Head Shrinkage, Mom & Pop Werewolf, Grinning Gore

Were you blissfully unaware that a shrunken head is a severed and specially-prepared human head — often decreased to many times smaller than typical size — that’s used for trophy, ritual, trade, or other purposes? I can only imagine what the “other purposes” are. But the Tug Tavern will accept shrunken heads as trade-for-value 32 oz. cans of delicately chilled King Cobra Malt Liquor™. If the Tug’s special offer doesn’t shrink (or expand) your head, you can always order a custom version at Stark Raving Mad Studio™. Now you don’t have to go all the way to Ecuador, Peru or a psychiatrist to get one.

From Stark Raving Mad’s™ Etsy™ store: “Custom Realistic Shrunken Head Replica! Have your own head shrunk or your ex-wife, neighbor, favorite politician to a Jivaro Tsantsa. Feathers, ropes, spikes? It’s up to you. Complete with eyelashes, eyebrows, and nose hairs (for the extra gruesome) you can also add facial hair (beard, mustache, goatee). Every head is unique and shockingly realistic.” The cost? A wallet-shrinking $475.00. Click this if having a small head somehow appeals to you.

So while a few of us might fancy having an ex-wife shrunken head on the nightstand — or on a stick in the front yard — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get inside your small/large head…

THE BEAST WITHIN July 26, 2024 (Limited Theaters)

“After a series of strange events leads her to question her family’s isolated life on a fortified compound deep in the English wilds, 10-year-old Willow follows her parents on one of their secret late-night treks to the heart of the ancient forest. But upon witnessing her father undergo a terrible transformation, she too becomes ensnared by the dark ancestral secret they’ve tried so desperately to conceal.”

So mom and dad are werewolves. So now their daughter is becoming a werewolf. So what? Where’s the plot, the gut-ripping, and more importantly, the latest hair grooming techniques? Some people just don’t know how to make werewolf movies. 

THE FRONT ROOM / September 6, 2024 (Theaters)

“A young, newly pregnant couple are forced to take in an ailing stepmother who has long been estranged from the family.”

So what if the stepmom is sick, evil and/or a psycho? Uou now have a built-in babysitter in case of a heavy metal vomit party, a Destruction Derby and/or WWE™ comes to town.

SMILE 2 / October 2, 2024 (Theaters)

“About to embark on a new world tour, global pop sensation Skye Riley begins experiencing increasingly terrifying and inexplicable events. Overwhelmed by the escalating horrors and the pressures of fame, Skye is forced to face her dark past to regain control of her life before it spirals out of control.”

This frames the first movie’s (2022) brilliant premise with the above female pop star plagued by an eerie entity that causes its victims to start their grinnin’ and drop their linen before some glorious die/kill/bleed. That said, putting an end to vapid pop music would put a smile on anyone’s possessed pucker.

DELICATE ARCH / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Grant, Wilda, Cody, and Ferg are all college students in Salt Lake City. Fleeing an atmospheric disaster known as ‘The Inversion’, the group goes camping in Southern Utah’s Arches National Park. As Grant’s obsessive voyeurism escalates on-site, he begins to sense a malevolent, imperceptible force encroaching on them. What is it? An ancient Lovecraftian evil? An extraterrestrial manipulation? A nuclear experiment gone wrong? Zombies? Or perhaps…something even weirder?

I’m hoping it’s all of the above, like a fully loaded waffle buffet with napkin privileges…in case things get crazy.

Space Money, Face Eater, Infinite Hippies

You know aliens exist when they’re featured on actual legally-minted silver and gold coins. These come in handy if you’re walking down the street and there’s a planet-less alien begging for change. And where can you get such interplanetary funds? Click on over to the Scottsdale Mint™ who designs, manufactures, and distributes exceptional precious metals products to investors, collectors, private banks, and foreign governments around the world. Yeah, this world and all the others, apparently.

From the Scottsdale Mint™ website: “Embark on an otherworldly journey with our 1 troy ounce silver proof Alien coin, capturing the intrigue of an imminent invasion and battle ready aliens.” If that wasn’t enough to make your inner investor reach for the wallet, the 25,000 mintage coins (there are four versions, though two are sold out), have a purity of .999 silver, which means vampires and werewolves should seek investment opportunities elsewhere. Also, these coins are legal tender in Ghana, which, if Siri™ is correct, is in West Africa. That country has a rich history of reported and documented UFO sightings. Just ask any believers in Ghana, Nigeria, and Senegal. Which also means click this to invest wisely.

