociological theory that vents aggression for one night in one isolated community. But when the violence of oppressors meets the rage of the marginalized, the contagion will explode from the trial-city borders and spread across the nation.”

Thanks to the current political climate, this prequel makes perfect sense. But they’re overlooking the irony; the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) are the ones creating the public’s aggressive behavior. Why else would the clearly Republican paperboy flip me off every day? (Okay, I may have started it. But he should be the bigger person here, the punk.)

OUR HOUSE (2018)
“A young genius accidentally invents a device that amplifies the paranormal activity within his family’s house, possibly bringing back the spirits of loved ones, and unleashing things far worse.”

Uh, no — the “young genius” didn’t invent a paranormal activating amplification device. It’s already been around for multiple decades — and it’s called a “TV”. While mine doesn’t bring back spirits of dead people, if you get the expanded programming package, you can unleash all kinds of things, far worse and beyond.

Godzilla Bombs, Demon Police, Head App

Been keeping an i-ball (heh) open for continuing information on the 2019 Godzilla movie, which is scheduled to include G-foes Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah. Recently leaked is the news that this kaiju rodeo is flashing respect to the original Godzilla movie (1954) with the inclusion of the famous Oxygen Destroyer, the science water bomb (made by the FIRST Dr. Serizawa) that melted Godzilla’s flesh off his super-sized bones. That Godzilla somehow came back to life and starred in a plethora of sequels is probably noteworthy.

Speaking of bombs, will the new Oxygen Destroyer be able to  stop the new Godzilla ’n super friends from turning the Earth’s landscape into garden mulch? While we all ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not bomb at the box office…

DEMON HUNTER (August 15, 2017/VOD)
“Captured by police for questioning in the slaying of a man she claimed was a demon, Taryn Barker must prove her innocence, and the existence of demons. But when a cult captures the daughter of one of the detectives on the case, the police must trust, and unleash, this warrior on the Satanic group who are intent on bringing an ancient evil force into the world.”

Where would we be without demon hunters? I certainly don’t want to have to clean up those evil messes. I did enough of that as a bus station bathroom attendant.

REMEMORY (August 24, 2017)
“The body and unexplained death of Gordon Dunn, a visionary scientific pioneer, is found shortly after the unveiling of his newest work: a device able to extract, record and play a person’s memories. Gordon’s wife, Carolyn, retreats into her house and cuts off contact with the outside world when a mysterious man shows up. After stealing the machine, he uses it to try and solve the mystery, beginning an investigation of memories that lead him to unexpected and dangerous places.”

A device that can record and playback memories probably isn’t science fiction (Apple™ is no doubt working on an iPhone™ app as we speak). I won’t be buying one — some memories are better left buried. Those I can remember, anyway.

HOUSE BY THE LAKE (2017/2018)
“A struggling married couple try to reconnect at an idyllic lake house, but their relationship is tested when their young daughter begins to fixate on an imaginary friend that may or may not be real.”

Couldn’t be Bigfoot as he’s not imaginary. Her “friend” is likely one of those lake monsters. I hear they live in lakes. Wonder if Bigfoot has ever seen a lake monster during one of his frequent nature walks?

BOOTS ON THE GROUND (2018)
“Five British soldiers try to stay alive on the last night of the Afghan War, facing not just the Taliban, but also supernatural forces more terrifying than anything they’ve encountered before.”

If anyone can take down a supernatural force, it’s the British. Just look at what Harry Potter was able to accomplish with a stick and a broom.

Teen Exorcisms, Tall Phantoms, Big Pigs

Finished binge watching the third season of From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series (2014 – 2017) and the Gecko Brothers locked horns with the Queen of Hell. Gotta say, in human form, she’s quite the looker. But in demon shape she has black/blue lava textured skin, well-flossed snake fangs, Predator hair and a dress Morticia Addams would kill for. Not seeing how she differs from all the other gals at the bowling alley, though.

Speaking of things not that different, here’s a pile of upcoming horror that you’ve seen before, whether you bowl or not…

AMERICAN EXORCIST (May 2, 2017 / VOD — August 1, 2017/DVD)
“Damon Richter thought he left the world of possessions, exorcisms and evil behind until an old friend arrives with frightening information about his estranged daughter knowing that only his otherworldly skills can save her.”