So while we all load up on alien coins and head to Venus Vegas (space shuttles leave on the hour), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth investing your time into…

SCARRED TO DEATH / July 30, 2024 (VOD)

“Marina and her crew of college friends are ready to make a quick buck. After answering an ad placed by a grieving father looking for ‘proof’ that his son was murdered by ghosts in an allegedly haunted village, Marina plans to stage a spectral scene and collect the loot. When real, angry spirits emerge, Marina and friends may be the ones paying the price.”

Murdered by a ghost. Maybe it just wanted someone to hang out with and go to cocktail lounges in haunted villages for some…spirits. Heh. P.S. Worst movie poster ever.

BOOKWORM / August 29, 2024 (Theaters)

“11-year-old Mildred’s world is turned upside down when her estranged father, the washed-up magician Strawn Wise, comes to look after her and agrees to take her camping to find a mythological beast known as the Canterbury Panther.”

Normally, I wouldn’t post a “family friendly” film like this, but it does have the Canterbury Panther, which is a cryptid that’s been spotted for decades on the South Island of New Zealand. And it eats people’s faces right off. Don’t believe me? Ask any faceless New Zealander.

INFINITE SUMMER / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“On a summer break, Mia and her friends try a meditation app that’s somehow related to the operating system of the Tallinn Zoo, changing the body chemistry of its users into something between pollen and cosmic dust. Mia will need to choose between saving her friends or joining them.”

A meditation app that turns you into cosmic dust? Back in the hippie infestation of the Sixties, the unwashed/unemployable experimented with LSD and “magic mushrooms” to turn to cosmic dust. How times have changed.

STAY SAFE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“The virus has mutated. The world is evolving. The last line of defense is the first response on the front lines. Eva, a military surgeon who receives a subliminal message from an illegal immigrant. Unbeknown to Eva, all is being carefully orchestrated by Isabel, a female demon with only one purpose — to cause infidelity and misfortune. Eva must gather the clues in her nightmares if she has any chance to exorcise Isabel from her home for good.”

You don’t need a demon to cause misfortune. Just order a Smoker’s Cough — Jagermeister™ mixed with mayonnaise. Not only is that a real drink, this will cause you a LOT of misfortune…all over the sidewalk. Come to think of it, a demon invented this drink. Well played.

Ghost Mirrors, Bear Eggs, Paranormal Charity

There are three types of ghost mirrors: haunted, cursed and spirit, each carrying a different portent not related to drinking. In Chinese culture, it’s believed if you carry a corpse past a mirror, you’ll become a ghost. Not sure why Chinese people would be carrying around a corpse in the first place, but hey, when in Rome. And in German and Dutch cultures, they think if you see your reflection after a loved one has passed away, it’s an omen that you’ll be the next to kick some buckets. Note to travelers — stay out of Germany and whatever country the Dutch come from. As for the rest of us, mirrors are used to fix stupid hair.

Then there’s the Victorian ghost antique mirror designed by Michael Locascio, a New Jersey-based artist and the owner of Dellamorte & Co. online store. The sculpture depicts a ghost coming out of the mirror, thereby breaking on through to the other side. (He also designs mythical creatures, catacombs, and mysticism, which comes in handy more than you’d think.) And here’s the cool part — the 3D ghosts in his mirrors ($60) glow in the dark…just like real ghosts! That’s supernaturally badass. Check out his ghost mirrors and other awesome wares by turning off the lights and clicking this.

So while we all replace all the mirrors in our house (I have 43) with these Victorian ghost antique mirrors, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi documentaries that may or may not help you with your stupid hair…

PANDASAURUS / Out now (VOD)

“An egg discovered on an unchartered island hatches and becomes a new breed of cuddly…and deadly! The now fully grown Pandasaurus is the star attraction of a failing zoo until it escapes and goes on a rampage of destruction in an attempt to return home. Now it’s up to two zoo keepers to track down and capture the beast in hopes of stopping the most bizarre creature the earth has even known.”

Bears come from eggs? Why am I just now finding out about this?

POPULATION PURGE / July 9, 2024 (VOD)

In a dystopian world where a radical government has unleashed a deadly poison to control population, only those with blood type AB positive remain unscathed. But instead of outright death, the rest of the population is left to suffer in a state of chronic illness, causing widespread chaos and panic. As the majority slowly succumbs to the effects of the poison, their only hope lies in receiving transfusions of AB positive blood from the few immune survivors, like Charlie and his granddaughter Maya. Living in the decrepit remains of an abandoned amusement park, Charlie is a renegade supplier of blood to the underground market. But their sanctuary is threatened by the iron-fisted rule of District 22’s ruthless warden, Onslow, who will stop at nothing to save his own dying son. As Charlie and Maya fight to defend their haven and their own sanity, the eccentric duo must navigate through a world of danger and betrayal.”

If someone used me as a human keg, I’m afraid the rest of the population is doomed. Still, I demand my juices go for market value.

THE BIGFOOT EXPERIENCE / July 30, 2024 (VOD)

“The discovery of Bigfoot would be a momentous event with far-reaching implications for science, conservation, and society. It would challenge our understanding of the natural world and force us to confront the mysteries that still exist within it. For those who have encountered these legendary creatures, the emotional scars run deep, and their testimonials make one thing clear: that they truly exist. Whether Bigfoot is ever discovered remains to be seen, but the quest to unravel its secrets continues.”

Why are we still having this discussion on whether or not Bigfoot is real? That fact has been established in a plethora of YouTube™ videos. I say we turn our sights to other forest-dwelling cryptids like raccoons or penguins. Those things freak me out and… Okay, no more three Bloody Mary breakfasts for me. And speaking of Bloody Mary…

POPPY LOFTUS / July 30, 2024 (VOD)

“Failing at another job, Fiadh must return home to take care of her mother, ‘Mental’ Maggie. When the strange goings on appear to be more than her mother’s eccentricity, she decides to dabble in the field of paranormal investigation.”

Dabbling in paranormal investigation is like doing charity work — in the end you end up with a whole lotta nothing for your efforts.

Metal Deadpool, Christian UFOS, Loving The Alien

A few more character posters for the rabidly-anticipated Deadpool & Wolverine movie coming to theaters and Imax™ on July 26, 2024 which, if my refrigerator magnate calendar isn’t lying to me, is a Friday. Expect long movie lines, overpriced concessions and people yapping through the previews. This is the new reality of going to the movies these days. And you actually pay to experience/endure all of this.

Here’s the movie’s official plot: “Wade Wilson lives a quiet life, having left his time as the mercenary Deadpool behind him, until the Time Variance Authority (TVA) — a bureaucratic organization that exists outside of time and space and monitors the timeline — pulls him into a new mission. With his home universe facing an existential threat, Wilson reluctantly joins with an even more reluctant Wolverine on a mission which will change the history of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.”

If you’re a fan of Deadpool and have a spare $10,145.03 laying around, Etsy™ seller MetalArtProductions™ has created a life-size metal sculpture of DP, perfect to accentuate whatever you call furniture in your living room. A review of the sculpture says that “MetalArtProductions™ artists hand craft each unique piece they create, as is the case with this Deadpool sculpture. Only parts that are recycled are used. Each piece undergoes hours of designing and meticulous planning. Once a design is ready, the welding process starts. This can take up to months, all depending on the size, scale and detail of a particular piece.” Yep, totally worth every penny. Spend it here.

So while we all “pool” our money together and buy the Deadpool sculpture (I get to have it first), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not have long lines waiting to see ’em…

ABDUCTION: THE HARVESTING / Out now (VOD)

“A mother confronts occult phenomena and a conspiracy when her teenage son appears possessed by demonic forces. Despite tests and Church intervention, his condition deteriorates, hinting at an extraterrestrial influence.”

Like the Church has ever been effective against demonic forces OR aliens. God only knows what the Church even does in the first place. 

GOD VS. UFOS / June 25, 2024 (VOD)

“This film looks into whether UFOs are not just physical crafts but could actually some form of paranormal phenomena. Are they inter-dimensional beings, time travelers, or are they actually something more scary like demons? Does the US government know this dark truth and is keeping it hidden from the people?”

Another wacko offering from the tin hat crowd. The presented theories don’t hold holy water because extraterrestrials are atheists. Want proof? Ever see an alien in church?

ALIEN LOVE / June 25, 2024 (VOD)

“A NASA astronaut returns from space a hero and reports the mission a success, but fails to reveal an alien encounter to the public let alone to his beautiful wife.”

The movie title tells us the astronaut hooked up with an alien, so of course the mission was a success. On Uranus, there was some serious probin’ going on. Heh.

THINE EARS SHALL BLEED / July 9, 2024 (US digital), July 15 (UK digital)

“In the 1860s American West, a minister and his family are traveling in a covered wagon when they hear a mysterious sound from the woods. Believing the sound to be God, they worship it, until they realize the sound is something much darker.”