The possessed teen is probably just going through puberty, in which case, we’re ALL doomed. Dude, just sprinkle anything labeled Clinique around the house, buy her an iPhone™ and NEVER come into her room without knocking, lest ye be damned.

EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH (May 2, 2017)
“Dreaming of a trip to NYC, the beautiful Sloane and Katie leave for the countryside to earn money working on an organic farm. But on the way they are kidnapped and abused by a sinister family of small-town psychopaths. When the girls finally escape, they decide to return to the scene of the crime and settle the score. It’s not pretty.”

So organic farm hippie chicks have a streak for revenge. How do they think they’re gonna do that — make their torturers eat canned vegetables loaded with GMOs? As for small town psychopaths, aren’t they pretty much in every small town? This is what happens to society when you have no 7-Eleven™ or Starbucks™ within impulsive spitting distance.

TALL MEN (May 9, 2017)
“Terrence Mackleby claims bankruptcy after being over $80,000 in debt. His private world is turned upside down when Terrence is visited by strange demons and tall phantoms in business suits after he applies for a mysterious black credit card, in this nightmarish Holbrookian vision.”

This one used to be called Customer 152. I like Tall Men slightly better, though said height gifted men look like Slenderman’s neighbors. So demons and phantoms wear business suits to work. I guess casual Fridays don’t apply in other dimensions.

BOAR (2017)
Boar showcases the harsh and beautiful Australian landscape. Lurking within this picturesque setting is a dark and terrifying threat — a beast of staggering size with an uncontrollable desire for blood and destruction. Driven by its insatiable appetite for carnage, it defends its territory with brutal force and savagely takes on any who get in its way.”

With a press release this generic, all you have to do is swap out the title to Razorback (1984), Pighunt (2008), Chaw (aka, Chawz, 2009), Hogzilla (2014). But you’d already know that if you read my preview of this one back in November 4, 2015 (And it still doesn’t have a specific release date, but sometime in 2017.) I’ll re-state it: they should change the movie’s name to Bore.

REARVIEW (2017/2018)
“Nicky is a young woman traveling alone to meet her band mates — through the back roads of the British countryside — who escapes the clutches of a dangerous stranger. Her road trip soon turns from bad to worse as she finds herself running for her life as she attempts to escape a serial killer and the hordes of predatory locals in the area known as ‘The Highway of Tears’.”

This one smells like 1986’s The Hitcher. Hope she’s the singer of the band. Can you imagine if she was the drummer? Hauling a drumset around the British countryside, let alone from the band van to the backstage door, is a royal pain in the tom tom.

New York Zombies, Pretentious Sci-Fi, Fun Aliens

Watched a sneaky guy using his iPhone™ to record Kong: Skull Island at the movies the other day. Then he had the gall to offer to sell me the bootlegged flick for $10. I had just spent $12 to see it. I made him wait so I could hit up an ATM machine. Hey, I blew all my spare pocket coupons on red vines and hot dogs.

Speaking of blowing, here’s a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t…

ASYLUM OF DARKNESS (April 11, 2017)
“After awakening in a mental asylum, a patient plans his escape to freedom while fighting off supernatural forces in both the real world, and some that may only live inside his head. But once on the outside, he learns that the life awaiting him is more twisted and dangerous than anything he could conjure in his head, one that is luring him back to the asylum forever.”

Substitute “dive bar” for “asylum” and this will make more sense. Generic title, generic plot, generic waste of time. So yeah, I’m in.

EMPIRE STATE OF THE DEAD (April 11, 2017)
“The recently deceased rise, feasting upon the living as a zombie outbreak spreads across the globe. In Central New York, a small Marine patrol, led by Sergent Ritter, tries to keep order. But while battling the living dead they are also faced with roving gangs going unchecked and entire military units defecting. Amid the chaos, a drug lord named Ray sees an opportunity to rule the new world rising, and he is sabotaging rescue centers and military bases to help further break down the Government’s attempts to restore order. Who will survive when Ritter and Ray finally face off?”

“Empire State of the Dead consists of seven short stories produced and set in New York State, all directed by New York State filmmakers. It includes a series of wraparound segments (and one big finale) tying them all together into one epic feature motion picture detailing the early stages of a zombie outbreak.”