And thus, heavy metal was born.

Super Day, Devil Keys, Demonic Girlfriend

And a Happy National Superman Day to you, too. As designated, June 12 is the day to annually honor one of the greatest superheroes to ever exist in comics, movies and/or real life. And this is a blue suitable ramp-up the upcoming Superman movie, scheduled for release July 11, 2025. I’m too impatient to wait that long, so I’m gonna call Warner Bros.™ to see if they can bump that up to next week. Wednesday preferred as I’m starting a new binge drinking cycle that following Friday.

So for the top graphic, I replaced Superman’s traditional “S” emblem with the 2025 shield. I did it using Photoshop™ and not my AI-powered Harry Potter commemorative wand. As staunch old school I am and one who fears change, I rather like the upgrade. But they’ve kicked us in the “S” many times over the decades. They’ve done to Batman as well, so I’m not taking it personally. This time.

As for the new Superman movie, titled Superman or Superman: Legacy (I’m cool with either), there is not only a new Son of Krypton, the plot is stacking the deck with a wild cast of appearances. Not a spoiler as this is what I copied online, but if you don’t wanna know, avert your eyes… 

David Corenswet stars as Clark Kent/Superman, a 25-year-old Kryptonian survivor and a young journalist for the Daily Planet in Metropolis. Joining him is Lois Lane (of course), Jimmy Olsen (why?) and that perennial pain in the cape, Lex Luthor. Also making the scenes are…

• HAWKGIRL

Shiera Sanders Hall. Hawkgirl owes her powers to a belt of Nth metal, a substance native to the planet Thanagar. The metal is psycho-reactive, responding to its bearer’s thoughts and in its base form has a number of electromagnetic/gravitational properties. It grants the power of flight, superhuman strength, super-acute vision, and an enhanced healing/regeneration ability.

• MISTER TERRIFIC

Michael Holt is the third smartest man in the world, a brilliant inventor and the second superhero to call himself Mister Terrific. Despite having no powers, his T-Spheres make him invisible to technology and he is a member of the Justice Society.

• GUY GARDNER

Top member of the Green Lantern Corps, and the second one to be chosen from Earth. He has also been a member of Justice League International.

• METAMORPHO

A founding member of the Outsiders, who has also joined multiple incarnations of the Justice League. Originally adventurer Rex Mason, he is converted into a man made of a shifting mass of chemical after being cursed by a retrieved ancient artifact.

• THE ENGINEER

Angela Spica, the second Engineer, has the ability to shape-shift and weaponize herself due to nanotechnology. Her body is made up of liquid metal, allowing her to operate on The Carrier without needing special equipment. She is a founding member of the Authority, a superhero team known for their morally gray characters and willingness to push boundaries.

So while we all have red sun-less nights for another year in anticipation of Superman/Superman:Legacy (2025), here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be super…

ACMA:GAME / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“It is said that if you collect 99 Devil’s keys, you can have ‍everything in the world. Driven by desire, players risk their lives in the deadly Acma:Game. Desperate to trace down who killed his father, Teruasa must put his brains to the ultimate test as the psychological warfare begins.”

This is a TV based on a manga and not real life. Too bad — I finally collected all 99 of the Devil’s keys (had to buy a LOT of Cracker Jacks™), and am ready to have everything in the world. Just not sure where I’m gonna put it all.

MY UNDEAD YOKAI GIRLFRIEND / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“College student Tadashi ‘Hachi’ Inukai is tired of feeling like a loser. But that all changes one day when he accidentally conducts a mysterious ritual he finds online, summoning a demonic Yokai to the mortal plane, nicknamed Izzy. Bonded by magic, Hachi and Izzy must figure out how to navigate life, love and murder.”

This is a TV mini-series. Yokai means “strange apparition” and are a class of supernatural entities and spirits in Japanese folklore. If were able to summon a demonic Yokai (working on it), I certainly wouldn’t name it Izzy. Probably something more along the lines of Chris P. Bacon or Jack D’aniels. Then again, Hell Master D has a nice ring to it.

THE ELITE OF DEVILS / Out now (Thailand), Release pending (US)

“Five senior university students are invited to an old elite mansion by a professor, where she terrifies them and reveals her demonic power before making a decision.”

And what decision would that be — flunking them, thereby forcing ’em to get service industry jobs? That’ll teach ’em to pursue a higher education.

DEAD WHISPER July 5, 2024 (Limited), July 9, 2024 (VOD)

“A Cape Cod lawyer and grieving father. When Elliot boards a ferry on business, he is redirected to a nightmarish island off the coast. There, a demonic entity offers him a reunion with his dead daughter, but at the peril of his soul.”

Sounds like a spin on Baghead (2024). In that one, a shape-shifting creature allows you to talk to lost loved ones and achieves this by swallowing a personal item of said deceased person. Wonder who I could summon with a Taco Bell™ Beefy 5-Layer Burrito? I already know what I can summon with a Taco Bell™ Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. We all do.

Horror x 3000, Space Guitars, Ghoul Roommate

Today, June 10, 2024, marks the 14th anniversary of this here blog-o-rama, which I started on June 10, 2010. The math checks out. And as of this posting, I’ve done exactly 3,000 blah-blah-blogs. That seems rather excessive…and more ambitious than I thought I had in me. Regardless, it’s been a brakeless ride filled with wincing grammar, unavoidable typos and the best non-paid waste of time this side of nightly sitting on my roof, waiting for our space brothers to get me off this toilet we call Earth. Onward.

I’m a hardcore fan of horror/sci-fi movies and guitars and the joyous chaos both invoke. If you’re like-minded, you might wanna check out Devil & Sons™ Customized Guitars. Their humble description: “At the Devil & Sons™ workshop artist, luthier, and maker Daniel Devilson modifies and pimps guitars and basses to create works of art you can play. Daniel’s love of sci-fi and steampunk show through in the one-off creations you can find at Devil & Sons™. From the Fury Road inspired Mad Axe, to the Terminator B.C. Rich Mockingbird hybrid, via the Alien-themed guitars, these are artwork instruments that you won’t find anywhere else.”

Thus behold, the D&S Genesis™ — Craftcaster™ ($3,240.18 US). “The spacecraft body is hand-constructed using the kit bashing method, and the hand-painted finished is based on the designs of classic sci-fi illustrator Chris Foss.” And there’s the Solar: Craftcaster™ (same price as above). “The Solar is a guitar from another world and another time. It’s the second in Devil & Sons™ new Craftcaster™ series of guitars inspired by classic sci-fi spacecraft design.”

I myself own several guitars, including a sweet customized Epiphone™ “Skulltar” (my name for it, pictured above), which is my go-to in case Metallica needs me to help them sell concert tickets. Besides looking like it came straight out of a non-sucky horror movie, this “Instrument of Doom” has essential features: it’s super loud and it DOESN’T PLAY BALLADS. Just ask my neighbors.

So while we all visit Devils & Sons™ Customized Guitars and buy (click this) one of their sweet axes and start a band (metal), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better than seeing me on stage with Metallica…

GIGANTIC: REAL GIANT HUMANOIDS THROUGHOUT HISTORY / Out now (VOD)

“The early 1900s were filled with hundreds of reports from reputable sources of giant skeletons unearthed from ancient burial mounds, but where is this evidence now? Explore the legends of giants with six fingers and toes, a trait attributed to ancient supernatural androgynous deities and their offspring, a trait that was eventually abandoned for the five-fingered homo sapiens of today. Explore the lore, the myth and the evidence with this explosive research.”

As a youngster, the first giant humanoid I ever saw was the Jolly Green Giant™, the brand mascot on canned vegetables. He scared the string beans right outta me. The next giant humanoid I saw was Ultraman. His uncommonly tight uniform scared the men’s locker room right outta me.

DEATH WHISPERER 2 / October 10, 2024 (Theaters/VOD)

“In a world shrouded by darkness, a relentless force seeks retribution, undeterred by boundaries or morality.”

Who wouldn’t? I currently have no boundaries/morality, so when do I start?

I’LL PLAY MOTHER / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“After the death of their birth mother, two young children are placed in the care of prospective adopter parents, however, it’s not long before the new family begin to question if something more sinister is at play.”

So who’s the problem here — the adopter parents or the kids? I’m guessing it’s the motherless brats, who likely did away with their womb mommy for not letting them watch Baby Sharknado.

GHOUL / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Karla, a freelance photographer moves into a new house in Las Vegas and thinks it’s haunted. A few people — a low-life thief, a creepy handy-man, an angry nosy neighbor, and a few more — get brutally murdered by something horrible that is living in the attic.”

Given the annoying nature of my neighbors, I would like to offer the “something horrible” free attic rent and full bathroom privileges. But not to murder anyone — just think having an eccentric roomie might be fun.