Should be interesting to see how they all meat. Heh. Good thing the zombie outbreak is in New York; I have a hard enough time battling the brain dead in my own neighborhood of Seattle, home of skyrocketing rents and rubbery movie theater hot dogs. Those things are so chewy you could blow a bubble with one.

THE OSIRIS CHILD: SCIENCE FICTION VOLUME ONE (April 2017)
“Set in a time of interplanetary colonization, Sy Lombrok, a former nurse who is now a drifter with a haunted past, forms an unlikely alliance with Kane Sommerville, a lieutenant who works for off-world military contractor Exor. In a race against time they set out to rescue Kane’s young daughter Indi amid an impending global crisis precipitated by Exor.”

This one was made in Australia and premiered last year in a theater that’s about 8,113 miles from my freshly swept bachelor pad. Never was a big fan of sci-fi where they give everything super dumb future names, though. Exor? Sounds like prescription butt medicine.

ALIEN: COVENANT (May 12, 2017)
Just because I already previewed this previously doesn’t mean I can’t do it again. I make the rules so I can break the rules. This time it’s with another drool-worthy ad poster. Trying to stay away from the trailers so I can be shocked out of my hot dog bun when I see it at the Imax™, which will no doubt cost $150 to get in. Time to start selling my blood. Again.

Alien Ghost Zombie

Three more upcoming horror/sci-fi treats for your viewing device. Warning: the makers of these films fully intend to charge you to watch ’em. You’d think they had rent to pay or something.

Arriving July 2016, the horror indie Consumption – already critically lauded on the film festival circuit – has been described as having a “gruesome goulash of ghosts, cults, and good ’ol demons.”

I haven’t had goulash in a long time.

Anyway, Consumption goes like this: “A group of friends travel to the snowy Utah mountains for a weekend retreat. One brings with him a dark secret that could destroy their lives forever. As they prepare to face an ancient secret buried in the woods outside their winter resort, an unstoppable evil begins to grow, consuming them one by one.”

Man, that sounds a lot like The Evil Dead (1981).

Next up is Zombinatrix (release pending 2016), starring Patty Mullen of Frankenhooker (1990) fame. It’s about a dominatrix who comes back from the dead to take revenge – as if you need a plot. Not much else in known about this one, other than it’s YET ANOTHER flippin’ zombie movie. Sigh.

If found footage – the karaoke of film making – is your preferred point of view, then you’ll want to check out The Gracefield Incident (release pending 2016). I watched the trailer and it looks to have some sort extraterrestrial causing usual heck for Earthers. Here’s how…

“Matt, a video game developer, embeds an iPhone™ camera into his prosthetic eye to secretly record and document a weekend with friends in a luxurious mountaintop cabin. Things take a terrifying turn when a meteorite crashes the party, forcing everyone to face the darkest, screaming nightmare while somehow connecting life, love, and loss in a twist of fear.”

Life, love, loss. Sounds like a recipe for a chick flick.

A Real Party Killer

Been hearing about this nifty indie horror move, The Eve (2015), for some time now. In dog years probably three. But since I can’t remember what I had for breakfast three years ago, The Eve fell off my radar.

But like a cold sore, it popped back up and is ready for a movie/TV/iPad™/iPhone 6 Plus™ with 5.5-inch display (from $299) screen near your general direction.

Why you might care: “A group of friends heads off to the remote island of Martha’s Vineyard to celebrate New Year’s Eve and reconnect. As tensions rise, an unforeseen presence halts celebrations and instead turns their holiday into a fight to live through to the new year.”

At first glance it looks like a slasher dude has further isolated the group of four and has disabled their amenities. (I absolutely FREAK if I don’t have amenities.) Then they are systematically attacked by…

Not sure. Could be a garden variety slasher. Might be a ghost of one of their friends whom they “accidentally” killed while at another weekend getaway. Or, if my theory holds, a satanic evil demon spirit. Then again, probably not. Satanic evil demon spirits usually charge a lot of money for these types of gigs.

Oh, I know – it’s their suppressed guilt manifesting itself into people slaughtering fun times. Swish – nothin’ but net!