Cretaceous Carnage, Extraterrestrial Tech, Krampus Cookies

The last time I blogged about Carnosaur was nine years on June 24, 2015. The seas were rough that day. And I had opened the first of 12 chilled cans of Smart Water™. Ahem. The first Carnosaur movie, inspired by the 1984 Harry Adam Knight novel, was released in 1993 as a mockbuster alternative to Jurassic Park (1993), and was followed by Carnosaur 2 in 1995 and Carnosaur 3: Primal Species in 1996. Watching people being torn apart and subsequently taste-tested by marauding modern day dinosaurs was, no pun intended, deliciously satisfying. And now you can read all about those toothy rascals with the new soft-cover compendium (book), History of Carnosaur, by hardcore fan/author Joseph Palinkas. (FYI — Books are for people who don’t have TVs.)

The book’s description (as if you need it): “30 years ago, Carnosaur was dropped into theaters, making a solid box office and starting a pulpy fun run of 1990’s creature feature dinosaur carnage. 30 years later, for the first time, History of Carnosaur, a varied, brisk dive into the beginnings and lifetime of this beloved series. Featuring exclusive interviews and photos.” They had me a brisk dive. So I clicked this to buy it for $14.99. You might wanna do that, too.

So while we all bone up on Carnosaur in case the topic comes up at parties/Town Hall debates/church, here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not need drinking chilled cans of Smart Water™ to enjoy…

ALIEN ELITE: UFO DEFENDERS OF NATIONAL SECURITY / Out now (VOD)

“The UFO enigma has entered a new era with recent government and military disclosures but their interest in UFOs isn’t new, for decades special projects within the defense industry have been pursuing hidden agendas relating to advanced alien technology that are still unknown to the public. Explore these classified programs and the mysterious people involved in the UFO enigma.”

If not for leaked alien tech, we wouldn’t have such things as Pizza Scissors, the Charmin™ Rollbot, and the must-have “As-Seen-On-TV Hat.”

SHADOWS / Out now (VOD)

“Six former gangsters face retribution from the demonic spirit of a man they once murdered.”

Always wondered why you turn demonic after you’re murdered to death. Is acquiring that trait a bonus of being dead? Counting on it. 

SHADOW SIDE / Out now (VOD)

“The harrowing journey of Sophie, a young woman who, while seeking a romantic retreat in an isolated chalet, finds herself trapped in a supernatural nightmare. The discovery of an ancestral pact, involving her fiance Cal, triggers a series of inexplicable events, leaving her at the mercy of dark forces. Confined to the chalet, Sophie faces horrifying apparitions, macabre riddles and a terrifying creature, forcing her to uncover the hidden secrets that haunt the place. As Sophie fights for her sanity, she discovers that an ancient mandala is her only hope for survival.”

And that ancient mandala is a poster of a kitten dangling from a stick with the caption, “Hang In There!”

GRANNY KRAMPUS / Out now (VOD)

“An estranged family is brought together for a final reunion at the old family home for Christmas. Returning to the home of the old matriarch of the family and her bed-bound brother, they quickly find themselves at the mercy of a nightmarish entity from the past.”

Still, I bet Granny Krampus makes really good cookies.

Vampire Deterrent, Wall People, UFO Agents

In Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992), a Valley Girl cheerleader-turned-vampire hunter used a wooden stake to take out California vampires. (Not sure why vampires would want to live in a state that has an annual average of 186 days of sunshine). She also vanquished them with heightened agility, senses, endurance and a snarky tongue. But mostly a wooden stake. But thanks to Rag N Bone Emporium™, you can upgrade your chest chisel with an actual Vampire Killing Kit, complete with all things necessary to put down those pesky life-suckers, whether you live in California or not.

From Rag N Bone Emporium’s™ website: “We have you covered with our 19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit, which comes with everything you could possibly need to repel creatures that go bump in the night. The kit contains a full-sized replica of a candle, a crucifix, a stake, a dagger, a prayer book, and small vials of various herbal and chemical concoctions. With this in your possession, you don’t have to wait until sunlight to kill those fanged fiends.” Given the exponential rate vampires are proliferating these days, you need this kit, which sells between $151 – $300. Skip the cheaper version — buy it nice, or buy it twice. Do that here.

So while we all throw out our usual tools for killing vampires — McCormick™ Garlic Powder, a crucifix made of mom’s silverware taped together and a squirt gun full of blessed asparagus pee (that’ll take down anyone, vampire or not), here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not leave you craving a stake dinner… 

THE PEOPLE IN THE WALLS / Out now (VOD)

“Rachel is introduced to a viral craze of allowing people who living the walls out into the world. This ends up badly and when her parents don’t believe her two kids from her school do as they attempt to fight back against these creatures.”

This was rumored to have come out in 202, but it’s just now available on VOD. It also follows Boy In The Walls (2023) and The Woman In the Wall TV series (2023-2024). With People Under The Stairs (1991) the place is getting a bit crowded. Best to get up early if you want get some bathroom time.

THE GIRL WHO CRIED HER EYES OUT / Out now (VOD)

“When a group of friends sneak into a state park for a night of drinking and partying, a cruel dare brings Maddie face to face with the disturbed spirit of young Caroline Woodman, the forest’s legendary ‘Girl Who Cried Her Eyes Out.’ None are safe as one by one they suffer the wrath of Caroline’s vengeance. Time is running out, and the bodies are piling up. How do they stop a 300 year old spirit that cannot be killed?”

These kinds of “horror” movies are easy to make, just like cookies. Just follow the 100 exact same recipes that came before it.

ALIEN FILES: THE MEN IN BLACK / Out now (VOD)

“The Men in Black phenomenon is just as mysterious as the UFOs themselves. Explore the enigmatic shadow world of MIBs and the darker dimensions of ufology.”

Men in Black are those government A-hole agents dressed in black suits, going around harassing UFO witnesses to keep them from blabbing about what they saw. If I saw a UFO and some Men in Black came to my house, I’d go, “Nice threads!” and then slam the door in their stooge faces. You’d probably never hear from me again after that, but man, that’d be funny.

THE CIGARETTE / out now (VOD)

“Deadly laced cigarettes cause chaos and death in New York City.”

Pffft! Cigarettes have been doing that to people since 5000 BC. (The first cigarette commercial featured a Woolly Mammoth puffin’ on an unfiltered butt while gazing at a pristine Montana-esque landscape from atop a glacier.) That said, the Tobacco Industry doesn’t have a good business model — it’s product eventually kills its most loyal customers.

Carnivalized Halloween, Evil Tree, Mommy Time Machine

For horror fans, every day is Halloween. Okay, I might have said that previously. If it ain’t broken… While we’re 147 days to Halloween from today’s date, Spirit Halloween™, the one-stop-shopping store of all things spooky ass horror, has been putting together Carnevil, this year’s Halloween extravaganza. Just writing that just gave me a pee shiver.

So for Spirit Halloween’s™ Carnevil, we’re getting Art The Clown (Terrifier), Michael Myers (Halloween), Ghostface (Scream) and Emily & Victor (The Corpse Bride) life size animatronics. Also on the delicious menu is Gravestone Ghoul, Night Terror, Wanda Webworth, Giant Death Ray, The Cremator, Mack Straw, Dark Princess, Demonic Gatekeeper and literal tons more. Click this for a preview.

So while we go back to reading the Halloween Bible (Necronomicon, 1st edition) and showing us how to live the good life, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be full of spooky ass horror…

KILL / July 4, 2024 (Theaters)

“When army commando Amrit finds out his true love Tulika is engaged against her will, he boards a New Delhi-bound train in a daring quest to derail the arranged marriage. But when a gang of knife-wielding thieves led by the ruthless Fani begin to terrorize innocent passengers on his train, Amrit takes them on himself in a death-defying kill-spree to save those around him — turning what should have been a typical commute into an adrenaline-fueled thrill ride.”

Still, taking on a gang of knife-wielding thieves beats getting married. If “pain on a train” is your bag, try Snowpiercer (2013).

STARVE ACRE / September 6, 2024 (Theaters)

“1970s, rural England. Richard and Juliette’s seemingly idyllic family life is thrown into turmoil when their son starts acting out of character. At Starve Acre, their remote family home, archaeologist Richard buries himself in exploring a folkloric myth that the ancient oak tree on their land is imbued with phenomenal powers. While Juliette turns to the local community to find some kind of peace, Richard obsessively digs deeper. An unexpected discovery soon occupies the couple’s attention and dark and sinister forces, unwittingly allowed into the home, offer a disturbing possibility of reconnection between them.”

They totally stole the ancient tree with powers from Harry Potter’s Whomping Willow. That freakin’ thing belongs in the WWE™. Still, if malevolent trees are your bag, try Devil’s Tree: Rooted Evil (2018).

WAKE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Lake Reed is an actress with a string of lackluster accomplishments under her belt. After blowing countless auditions, her agent threatens to drop her if she does not land a role. Her eyes are set on the lead role in a major classic movie remake. Lake tracks down actress Corin Abel who starred in the original film for advice. Corin is now a paraplegic recluse after a tragic accident that took her mobility half a decade ago. As Lake learns from her insightful experience, strange things happen involving macabre images and violent visions that suggest Corin’s acting methods may not be as innocent as they first seem. Lake is torn between her determination to land this role and her fear for her life.”

Macabre images and violent visions. This ain’t a movie…it’s a typical night at the Tug Tavern.

SHE LOVED BLOSSOMS MORE / Release pending 2024/2025

“Three brothers build an unusual time machine in order to bring their long-dead mother back to life. When their delusional father comes into the picture, the experiments go awry, and they descend into a psychedelic hellscape where the past and present fuse in a comedic yet disturbing exploration of grief.”

Hey guys, you might want to reconsider. If you bring your mother back to life, all she’s gonna do make you go to your room and/or take out the trash.

Embroidered Horror, Latino Zombies, Demonic Revenge

Artist George Coghill, from Kent, OH, sells himself as a Monsterologist. George makes colorful embroidered patches of every cryptid in the entire world. Okay, maybe not the entire world, but more than you count on 50 fingers. These freakin’ cool 3”x3” patches, which includes large back patches (10”x11”), depict everything from Area 51, the The Jersey Devil and Mothman to the Kraken, The Loveland Frogman and the Hopkinsville Aliens. So yeah, he more than earns the title.

From George’s Monsterologist Etsy™ storefront: “Embroidered patches, stickers, buttons, enamel pins and more. Monsters, cryptids, Halloween and other fun paranormal-themed items, including Bigfoot, Yeti, Sasquatch, aliens, UFOs, ghosts, Halloween, Krampus and more.” Prices range from $3 to $46 (the aforementioned back patches), and you get EVERY SINGLE ONE OF ’EM by clicking this.

So while we all refresh our wardrobe by adorning ’em with these beyond cool paranormal patches, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have loose threads (you got that joke, yes?)…

CHOLO ZOMBIES / Out now (YouTube™)

“A comedy horror film about zombie absurdity where only true Cholos turn and SoCal’s legal system is a little too lenient. Not to be confused with Cholo Zombies Monstro from the same team.”

I saw Cholo Zombies Monstro (2023). That one’s a zombie love story. Even with all the gore, I was tuned off by the romance, which was way more icky than the gore.

THE HOUSE OF THE SERPENT / July 30, 2024 (VOD)

“Naomi is writing a new play at a mountain villa she rented for the summer. Troubled by her thoughts, she calls her friend, actress Mizuki, telling her that there is something in the house. Naomi hears the screams of the children. When Naomi calls Mizuki, they talk about the new play. It’s based on a strange incident about a woman’s disappearance that she saw on a TV program a while ago. The daughter claims that she saw her mother running out into the garden and disappearing without a trace. Then she finds scorch marks on the ground where she vanished.”

Pffft! I leave scorch marks on the ground all the time. P.S. No, thank YOU 7-Eleven™ BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger Roller™.

CAMP TERROR / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

The quiet town of Forrest Lakes was paralyzed by devastating events that took place involving the myth of a bullied child, and his demonic revenge on the campgrounds where he had been murdered long ago. The events that transpired nearly two decades ago at the very location where this urban legend was rumored to occur, focus on the tragedy that plagued a young girl and the unexplained massacre she witnessed that to this day has still gone unsolved. Sheriff Katie Becks has sworn to serve and protect the place where she once lost everything. The infamous Jacob Phelps has yet again resurfaced and is hunting for the one survivor who escaped him. As a group of friends explore the empty campgrounds in search of ghost stories, they will soon find they have found more than they bargained for. Crippling fear and sheer terror are unleashed in what becomes the most disturbing acts this small community has ever seen.”

The most disturbing acts ever seen? Clearly, they’ve never been to the Tug Tavern on $2 Oyster ’n Hornitos Black Barrel™ Shooters Night. Call ahead to reserve a stool. And I’m not talking about a chair.

DECADE OF THE DEAD / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

Ten years after the apocalypse, a group of bounty hunters finds refuge on a tropical island only to discover it’s ruled by a deranged cult leader with plans to take over the post-apocalyptic world. Stuck between the cult and the relentless hordes of the walking dead, the survivors must fight for their lives.”

An oxymoron as all cult leaders are deranged. They have to be — it’s in their charter.